From "The rise of Fafo parenting: is this the end of gentle child rearing?" (The Guardian), which links to this widely shared example of the parenting style:
@jbarrera404 Max learns the meaning of FAFO
♬ original sound - Jacqueline Barrera Dowling
January 29, 2026
"Advocates of Fafo say it teaches their child independence and the consequences of their actions, even if those consequences are uncomfortable or..."
"... at the extreme end, harsh. Critics say it relies too heavily on fear and humiliation, and that while children might comply as a result, it damages trust. Done properly, however, there isn’t much to separate the styles: true gentle parenting embraces boundaries and consequences, and Fafo doesn’t have to be punishing. But this is online-influenced child rearing, where extremes are pushed, nuance is out and polarisation is in...."
Posts
88 comments:
If ICE arrested and charged Alex Pretti during the first violent encounter with him he might still be alive.
lol my whole Gen X childhood was FAFO. You learn quick!
Another gimmick. Not as bad as the self esteem bullshit.
Why'd she help him with the door?
What record of praiseworthy outcomes can the myrmidons of "gentle child rearing" point to?
Before birth control and modern medicine, women often had 6 or 8 or 10 children. Many mothers and babies died during childbirth, and many small children died before reaching adulthood. The tough survivors were tough for a reason.
Now, with 1 or 2 child households, each child is a precious snowflake and too valuable to lose. They are trained to need protection against threats and FAFO actions as their survivorship potential is so very low.
IMO, we are in a natural global population pause and due for retrenchment. Each little snowflake might FAFO with sports and dangerous actions, or with a gender transition, or as a gender / Palestine / immigration martyr.
Pick your flavor of FAFO, but every animal species has a certain...offspring failure rate...
Parents who discipline their children for social media content should be ostracized and shunned. They FA'd with kids for entertainment and they should FO that even people on social media have a level of decency below which they won't descend.
It's the next best option, what with all the quality learing centers closing down...
The feminization of society went too far.
Karen FA’d and now they are about to FO.
Repealing the 19th amendment is going to be on the agenda.
"Why'd she help him with the door?"
Because he couldn't complete his threatened action and no lesson would have been learned. To bad the video ends there. The real act of how to parent takes place after his return.
Shame and negative reinforcement is far more effective in creating long term memory. This is a biological foundation.
Success is a full belly.
Failure is getting eaten by a bear.
Imagine that. Structuring child rearing so that their experiences approximate what might be found in nature, when mom and dad aren't actually there. Somewhere, Archie Bunker is smiling, along with most of the rest of his generation.
Ann Althouse said...
Why'd she help him with the door?
Because he was faking he couldn't open it.
"Don't let the door hit ya' where God split ya'!"
In elementary school I skipped school and ran away because I didn't want to get a haircut. I was gone all day, with the cops looking for me. I got bored before sunset and the cops found walking home. I not only got the haircut, but a buzzcut down to the scalp. The real lesson was that life on the road is boring without a car.
This occurred years ago - well over a decade. Some friends who are parents to 2 teen aged boys - one of the boys was caught stealing a keychain from McGuckins. He got caught and busted. McGuckins does not tolerate any shop-lifting.
Anyway - the mom and dad said to him - as he was facing all the various consequences.. . "Sucks to be you."
Content creators need content to create.
In our silly participation trophy, they-them, everyone is a racist! , math is evil leftwing cult culture - some fafo is just the pendulum.
Staged, but not as clumsily as Ilhan Omar's ACV shpritz.
@Peachy: "McGuckins does not tolerate any shop-lifting."
Oh to run a bakery next to Oberlin college and catch a black shoplifter...Woke lefties don't tolerate any negative consequences for black people nor any law enforcement.
FA and get a huge donation payout.
If you’re a good parent you don’t record yourself disciplining your child
At least she didn't spray him with apple cider vinegar.
Right before grade school photo day - I cut a square out of my bangs. The photo is solid proof. I tell people that is my twin sister Cletus.
RNB said, "His mom told him, 'We're not playing that game any more.'"
