August 30, 2013

And the award for Getting to the High Ground While Ditching Your Spouse Who Got Cancer goes to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

"The Welsh actress, 43, split from [Michael] Douglas, 68, after he claimed that his throat cancer was caused by the HPV virus, which he contracted from giving oral sex. Douglas did not make it clear he was exposed to HPV BEFORE meeting his wife, who felt this was the last straw."

Hey, old man, while you're busy dying of cancer, how about making it clear whose parts you were tonguing at the time you contracted that damned cancer that's screwing up my life too. Huh? Would it be too much trouble?!

I'm dying and you're going to needle me about the precision of speech?! The precision of the speech coming out of my CANCEROUS THROAT??!!!!

This is the last straw!

The last straw? The last straw?! Like there were all those other straws?

As a matter of fact, yes. There's the straw that's the fact that you are 25 year older than me and the straw that's me being so much prettier than you. Especially now that you've got throat cancer.

You monster! You won't look so pretty when the whole world sees what a monster you are.

The world will see one thing and one thing only: You said you got throat cancer from cunnilingus with me.

17 comments:

David said...

I had forgotten all about the throat cancer comment.

Thanks so much for reminding me.

Yuck, and not the funny kind.

roesch/voltaire said...

Ah wagging tongues, young and old,and the tales they spin.

traditionalguy said...

As Machiavelli told the Prince, always appear sweet and nice, but do whatever you have to do.

Rob said...

And to make matters worse, the news breaks during a period when "The View" is on hiatus. How are we to make sense of it all without hearing from the addled harpies?

Michael K said...

This may be the first story to come out of a potential serious issue. A high percentage of young men now have HPV in the oropharynx. HPV causes cervical cancer and there s concern that this will be a new public health problem.

It's not nice to fool mother nature.

Of course, he was dumb to say that but who expects actors to be wise ?

jimbino said...

Marriage nowadays is less about "till death us do part" and more about qualifying for special gummint benefits.

Left Bank of the Charles said...

Did she welsh on her marriage vows?

Or is this just the old you can't leave me now I have cancer ploy?

MikeDC said...

Did she know he had HPV in the first place?

gspencer said...

Looking at these two reminds of any conflict when the warring parties are both Muslim.

Ya want both of them to lose.

cubanbob said...

He just got old, cranky and nasty.

EDH said...

"How am I gonna get a cancer like that eating pussy, mang?"

William said...

Bipolar disorder was formerly diagnosed as moody bitchiness. Sex addiction used to be stigmatized as being the vice of a dirty old man. What a blessing to live in enlightened times with enlightened people.

Alex said...

Another reason not sleep around guys.

Crunchy Frog said...

Both my boys have had the Gardasil shots. This is just one more reason for it.

Sam L. said...

Gee, ya know, I'da thought it would be tongue cancer. I never heard of swallowing during cunnilingus.

Critter said...

i'm doomed.

Krumhorn said...

Does the tongue actually have to reach the cervix?

That gives new perspective about the guys on Lizard Lick.

- Krumhorn