"He was initially okay with it, but he has read the handful of things I’ve published since we started dating and has changed his mind. I never say anything that reflects poorly on him or that I think he would find embarrassing; usually, if anything, I am self-deprecating. Before this relationship, I dated someone else for more than five years and wrote about that relationship freely with his blessing. I actually think part of what my current boyfriend is uncomfortable about is the implied comparison between that relationship and this one. My writing life will be quite a bit more difficult if I can’t write from life anymore. And he has already said no not just to articles that focus on our relationship, but also to ones that mention him in even a cursory way. It is an understandable request, but I can’t shake
the feeling that it’s controlling and sabotaging, hopefully unintentionally."
Are you supposed to support your partner by accepting that you are a topic to be written about — raw material? It's an old problem. I've been there... on both sides.
But what's funny here is the writer's unwillingness to see
herself as the user.
She's the one being
controlled and sabotaged. Ironically, that's another reason why you wouldn't want this person writing about you. She's biased in favor of herself. She even claims the mantle "self-deprecating" while deprecating him.
The WaPo advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, tells the writer to "trust your gut" and not ignore "the feeling that it’s controlling and sabotaging." Does the boyfriend use "it" pronouns? I'm joking. I know she's just inattentively depersonalizing the man and talking about the abstraction of his request not to be written about.
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My advice to the boyfriend - RUN!!!!
I used to read Hax years ago, before paywalls. Back then, I believe she would have made your sensible point. I wonder if her answer would be different now if the sexes had been reversed--and if she's the same person.
More evidence to support my observation that women writers are immanent— tend to write about themselves and their own experiences— whereas male authors tend to be more transcendent— creating characters and themes outside of personal experience. I don’t like chick lit. Plus, these days, it’s all kiss and tell. Really it’s not ok. One prominent exception to this rule is Prince Harry with his ghastly chick lit tell all Spare. But then, Harry neither qualifies as a writer nor a man.
He is sabotaging her. Good writers write about what they know. They all mine their personal lives for material. If he's not ok with his partner writing about him, then he shouldn't be dating a writer. The sooner this relationship ends, the better for both of them.
(I wouldn't be comfortable either, but I wouldn't forbid it. I just wouldn't read the pieces where she talked about me.)
Its an advice column meaning its fake, just like the Penthouse letters
The real test is whether she writes as though he's a part of her life or as a prop in her life. And if she doesn't know the difference, she shouldn't be a writer. Because he'll know the difference.
In my life I have never known any woman who didn't have this innate desire to broadcast their personal business to anybody willing to hear or see it. Sociologically, the reason is pretty well known: talking about their lives is how women establish a social pecking order. Creating the environment for comparison, praise, pity, or redemption isn't about those things in themselves, rather it's to get everyone talking about her. It's the attention. Always the attention, and about who gets what kind and how much.
This navel-gazing letter is a perfect example.
"I never say anything that reflects poorly on him or that I think he would find embarrassing."
This may be a one movie, two audiences issue.
How many couples have had the, "Why did you say that? You made me look a fool".
When the partner responds, that was not my intent.... you are being overly sensitive..."?
I'm recalling a show on MTV called Awkward. On one episode, the uptight character named Tamara (pronounced ta-MA-ra) was having sex problems with her songwriter boyfriend, because she could never relax enough for him to satisfy her. He wrote a song called "Tomorrow Never Comes," and she got upset: "He Taylor-Swifted me!"
My read on this is that the boyfriend is starting to have enough of that relationship and he's preparing to jettison. This is an attempt to clean up his social CV and stop anymore info- good or bad- from being put out there that is not from him.
I'd ask my wife's opinion on this but she's not talking to me anymore.
"I’ve written freelance articles for years, drawing mostly on my life experience."
Reggie: That's good writing.
Dickie: I was trying to capture the spirit of the thing.
Isn't Carolyn Hax the one who divorced her husband (a cartoonist who still collaborates with her, proving that simping is a thing) and then immediately got knocked up with twins?
Gator is correct.
Some relationships won't work. Time for a parting of the ways.
