1. Her heart broke and our hearts are supposed to be lifted by this story about the response a Florida woman got when she posted those words on Facebook: 40 strangers showed up at her house on that very day — 15 children and 25 adults — and brought presents for the child. And now there's a follow-on media to-do about the child's suffering and his supposed subsequent happiness and the supposed meanness of some people and the charity of others.
2. Is any of this good for the child — as opposed to us, the consumers of media melodrama? Consider that the child is autistic — autistic and 6.
3. Why invite the whole class — 16 kids — to any 6-year-old's birthday party? Either he has friends who care about him or he does not. Inviting everyone is like inviting no one. Nobody feels he is really wanted or special. How would you feel if your 6-year-old child were invited to a birthday party where everyone in the class was invited? You'd probably ask your child if he was friends with the birthday kid, and you wouldn't pressure him to attend just to avert the possibility that you and he would stand accused of insensitivity on Facebook and other media.
4. When I was a child, back in the 1950s, my mother cited what seemed to be a standard rule for the proper number of children a birthday party: the number of guests should equal the age of the child. According to that rule of thumb, there should be 6 guests at a 6 year old's birthday party. Not 16. And certainly not 40. In those days, parents didn't crank children up into a frenzy of excitement, and you also never heard about anyone's being hyperactive or autistic. Maybe the classrooms and homes of America were teeming with undiscovered hyperactivity and autism. I don't know, but I do think we are depriving children of the child-scale environment where they can develop and flourish.
5. Here's a more radical idea: Don't celebrate birthdays!
[B]irthdays are unlike other holidays, for they are times "when all the presents and good wishes are for oneself. The birthday cake, splendid with colored icing and shining candles is a personal tribute. Other holidays lift the heart, but birthdays warm the ego." Is it a good idea for Christians to engage in celebrations that "warm the ego"? Speaking to the proud Pharisees, Jesus warned that "whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
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88 comments:
Pretty standard practice in wee grades to invite the entire class.
"whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
Which brings us back to... Scott Walker.
"Why invite the whole class, 16 kids to any 6-year-old's birthday party?" As I recall, some schools have actually tried to persuade parents that all the children should be invited so nobody feels left out.
The poor kid is a victim of some very inconsiderate adults, a group that unfortunately seems to include his mother.
Lots of schools have rules now that you must invite the entire class to avoid hurt feelings on the part of the uninvited. More unintended consequences.
In my kids' pre-K and elementary schools, if the party invitations are distributed in school, all of the kids in the class must be invited.
In these days of social media, why on earth are invitations distributed at school? In the old days, when it was harder to send invitations, we bought invitation cards and mailed them out.
What is wrong with people? There seems to be sympathy for children, but little capacity (or willingness) to see things from a child's perspective.
"why on earth are invitations distributed at school?"
Why on earth did this turn into a big story? I am suspicious of the whole "Autism" hysteria.
Perhaps she sensed the child had no real friends, and -- by inviting the class -- hoped that at least a few children would show up.
I picture the children of the class pleading to their parents that they didn't want to go to the party for the 'weird kid' and the parents agreed: stay away from the 'weird kid.'
Let them eat cake.
I am Laslo.
What will happen to this child next year? Will the whole community continually rally around him like this and if so why? Is it really for him? Is he ever going to be able to figure out what is happening or is this a big phony show that will be kept up all his life?
Wouldn't it be better to hold off on the chaotic festivities and try to move closer to situations where he has some hope of making a friend? One real friend would be much more valuable than these 40 strangers in the house.
It just seems as much about the mother's feelings as the kid. I suspect there's a lot of backstory missing.
Cute kid, at least in appearance.
but my heart is breaking for my son.
The autistic son, however, is probably glad to not have a bunch of people hanging around his house.
Meade said...
"whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
So it all averages out the same.
Consider that the child is autistic
Because autistic children can't have fun?
and leave it to Meade to find a Walker connection in this post, because Walker Worship Syndrome is always on full throttle at the Althouse blog.
Why do I feel this post is missing a "Bah! Humbug!"
Autism is "other mind blindness".
So, no need to "feel sorry" for the autistic person who you think must be sad and hurt about this turn of events.