Nice. I've always wanted to use the phrase "if the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule" with mine but I'm gonna wait till they're older so they can think long and hard about it.
To me, facing consequences is just part of life. Parents who shield the children from consequences - are the types that end up helping their adult children lie on college applications.
Bagoh20 mentions a memorable southern practice of requiring the child about to receive punishment to go out and pick his own switch. It was as cruel as requiring the condemned man to tie his own noose!
We have two 3 year-old grand children that we babysit. We tried that "see you later" thing as one of them walked out the door. It didn't work. She just kept going. We caved first.
Fluck around... offers a presumption of innocence and good faith. The alertnative is shared/shifted responsibility and forward retributive change, perhaps through entertainment of abortive ideation including planned parent... hood. FAFO is gentle evolution in an environment with mother and father present and engaged.
Bagoh - there must be limits. 3 is young. wait until she is 4.
/
"The rise of fafo parenting ...."
I think they meant, the rise of bogus clickbait reporting. And it's been rising for quite some time.
The adult women come back faster.
I have read recently that some kids are entering kindergarten without being toilet trained. My grandtwins are almost two and getting used to being on the potty. Mentioned the former to my daughter who works at a (non-Somali) child care center. She says the former is absolutely true- there are parents out there who are either completely lazy or completely don't care.
We raised 5 children to be successful adults. They learned early on that actions have consequences, a polite way of saying FAFO. They also learned early on (and it explains some of their attitudes in life) that in school and public places black children weren't held to the same standards as Caucasian and Asian children...
The alternative to FAFO is Diversity (i.e. color judgment) or minority report. Also, Planned Parenthood umbrella incorporation of a gentle wicked solution.
Perhaps AI can replace AI to foster social leisure and taxable income activity.
Enigma said... with 1 or 2 child households, each child is a precious snowflake
My parents had 9 children. If one of us died, they'd be devastated, sure, but the atmosphere around the dinner table wouldn't change much.
My wife and I have 1 child (not by choice, that's just how it worked out) and if something happened to her, we might never recover. I don't think the marriage would survive our very different grieving processes.
Even so, if gentle child rearing is dying out, that is a good thing. It leads to damaged, incomplete children. If FAFO Parenting is just a trendy name for what we used to call tough love, then good. Give the kids some space and let them learn about life.
I learned relatively late in life that black fathers teach their sons to box. Many also use this as a disciplinary technique: not 'go cut a switch,' but 'go in the basement and lace up.'
If you calibrate your boxing to the kid's abilities, that's not a bad technique. The kid learns a valuable skill, he only gets as much punishment as he can't avoid. and he has a chance to hit back.
Wear your cup though - if the kid does hit back, that's where it's going.
"Boy, what did we learn today?' - "Don't mouth off to Mama?" - "That's right. What else?" - "I dunno, Dad." - "We learned to protect yourself at all times! Now go apologize to your mom and ask her to bring me an icepack." CC, JSM
“If you’re a good parent you don’t record yourself disciplining your child“
This is true. Those parents, sooner or later, will find out. I hope it’s sooner.
"Why'd she help him with the door?"
Because she's making content, and sometimes your actors need a little nudge to get stuff right.
About 20 years ago there was an evangelical guy who promoted corporal punishment. One of his followers killed their kid. The evangelical guy went on 60 minutes and explained that the follower didn't follow the techniques correctly.
It sounded pretty interesting. Most notably, he did not advocate corporal punishment for kids who can talk. At that point, as a Christian parent, he thought you have to use your words for moral suasion. Spanking is for very small children below the age of reason who can only understand the Pavlovian association (although he didn't call it that).
He also demonstrated on himself - took a very thin green stick, stripped the bark, made sure it had no knots or anything on it. Had the reporter whip him with it - no lasting damage, and not a huge amount of pain.
Pretty interesting. I am not a father, so all this is theory to me. CC, JSM
No Giardia… too excremental!
"Boy, what did we learn today?' - "Don't mouth off to Mama?" - "That's right. What else?" - "I dunno, Dad." - "We learned to protect yourself at all times! Now go apologize
to your mom and ask her to bring me an icepack."
