Althouse: "No, I wasn't cold. I'm not cold. Her choice is her choice. You know, I did the best I could, but you know, OK, I think if somebody doesn't want to be part of my life, fine."

May 28, 2018

"No, I wasn't cold. I'm not cold. Her choice is her choice. You know, I did the best I could, but you know, OK, I think if somebody doesn't want to be part of my life, fine."

"Go and do whatever you want. I have no memories or any... I certainly don't... I wish her well and all that, but I don't want to talk about my daughter. Those things are over. I've got no blame. People do what they do. And I don't understand it and it doesn't bother me. I can't waste my time worrying about it. And I'm not cold, I'm just thinking, 'Oh well, that's the way it is.'"

Said the actor Anthony Hopkins about his daughter Abigail Harrison, reported in The Daily Mail.

70 comments:

Luke Lea said...: He's ready for Hell (if there is a Hell).; 5/28/18, 7:29 AM
Dude1394 said...: Why is it necessarily his “problem” that they are estranged and isn’t willing to wallow in potential fake guilt about it.; 5/28/18, 7:31 AM
MikeR said...: It's a terrible thing about modern society, that so many children think that they can cut their parents out of their lives. Or that so many parents are so incredibly dysfunctional that the children have no choice. Any parent knows how awful that would be, how it would be like a piece of them was amputated.
So I'm not too interested in reading an article where both father and daughter tell themselves comforting lies. They may be rich and famous, but that doesn't mean they aren't pathetic.; 5/28/18, 7:39 AM
Ralph L said...: He should have kept his mouth shut, but men can go weird at 80ish.

He can send some of his money my way if she doesn't want it.

Various parts of my late step-monster's family weren't on speaking terms for years at a time. It wasn't just because the women were crazy, spendthrift bitches and the men were doormats, because her two sons spoke at her funeral for the first and only time in over ten years. But then, they kept marrying women as petty and ill-tempered as their mother.; 5/28/18, 7:41 AM
Bay Area Guy said...: More Hollywood values - break up with your family, but don't worry about it! Hey, you're not cold, you just don't give a fuck!; 5/28/18, 7:46 AM
Gahrie said...: Apparently Hopkins has committed the sin of making a woman feel bad about something. even worse, the something is a choice she made.

A woman must never be made to feel about, or responsible for, anything, ever.; 5/28/18, 7:47 AM
John henry said...: I am currently rewatching (3rd time) bbc's War and Peace. 20 episodes, available on YouTube.

Hopkins plays pierre and is marvelous in the role.

The entire series is superb!

John Henry; 5/28/18, 7:50 AM
Oso Negro said...: It clearly does bother him, despite his denial. He is right that "people do what they do". Children who grow up in the same family have wildly different experiences of that family and wildly different emotional responses. The idea that a parent can control or even influence all outcomes is most often held by people with limited experience as parents.; 5/28/18, 7:53 AM
Birkel said...: Relationships are complicated. People who judge the relationships of others - necessarily lacking information - read as ghoulish, to my mind.

What is between the two of them may be the best case scenario. Who could say?

But do go forward projecting your views onto them.; 5/28/18, 7:54 AM
Bill Peschel said...: If they're quoting him accurately, it sounds like he was "doorstepped" and fumbled about for the right quote.

Since I have no idea about the backstory, and there's no chance of getting caught up, I'll pass on thinking about them any further.

I can also say that families can drift apart, especially in this country. Mine live in the four corners of the U.S. I haven't seen them in person in more than two decades. There's no real animosity; we're busy living our lives and it was easy not to talk to each other. (It also helps that as the youngest, my older brother was six years older than me, and the two eldest were out of the house by the time I was aware of them. Not many chances on which to build a relationship.)