Blind to the fact that others have minds and that one needs to put oneself in the place of others, to see things from the other's point of view and thus modify one's own behavior to take that knowledge into account . . . all those things are as unknown to an autistic, as color is to the blind.
The mother is putting herself into her son's place, and imagining how he must feel (as she would feel), being slighted by all his friends.
The boy is feeling no such thing.
This is all about the mother.
The charitable helpers should all contribute together and buy the kid a Complete Makeover. He doesn't need boy toys. He needs what will make him a boy toy: hair styling, shoes, clothes, orthodontic work, cosmetic work on the face, a personal Gymn trainer with free weights, and dance lessons.
Think of Jon Benet Ramsey as a boy.
I was a parent who invited everyone or no one to birthday parties. And I was a parent who tried to show up when invited. If I was her, I wouldn't send out all the invitations next year. Mothers will go to extreme lengths to secure social acceptance for their children. Including a little more cowbell for all issues gay marriage-related.
I was a bit of an outsider when I went to an out-of-town Catholic school in first grade.
I went to a classmate's birthday party and when other boys asked "why did you invite him" the birthday boy said only because his mother was my mother's hair dresser and if I wasn't invited, nobody would be invited.
The odd taste of potato chips and chocolate chips together has always reminded me of that day.
To this day at event where pot-luck "refreshments" are served I'll sometimes eat a few handfuls of potato chips and then a chocolate chip cookie to remind me... before I reach down into my soul and bury my enemies in their own blood.
The rule of thumb in my area is invite the whole group, class, team, or invite less than half.
And if this child is truly of the autistic type that is highly uncomfortable in crowded any chaotic situations, why have a birthday party?
you're no Jesus or child expert, Althouse. and America is too diverse a place for only the philosophy of Jesus to reign.
by the way, the child reacted with disappointment that his classmates weren't coming. step in to his shoes, yourself!!!
I see no problem with inviting the entire class. I'm sure the mom thought there would be reciprocity and her son would have the opportunity to attend other parties. Understandable though perhaps naive.
Mom should have used RSVPs so she would have a head's up and could minimize her child's hurt.
At Randall we had to give valentines to everyone in class. Made sense to me (esp since I would have gotten only a couple otherwise).
Of course, various Christian sects prohibit the celebration of birthdays, Jehovah's Witnesses being the most well-known.
Did the mom really expect or hope for this outpouring of support after she posted what she did, or was she merely hoping for words of support over a situation that obviously pained her?
Autism has a wide spectrum associated with it, by the way. The impact of this fact on the story is hard to fully ascertain when we only have its mere mention.
"And now there's a follow-on media to-do about the child's suffering and his supposed subsequent happiness and the supposed meanness of some people and the charity of others."
I don't think the kid is faking his smile. This is a story about the good side of social media.
SomeoneHasToSayIt said...
Autism is "other mind blindness".
Autism has also become the new way of describing any kid who is the least bit shy or awkward. Unfortunately.
It takes a Village to celebrate a kid's birthday these days.
The mother in this story is seeking validation of her parenting. Nobody shows up = I'm a failure as a Mom.
It seems to me that if she knew her kid, she'd know the kid(s) who are most likely to come to a party.
MadMan- that's what I'm thinking, too. Does she know the other kids, the other parents?
Did she talk to the other parents about whether or not the kids would come to the party?
What kind of advocate is she for her child with challenges? Does she make friends and help him make friends?
When my kids were 6, I knew the classmates, knew their parents, knew the relationships.
I agree with Althouse. Stop engaging in ego-parties for just getting older. Have parties to celebrate real achievements.
Which brings us back to... Scott Walker.
Zing! The Scott Walker media machine in full effect!
If the kid really is autistic, he doesn't even care that he doesn't have any friends, or miss them. It is the Mom's pathologies at play here.
The good thing about being old is that you know for a fact that you will not die young. There is thus more to celebrate in an old person's birthday than in that of a young person. You lived to the age of six. Big deal. Anyone can live to six. Come back when you're ninety. That's something to celebrate......We should stop making a big deal out of kid's birthdays and spread more confetti in the nursing home. I wonder what present this woman bought her grandmother on her grandmother's last birthday before she died. Did she even send that poor woman a birthday card?
Did she talk to the other parents about whether or not the kids would come to the party?