Haha. Reminded of:
https://youtu.be/IifiWa2KvzM?si=WjfVHpmeuFhLYnZF
2:30
Bagoh - well yeah. cuz it's you... Magnum pi.
I learned at a young age that I could talk my way out of most of the trouble I got myself into. It explains why I turned out to be such a brat.
Growing up the phrase confirming FAFO was afoot, was “Bueno que te pase” (for reasons). Translation: “Good thing this happened to you.”
Or, if a consequence was befalling someone else, known to the family, and it was being recounted, it was “Bueno que le pase” (for reasons). Translation: “Good thing this happened to them”.
For reasons was always included, because it needed to be distinguishable from an act of fate; ‘a teaching moment’
It was the rearing version of “never letting a crisis go to waste”.
The word for it is “escarmiento”. Translation: a moral lesson.
I believe this is still the predominant rearing strategy in Latin America.
It helps explain why there was so little condemnation coming from Venezuelans, when Trump picked up/kidnapped Maduro. It also didn't help Maduro, that he had been such an asshole to his own people. The stuff they mostly leave out of news coverage here in the US.
i have a serious question:
is there a person on earth (ANY ONE), that STILL pretends that "gentle parenting" was, in ANY way, useful?
Or, have we ALL FO'd and FA'd?
would like to hear from anyone that practiced (practices?) this
Not sure, Peachy, but hiding the shoes seemed a powerful tool.
back in 1974, my (then) 17 year brother told my folks:
"The Day I turn 18.. I am OUT THE DOOR!"
to which, my mother replied:
"The Day You turn 18.. I am CHANGING THE LOCKS"
it calmed my brother down a surprizing amount.
When you are older you will be free to make choices and I won't always be around to supervise them. Think about what your choices are and what will happen once you make them. For now I want to help make you aware of what can happen when you make those choices, and help you out if you make bad ones. When you are older I won't always be around to help. Learn to make good choices in your life. I love you very much.
We started this with them at 3 years depending in the child. At 7 we started the process of cutting them loose. During high school it was
it was you're pretty much on your own now,, but always have a quarter (back in the day of pay phones) and a condom (3boys) in your wallet. We will help as we can if something goes wrong. My wife would make them pull out their wallets to verify a few times a year.
The toughest part, for me at least, was learning to not give advice that wasn't asked for after they were on their own. The sooner you can make them responsible for their own choices and consequences the better off they are. An awful lot of our societal problems stem from not allowing kids to grow up imo.
"gilbar said...
i have a serious question:
is there a person on earth (ANY ONE), that STILL pretends that "gentle parenting" was, in ANY way, useful?"
Have a single mom acquaintance. No spankings, no yelling, ignored tantrums. Always a "gentle parent". Son ended up at Annapolis, now an officer on a carrier.
I just shake my head and think, lucky he didn't connect with the wrong peer group as a teen.
I am sure we all know good families with at least one bad apple, and families with abusive parent where kids ended up ok.
Gee - - FAFO
Sounds like a synonym for accountability. And that, boys and girls, is a good thing.
Do you get along all right with your mother?
Obviously I wasn't going to allow my child to do something that would be physically harmful on purpose....like touch the wood burning fireplace, drink drain cleaner or jump off of the roof. BUT...when I said "whatever" wasn't a good idea and explained the possible consequences..... and she did it anyway...in defiance or behind my back and the consequences as predicted...(.the FO part) we would have a discussion on why it was a bad idea and what she should do about this in the future.
There also IS a place for a good quick swat on the behind once in a while and other punishments along with the "I told you so" speech.
"The toughest part, for me at least, was learning to not give advice that wasn't asked for after they were on their own."
My parents did that (or didn't, depending on how you look at it). Once I was out of the house I was treated as a grownup who was able to make my own decisions.
Experience is a great teacher. We, my brothers and I, were left to our own devices when we weren't in school. We went through a lot of clothes and shoes. We also got a lot of bumps and cuts.
