Althouse: "Today, parents still have obligations to their children. But it seems the children’s duties have become optional."

May 30, 2025

"Today, parents still have obligations to their children. But it seems the children’s duties have become optional."

"'With parents and adult children today, the adult child feels like, "If you failed me in your responsibility as a parent" — in ways, of course, that are increasingly hard to define— "then I owe you nothing as an adult child,"' says [psychologist Joshua] Coleman. Which means that it now often seems like having a child entails an enormous amount of financial, emotional and spiritual investment, with a hovering possibility that your children will cut contact with you after they reach young adulthood and the increasing likelihood that they will hold you responsible — not only for their suffering and struggles but even for your decision to bring them into the misery-inducing world in the first place.

Writes Michal Leibowitz, in "Why Millennials Dread Having Babies" (NYT).

28 comments:

n.n said...: DEIsm, redistributive change, ACLU, gender derisions, kleptocracy, political congruence, labor arbitrage, differential prosecution, lowered expectations, the war on men and women, progressive prices, and selective-child syndrome.; 5/30/25, 1:51 PM
n.n said...: Fear and loathing.; 5/30/25, 2:01 PM
PM said...: Selfie-absorbed.; 5/30/25, 2:04 PM
RideSpaceMountain said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 5/30/25, 2:07 PM
RideSpaceMountain said...: Scott Alexander just posted a review of Bryan Caplan's "Selfish Reasons To Have More Kids"
, and it was quite good. The stats were revealing. Highly recommend, especially if you're a Gen-Xillenial like me.; 5/30/25, 2:08 PM
Leland said...: I suspect that was the point of various school administrations. Oh, and be sure to sign up with the alumni association, become a donor, and vote Democrat! It takes a village.; 5/30/25, 2:21 PM
West TX Intermediate Crude said...: The author (Leibowitz) describes herself as having been raised in an Orthodox Jewish family, developed anorexia, and saw her first therapist at age 14.
This is within a standard deviation of the typical NYT reader. Its relevance to an average person living in the USA is too small to measure.
I grew up in a NYT-reading family, my mother still subscribes. Nevertheless, my spouse and I have children, and our children have children (a lot of them by contemporary standards).
Life goes on, and will go on, for people outside the NYT bubble.; 5/30/25, 2:32 PM
J L Oliver said...: But your genes go marching on!; 5/30/25, 2:32 PM
Josephbleau said...: If I knew my kid was going to be a crappy person like the author I never would have wanted her around either. Fortunately that did not turn out to be the case for my kids.; 5/30/25, 3:13 PM
Josephbleau said...: How are the teachers unions going to provide donations to democrats without new kids? I know, illegal immigration!; 5/30/25, 3:15 PM
WhoKnew said...: This calls for a new tag, perhaps, "ungrateful little bastards"; 5/30/25, 3:19 PM
rehajm said...: I’ve always theorized human reproductive cycles, as with other animals, ebb and flow as the species level, so for humans what feels like an individual decision is driven more by the needs of the population. In that light humans as a population are recognizing we don’t need more humans raised my millennials.; 5/30/25, 3:55 PM
tim maguire said...: Like when the lefty media targets young adults with op-eds encouraging them to cut off contact with their parents if those parents have different political views?

How often does that actually happen?; 5/30/25, 4:08 PM
tcrosse said...: Mel Brooks, as the 2000 year old man, said "I have over 42000 children. And not one of them comes to visit me."; 5/30/25, 4:09 PM
mccullough said...: Blaming your parents is Boomerish; 5/30/25, 4:13 PM
Assistant Village Idiot said...: The NYT and the rest of the chattering classes have all sorts of post hoc, just-so stories about decreasing fertility, none of which explain more than a few percent of the decision making. What we see here is "We don't know if this is actually true, but wouldn't it be cool and fun to talk about if it were?"