What kind of advocate is she for her child with challenges? Does she make friends and help him make friends?
If I don't know parents, I'm not sending my kid to a bday party at a house. When my oldest was a kindergartner, we had maybe two parties where everyone was invited. They were at a bounce house place.
and leave it to Meade to find a Walker connection in this post, because Walker Worship Syndrome is always on full throttle at the Althouse blog
I think he is trolling people like you who have Walker Derangement Syndrome and it appears to be working.
"This is all about the mother."
Exactly.
Interesting to see the lefties clamoring for more Scott Walker !
More cowbell !
Everyone gets invited if invitations are given out at school (school policy), and invitations are given out at school because nobody knows the names and addresses of the other kids in the class.
You dont send out invites and take your chances. You go and 'sell' the idea to the parents and children. it takes effort. Hard work. Success only comes from effort. Not, leaving things to chance. Some ones parents should have taught these parents that.
I don't think it's a good idea to take advice from a doomsday cult. If those people ever darken my door again, I'm showing up naked, scratching my junk, and tell them what I think of them.
My kid went to a private school, and at least starting in 3rd grade (when they transferred in), whole class parties were common. Even some whole grade parties (maybe 3 classes). They were usually catered, and, I suspect, a way to show off. Or, you just asked a couple of close friends, who would surely come. Not having that type of money, we usually did the latter. But, did meet some rich wives - including the wife of the owner of a famous sports franchise.
I do remember one though, where we went because my kid, and their closest two friends, felt sorry for the kid, and they were the only ones there. The whole class had been asked, but only those three had shown up (and, I think that it was middle school).
Everyone gets invited if invitations are given out at school (school policy), and invitations are given out at school because nobody knows the names and addresses of the other kids in the class.
All the schools in our area have directories for the school or at the very least a class email list.
Wow - slow day in Althouse land...
"Mom should have used RSVPs." Are you kidding? I'm 55, and I've had maybe a 10 percent response rate with RSVP invitations over the course of my adult life. And it's lower for children's parties. I get on the phone and hound people the day before.
I always used the age of child equals number of invitees formula.
Texas Annie is correct about the must-invite-the-whole-class requirement, at least in my TN district; there's never been a caveat regarding how the invitations are distributed. Of course, that's the kind of crap I've always just ignored as being no one's business but mine.
Kindergarten/First Grade birthdays are pretty tricky, as you don't really have a great idea of who their friends actually are yet. We've taken our sprog on overnight trips to places with pools and zoos.
Glad you brought up Scott Walker! Can't get enough of your great governor and his incredible ability to remain focussed despite the constant rain of arrows from the perpetually aggrieved elements.
On birthday parties, autism and schools - the thing that jumps out at me is the fact that school systems are permitted to have ANY say over what happens WRT a private birthday party.
The birthday cake, splendid with colored icing and shining candles is a personal tribute. Other holidays lift the heart, but birthdays warm the ego.
American parents provide the cake for the child's birthday. Later on, as adults, your friends provide cake if you're lucky. In Europe, you provide your own birthday cake on your own damn birthday. Ironically, I think that that's a sign of maturity and self-sufficiency.
I did this one time - planned a party. Out of maybe 10 kids who were invited, I think two kids actually came. Out of those who did not come, only one rsvp'd. One child called the morning of the party to say she could not come - a 7 year old. We celebrated birthdays as a family from then on - dinner, a gift, and their favorite cake (which I baked). No more parties, sorry. It became family night.
In Europe, you provide your own birthday cake on your own damn birthday. Ironically, I think that that's a sign of maturity and self-sufficiency.
If you bring your own cake on your own birthday, everybody gets to enjoy it and compliment you.Plus, If you "free ride" and eat but never celebrate your birthday, you get chastised.
Our family rule when I was growing up was one birthday party at each age divisible by 5. Didn't seem to hurt us.
It would be funny to make an office policy that anyone hosting a party who invites someone from the office must invite everyone from the office.
That would be a good April Fool's Day announcement.
You invite kids who are your child's actual friends or whose families you know. How would someone who doesn't know you know that you didn't invite any actual friends and that they should feel obligated to go?
Freeman, I used to ask my son about the birthday kid. He always knew their social status.