There was the back acres of the Parker-Hannefin factory. Which was right next to the switch yard that had a turntable that was flooded and had blue gill in it. We only had to cross ten or so sets of tracks and sometimes get yelled at by one of the railroad people. There was the pond that used to be the tank pond for steam engines. There was farmer Mohlers field where at different times of the year there were forts dug, artifacts found and vegetables to be plundered. There was Wellers creek that ran into the DesPlaines River. There were the C&NW railroad tracks.
The only "gentle parenting" thing I do is try to remain quite calm. I try not to shout because I don't want my children to think it's OK to shout or generally be emotional. Not sure if that's considered "gentle parenting."
Otherwise, I use carrots and sticks. Do this or else. Do this if you want this. Hardest part is following through. Is FAFO literally just establishing rules and enforcing them? That seems basic.
I would not let a very young child leave the home like that and be out of sight. What if he just kept going and got hit by a car? And I would not put it on social media.
Seriously, i was raised in the '50's, FAFO was the way we all were raised. Hell, when i threatened to run away from home, when i was 7, my mother helped pack my bag. Like i say to my daughter, fear was a great motivator. My mother never did a "wait till you father gets home", she enacted the punishment on the spot. But it has to be measured, and used at the right moments. IF you are FAFO all the time, they will catch on.
Rusty: railroad turntables were the original attractive nuisances in liability law, iirc. CC, JSM
gilbar said...
back in 1974, my (then) 17 year brother told my folks:
"The Day I turn 18.. I am OUT THE DOOR!"
Our daughter "threatened" to do that. We had to pry her loose, so to speak, when she reached age 19 and was still here.
When our daughter, the day after she got her driver's license at age 16, picked up her friend and proceeded to get into a little "trouble" with the law. The friend's parents came and picked their daughter up at the station. When we got the "call," the officer asked if we would give permission for ours to drive home. OH.HECK.NO. We let her sit for some time while we changed clothes, etc. The officer was a little ticked because he had to stay with her, but too bad. My hubby drove her car home while I drove ours. Also, no car for her for a month. Sometime while she was a teenager I told her that I hoped that someday she had a daughter just like her. She screamed.
She had not a daughter, but a son. I noticed the "signs" by the time he was 18 months old. I was the babysitter while she worked/went to tech college. But this time I had the internet and discovered the book, "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child." (I was never strong-willed; my dad just had to frown at me.) That book saved us both. It was a lot of work because I always had to think of an appropriate response to "if you do that again, this will happen..." and I would do it, because in the beginning he would of course do it again. But I always let him know he was loved. He's an adult now and loves his grandma. (And is a responsible adult.)
I highly recommend that book for those with strong-willed children. I think the author was Rex Forehand. Forgive me if I'm wrong; it was many years ago.
A few years back, there was a “free range kid” movement. Iirc, they even had some special parks
what does Oxford dictionary say about origination of FAFO?
John. There were some big blue gills in that turn table pond.
>Ann Althouse said...
Why'd she help him with the door?<
So he would be outside by himself in the dark - you know, for the lesson that was underway.
So Fafo is like the parenting me and my fellow tail-end baby-boomer friends endured? Bowl of sugary breakfast cereal, out to school, cafeteria lunch paid from your small allowance, don't come home until dinner time, TV sitcoms, then bed. On repeat. No helicoptering parents. No parental bonding-time. To be seen, but not heard, and geez don't bother me, answer is no if it costs money.
My parents spanked me on my bare ass with a leather belt. It only happened twice. I deserved it both times. It didn't hurt. It was all threat and show, but I sure pretended it was killing me. Despite it not hurting or leaving any marks, I still feared it, because it meant they were really unhappy with me. I think my parents handled discipline perfectly. I loved them, and I knew they cared, and I understood when I was wrong there were consequences.
If the parents of Alex Pretti and Rachel Good had practiced FAFO parenting the two might be alive right now.
@Yancey Ward, in a statement released by Pretti's family, they said "We had this discussion with him two weeks ago or so, you know, that go ahead and protest, but do not engage, do not do anything stupid". Yep. Life is hard. But it's deadly if you're stupid.
off
Many, not all, children aren't given any boundaries when growing up. They are not taught manners or respect by their lazy, ignorant, parents who are character disturbed themselves. These sort of parents raise children who don’t have the ability to become successful adults.
