Our therapist and I suspect undiagnosed alexithymia (or difficulty in experiencing and describing emotions), while he defensively attributes it to mere “emotional reserve.” After a year of failed couples counseling, we are living in a completely platonic relationship. I feel deeply lonely, physically starved for even nonsexual touch and restricted to sharing myself only peripherally because that is all he seems to understand.... I feel trapped in resignation, wondering if I can capitulate to this strange, nonromantic relationship, protect my financial security and order my life around my faith, grown children, grandchild and community. Or, I can leave....
The answer is, basically, leave. But it's framed elegantly: The question shouldn't be “What am I giving up by staying?” and “What am I giving up by leaving?” It should be “Which losses would feel like grief, and which would feel like self-betrayal?”
What I wanted was more discussion of alexithymia. The word is so close to that word I've been saying lately — "alexia" — which means the inability to read. I had to get my head examined after confessing to an isolated transient bout of alexia.
Gottlieb has nothing to say about alexithymia, but I see the OED defines it as "The inability to recognize one's own emotions and to express them, esp. in words." Lexi comes from the Greek, and thymia comes from the Greek for soul.
The OED has a quote from a 1993 NYT article: "Film/What's the Problem? He Won't Say." Oh! This is the old problem — I remember it well from the 80s and 90s — men don't talk about their emotions. There were a lot of movies about this — the inner life of men who cannot connect.
There were Anthony Hopkins in "The Remains of the Day" and Daniel Day-Lewis in "The Age of Innocence" and Jeff Bridges in "Fearless" and Johnny Depp in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" and Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle." How deeply we cared about men like this 30 years ago!
[Harvard psychologist Ron Levant] is credited for rediscovering what has become a widely used clinical term for the phenomenon: "Alexithymia." (Translation: No words for feelings. Movie translation: It's not O.K. to be Gary Cooper anymore.)...
The new leading man is... a product of the women's movement, the men's movement and all the other movements that have trashed traditional gender roles in recent years. He shuns swaggering machismo. He is painfully self-conscious with women. Urged by his partner to share his emotions, he finds himself unable to -- and feels guilty about it. When faced with a crisis or almost any romantic situation, he is paralyzed. He freezes. He's an inaction hero. What's more, because he's playing out his conflicted inner drama on the big screen, he's a role model...
Robert Bly, the prophet of the so-called men's movement, identified this phenomenon in his book "Iron John: A Book About Men" three years ago....
"The totally P. C. male is so anxious about whether he's doing the right thing, he's afraid to do anything," [Camille] Paglia says. "They're like 'nowhere men,' blank and affectless."...
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22 comments:
"The inability to recognize one's own emotions and to express them, esp. in words" describes me. Nice to have a word for it now. Not that other stuff. I am affectionate to my wife, etc.
Alexi sounds like a Russian conspiracy. Let's ask Alexa.
It's not a bad thing to keep most of your emotions to yourself. You show what you want to show with those you love. As for the rest of the world, there's a line in the old rock and roll song "Sweet Nothings". The line goes, "secrets baby, I keep them to myself". Makes the world easier to navigate, that it does.
It’s tougher to find a new significant other the older you get. Especially for women. But usually you’re better off alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely.
She should have scouted this guy better during their courtship.
“I survived a traumatic, heartbreaking divorce that took years of difficult self-work and social fallout to overcome.”
“I am mortified and deeply angry at myself for choosing to wear blinders, ignoring clear red flags in exchange for security.”
So the “self work” didn’t work. The “red flag” wanted enough. Beware the therapy lingo. You don’t need a therapist or a term to tell you the fiancé is a problem. And the primary problem is you.
Emotions, and the ability to express them, are overrated. As is non-sexual physical contact.
IMO, YMMV.
"protect my financial security"
Ah. There's the rub.
"He shuns swaggering machismo. He is painfully self-conscious with women. Urged by his partner to share his emotions, he finds himself unable to -- and feels guilty about it. When faced with a crisis or almost any romantic situation, he is paralyzed. He freezes. He's an inaction hero."
America's feminization has been a great success. American women are now able to get with the marginally functional lesbian that looks good in a suit they've always yearned for. Emotional platitudes are still in beta, aren't necessarily included, cost extra, and your experience may vary depending on model.
--- thymia comes from the Greek for soul
Thumos, thymos, as Rubio discusses in some detail in that Athens speech in one of your prior posts today.
"Our therapist and I suspect..." Maybe she should leave him as incompatible. But what partner would a woman like this be compatible with? The porridge will forever be too hot or too cold.
Living for years with a highly emotion-driven woman has taught me that it's not only that I don't want to talk about my feelings; it's more that I just don't have that much emotional stuff happening in my head relative to most women, and talking about it would be like me expressing my ideas about art to Michelangelo. I feel like I have nothing much to add to the drama. I'm not hiding it - it's just not there, relatively speaking. I feel that the women around me thrive on it, and the associated drama and narratives that they endlessly recount and play out are intoxicating and impossible to suppress for them. Naturally, I get enough secondhand to cover any needs I may have. I'll be trapped on a boat with 7 of them all day today. I might overdose.
Over the years, I've noticed that when a relationship gets a little pissy, nothing fixes it faster than a good, firm rogering - no working up to it, no asking, just deliver the medicine. Buying an expensive gift works too, but as seen here, why spend money on something that's appreciated but seen as a cheap substitute?
65? In the words of The Ladies Man ‘yeah, well that’s disgustin…’
…really, at that age your time to hold out has expired take what you can get before you do…
…also- better than nothing is a high standard…
…also- better than nothing is a high standard…
"Fiancé"? How did the relationship even get that far then?
I get that the guy might not like to hold hands, hug, or cuddle, but when did “emotional” reserve ever prevent a guy from fucking? Is this a geriatric thing?
It sounds like Alexithymia isn't necessarily about being emotional or not. It's about not understanding the emotions that you have so you can't talk about them. I'll bet that a lot of people are overly emotional, but don't actually understand their emotions. It's a common trait among stoics (and Vulcans) not to display or discuss the emotions that they feel. But that doesn't mean that they don't understand those emotions. In fact, I think that you have to understand them to consciously control your reaction to them.
"The answer is, basically, leave."
If you don't have a sexual relationship and you don't have an emotional relationship, then what do you have? Unrequited love? "so true a fool is love..."
"Our therapist and I suspect undiagnosed alexithymia." I don't believe this. I suspect that she ran all this past Dr. Google or Dr. AI and came to that conclusion and then may have asked her therapist, "Do you think he could have this?" and the therapist probably said, "It could be." I can't believe that a therapist would diagnose someone who wasn't their patient and then share that diagnosis with someone else. Seems a bit reckless and unethical. (Unless they're doing it in the media to diagnose a political leader, of course.) I also suspect that the letter that she wrote to the NYT was "augmented" using AI. (I get that vibe a lot now when I read things. I seriously think that a lot more people are using AI than you would think.)
Alexihalitosis. Inability to express to someone how bad their breath is.
What's the goal of talking about your emotions?
Establish what you hope to accomplish before doing it.
If there's a problem and you think you can ameliorate it, fine. Otherwise, you're just blabbering with potential bad outcomes.
It's nothing that alcohol and sildenafil can't cure.
We only know she is physically and emotionally unsatisfied. We don't really know much of anything about him ... only what she says.
In what way did a year of couples counseling "fail?" What's being left out? Strange that his "emotional reserve" didn't discourage her earlier on. Or is it being pathologized to assuage her frustration at not being able to change him? Is anyone asking whether he should marry her?
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