This why we need blogs - so I can understand why the easy stuff, like children's birthdays parties - is now hard.
And I bet Scott Walker knows how to run a children's birthday party better than Hilary does. He'd be great at running the country. On my birthday when I blow out the candles I'm going to wish that Scott Walker becomes President.
When our kids were small, it was considered appropriate to invite the whole class, and to come if invited (barring religious reasons-- Jehovah's Witness, etc.), Not to invite everyone, or not to come if possible, was crassly snobby.
Our town no longer discloses the contact information for parents of the other kids in your child's class, and discourages parents from volunteering or visiting the school (post Sandy Hook security measures). Room mothers receive an email list, which they are supposed to bcc.
If you want to have a party, you are expected to send the invitations to school and invite the class.
The mother may have followed the school's policy by inviting everyone. The other parents may be fed up with the hassle and inconvenience of attending 15 other parties - so when their kid said they didn't play with this boy and the families had never had a play date, they stayed home.
Why assume malice on the part of the other parents? If any given child has, say, a 95% chance of showing up to a party, some kid, somewhere, is going to hit the anti-lottery where each invited child has a funeral/illness/family emergency/prior engagement/etc and no one ends up showing up.
Jesus used good grammar, not like:
"How would you feel if your 6-year-old child were invited to a birthday party where everyone in the class was invited? You'd probably ask your child if he was friends with the birthday kid...," which shows total abuse of the subjunctive mood and improper sequence of tenses.
The passage should read,
"How would you feel if your 6-year-old child were invited to a party where everyone in the class had been invited? You'd probably ask your child if he were friends with the birthday kid...."
Freeman, I used to ask my son about the birthday kid. He always knew their social status.
At six? (Do they have social status at six? Maybe I didn't have any, and that's why I don't remember.)
Usually there is a kid who farts a lot that gladly attends any party given.
Opening presents? Fart.
Eating birthday cake? Fart.
Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey? Trebly excited fart.
What happened to the farting kid?
I am Laslo.
Sixteen kids. If everyone always invited everyone and everyone went to everyone's party, that's up to sixteen weekends a year with birthday parties blocked out of the schedule, most for mere acquaintances. And that's if each family has only one child. Add one, two, or a few more, and families will spend the majority of weekends attending parties for people they hardly know.
If your child has no friends, the solution is to invited family friends, relatives, and/or contact parents directly and talk about how excited your child is about their child coming. If they're receiving your child's invitation as one of sixteen invitations required by school policy with no follow up communication from you, it is little wonder that they do not feel obligated to attend.
I remember going to a birthday party at about that age and spending a good deal of it playing on a slide in the hosting family's backyard because it was too loud in the family's house.
One very annoying thing at that age is how adults are always encouraging you to be in the middle of some noisy throng.
It was a bad idea to put this out on Facebook. Ann, the current custom is to invite the entire class in the younger grades and to have a party with a lot of activities. You rent a venue, such as an arcade, or you have a pool/rented inflatable bouncy room and slide, etc. When I heard this story, I admit I judged the Mom, because she should have picked up on the social cues by now. This ostracism didn't happen overnight, and there is not one thing you can do about it except avoid putting your child into this sort of embarrassing situation.
Mom should have used RSVPs so she would have a head's up and could minimize her child's hurt.
The NYDailyNews article links to the local article:
“From the minute he woke up that day he wanted to know how many minutes until his friends came. None of the kids’ parents RSVP’d, but I was still holding on to the hope that some of them would show up. It never crossed my mind that it would be zero,”his mom, Ashlee Buratti said.
More than once I have heard that people have stopped responding to RSVPs - want to keep their options open until the last minute in case something better comes up. I think this has been since people stopped responding to voice mails.
Our town no longer discloses the contact information for parents of the other kids in your child's class,
My daughter's elementary school had a directory that parents had to provide the information for - if they didn't fill out the form and submit it, no information was published. 5 years ago participation was at least 90%. Last year I was volunteering there and asked to see a directory - some classes had less than 20% participation.
I tried to get the local high school to give me a directory of all of their seventeen-year old girls so I could be sure to give each of them a present on their eighteenth-birthday.
My request was denied, so it is back to hanging out at the mall.
I can afford the necessary trinkets.
I am Laslo.