Still, there's a difference between indifference and active hostility.; 5/28/18, 7:54 AM
rhhardin said...: Just based on probabilities, the girl is the crazy one.; 5/28/18, 7:58 AM
Darrell said...: Abigail supposedly broke contact when Hopkins said something bad about her mother, who was deceased by that time. Hopkins had abandoned that family when she was 14-months, and they re-connected in the 1990s. Abigail, if you are listening, let it go. You have to be aware that there isn't much time left. Everybody does and says stupid things. Why pass up an opportunity that won't come around again?; 5/28/18, 7:59 AM
Levi Starks said...: Interesting article. He has practically no knowledge of her life, and yet separated by both ocean and continents she can’t escape him.; 5/28/18, 8:01 AM
Darrell said...: He blamed his lack of family harmony on his own childhood, revealing that being sent to boarding school from a young age destroyed any "idea of family loyalty".

In a shocking interview (to The Mirror) in May 2018, Sir Anthony coldly stated he had no interest in Abigail's life , or even finding out whether or not she has children.

"I don't have any idea. People break up. Families split and, you know, 'get on with your life'. People make choices. I don’t care one way or the other," he told Radio Times.; 5/28/18, 8:01 AM
Darrell said...: The above (8:01AM) was part of the first comment, but was dropped by Blogger. Odd.; 5/28/18, 8:03 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "... but men can go weird at 80ish..."

Men can go weird at any age.

Women too.

It's humanity.; 5/28/18, 8:05 AM
Waynezworld said...: Cut him some slack. His daughter’s blog handle is “Inga. What would you do?; 5/28/18, 8:05 AM
Ann Althouse said...: I don't think what he's saying is so bad. He's giving the daughter her autonomy and not pestering or trying to guilt-trip her. If he were anguishing and crying about it or begging her to get in touch, that would (depending on what he knows about her) disrespect her independence. If she knows he's open to her if she ever wanted to reconnect, that give her the space to figure out where her life's journey goes.; 5/28/18, 8:07 AM
Darrell said...: This is what I picture every time I see an Inga comment.

Watch.; 5/28/18, 8:14 AM
Hagar said...: The tragedy appears to be all in The Daily Mail reporter's mind.; 5/28/18, 8:16 AM
Molly said...: Hopkins inhabited the role of Hannibal Lector to such an extent that when I read the novels I saw his face and heard his voice. Before seeing LA confidential I had already read the James Ellroy novel, but when I saw James Cromwell, I thought -- exactly -- that is Dudley Smith (a fairly complex character). Anyone else have nominees in this category?; 5/28/18, 8:16 AM
Unknown said...: Sir Anthony sounds conflicted about it to me. It's very painful for him.; 5/28/18, 8:17 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: "If she knows he's open to her if she ever wanted to reconnect, that give her the space to figure out where her life's journey goes."

From another person, I think that would be fine but not from a parent. Public begging and wallowing would be bad too. Something more along the lines of, "I love my daughter and would love to know what she is up to, so the door is always open, but I respect her wishes and will not badger her to speak with me," would be better. He makes it sound like he doesn't care and is indifferent to speaking with her, which is probably not true. He should be honest.; 5/28/18, 8:23 AM
Ralph L said...: It's time to get back to Femail.; 5/28/18, 8:25 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "From another person, I think that would be fine but not from a parent. Public begging and wallowing would be bad too. Something more along the lines of, "I love my daughter and would love to know what she is up to, so the door is always open, but I respect her wishes and will not badger her to speak with me," would be better. He makes it sound like he doesn't care and is indifferent to speaking with her, which is probably not true. He should be honest."

Often, after the fact, we can think of better words, and your words are more within the social norm and what a book of etiquette might prescribe for people looking for the language. But he was using his own words, from his own mind, and revealing something about himself, risking looking cold and seeming brusque.

