Althouse: "Eight years ago I found myself screaming, alone and naked, in a woodland. I had inadvertently, accidentally, naively..."

September 6, 2015

"Eight years ago I found myself screaming, alone and naked, in a woodland. I had inadvertently, accidentally, naively..."

"... urinated on a wasps’ nest and the wasps were giving me a damn good telling off about it. I had torn my clothes off. I had to. So intense was their rage, they were stinging and biting the fabric. I had to shake them off every single item of clothing I had. There were thousands of them. Passing hikers came gingerly over, attracted by my screams and eager to help me. I had to shout back 'I’m OK!' to encourage them to back away from seeing my nakedness. I wasn’t ok though. I really wasn’t. For starters, there were wasp stings all over my genitals. Honestly, all over them. Though my testicles looked satisfyingly large I was in a great deal of pain. I was for days...."

From "Wasps may have stung me in the testicles – but I love them anyway/You might expect me to hate wasps after this experience in the woods but, against all the odds, I find that I am becoming their staunchest defender."

30 comments:

William said...: Am I wrong to see this as an anology to Muslim terrorists?; 9/6/15, 10:49 AM
madAsHell said...: Bullshit!!

The bees only attacked his balls!?!? He had to tear off his clothes!?! He doesn't know the difference between wasps, and yellow jackets!?!?; 9/6/15, 10:50 AM
Etienne said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 9/6/15, 10:59 AM
Bayoneteer said...: What is it about Brits and their masochistic sexual obcessions? When they had an empire to run they could direct those impulses toward the Other; modern Brits turn those impulses against themselves.; 9/6/15, 11:10 AM
Nichevo said...: And to whoever asked, I personally have no idea of the differences between wasps, yellow jackets, hornets or whatever. The only thing I know is that bees make honey and apparently the others don't.; 9/6/15, 11:12 AM
Nichevo said...: Yes, William, the wasps are the Muslims and the guy who's thrilled by being eaten alive by them is the people who have somehow climbed the greasy pole to be in charge in the West.; 9/6/15, 11:13 AM
Big Mike said...: I once ran over a yellow jacket nest with my lawn tractor. Little critters put quite a hurting on me. Never occurred to me to take off my clothes, though. I didn't want anyone saying my wife married me for my money.; 9/6/15, 11:19 AM
CatherineM said...: Hate yellow jackets. I was attacked at least twice by a swarm. First time was when this older kid Tommy found a nest in a yard a few houses down and decided to take a bat to the tree branch holding the nest. Suddenly myself, almost 6, and the rest of the yard of small kids started bursting into tears from the sharp pains we were feeling. One of the older kids piggy backed me home and the owner of the yard got a professional nest remover.

In my own yard at about 9 I was launching water rockets with friends and one went on the roof of my garage. I went around and got it, not seeing a nest and came back out to the yard with about 100 on me. I froze and started crying. Terrified. A brave playmate brushed them off me. I got stung about 8 times on my bare legs and arms, but it could have been worse.

I remember my mom trying to lessen my fears by petting a fat bumble bee to show me I don't need to fear them like yellow jackets. . Bumbles are nice.; 9/6/15, 11:19 AM
Bill said...: Though my testicles looked satisfyingly large

Good thing for him and his testicles he wasn't in Japan.; 9/6/15, 11:21 AM
Fernandinande said...: Helpful Household Hint: if chased by wasps, bees, etc, run into the wind if there is any. It slows them down more then you.; 9/6/15, 11:26 AM
richard mcenroe said...: "Wasps may have stung me in the testicles!"

OK.

Worst vintage Men's Magazine cover EVER.

Face it, it's no "Flying Quirrels Ripped My Flesh!; 9/6/15, 11:28 AM
Michelle Dulak Thomson said...: Aaargh. We have at least two nests here, though the front-yard one might be dead now; we sure nuked the hell out of it. The back-yard one we've left alone, so far, though if we ever get to work on that rockery it's gonna be out of there.

I hate yellowjackets. May they all curl up and die. At least the ones near me.; 9/6/15, 11:30 AM
Laslo Spatula said...: "Eight years ago I found myself screaming, alone and naked, in a woodland. I had inadvertently, accidentally, naively..."

I read that and, for a moment, thought it was going to be a story about a girl I may have left in the woods.