Our rule was to always invite all the girls in our daughter's class. Worked out fine - cost a bit but there were a lot of kids whose parents never provided parties for friends(which is OK)and some of them never got invited to many other parties (some mothers have a policy - "your kid doesn't come to our party if mine doesn't get invited to yours"). Occasionally my wife and I run into some of those girls (now in high school) and they treat us like royalty. We get a sense of satisfaction knowing that we did what we could to make sure they did not feel excluded on our account.
My advice to potential parents - time your pregnancies so that your kid is born in summer. Then you can invite whoever you want and the other kids aren't going to hear about the party the following Monday.
"Sixteen kids. If everyone always invited everyone and everyone went to everyone's party, that's up to sixteen weekends a year with birthday parties blocked out of the schedule, most for mere acquaintances. And that's if each family has only one child. Add one, two, or a few more, and families will spend the majority of weekends attending parties for people they hardly know."
Freeman, I know parents who spend their weekends this way - along with softball, basketball, and soccer practices and games, dance classes and recitals, and so on and so forth. They are usually parents of girls for some reason. And they wonder why their kids are so poorly behaved - most of the time the kids are just flat-out exhausted. No thanks - not for my kids.
@ Laslo:
I tried to get the local high school to give me a directory of all of their seventeen-year old girls so I could be sure to give each of them a present on their eighteenth-birthday.
My request was denied, so it is back to hanging out at the mall.
You need to move to Wisconsin then.
School choice group seeks personal data on students
State open records law mandates districts release student directory information upon request, unless parents have opted out of the directory or unless districts have passed policies to further restrict release of the data.
Directory information includes information such as students' names, addresses, telephone numbers, date and place of birth, major field of study, height, weight, athletic team participation, awards achieved and schools attended.
Laslo, I bolded the part that might interest you - when you make your request, ask that the girls gymnastics team be sorted out for you.
There are just never enough heroes in the world!
A quick note:
It is a birthday *anniversary* celebration. You only have one birth day. The others in the room looked at us kind of oddly when we sang happy birthday to our kids on the day they were born, but you only get one chance at that.
There are some pretty ignorant comments here about Autism. Autism is a spectrum, ranging from kids who are non-verbal, with all the accompanying problems that entails, to kids who are fully functional and verbal but who have trouble understanding social cues. Think Sheldon Cooper.
I have no idea where the boy in this article falls on the spectrum but to say he would be completely unaware of the snub, were he high functioning, is inaccurate.
Here's another radical idea: Have enough interest in your child to find out who his friends are.
In the Philippines, they actually do call it a birthday anniversary party, when they have one.
I have yet to see any information on why no one came. Did Mom send out the invitations too late? Did the invitations get lost? Was there something else going on in the community that conflicted with the party date? Something just doesn't smell right here..
Of course it's sad that this little boy was crushed that no one came to his birthday party. What is wrong with you people? I know damn well most of you have kids; wouldn't it break you heart to watch your six year old wait and wait and wait for his classmates to come celebrate his birthday and then watch him, crestfallen, realize he wasn't having a party at all?
Who gives a shit how autistic you are guessing him to be; how narcissistic you are guessing his mom to be; what your second guesses are as to the etiquette regarding birthday parties (especially you Althouse--it's been how many years since you had small children?)?
It's a sad story about a sad little boy and people stepped up to try to make him smile again.
What a crabby, judgy crowd you all are being today.
Pants, the thing is, with my kids for their sixth birthday, we knew exactly who was coming because we asked the parents beforehand. We knew the parents, we knew the kids. The women in this article reads as someone who couldn't take the time to do the require preparty planning, and her kid suffered for it, so now she wants to have a pity party instead.
The lack of planning on the mothers part does not engender sympathy in me. I am sorry for the kid...fate has given him a clueless mother.
"It just seems as much about the mother's feelings as the kid. I suspect there's a lot of backstory missing. "
Almost certainly. There's a type of woman who thrives on opportunities to self-dramatize on Facebook. If it hadn't been this it would have been something else. And I bet her emotional vampirism will do more to mess up her kid than the autism ever will.
