Nick Stopping said he had dinner the other night at the home of Stropp, the investment banker, on Park Avenue, and Stropp’s four-year-old daughter, by his second wife, came into the dining room pulling a toy wagon, upon which was a fresh human turd — yes, a turd! — her own, one hoped, and she circled the table three times, and neither Stropp nor his wife did a thing but shake their heads and smile. This required no extended comment, since the Yanks’ treacly indulgence of their children was well known, and Fallow ordered another vodka Southside and toasted the absent Asher Herzfeld, and they ordered drinks all around.That's from the point of view of Peter Fallow, a British journalist who works in NYC, writing for a trashy tabloid, and who disapproves of "Yanks." It's a running joke that Fallow orders a "vodka Southside" because of Asher Herzfeld, a rich American, who, according to Kindle location 3195, "had always driven the waiters and the bartenders crazy by ordering the noxious American drink, the vodka Southside, which was made with mint, and then complaining that the mint wasn’t fresh."
I'm intrigued by the issue of freshness — first in the mint that the rich American insisted upon and then in the turd that the American child gave a ride in her wagon. The Brits feel superior, but do they care about freshness? I'm looking up recipes for the vodka Southside, and it's quite clear that fresh mint is crucial. And as for the child, well, the turd was fresh too.
The turd was also "human." It's funny to regard the turd as human. I'm inclined to say that "human turd" is jocose and not a proper usage of "human." As for "turd," the word, I was just opining 2 days ago that "turd" is an uglier word than "shit." I hope you'll believe me that it's just by chance that I'm wheeling "turd" around again, so that makes it fresh turd.
It's interesting to see, so close to "turd," the idea of "treacly indulgence" of children. Not only does the turd circle the table where people are eating, but "treacle" is a food. "Treacle" is syrup, literally, and figuratively, it's "Something sweet or clogging; esp. complimentary laudation, blandishment." The earliest figurative usage, according to the OED, comes from a 1771 novel that I've read, "Humphry Clinker" by Tobias Smollett: "He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his discourse with the treacle of compliment and commendation." It's just by chance that I'm blandishing the name Smollett.
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Smollett doesn't look too fresh in that painting, and it was done when he was 45! I don't know what he thought of the Americans. He died the same year "Humphry Clinker" was published, 5 years before the revolution that shook off those censorious Brits.
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a fresh human turd — yes, a turd! — her own, one hoped,
When M&M's don't work, we crowd-source our gratification to the neighbors.
Wow, this is a brilliant post.
Great job of including all that stuff, even the black gay guy got looped in.
Thanks!
I’ve had it with all things Smollett.
Leave it to Ann Althouse to discover the only other famous Smollett in history.
I'm enjoying this sentence:
"No ratty riding mac encumbered the sleek fat back of Pollard Browning."
This is why I enjoy reading Hemingway and Twain.
Radio Derb today has a few quotes from Tobias Smollett.
I think for my part one half of the nation is mad — and the other not very sound.
The turd was also "human." It's funny to regard the turd as human. I'm inclined to say that "human turd" is jocose and not a proper usage of "human."
an exception should be made in Jussie's case.
As far as Smollett the Elder-- he looks like he's not sure if he should treacle, or make a turd
Dog turd can look remarkably similar to human turd. So can turd from a hunkin big racoon.
@Rehajm
you really know your shit
Note to those I deleted: this isn’t an open thread. Wait for the cafe.
Seems like the Soutside is conceptually adjacent to the Julep and the Mojito (as the Boulevardier is to the Negroni); but doesn’t seem noxious at all, unless the Fallows fello abjures all summer libations lacking quinine.
Their crap must not have been the proper crap for this wagon.
I'm reminded of the first of a spy thriller series by David stone (actually carsten stroud) the character micah dalton is an ex spec OP operator who has been detailed as a 'cleaner' hes in venice to investigate the death of a colleague, he encounters some Croatian gangsters in a cafe, and proceeds to brutally pound on them, all the while singing a sappy tale, he regards the thugs that way.
As brimstone and treacle, sulphur has long been given as a laxative and "blood cleanser".
also see: Gordon Sumner. Sting!! not Roger.
At what point does a turd become stale, or not fresh?
Is it a matter of departure of fragrance? Texture?
Moisture content, or perhaps sponginess?
