January 5, 2026
"Tech entrepreneur Bryan Johnson — he of the 'don’t die' motto — is particularly obsessed with the ways his penis might help him live forever."
"The data Johnson collects on his johnson includes ejaculate volume (just over a half teaspoon, apparently double the norm), sperm count and motility, and nighttime erection quality, which he then compares with his teenage son. His regimen to keep his penis in tip-top shape includes shockwave therapy and Botox injections. He’s not alone. Dave Asprey, the self-proclaimed father of the biohacking movement and the founder of Bulletproof Coffee, plans to live to 180. He treats his penis to injections of stem cells and acoustic wave therapy. For the latter, he helpfully suggests a DIY version: 'Grab the cock and slap it against your leg on the left 67 times,' he said on his podcast, The Human Upgrade. 'And then on the right… And you lightly slap the balls…The shock waves stimulate the cells. All of those are good for testosterone and good for enhancing what’s called male energy.'"
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63 comments:
Another word for this is "bro science"
Aims to be the first man in history to use his penis to stay OUT of trouble.
>For the latter, he helpfully suggests a DIY version: 'Grab the cock and slap it against your leg on the left 67 times,' he said on his podcast, The Human Upgrade. 'And then on the right… And you lightly slap the balls…<
DIY?? Breathes there a man who wouldn't prefer a helper?
"just over a half teaspoon, apparently double the norm"
Wait a minute! Fast Times at Ridgemont High told me it was "about a gallon."
From Walz to cockz. What a time to be alive.
Upon reading this, there will be a wave of men ejaculating into a teaspoon to see where they stand (5/8 tsp here) and posting it on their social media bios:
Former law clerk for Judge Random Thought; BA from USC, Juris Doctor from Booker T and the MGs School of Law; 1/3 tsp.
First thing I thought of was the jogger Fix who Was very famous even had credit card commercials back in the days before the flood. Then he dropped dead at 42.
To be fair, Jim Fix had a family history of heart disease and early death. But yeah, his death was unfortunate... Johnson is just a straight up weirdo. He gets blood transfusions from his teenage son.
I'm trying to take a sick day but I'm laughing too hard
oh shit that is funny
Grab your cock
slap it to the left
67
67
Grab your cock
slap it to the right
67
67
Summer of Love?
Summer of Love
Summer of Love?
Summer of Love!
67
67
These are just some lyric suggestions. Obviously we would have to set it to the Beatles album that came out that year.
Sgt (whack) Pepper's (whack) Lonely (whack) Hearts (whack) Club (whack) Band.
I'm not the one who'll pay Vanity Fair to read that dreck. Nevertheless I can surmise the jist of it without reading. Of course, the genitalia would be a preoccupation of someone dumb enough to believe there's a fountain of youth out there to be discovered. After all, what's the point of being 500 years old with a 35-year-old face but a 500-year-old johnson?
Don't know if mine'll extend my life, but I like to think it lives on in the minds of a few acquaintances.
James Carville and Mark Kelly were not available for comments.
Asprey = Aspie? So many tech pioneers are somewhere on the spectrum. Or just oddballs: there's a movement afoot against saying that every nutjob is 'on the spectrum,' but there's definitely something strange and obsessive about many tech moguls.
If they couldn't stop talking about having their genitalia turned into different genitalia, Vanity Fair would be down with that.
Dear God.....No.
O! To be young, dumb, and full of cúm forever and ever!
I'll be getting tips on what to do with my "instrument" from Tom Cruise.
Seizing privates, seizing pirates, seizing private property. Do I win?
A life forever shared from a man's penis, delivered from a woman's womb, with a forward-looking investment in our Posterity. It takes a couple to conceive and raise a child.
So Johnson slapping his Johnson upside da head 67 times each way. Shape up or ship out!
Well, that killed my plans to try Blackout Coffee.
I used to slap my penis around...then one day it spat in my eye. Now I just keep it wrapped tightly around my shin.
- Goetz
Is Jeffery Toobin this guy's lawyer?
I hate this guy. And he doesn't really that good for his age.
The last thing I want to live longer for is to have another full time job, and this one sounds like a lot of work, and at what age do you start convincing your son to participate? What if he's really hung, from his mother's side of course?
67 times ...
Laslo? That's your cue.
It is fun to take vanity fair seriously.
This whole thread is just stupid. People are making jokes about the way vanity fair characterized someone else’s words.
Boring. Maybe Ann could go look at the source material and not listen to retards using LLMs to write a clickbait article.
Is this FunnyJunk? IMGUR? Reddit?
67? Are we sure this is not some satirical zoomer joke? six-seven six-seven --\_0_/--
I can understand his enthusiasm as a 48-year-old man wanting to preserve his manhood. But I can’t imagine an 80 year-old man doing that and he’d only be halfway towards his goal.
