Althouse: If your dog could talk.

March 26, 2026

If your dog could talk.

And here's Billy Collins in a similar vein:

12 comments:

Ann Althouse said...: Here's the text of the Billy Collins poem: https://www.facebook.com/BillyCollinsPoetry/posts/the-revenantby-billy-collinsi-am-the-dog-you-put-to-sleepas-you-like-to-call-the/398750203519555/

I know it well enough that I noticed he left out a word as he recited it from memory — "metal" (from "All I ever wanted from you/was food and fresh water in my metal bowls").; 3/26/26, 11:54 AM
RideSpaceMountain said...: If my dogs could talk every conversation would be about sausages. I don't speak dog and that's how they wind up anyway.; 3/26/26, 11:57 AM
rhhardin said...: Dogs can talk already. When chimps were taught ASL sign language, and the chimp people described the things chimps could now do, dog people just said "My dog can do that."; 3/26/26, 11:57 AM
Narr said...: Caniphobia, straight up.; 3/26/26, 12:15 PM
Rabel said...: "When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,
Unknown to Glory but upheld by Birth,
The sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below.
When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his Masters own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonour'd falls, unnotic'd all his worth,
Deny'd in heaven the Soul he held on earth.
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven."

They're better than us.

Except for that coprophagia thing.; 3/26/26, 12:17 PM
Justabill said...: I’m sorry, but that is what cats would say.; 3/26/26, 12:27 PM
rhhardin said...: Crockett Johnson's WWII "Barnaby" series had his dog Gorgon, who was taught to speak by Barnaby's fairy godfather Mr. O'Malley. After that the couldn't shut the dog up. "Holy cow, I can talk!" He started giving himself commands. "Sit. Lie down." Then started telling shaggy dog stories. "... ... No thanks, I'll eat it here."; 3/26/26, 12:42 PM
Joe Bar said...: Lies! I refuse to believe this!; 3/26/26, 12:48 PM
Hassayamper said...: "Pet me. No, keep petting me. Don't stop. Now my ears. Now my tummy.

Oh and when's my dinner? I think I will perish of starvation if it is delayed much past 6 pm."; 3/26/26, 1:05 PM
Hassayamper said...: I’m sorry, but that is what cats would say.

Dogs would say "You love me, feed me, water me, keep me warm and safe and dry, pet me all the time-- You must be God!"

Cats would say "You love me, feed me, water me, keep me warm and safe and dry, pet me all the time-- I must be God!"; 3/26/26, 1:10 PM
Howard said...: I find this very insulting to dogs.; 3/26/26, 1:44 PM
Wince said...: Wouldn’t a dog say, “Hump You”?; 3/27/26, 4:47 AM