I'm inclined to be generous to people who are caught in spontaneous expression. The main thing he was saying was you're invading my privacy, I don't want to talk about it.; 5/28/18, 8:32 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: I agree with all of that. Perhaps he even appended his words in a message to her later.; 5/28/18, 8:39 AM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: Something of an English response from the old Welsh actor, but if she's going to be that much of a bitch about things I'm not sure there is much he can do. The great risk with raising kids these days.; 5/28/18, 8:42 AM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: Something more along the lines of, "I love my daughter and would love to know what she is up to, so the door is always open, but I respect her wishes and will not badger her to speak with me," would be better. He makes it sound like he doesn't care and is indifferent to speaking with her, which is probably not true.

Right, blame him. What does he or any parent have to do on top of it all, be a Hallmark card writer? Jesus. Some kids are just psycho, just as any other segment of the population. Or entitled, like MASSIVE segments of the population. I suppose we're to think that John Voigt is guilty of insufficiently sentimental outreach to that psychopath of a deliberately self-estranged daughter he has in Angelina Jolie, as well. Where does it end? Life is about balance and so few people get that.; 5/28/18, 8:45 AM
Lucien said...: @Molly

It’s reported that after seeing the mini-series made out of Tinker, Tailor .. John leCarre could only see Alec Guinness as Smiley.

No number of movies will make me picture Tom Cruise as Reacher, though.; 5/28/18, 8:49 AM
gspencer said...: Go out and celebrate. May I suggest some liver pate, fava beans, and a nice chianti?; 5/28/18, 8:50 AM
mccullough said...: I didn’t know Hopkins has lived in LA since 1974.; 5/28/18, 8:54 AM
Mary Beth said...: The cold, heartless person is the one who asked him about her, knowing that they're estranged. He has the funds to hire someone to keep track of her, but he's not going to admit that, if he does it.; 5/28/18, 8:56 AM
Breezy said...: I thought it was common for broken families to exhibit this sort of parent-child animosity. This just happens to be a parent who is famous. Sad nonetheless that events happened or statements were made that can’t be undone by forgiveness, even in hindsight. I hope they each find a way to forgive the other even if they choose not to mingle ever again.; 5/28/18, 8:57 AM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: I doubt his comments were all that cold from an English perspective, which is where I suppose the was raised. The comments around that judgment there at the Mail break down along those lines as well - depending on the commenter's location in Amereeka vs. a Commonwealth country. Americans have this problem with thinking big huge emotional displays to all the family and friends they space themselves so far away from in this less populous continent are always in order - not that they're very good at them either. The Euros and English respect privacy and autonomy more. If this kid (who's now an old woman herself) thinks she lacks for insufficient parental warmth then she can move to a commune in Northern California and get group hugs every morning from the sun worshippers. Come on. Why would any 80 year old want to subject themselves to the likelihood of constant self-doubt and accusations of inadequacy - all for the sake of even worse ingratitude on the part of whomever's subjecting them to that? I highly doubt that Hopkins was harsh dad. Independent yes, but not harsh. Of course in America the last thing we want in anyone esp. if male is emotional independence.; 5/28/18, 8:58 AM
rcocean said...: Honestly, why is it any of our business?

Like marriages, you never know what's truly going on when families drift apart. Sometimes its easy to see who's to blame, but a lot of time it isn't. Who's lying? Who's telling the truth? What went on behind closed doors?

Anyway, once you get past 30 - at maximum - you're no longer a kid, and your parents shouldn't be expected to treat you like one. Its not his job to pester her daughter and ask her, "please, please, tell me what's going on"; 5/28/18, 9:06 AM
daskol said...: Men can go weird at any age, but the particular way I've seen the most successful older men in my life go weird is they say exactly what's on their mind. I wish Hopkins had done that, instead of responding to the interviewers question.; 5/28/18, 9:12 AM
daskol said...: While I have no judgments about the Duchsess of Sussex, what that reporter did to her father was utterly despicable. But that's what a certain kind of journalist does for a living. Utterly despicable things for the amusement of others: the more despicable the more successful, usually.; 5/28/18, 9:14 AM
daskol said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 5/28/18, 9:18 AM
daskol said...: Hagar, it is not tragedy on that reporter's mind. But the article is indeed revealing of that reporter's mind. Lisa Mcloughlin for MailOnline is not a nice person.; 5/28/18, 9:20 AM
Sally said...: I've been involved in several custody cases where the significant issue was parental alienation. Those kids often could articulate no objective reason why they hated the non-custodial parent so. I don't recall that any of those cases ever resulted in a reconciliation.; 5/28/18, 9:29 AM
Birkel said...: Ritmo,
You left a 't' on the word 'he' one day after making such a big deal about autocorrect.