Per usual, Wolfe was way ahead of a major trend. Parents don’t discipline their children. The kids rule the roost. When I was a kid, children were to be seen but not heard. And, of course, there was the kids’ table. Children today are idolized by their parents.
@Fullmoon
look at the "best used by" date
Of course the death of the colleague is not accidental, its tied to a deep state operation they were trying to cover up.
"Scat!!" That should have been the response to the kid with 'merde a la carte'
Althouse,
I know that.
Plus: first comment.
Double trouble.
..."it's just by chance that I'm wheeling "turd" around again, so that makes it fresh turd."
Ann, were you on - just by chance - some "disinhibiting substances" when you wrote this?
Just curious.
How is "human turd" not a proper usage of "human." A dog or cat turd wouldn't do the trick here—wouldn't be disgusting in the way that this scene requires.
Fallow is the only character (so far anyway) that comes across to me as repulsive. He seems less than human. I'm hoping he will get his shit together during the course of the book, but I'm not optimistic.
Back in the 60’s, my mother had bridge parties. No way would we bother the adults!
How is "human turd" not a proper usage of "human." A dog or cat turd wouldn't do the trick here
Or what about fish? Like bass turd.
Yes fallows is cynical, but anymore than the tripe the times or Newsday puts out.
The frisky wild animal circles the table 3 times. Being Wolf and all I think of Glenn circling the earth 3 times. In his wagon with the freshest of turds? Had they figured that out by then? Funny part of that book was the astronaut finally letting loose with number 1 so it could be a go.
The Brits feel superior, but do they care about freshness?
Brits couldn't give a whig about freshness, but they do care about Upmanship, and nothing makes your host feel insecure quite like asking for a drink that requires fresh mint.
this "Tots, Turds 'n (parental)Treacle" reminded us of a fairly recent article posted by an upscale urban-type(NYC?)Mommy.
Mommy was, like Lizzy Warren, potty training her daughter, and basked in the innocent triumph of her offspring when she had scored a successful drop 'over the target' w/o much collateral damage.
"Big Poo, Mommy!! Big Poo!!" (she also marveled that they looked like "brown dolphins")
Mommy, in this day and age of pre-schoolers getting versed in anal sex and condoms-on-bananas, lamented that this innocent glee would soon be gone.
Precious moments are when the 'dolphins' stay in the pool. Treacle is letting them go for a ride during dinner time.
Fresher is better ... right?
"I am not animal! I am human feces!" the "Elephant Turd"
Fallows was supposedly based on Christopher Hitchens but I don’t know if Wolfe ever commented on it. I remember when the book was first published there were lots of guesses as to real life models of the fictional characters.
I believe that Tobias's surname was pronouced SMOLLet, whereas Jussie pronounces the same name Smol-LET. Sounds affected (by which I mean French). I learn from Wikipedia that Smol-LET's first name is actually Justin, so "Jussie" is just a (probably juvenile) nick name. TW could have had some fun with all that. We will miss him.
Smollet wasn't a bad writer, going by "Roderick Random" anyway.
Never tried the others.
Its an interesting piece, a slice of life sort of thing, full of contemporary mores and quirks, satirical and adventurous and tongue in cheek.
It also has a bit about the British disaster at Cartagena, which doesn't otherwise feature in English literature.
"yes, a turd!" is such a joyful, enthusiastic bit of writing, and very much characteristic of Tom Wolfe. It also has the upbeat quality--and exclamation point--that would make it a great political slogan. (Think "Jeb!".) "Bernie Sanders--yes, a turd!" could be just the thing to put him over the top.
Some say it was cockburn others say Haden guest, since hes more of a paparazzi.
RE: Wolfe & Smollet*
Insty had a great quote today regarding the Jussie Smollet hoax; "Tom Wolfe may have passed on, but the coding he wrote to program the Matrix is still working brilliantly."
*Egad! Sounds like a law firm!
Some say it was cockburn others say Haden guest, since hes more of a paparazzi.
I believe Wolfe renders Cockburn as Nick Stopping, the "Marxist journalist . . . who lived chiefly on articles flattering the rich in House and Garden, Art and Antiques and Connoisseur."
Treacle is a British comfort-food necessity. Comes from having owned a bunch of Carbbean sugar-islands for a few hundred years.