Some people suffer from a lack of creative imagination, well, they only suffer from it if they also suffer from the delusion that they should be a writer. If I were willing to betray confidences, I could write some great stuff, a la Truman Capote in that series about "the Swans." People have told me stuff that I wouldn't even write about if I found six ways from Sunday to protect their identity, because they would know where the idea came from. I did write a novel based on one of my friends, but it was more me imagining how their life might be in different circumstances, and no actual events from their life was included, just abstractions of their circumstances. I suppose that they could have figured it out, if it were published, it was actually probably pretty flattering, but nobody else would have.
This clearly demonstrates a lack of maturity. It is all about "me". This is NOT a woman issue per se but in my experience is seen more often in women than men. She is always the victim and the hero. No empathy for his opinion or feelings.
All of their relationship issues will be spilled to the world and always from her perspective. He will always be the cause of all issues and the source of all problems.
As others have said, he should run.
It could be considerably worse. Lena Dunham's relationship updates made me feel more empathy for Jewish men than October 7th. I guess she decided passive-aggressive wasn't getting the job done.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/03/30/dog-or-jewish-boyfriend-a-quiz
A woman who makes money writing asking another woman who makes money writing if there is a problem with a man who makes it harder to make money writing. It would be surprising and impressive if the advice was anything different than the one given.
Wonder how old this free-lancer is. Seems like there is a reason her life is a series of "relationships" and not marriage.
I actually think part of what my current boyfriend is uncomfortable about is the implied comparison between that relationship and this one.
Typical of an all too common type of female — something doesn’t go 100% her way then there must be something wrong with the guy, and for a reason that reflects poorly on him. Couldn’t possibly be her fault in the slightest!
I agree with tommyesq. The boyfriend should waste no time getting out; this woman is not good partner material. Even if she’s an absolute goddess in the bedroom, he needs a female life partner who respects him.
"I’ve written freelance articles for years, drawing mostly on my life experience.... ... I never say anything that reflects poorly on him or that I think he would find embarrassing; usually, if anything, I am self-deprecating"
Yeah, like the self-depreciation screaming from this missive. Bullshit.
"My boyfriend of eight months has requested that I not write about him anymore."
That didn't come from nowhere, as her whining about his wanting privacy shows.
I repeat tommyesq's advice - Run, dude, run. Make it quick and make it utterly complete.
Ann:
From the distance of the decades, how does it now feel to have at least one novel written about you?
I could write a novel about my friend Tiff, but I'd need to get closer to her.
Assuming this letter is authentic- the "boyfriend" needs to get out of that relationship ASAP.
Hax? Aren't they all?
I am glad, Ann, that you keep a good deal of your life, and Meads, private. It lets me view your posts more objectively.
Where did the name Hax come from? The frequent and enthusiastic use of an axe?
Its an advice column meaning its fake, just like the Penthouse letters
WHAT? Those were fake?
Eight months is a hockey season. The season is over and the boyfriend is gone.
Narr said...
Hax? Aren't they all?
I was going to say; there has never been a more perfectly named newspaper columnist.
Reminds me of Karl Ove Knuaugarsd. Became famous writing about his life and those close to him. In the last volume of My Struggle (this is from memory) he details the reactions of those written about when he sent them the manuscripts. His uncle replied with an email headed "I have been raped." His wife entered an asylum for a period.
"My advice to the boyfriend - RUN!!!!"
And then she can really write about him.
"In the last volume of My Struggle..."
Mein Kampf?
The BF should sue the GF for palimony. If her writing ever makes money he should get half.
"Its an advice column meaning its fake, just like the Penthouse letters
WHAT? Those were fake?"
"Well if they aren't fake then there's an extremely large number of people HAVING SEX WITH AMPUTEES!" - George Costanza
This isnt rocket surgery. In an intimate relationship, there will be confidences exchanged. If he is (rightly) concerned that those confidences are being published, he will stop giving them. Result: dead relationship.
It's why I am wary of telling any women anything private. Too many are overt or crypto-gossips.