Catching such things is easy. Easier still is correcting them for the author and fixing them without comment. It is an act of charity.

Care to reconsider? Reconsider in a thread like this one, even? Might be good for your soul.; 5/28/18, 9:33 AM
Dan in Philly said...: As an adult who has an estranged adult daughter, not by my choice, I can certainly say you do move on after a while. You just run out of tears sooner or later. I don't know enough about his particular situation but it sounds like he's open to having her in his life but you can't keep chasing after people who continue to run from you.; 5/28/18, 9:37 AM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: It's good to know you're good for something, Birkel.

Your services are appreciated, and probably worth at least a few cents every week if they continue. Who knows? In time I may promote you to errand delivery boy by the next time I feel hungry for take-out and not in the mood for trudging under overcast cloud cover to pick it up myself. ;-); 5/28/18, 9:43 AM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: I don't know enough about his particular situation but it sounds like he's open to having her in his life but you can't keep chasing after people who continue to run from you.

It's the American relational disorder writ large - described so well by Bill Maher here when asking why stalking and work harassment are frowned upon when the supposedly enlightened females of this country pay so much to see "romantic" movies about sexual domination, persistent pursuit by a boss or basically just persistent pursuit by some other male who hasn't proved that he's done something dramatic and painful enough to "earn" her until the ridiculous finale.; 5/28/18, 9:49 AM
Birkel said...: Any port in a storm? Typing issues, misspellings and autocorrects are poor ports.

The humanity of the comments here is heartening. Everybody is showing sympathy for the human condition. Almost all the hobby horses are abandoned. Good.; 5/28/18, 9:52 AM
Darkisland said...: Blogger Lucien said...

It’s reported that after seeing the mini-series made out of Tinker, Tailor .. John leCarre could only see Alec Guinness as Smiley.

John LeCarre himself says that in one of his autobiographical books. The Pigeon Tunnel maybe?

I agree. Guiness so inhabited the role of Smiley that when I read the books. (Smiley appears in 6-7 of the novels) I can't picture anyone else, either.

The Tinker Tailor miniseries as well as Smiley's People (6 eps) are both available on YouTube. I've watched both dozens of times and they never get old.

Tinker Tailor was originally 7 eps but most of the YouTube versions are a slightly cut down 6 ep version. Both are great but watch the 7 ep version if you can find it.

I never thought I would like LeCarre until I saw the recent Gary Oldham version of Tinker Tailor. I had never read him until then. Now I can't get enough. I've read most of the novels multiple times.

The Night Manager is in a wonderful 6 part series on Amazon Prime.

John Henry

John Henry; 5/28/18, 9:53 AM
Snark said...: I read the first story, and find his subsequent responses don't paper over his initial statements particularly well. They were cold. He was cold. The whole of the story indicates a particular selfishness evident in most absentee parents. They never act as parents so they don't know how parents act, and as such they hold their children to relationship standards more suitable for friends and enemies. In this environment both parents and children fail their respective test and breakdown inevitably occurs. My father, who left before I was four, shares the same birthday as me. For the last two years he hasn't even responded to my birthday notes. I suspect he and Anthony Hopkins would find the world full of similar grievances.; 5/28/18, 9:53 AM
Rance Fasoldt said...: Who knew Inga did the weather? Overwrought about that, like she is about Trump.; 5/28/18, 10:01 AM
Wince said...: As if the estrangement weren't bad enough, Hopkins in that recent portrait at the link looks like Gen. Robert E. Lee.; 5/28/18, 10:12 AM
Michael K said...: The cold, heartless person is the one who asked him about her, knowing that they're estranged.