“My parents spanked me on my bare ass with a leather belt. It only happened twice. I deserved it both times. It didn't hurt.”
Was the 2nd spanking the final straw, bagoh20?
Was that when you’d had enough and decided to move out?
Just kiddin’… I couldn’t resist that hanging curveball, 😁
Le D, I'm sorry, but that was incoherent. Are you OK?
"Was that when you’d had enough and decided to move out?"
Yes, I 53 years old. They just couldn't swing like the old days.
Offering to help pack so you could run away was a line my mom used. I agree that the mom in the video will one day FAFO what happens when you use your kid as clickbait. If I understand the video, she didn't just open the door. She also turned off the porch light.
"bagoh20 said...
My parents spanked me on my bare ass with a leather belt. It only happened twice. I deserved it both times. It didn't hurt. It was all threat and show, but I sure pretended it was killing me. Despite it not hurting or leaving any marks, I still feared it, because it meant they were really unhappy with me. I think my parents handled discipline perfectly. I loved them, and I knew they cared, and I understood when I was wrong there were consequences."
I never got the belt because the thread was enough. "wait until you father gets home". The few times my mom spanked me on the ass the biggest deal was to suppress laughter.
Customs officer: "most countries that allow caning don't do so unless the crime is very substantial"
I remember the big Singapore case where an American was caned for vandalism. CC, JSM
Kids are wrapped in cotton wool these days. It doesn't help them grow up. I'm glad that I grew up in the free range child tradition. And I did get hit with a belt a couple of times when I had it coming. But mostly I had things to to do--and was expected to do them.
ooh, from the Wikipedia article on Singaporean caning: "Another example is the transporting of illegal immigrants; a manager of a company who authorises or participates in such activity can be sentenced to caning."
Now that would really help clean up the demand side. CC, JSM
I moved out when I was 14. I learned FAFO by myself. And quickly.
“Why'd she help him with the door?“
TikTok waits for nobody.
Dorothy Gale fooled around and found out the hard way when she let her nasty little dog Toto bite Almira Gulch. Then all hell broke loose, legal dispute, sheriff’s orders, seizure of property, and then everyone suffered. All because the farmhands rushed over and caught the self-centered child instead of allowing her to go ahead and foolishly fall into the pig sty, thereby preventing the willful brat from learning a valuable and timely lesson the easy way.
bagoh20 said...
It didn't hurt. It was all threat and show, but I sure pretended it was killing me. Despite it not hurting or leaving any marks, I still feared it, because it meant they were really unhappy with me.
Shame when you know you deserve it lasts much longer than pain.
I don't want my kids to be afraid of pain.
I want them to be afraid of shame.
Until very recently, almost all societies used a version of this as punishment. The whole "Eye for an eye" of the Old Testament was basically this. Stole something? They cut off your hand. And then let you go. Good luck!
But you weren't in a hole in the ground for years rotting away. Now we put people into jail for decades. Is it more humane than just chopping off their hand and letting them go? Maybe a "forcible Eunichization" for the sexual abusers?
My partner had two of her own, and one or two step kids, for most of their childhood. Plus often another four friends for the summer, at the ranch in MT during the summers. Her oldest grandkid, now a father on his part now, still tells her that she is the Teacher of Good Lessons.
When her son was 2-3, he had a temper tantrum. She picked him up, put him against the wall, and asked him what he was doing. He was having a temper tantrum why? Because Jeremy and Shane told him that that was how to get his way? Do I look like Pam, their mother? No! Do you want her as your mother? I’ll give you to her to raise, if you want to. No! Next time you have a temper tantrum, that’s where you are going. For good! Worked like a charm.
Her daughter was a bit harder. There were nights when she would sit in a corner, then go to bed hungry, when she didn’t want to eat what the rest of the family ate.
But a couple other times stick out. When she was 4-5 maybe the family went on a picnic. To leave, the rest of the family got into the car. This one wanted to stat. Fine! Stay said her mother. We’ll come by tomorrow to see how you’re doing. And drove off. They never really lost sight of her. But she didn’t know that. The kid panicked, of course, and never did that again.