Some of you don't understand what it means for a kid to be excluded from a classmates birthday party. I understand the rule of invite them all or invite none. My daughter scored a brand new Game Boy from a neighbor girl we had invited to her seventh birthday. I was shocked and called the parents. They said she had never been invited to a birthday party before and they were so thrilled they went oveeboard on the gift giving. The game boy cost over 200.00 going by the enclosed receipt.
Why invite the whole class — 16 kids — to any 6-year-old's birthday party? Either he has friends who care about him or he does not.
At that age life is pretty narrow. Sixteen six-year-old kids isn't a big tab. This way no one is left out.
When my kids were that young, I insisted they invite everyone in their class, lest some poor kid or two were the only ones left out.
I saw my kids get excluded and passed over on some 'popular' kid's invite list, and it is heartbreaking for them.
The Suburban politics start young, and it includes the parents too.
SUBDIVISIONS - "Conform or be cast out!"
These parents, who didn't send their kids to the party, got their comeuppance by this thing hitting the Daily Mail.
Freeman Hunt said...
One very annoying thing at that age is how adults are always encouraging you to be in the middle of some noisy throng.
-------------
Most kids like being with other kids, Freeman.
You sure yours don't, and still share your homeschooling preferences? Most don't, you know.
Better check you're still doing it for them, now that your identity is so invested and all.
If your child has no friends, the solution is to invited family friends, relatives, and/or contact parents directly and talk about how excited your child is about their child coming.
-------
Sounds like an awful lot of parent/adult involvement for a kids birthday party. Let it be for the kids.
(Do adults in your life really need to get dragged into a kiddie party -- which is very different from an adults/family dinner party -- because you don't want the kids to have their fun?
You best not move away from your "support" group in the school years, Freeman. I suspect your boys will have trouble socially w/other kids, if you are this involved in planning their social activities.
Also, yes, they definitely know a "social pecking order" when they are grouped in a classroom. No matter the age. Kids reveal themselves, in their work, play and outside running around. Adult status -- jobs, homes, etc. -- don't factor into this order, it's really based on the kids' actions and behaviors, not who your daddy (or mommy) is...
That's the blessing of American public school education, if the schools are academically good where you're at. (The janitor's kid and the bank president's kid are judged by how they play, score, and get along at school, not on the status things adults value.)
As far as not having a kiddie party, or telling a friend that you mom has the invite list limited to your age and the friend didn't make the "cut" this year...
Ann, you sure are going to have a steep learning curve once you hit the gramma years. That's all.
A couple points--at that age, it's normal to invite all the kids in your class if it's a small class--parents don't want anyone to feel left out. It's when they get older that they limit invitees to just close friends.
Second, this is why E-vites or RSVPs are so useful--better to know ahead of time who will and won't show up. Most of the parents of the invited kids probably assumed someone else would be showing up, so it wouldn't be a big deal if their own kid didn't, and they had no way of knowing that everyone else had the same plan. Next time make sure you know in advance who has committed to showing up, so if it looks like too many no-shows you can invite family or come up with an alternative.
Typically in Elementary the entire class is invited so nobody feels left out. Sometimes it is even a requirement if you send invitations to school. Even if your kid is popular, you'll be lucky if 1/4 show up.
IHMMP: thank you....I thought it was just me.
rigeldog wrote: When I heard this story, I admit I judged the Mom, because she should have picked up on the social cues by now. This ostracism didn't happen overnight, and there is not one thing you can do about it except avoid putting your child into this sort of embarrassing situation
Yeah, so your kid is a social outcast and you pick up on it and realize a big birthday party isn't going to work out. Now what? What if there are also no relatives in town, and you, the parents, don't have friends with similar aged kids to invite over (even assuming that would work, since other family's kids aren't necessarily going to want to come either.)
Many of you are clueless (and fortunate to have not been in this situation.) You do whatever you can think of to arrange situations to help your child function better. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
"One real friend would be much more valuable than these 40 strangers in the house."
Yes, yes, yes, one hundred times yes.
This is an example of preferring appearance over reality.
How timely.
I just received three party invitations in my inbox between yesterday afternoon and this morning for my kindergartner. There's no way we can do all three--it's expensive, time consuming, and I don't really know how well my son knows at least one of the kids.
That's the way it shakes out in real life.
At least the clown, pony, magician and Ferris wheel didn't go to waste.
kzookitty
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