James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University, has noticed an unhelpful relationship habit among his clients that he has termed “Sméagol-ing,” based on a character in the film “The Lord of the Rings” who changes “from aggressive Gollum into sniveling Sméagol.”
During a conflict, one person will air a grievance, Dr. Cordova said, “and the other person will respond with: ‘I know, I’m the worst. I’m a terrible partner. I don’t even know why you’re with me.’” Rather than dealing with the problem, Dr. Cordova said, “they just fold, like Sméagol.”...
If you find yourself transforming into Sméagol, practice resisting the urge to cower, take the focus off yourself and address your partner’s concern directly, Dr. Cordova said.
July 2, 2025
Sméagol-ing.
From "The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Heard So Far This Year/These expert tips on how to argue, communicate and grow closer with the people you love could make for stronger bonds" (NYT):
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39 comments:
When I was growing up, we called that sort of sniggling "Being A Pussy."
The Smeagol move is passive aggressive.
Mr. D: exactly.
Good advice all around in article.
It is also a way to say: If I agree with you will you just shut up, go away, and leave me alone.
Especially when you are tired of petty nit picking arguments.
Yess, masster! We swears by the preciouss! Oh yess.
“We are lost, we can never go home.”
Gandalf, “Many that live deserve death, and many who die deserve life. Can you [Frodo] give it to them? Then do not be too quick to deal out death in punishment, for even the very wise cannot see all ends."
Gollum saves Frodo by biting off his finger before Gollum descends into flames and can never go home. Any ring of power is seductive. Including rings of “relationship.” All of them deceived.
Augustinian.
If you find yourself transforming into Sméagol, practice resisting the urge to cower...
Also, resist the Smeagollian urge to sneak up behind them and strangle them with your bare hands.
"The Smeagol move is passive aggressive."
Came here to say just that. I get the feeling this was suggested in the context of a man saying that, when I have only ever heard things like it from women.
If I heard a man say that, I'd probably think he was gay.
I love Samwise. There is good in this world. It is worth fighting for.
"The goal is to end the argument, not win it."
My advice to all young couples.
We all need to Sméagol more. There's too many Gollums in the world.
I must admit to doing this attempt to avoid conflicts. In my past. Not now. Well, not since last night in an argument with my wife. There, now that it is out in the open, let me also admit that arguing with my wife is not easy, as she is always absolutely in the right in her opinions and has all the facts completely on her side, and I have no defense for my incorrect bahavior and actions. And I don't listen to her, ever, which leads me further astray from the true, correct path of life I have failed to follow for oh so many years, in my thoughts and deeds. That, and all my previous failures in the past still exist without any correction of the problems they caused and now each added straw makes the pile on the camel's back that much heavier, as none have ever been nor ever will be removed from the burden borne. That said, my desire to live a happy and well-behaved life now and in the future is incompatible with all past behavior, and I can't be trusted, as any error proves all over again. So she doesn't have to be happy about it, or let me be happy about it, or let us be happy, now or ever in the future. But we live in a 50/50 divorce state, and she has to put up with me. So I have that going for me, which is nice. (This is all made up, in case it is brought up by her lawyer, ever.)
Why Sméagol? Why not Snagglepuss?
There was a cat what knew when to leave!
It’s definitely a sign of disequilibrium in the relationship. The Sméagoller desires to be out of the relationship but lacks the character (courage) to say so. For your sake theirs, forthrightly let the Sméagoller go. Don’t be a Sméagol enabler.
Doesn't Festivus cover this?
"...practice resisting the urge to cower, take the focus off yourself and address your partner’s concern directly..."
Yeah, like FO and die ya fat cow. I gotcha grievance right HERE!
It ain't cowering.
The degree of Sméagolism is directly proportional to the degree of aggression.
So Professor Cordova isn't married, right?
"Well, since you brought it up, it's not the dress that makes you look fat..."
Didn't this used to be called passive aggression?
Many men do this in order to stop an argument. Constant conflict in a marriage is bad. Yet women do this a lot. Men will just agree to stop the verbal and then do what he wants to do . It is a refusal to engage.
Tit for tat is the only winning strategy for repeated interactive games, except for full cooperation. If you don’t have full cooperation with a partner, you are hoping that your tat will inhibit their tit. That is usually not an optimal equilibrium but a series of optimums over discrete time intervals, with the average quality declining. This results in catastrophic failure as quality declines below a minimum sustainable value.
I suppose I could try “Sméagol-ing,” but after fifty years of marriage my wife’s ability to detect sarcasm when laid on thick is simply amazing.
From the musical “Camelot”:
"How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her, simply love her
Merely love her, love her, love her"
For fifty years it has worked like a charm.
I've evolved to the point where at even the hint of an argument, I say "I will never ever submit."
It makes arguing obsolete, so you can get on with life.
Gollum saves Frodo by biting off his finger before Gollum descends into flames and can never go home. Any ring of power is seductive. Including rings of “relationship.” All of them deceived.
Thanks for the spoiler alert! Geez...
I am also somewhat surprised that no one derided the line about it being from the movie. It is from the book!
I also agree about it being passive aggressive. Taylor Swift wrote a song about it too..."I'm the problem, it's me..."
"F**k you!," he said.
" The Sméagoller desires to be out of the relationship but lacks the character (courage) to say so."
Not necessarily. Some things just aren't worth arguing about or even bringing up as a topic of discussion. After 35 years of marriage, you learn to pick your battles and what is important.
That goes for both parties. Know what is important to address......and when to just let it go. Is it really a big deal that once in a while your partner does something small and annoying....leave it be. Don't bother bringing the topic up in the first place. Is it a big and ongoing problem that they never really acknowledge or try to correct...then yes. Have an adult conversation and discuss it.
I wonder if a couple could agree at the beginning of a relationship to never ever have an argument and pull it off. Just skip straight to the makeup sex.
Smeagol killed Deagol.
I suppose so, but it's not exactly news. Was it the "é" that made this worthy of notice in "the paper of record"?
Iman said...
Why Sméagol? Why not Snagglepuss?
My favorite argument gambit is "Fudgie the Whale."
We did that. Turns out everything is my fault.
Lazarus said: My favorite argument gambit is "Fudgie the Whale.""
Fudgie the Whale uses exactly the same mold as Cookie Puss. No lie.
I prefer the Trumpian approach to marital conflicts. Ridiculous name calling, threats of financial ruin, lawsuits, and an occasional social media post where I threaten her business life.
She smeagols back in response.
Just don't tell her this is what I said.
Does Sméagoling cover luring your significant other into dark caverns so that s/he can be eaten by Shelob?
Asking for a friend.
explain that you have NO IDEA of ANY THING about Sméagol..
without saying you have NO IDEA of ANY THING about Sméagol
I assume, that they're thinking about Slinker and Stinker?
But, they should really TRY reading the books.
Boy do I hate Smeagoling! My husband is the best man on the planet but every now and then he has used this tactic. Not only does it take actual mutual respectful discussion off the table, but I think it subtly implies that I am overbearing. I am pretty easy going and try not to nag so this seems doubly unfair to me.
“After acquiring the Ring, Sméagol’s increasingly erratic behavior (e.g., sneaking, stealing) leads to his banishment from his community. This rejection compounds his trauma [from having murdered his cousin], severing social ties and reinforcing his descent into isolation.” His sniveling, cowering behavior in his relationship with Frodo reflects these pitiable personality changes
See “Cluster B personality disorders” in DSM-5
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