Sometimes they get away.

Important: you don't have to untie a woman's wrists just so that she can pee.

I am Laslo.; 9/6/15, 11:34 AM
Laslo Spatula said...: A side-note: I no longer have the van that may or may not have been used in that trip.

The guy who bought it remarked on how spotless clean I left it.

I remember him looking the van over, with the smile of dreams soon to be fulfilled on his face. I think this was due to the lack of windows in the back.

I am Laslo.; 9/6/15, 11:44 AM
Dr.D said...: I'll worry about this later, a whole lot later.; 9/6/15, 11:49 AM
Laslo Spatula said...: I bet nowadays it is a lot easier to lure a girl into a Tiny Home on a Trailer than into the back of a Van.

Times change.

I am Laslo.; 9/6/15, 11:50 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "The bees only attacked his balls!?!? He had to tear off his clothes!?! He doesn't know the difference between wasps, and yellow jackets!?!?

:"Yellow jacket or yellowjacket is the common name in North America for predatory wasps of the genera Vespula and Dolichovespula. Members of these genera are known simply as "wasps" in other English-speaking countries...."

It's in The Guardian — that is, British.

Anyway, it's wrong to call a yellow jacket a "bee"!; 9/6/15, 12:10 PM
mikee said...: In my childhood I once stepped on a yellow jacket nest and found out that I had done so only after half a dozen had attached themselves to my shorts-clad legs and groin.

I never thought of that incident over the year while I did a postdoc at Georgia Tech, but those two incidents in my life have only been linked publicly now, finally, here.

Althouse blog, forcing mental associations of strange and obscure kinds.; 9/6/15, 12:20 PM
Matt said...: "You might expect me to hate wasps after this experience in the woods but, against all the odds, I find that I am becoming their staunchest defender."

Sounds like he has Cockholm Syndrome.

I am not Laslo.; 9/6/15, 12:44 PM
Eric the Fruit Bat said...: There are few things in life more satisfying than returning to the hole in the ground from whence came the yellow jackets that bested you severely only an hour earlier.

This time, however, you are armed with a can of that stuff that shoots 20 feet. $2.50 at Home Depot.

A steady stream straight at the hole and they die as the attempt escape, one after the other, after the other, after the other.

Like flaming Nazis out of a pillbox in Normandy.; 9/6/15, 1:45 PM
Eric the Fruit Bat said...: DIE YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!!!1!11!!!!!!!!!!; 9/6/15, 1:46 PM
Dagwood said...: Guy should have changed the spelling of his name from "Jules" to...; 9/6/15, 1:49 PM
Ann Althouse said...: Matt, LOL.; 9/6/15, 2:26 PM
Ipso Fatso said...: Reminds me of one of my favorite band names of the 1980s: Hornets Stung Victor Mature.; 9/6/15, 3:34 PM
madAsHell said...: Anyway, it's wrong to call a yellow jacket a "bee".

Kings Play Chess On Fine Grain Sand.

There is no bee in the classification of living organisms. A bee is anything that buzzes along.

The British also confuse 7-UP, and limeade.; 9/6/15, 5:43 PM
Unknown said...: "I did a postdoc at Georgia Tech"

Waiting for the Ga Tech angle to come up, I did a PhD there. And was thinking of asking if the article was techaphopic.

A few good Navy ROTC types from GT end up flying Super Hornets.; 9/6/15, 6:20 PM
traditionalguy said...: Georgia Tech's Yellow Jackets are definitely swarming attack mascots.; 9/6/15, 8:43 PM
Gospace said...: Haven't yet angered a wasp nest. I have, however, stripped in the front yard after sitting on a red ant mound. Not fond of any insect that stings or bites.; 9/6/15, 9:31 PM
Paul said...: Years ago, when we owned a horse ranch, I was mowing the pasture and I struck a black faced bumblebees nest. Yep the came for me and stung me good as I ran upwind (upwind is harder for wasp and bees to fly.)

So, after letting them calm down, I loaded my pressure sprayer with diesel and paid them a visit. Killed every one of those suckers.)

And to me, that's the appropriate response.; 9/6/15, 10:56 PM
Quaestor said...: This!
This!
and especially This!

Obama and wife?; 9/7/15, 2:21 AM