Yes, this was a setup for some dirt on a celebrity.

King Lear was written a long time ago.

If she must teem,
Create her child of spleen, that it may live
And be a thwart disnatur'd torment to her!
Let it stamp wrinkles in her brow of youth,
With cadent tears fret channels in her cheeks,
Turn all her mother's pains and benefits
To laughter and contempt, that she may feel
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child!

Of course, all three of Lear's daughters turned out to hate him.

I've been lucky that way.; 5/28/18, 10:18 AM
Ralph L said...: John Henry, the original was broadcast in weekly episodes. I saw Tinker several times (probably not always in order), and I still couldn't figure out what was happening.; 5/28/18, 10:20 AM
James Graham said...: "I didn’t know Hopkins has lived in LA since 1974."

And since 2000 he's American.

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2000/apr/13/news2; 5/28/18, 10:53 AM
Earnest Prole said...: As one grows older, there are fewer fucks to be given.; 5/28/18, 10:56 AM
Mary Beth said...: Every time she tries to move on, she sees him — on film posters, on TV, on the sides of buses.

What about when she looks in the mirror?; 5/28/18, 10:58 AM
I Have Misplaced My Pants said...: What about when she looks in the mirror?

I resemble my biological father, whose identity I recently discovered. I was not told that the man I thought was my father was not until I was 35 years old, and I found my actual father this year at 38. My biological father wants nothing to do with me, which he has the right to do, but it still hurts. I hate seeing his features when I look at myself; it just reminds me of his rejection and the pain of being separated through no fault of my own from my entire paternal family.

Family stuff is hard. Even when you're a functional adult with a happy family of your own, it still hurts to be rejected by a parent.; 5/28/18, 12:11 PM
stevew said...: What a strange story this is. The real dick move in this whole thing was done by the reporter asking Hopkins about his daughter. I only know what was reported, which is that his daughter decided she did not want Hopkins in her life. He respected her wishes and is not in contact with her. He doesn't know where she lives, nor any details about her life - because he honored her request to leave her alone. Somehow this makes him and his comments "cold". Then we hear from a friend of the daughter that she cannot escape him because he's an actor that acts and shows up on posters and stuff. We also hear that she is hurt and upset by his comments. But they say she did the estranging.

Weird.

-sw; 5/28/18, 12:29 PM
Michael K said...: For the last two years he hasn't even responded to my birthday notes. I suspect he and Anthony Hopkins would find the world full of similar grievances.

I think it is usually the children who have the grievances.

I have a daughter who doesn't speak to me because I bought her sister a car.; 5/28/18, 12:46 PM
Yancey Ward said...: I am not particularly interested in this episode, but I note that there is no description of the reasons, on either side, for the estrangement. Thus, I see no reason to take sides here, and I suspect I wouldn't take sides even if I have more info, which I don't want to have in any case.; 5/28/18, 12:53 PM
Snark said...: Oh it was cold. The original story had the reporter ask him if his daughter had given him any grandchildren. He said:

"I don't have any idea. People break up. Families split and, you know... get on with your life. People make choices. I don't care one way or the other."

When it is pointed out to him this may sound a bit cold, he said: "Well, it is cold because life is cold.

This is a man who made a decision to leave his first wife and abandon his child and move across an ocean rather than arranging a life where he could be in his daughter's life. There is an inherent selfishness and disconnection in a parent like this that will always limit what the relationship can be. He himself acknowledged being selfish and a poor parent in a 2002 interview with Howard Stern. It's profoundly painful in ways adult children often can't even reach, and it is typically serial hurt and disappointment on one or both sides that creates the gulf. But if you're looking for the person who is most responsible it's a good bet it's going to be the person saying "...[you] get on with your life. I don't care one way or another." That is pretty egregious.