A couple years, my partner heard a blood curdling scream. She came running to find her daughter just practicing. She reminded her daughter about Peter and The Wolf, told her that the next time, was the last time. After that, they would just assume that the screaming was intentional, and ignore it. Her hand gets cut off, it’s on her. Bleeds out. On her. But for the next hour she can go out on the porch, scream all she wants, and no one will hear her. Yes, there’s a bear down in the lower forest, and he often comes by this time of day. That ended that problem.
Finally, this girl miraculously became a teenager. And got caught stealing underwear (thongs) with her best friends Because, of course, mother didn’t want middle school daughter going to school in a thong. So, mother got two orange outfits for the two girls, and trash bags. Dropped them down by the freeway, and told them to pick up trash for the next two hours. Because that is what to expect when the police catch kids stealing. You might as well get used to it. Again, she kept her eyes on her daughter the whol time, but again, the daughter didn’t know.
My parents made it clear that the spankings were not out of anger. It was ritualized to make good use of the threat. I was told to go to my room, assume the position and wait. They would come up after 15 or 20 minutes. No yelling, no anger, just cold justice delivered without emotion. One time, there was no belt. The whole production, and then nothing but a talking too. It was always explained why it was happening, and it wasn't over until I gave the right answer to : "Now are you going to do that again?"
I remember what I did one time. Some friends and I threw rocks and broke a half dozen windows in a building just for fun. With the arrogance of 7 year olds, we went in the store that was inside the same building. Busted. Cops came, parents called, Dad had to pay. Yea, I deserved it. My friends got no punishment, because their parents were deadbeats, and my Dad paid the bill. Those friends are all dead now from drugs later in life. I'll take the spankings. I don't know if this is why, but I was always the kid in the gang telling everyone that doing something like breaking into the cooler behind the bar to steal sodas was a bad idea. I usually got overruled. Democracy.
"but I was always the kid in the gang telling everyone that doing something like breaking into the cooler behind the bar to steal sodas was a bad idea. I usually got overruled. Democracy."
The kids I hung out with in high school ended up going down that road. I decided I needed to find new friends. I credit my decision to lessons taught to me by my parents.
Try and do an internet search for a bio of Alex Pretti right now. He's on his way to sainthood, from the looks of it, the world's best VA nurse, a friend to every vet, a humble but outgoing guy, loved by everybody, a nonpareil sense of humor, a paragon of virtue, an all-round genius. And not a word of anything having to do with who or what he actually was. No mention of family, spouses, kids, affiliations, anything. No mention of subversive achievements either.
I went through a firebug phase when I was a little kid. If I could get my hands on matches or a lighter, I was lighting them. I probably was four or five. Mom tried "gentle parenting" to no avail. Dad eventually had me sit down in our driveway and tossed a box of matches to me. I was in heaven. He was working in the garage, watching me out of the corner of his eye. As expected, I eventually burned my finger, and cried my eyes out. My mom gave my dad hell, but I learned my lesson that day. After that, I understood that my parents always had a reason when they told me not to do something. I didn't always accept their reasons, but I always took them seriously. Thanks, dad.
I can't ever remember my dad hitting any of us three boys. My mom however, all four feet ten of her would pick up the closest thing to hand and start in on you. If you were lucky it was just a rolled up magazine. If you were unlucky you got a kitchen utensil. It's from her I learned of the randomness of the universe. The one that got hit wasn't necessarily the one that was guilty. She just grabbed the first kid that came to hand. She was a force to be reconned with until we got to be teenagers. She only weighed maybe 90 ponds. We'd just pick her up and move her out of the way.
Post a Comment
Please use the comments forum to respond to the post. Don't fight with each other. Be substantive... or interesting... or funny. Comments should go up immediately... unless you're commenting on a post older than 4 days. Then you have to wait for us to moderate you through. It's also possible to get shunted into spam by the machine. We try to keep an eye on that and release the miscaught good stuff. We do delete some comments, but not for viewpoint... for bad faith.