I know this as the family was intensely anglophile, my dad and grandfather both worked for an old Anglo-American "Hong", now disappeared. And the fact that most of our relatives moved to Australia. We got stuff from Hong Kong and Sydney and London (when in Spain) for that matter, Cadburys chocolate and Enid Blyton, McVities Jaffa cakes and Ladybird books (brilliant, those). Treacle, well, meh.
I just started reading today.
There is some bizarre stuff in 18th century English lit.
If you want to try something truly odd, I suggest Beckfords "Vathek" (1786)
Its very readable even for us moderns and races straight along, leaving the reader, ever page or two, gasping "wait, what?"
Why shouldn't a turd have the adjective "human"? The turd wasn't "human" in the sense of being "a human", but it came from a human, one hoped. There are dog turds, cat turds, whatever turds, and human turds. Everybody poops.
Speaking of human turds, Fallow had the potential of being the hero of the book, one hoped, but I won't spoil anything. We'll keep it fresh.
Oh, and Orwell wrote an essay called "Tobias Smollett: Scotland's Best Novelist".
You can get treacle in British import shops, and online of course. If you want to imagine treacle, think of plain Karo syrup.
Is it just me? I really hate the word "turd"
HAR HAR HAR!
New Yorkers are not as not only held in contempt by snooty Brits - those a-holes are frowned upon all over the world by normal people with triple digit IQs. I love how arrogant they are, when they look down their noses at others! It’s great to see them get bent when the Brits do it right back at them!
"How is "human turd" not a proper usage of "human." A dog or cat turd wouldn't do the trick here—wouldn't be disgusting in the way that this scene requires."
What I learned in high school was that "human" as a noun is incorrect and should only be used as a noun intentionally for some reason, such as to be funny (i.e. jocose).
There were 5 humans in the park.
If that doesn't look funny to you, we've lost something.
So "human turd" is not parallel to "dog turd," where dog is a noun used as an adjective. It's parallel "canine turd." The turd itself doesn't have the qualities of dog. It just came from a dog.
By the way, you wouldn't say "human vomit," though you say "dog vomit."
I think the phrase "human turd" would work as an insult to a person, where you mean to call the person a piece of shit. This is a turd walking around in human form.
But I insist that a piece of shit cannot be human! Not literally.
FullMoon said...
At what point does a turd become stale, or not fresh?
You must never have had a dog. It is fresh when it is warm. And for some reason, cold poop is much grosser then warm poop. At least when you have to pick it up.
According to dictionary.com, “human” is a perfectly fine noun, which means “human being.”
But I insist that a piece of shit cannot be human! Not literally.
But it is. Literally. Among the things that make human, that is distinct from all other life forms is our gut flora, those bacteria which have coevolved with our species. A skilled microbiologist can distinguish a human turd from any other, including chimpanzee scat and gorilla goo simply by the bacteria which comprise most of our excrement.
Human is an adjective, is it not? What else can exude from a normal functioning human colon except a human turd?
That portrait of Tobias Smollett (an enjoyable writer who should be read) is vaguely disturbing. It's slightly distorted and abnormal, at least to my eye. Compare the length of Mr. Smollett's torso to the visible portions of his legs, and his hands to his face. It was common practice in those days when everyone who had the means sat for a portrait for the painters to employ one or more apprentices, who sometimes were given the task of filling in the details after the master had completed the face, which may explain the visual oddities.
In “human turd,” human is an adjective describing turd. Grammatically, it could be taken to mean a turd that is human instead of the turd of a human.
And for some reason, cold poop is much grosser then warm poop.
As someone who has picked up many tons of poop, I can categorically attest that cold poop is less fragrant than the body-temperature kind.
Ditto for Merriam-Webster's (quoting…):
2 human
noun
: a bipedal primate mammal (Homo sapiens) : a person : MAN — usually plural
• a disease that affects both humans and animals
• incomprehensible to us humans —William James
broadly : hominid
• the least developed of all ancestral humans —A. L. Kroeber
Saturdays's child is full of shit.
Orwell was mentioned once in the comments; it seems only fair to mention his contribution to the literature of human turds, which occurs in his school memoir "Such, Such Were the Joys": ". . . the murky sea water of the local Baths, which came straight in from the beach, and on which I once saw floating a human turd. . ."
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