He's apparently been diagnosed with Asperger's. Many things suggest he has profound limits on connecting. Sucks to be his only child, I'm sure.; 5/28/18, 1:05 PM
Yancey Ward said...: Darkisland,

Another Le Carre fan here. I have read most of his novels by this point- certainly all of the ones he wrote before about 2005 or so. I think the last of his novels I read was Our Kind of Traitor, and there are probably one or two even predating that one in the 2000s I haven't read.

Also, the adaptation of The Night Manager was excellent even with all the changes made versus the novel.; 5/28/18, 1:06 PM
reader said...: My sister quit talking to our father at nineteen. She wouldn't have anything to do with him until he died when she was thirty-nine. She wouldn't even say his name. She called him Drop Dead.

I think that level of anger was just as destructive for her as it was meant to be for him. It was sad all the way around. Sad that he deserved it and sad that it controlled so much of her life.; 5/28/18, 2:28 PM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: I have a daughter who doesn't speak to me because I bought her sister a car.

What?

So you're not glad that they're as materialistic as I imagine a guy like you must have taught them to be?

I thought you had good old fashioned, right-wing values, MK.; 5/28/18, 3:06 PM
Bleach Drinkers Curing Coronavirus Together said...: Grudges must run more strongly in some families than in others.

Michael K's a guy who sticks to his convictions, which is a trait that I'm sure is easier than he wished to pass along.; 5/28/18, 3:10 PM
Valentine Smith said...: He's defensive, hence harsher than intended, after all it's nobody's business. The abandoned abandon others and usually themselves in some form or another. He by denying love and she by mistaking having a "career on her own terms" as somehow more fulfilling than forgiveness and a relationship with dad. "I'll show em" spittle drips from the center of much grief in the world.; 5/28/18, 4:02 PM
Lydia said...: About his not caring one way or the other if he's got grandkids -- another article in The Daily Mail nails it:

"Given his dire performance as a father, it is perhaps no bad thing that grandparenthood is one role that has eluded him."; 5/28/18, 4:21 PM
Snark said...: Even his comments after time to reflect are fairly fucked up. There is almost always mistakes on both sides of these situations, but let's be clear on who is saying things like this:

"“You know, I did the best I could, but you know, okay, I think if somebody doesn’t want to be part of my life, fine. Go and do whatever you want,” he told the outlet. “I wish her well and all that, but I don’t want to talk about my daughter. Those things are over.”

Continuing, he told The Times, “I’ve got no blame. People do what they do. And I don’t understand it and it doesn’t bother me. I can’t waste my time worrying about it. And I’m not cold, I’m just thinking, ‘Oh well, that’s the way it is.’ ”

It's not Abigail saying things like this, AFTER gathering thoughts mind you. *Shakes head*; 5/28/18, 4:29 PM
Bob Loblaw said...: No number of movies will make me picture Tom Cruise as Reacher, though.

Cruise is too small and too old to play the part. If you read the books Reacher is always the biggest guy in the room.

That said, the first Reacher film is pretty good. The protagonist just isn't the same guy as the one in the books.; 5/28/18, 7:24 PM
Michael K said...: I was afraid Ritmo would come by to shit on this thread.

Is this some sort of psychological release for him ?

Only the forensic psychiatrists know and I have a low opinion of most of them.

Ritmo seems closest to a profile of a serial killer. Masturbating outside the bedroom window.

Watching what he can never have.; 5/28/18, 9:59 PM
Bad Lieutenant said...: Luke Lea said...
He's ready for Hell (if there is a Hell).

5/28/18, 7:29 AM

You, like me, have no idea what went, or is going, on with them. I've seen things... But, haven't we all? In any case, there's no reaching some people, and that's too bad. The only clear villain here is the reporter.

Ritmo, you're really on a tear lately. Are you OK?; 5/29/18, 6:49 AM
Bad Lieutenant said...: And yeah, I read the above. You two are never going to pull out of your mutual spiral, but for yourself, I would wish you more peace than you seem to have at present.; 5/29/18, 6:51 AM