Make that 90. Maybe he’ll have other measurements at that point.
Can't this guy just go away and beat it?
It must be true, he's a certifiable social media influencer
I do think aging is a solvable problem but it is a tough problem to solve and I don't think it will be solved in the next 50 years and it might not be solvable in the next 150 years for people already born. I hope to be wrong and get to take advantage of anti-aging technology but it is about 99% certain I will die in the next 40 years. I don't think anyone over the age of 50 today will be alive even 75 years from now.
I appreciate a plethora of Althouse posts like this one in case anyone checks my Google search history.
"Uh, just doing research for Althouse comments."
I like this robot voice.
"Low intensity shockwaves are applied to the penis for treatment... it causes mechanical stress and micro-trauma. This mechanical stress and micro-trauma increase blood floooo and create new wessels."
Do your balls hang low
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a ribbon
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
LOL! I remember when Ernest Borgnine was asked for his "secret" for living into his 90s. (I think that's when he was asked...he died at 95.) He said that he masturbated every day. It sounded like he was serious.
This whole thread is just stupid. People are making jokes about the way vanity fair characterized someone else’s words.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtn0pUbMkAo
Bryan Johnson and his like minded confreres make amusing copy. It nevertheless seems quite possible to me that some of his weird initiatives might be effective at extending human life. I doubt that I will live to ever find out.
Weird Al is going to have to update his parody!
They told him, "Don't you ever cum around here"
"Don't wanna see your junk, it better disappear"
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it
You better run, you better do what you can
Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man
You wanna hit 180, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad
Just beat it (beat it), beat it (beat it)
No one wants to be defeated (in a cum measuring contest)
Show them how funky and strong is your fight
Just sixty-seven on left and right
Just beat it (beat it), just beat it (beat it)
Just beat it (beat it), just beat it (beat it, uh)
They're out to get you, better beat while you can
You wanna be a boy, not a limp-dick old man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it (rrr)
You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your balls, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll laugh at your stem shots, then they'll tell you it's fair
So beat it, but you wanna be bad
Just beat it (beat it), beat it (beat it)
&c
Can't wait to see how he spoofs the Eddie guitar solo this time! Or the climactic duel where the two gang leaders tie their...hands?...together....CC, JSM
Without reading other comments - well, this was a fun post, and pretty unexpected. Gentlemen? Any corroboration on the "slap your penis on your leg" thing? How are the jaguars of the state doing?
’He treats his penis to injections of stem cells…’
I don’t even like shots in my arm. Yikes!
Nobody should put such importance on an organ that could be removed by an unfortunate accident or just fall off from an infection from misuse and abuse. Then what?
Of all the organs important to longevity, the penis does not stand tall.
Tmi on all counts
Not many people know it but 1.4 ml is known in the world of science as a "Sploog Unit."
Women have been outliving men for a long time. And they don't have a willie to whack against their legs. Somehow, I doubt if those exotic treatments for the penis are the key to life extension.
I started thinking about Abraham and Sarah and how they were childless until he was 100 and she was 90. This was just as impossible back then as it is now and was seen as a miracle, proof that God can accomplish anything. Patriarchs had unusually long lives. This miracle of potency was maintained. After Sarah died Abraham fathered numerous other children with other women. He lived 175 years. Perhaps Abraham is an inspiration and model for Byran Johnson?
May teh circle be unbroken…
10cc
"And they don't have a willie to whack against their legs."
Bagoh20 reporting for service, Ma’am.
“You can call me Bryan, or you can call me Zion, or you can call me Bry, or you can call me Zi, or you can call me crazy, or you can call me BryZi, or you can call me BZ, or you can call me
or you can call me BJ, but you doesn't hafta call me Johnson!"
Science offers no insight into systems and processes outside of a limited frame of reference from the observer. It is people's faith in the principle of uniformity that elevates science and scientists to divine status.
I refuse to pay any attention to this until they start bragging about slamming it in a door. It's highly comical though, like a new dance craze. We'll call it the Whacky - Jacky.
I noticed you are skeptical. Really? Oh, cum on!
Apologies is some else posted this but:
Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like best
My balls are always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night
AC/DC
My wife watches a lot of these longevity videos on Youtube, but I haven't once heard any of them talk about penises. Maybe she watches those when I'm not around. I'll have to check the Youtube history. As for slapping his penis on his leg, I suspect he's humblebragging. Slapping old man saggy balls, on the other hand...
And
You meet the girl of your dreams
You wine her and dine her
You reach up under her dress
And you’re holding a tree trunk
What do you say?
For a girl that is a great set of balls you got on you?
Andrew Dice Clay on transtesticles
Was Byron Johnson a member of the 60's band, "The Lovin' Spoonful"?
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