It is like the artists of various sorts who "want to start a conversation" about...whatever. "Can analysis be worthwhile?" "Is the theater really dead." Don't give them your conversation.; 5/30/25, 5:24 PM
Dude1394 said...: Ease don’t have kids democrats.; 5/30/25, 7:16 PM
Ampersand said...: So much of our social structure has become anachronistic because sex and reproduction are untethered, death in childbirth is rare, paternity is no longer dubious, physical strength is optional, and male ferocity is mostly useless. Children are not assets. They are massive liabilities. Relativism rules. What's the point of anything beyond hedonism?

This can't go on forever.; 5/30/25, 7:40 PM
Pianoman said...: As predicted by Kurt Vonnegut Jr, in his short story, "The Big Space F*ck". In the story, children commonly sue their parents for the way they were raised.; 5/30/25, 8:10 PM
Skeptical Voter said...: Being a Dad and a Mom is a job--and you need to be there when your kids are young. If you screw up, they'll definitely screw up. If you do the job right and the best you can, the kids may still screw up. Play the parental hand you got. But play it to the best of your ability.; 5/30/25, 9:01 PM
mikee said...: "I owe you nothing," hence the long term popularity of the 5th Commandment, especially among the elderly.; 5/30/25, 11:10 PM
Oso Negro said...: Maybe the available Millenial pussy just isn’t that compelling to Millenial men.; 5/30/25, 11:18 PM
Scott Gustafson said...: Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. A commandment with a promise.; 5/30/25, 11:25 PM
Jamie said...: Like when the lefty media targets young adults with op-eds encouraging them to cut off contact with their parents if those parents have different political views?

How often does that actually happen?

Well, anecdotally, my brother- and sister-in-law have cut off her parents for their (presumed) vote. (They've cut us off too, but you specified 'parents.'); 5/30/25, 11:33 PM
Jamie said...: Skeptical Voter @9:01pm, totally agree about parenting being a job. But to think you're going to just decide to "do it right" and that's the solution - that strikes me as -sorry - on the arrogant side. We do our best. We think about our parents and other parents we know and what we believe they did well and less well; we try to amplify the former and do less of the latter. And still we must all recognize that children, in the end, are human beings with agency.

Our three are (thankfully) thriving, not without bumps (some of them threatening to take out the axle) on the way, and they come to us for advice and they like us as well as loving us. They're employed, responsible with money and in relationships, and forward-thinking. I'm calling it a win, but (because I'm a mom) always on tenterhooks.; 5/30/25, 11:40 PM
Disparity of Cult said...: "Calling My Children Home"
Emmylou Harris

Those lives were mine to love and cherish
To guard and guide along life's way
Oh God, forbid that one should perish
That one alas should go astray.

Back in the years with all together
Around the place we'd romp and play
So lonely now and oft times wonder
Oh, will they come back home some day.

I'm lonesome for my precious children
They live so far away
Oh, may they hear my calling, calling
And come back home some day.

I gave my all for my dear children
Their problems still with love, I share
I'd brave life's storm, defy the tempest
To bring them home from anywhere.

I lived my life, my love I gave them
To guide them through this world of strife
I hope and pray we'll live together
In that great glad here after life.

I'm lonesome for my precious children
They live so far away
Oh, may they hear my calling, calling
And come back home some day...; 5/30/25, 11:42 PM
Christopher B said...: @AVI, I hear you and agree from the side of the equation where people are looking for 'this one trick' as a fertility solution. The accumulation of many small changes could still be a valid explanation, however.

It's mostly true that children have become more liability than asset as Ampersand details. We've also been working hard at making intact biological family seem optional for a lot of years, starting with no-fault divorce and expanding through the valorization of single motherhood to the encouragement to 'make your family' if you don't like the one you were born into. While in individual cases it's not bad, and is probably generally good to leave toxic relationships behind, it does give people the license to define the merely annoying as toxic and act accordingly.; 5/31/25, 5:25 AM
Cappy said...: Liberals don't have kids. Problem solved.; 5/31/25, 8:32 AM