She makes it sound as though she will be unable to write if she has to edit out any references to the boyfriend, which makes me think she's not an especially talented writer if she can't find a way to do that successfuly. It also sounds like she might be kind of fixated on the guy, which could be why he wants her to stop. Too much too soon, she's too needy. Lighten up already.
"I never say anything that reflects poorly on him or that I think he would find embarrassing."
The fact that she isn't showing him anything that she's written about him BEFORE she send it is in a clear explanation of why he doesn't want her writing about him any more.
My writing life will be quite a bit more difficult if I can’t write from life anymore.
So, you're basically saying that your writing is another more than large Facebook posts. That's your first hint that your writing sucks
As for Penthouse Letters, it has been scientifically proven that fictional pRon has the same effect on the male nervous system as factual pRon.
i've been reading Althouse for nearly as long as Mead's been married to her;
and she's wrote about him a LOT.. BUT, i have NO IDEA:
how well he satisfies her in the sack..
how well endowed he is..
what they fight about...
how they kiss and make up..
This lady that wrote to Hax.. Whose BF don't like her talking about him..
do you think that i'd be ignorant about these things IF i read HER?
Also, how other does this lady (not Althouse) compare new BF's bed skills with old BF's?
Protip: guys don't really enjoy being compared to other guys.
i just finished listening to Eve Babitz's Slow Days, Fast Company: The World, The Flesh, and L.A
which was WONDERFUL.. Except that, being a female writer.. WAY LOTS of it was about current and former men.
When she sticks to LA (or Bakersfield*) she is ALMOST as good as Raymond Chandler.
Eve DOES have the decency to use alias' for all the people.
Bakersfield* Eve makes Bakersfield seem AWESOME! I want to build a time machine and go there in 1968
Excellent point from Oligonicella, noting that the writer says she NEVER writes anything critical or embarrassing about her boyfriend but what the hell is this letter then? Pretty good evidence that her definition of critical/embarrassing isn't spot-on.
In any case, it's a simple answer: BOUNDARIES. There are comedians who never include their spouses in the routine, or their kids, even though that's Stand-Up 101 basics.
"My writing life will be quite a bit more difficult if I can’t write from life anymore."
That's only so if your life is so wrapped up with your partner's that there isn't much left outside of that worth considering.
If that's the case, it's another good reason for the guy to hit the road.
Some people just don't understand that concepts of privacy vary widely from person to person, and for a variety of reasons.
It wouldn't matter to me if the person I was dating wrote nothing but positive things about me and our relationship. I'd still say, "I'm asking you to leave me out of your articles, your social media posts, your blog, all of it. And if that's not do-able ... well, it was fun while it lasted."
And while I recognize the truth of what several people have said -- yes, it's true to both stereotypes and real life that it's the woman who wants to use the man as article-fodder -- there are some women, like me, who immediately side with whoever wants his/her privacy protected. Dump her and run, dude!
And then she can really write about him.. [Emphasis in the original]
@Althouse, what a great reason for a guy to remain in a relationship — if you leave she will write all sort of bullshit about you.
"the writer's unwillingness to see herself as the user . . . She's biased in favor of herself."
Gentlemen! Remember the hot/crazy/writer matrix!
By the way, I appreciate Althouse's own old-fashioned tact about personal matters.
"My writing life will be quite a bit more difficult if I can’t write from life anymore boyfriend is her whole life? Codependent on a professional level.
My advice... there's so much more to life. Find some.
My friend has written a thinly fictionalized account of her relationship with me, going into detail about something I'm embarrassed about and would prefer not to disclose.
Someone who knows both of us read it. She's never indicated that she recognized me in the story. Obviously I'm not going to bring up the subject. Whether my secret is out will remain a mystery.
I asked the woman who wrote the story not to use my life as material. She was dismissive. Said she had changed some details and anyway all writers do this.
We're still friends, but I'm pretty pissed off.
It should be expected that people want to control their immediate personal space, including their reputation. The girlfriend has issues with the boyfriend wanting to control one of the inputs to his reputation?
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