Word that doesn't appear in the article: "helicopter."
February 9, 2024
"Nine in 10 parents rate their relationships with their young adult children as good or excellent, and so do eight in 10 young adults."
"Rather than feeling worried or disappointed about how things are going in their children’s lives, eight in 10 parents say they feel proud and hopeful. 'These parents, who are Gen X, are more willing to say, "Hey, this is good, I like these people, they’re interesting, they’re fun to be with,"' said Karen L. Fingerman, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin who studies adults’ relationships with their families. As for the adult children, she said, 'You get advice from a 50-year-old with life experience who is incredibly invested in you and your success.'... In previous research, parents often expressed ambivalence about their continued involvement in their adult children’s lives. But the Pew study suggests that has changed, Professor Fingerman said, perhaps a sign they have come to embrace it."
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22 comments:
What? Positive vibes??? That's not a good thing for the social media Click Bait narrative.
What's the impact of people marrying older and marrying less?
Parents will more likely be friends and confidants to young adults when those adults have no alternative.
My parents had 9 children. It was a good day when they could remember all our names.
Families are much smaller than they used to be, enabling parents to invest far more into individual children. I have 1 child, a 15 year old. She'll be in college in a few years and, while I look forward to being able to travel in September and not worry about making sure there's a vegetarian option at every meal, I can't imagine ever having the occasional relationship with her that I had with my parents starting the moment I moved out of their house.
Well, I think a lot of Gen X parents, first, aren't helicopters and, second, are forging a kind of relationship that we didn't have with our pre-boomer parents.
I'm solidly Gen X and was emphatically not helicopter-y. I do, however, enjoy a great relationship with all four of our young adult kids. They are far-flung, living interesting lives, and we check in pretty often, have long phone calls and lots of texting. Actually, typing that, I realize that the little texts throughout the day are a huge communication change from my young adult years. I will randomly get a funny picture, or I'll run into one of their old friends, or just something small will happen and one of us will share. It keeps a lively, loving relationship without helicoptering at all.
Parents Are Highly Involved in Their Adult Children’s Lives
As the world becomes more screwed up, we have to be.
Do the words "mental health" appear anywhere in the article?
Word that doesn't appear in the article: "helicopter."
How about the word "privilege"?
Texting a couple times a week doesn't seem like helicopter parenting at all.
The other word that I'm guessing doesn't appear in the article is 'independent'. Not looking to pay to enter the Times site, I cannot read the article. But, I'm thinking that kids whose every moment is filled up, scheduled, planned by their parents are going to grow up depending on those parents for the rest of their lives. Calling every day. Reaching out whenever they're feeling a little down, or unsure. Not that that's bad. It's just needy. I see a generation of needy kids who- yes- love the company of their parents, but even more need the reassurance of their parents presence. And the parents get to focus on their kids as they get older, giving them countless excuses to not have to participate in their own lives. "I can't this weekend. I have to meet my kid for ____." Also reassuring the parent that they still have purpose.
Maybe I'm being too hard. Or maybe I've seen enough of this from people I know to recognize it. Anyway...I'm sure there's a fine line between hanging out and building that much needed independence. They will need it someday.
Well, I think a lot of Gen X parents, first, aren't helicopters and, second, are forging a kind of relationship that we didn't have with our pre-boomer parents.
This sounds like a very healthy relationship and from my observation is not at all unique. Media focus tends to be on the dysfunctional.
I'm 75, with kids in their 50s and grandkids on their own -- I totally concur.
But I'm *also* the single-father of a 12 yo daughter, deeply loved by her much-older brothers as well as by her "nieces" [aka my granddaughters]. They all take a fervent interest in her well-being, and I in theirs. That's normal in my family. I was quite close with my parents, and *their* parents, but also close with my children, and on both counts I differ greatly from my Boomer colleagues in that regard.
My parents were teens in the '20s. Because of the previous Depression and the War, even though they were grade-school sweethearts they married in their 30s. I'm the oldest, and my parents were consequently some 15 years older than those of my age-mates. What a difference that made, all of it positive.
I hope the return to closer families, such as (now) four generations of mine, spreads ad endures.
Our two kids were reared with respect and increasing amounts of independence. The oldest asked If I would come along with him to buy is first car. But not for my checkbook. Just support. So that's what I did. We had already told the kids in high school, we would attempt to only offer advice when asked for, unless a heavy financial risk was at hand, or serious mental or physical harm presents to us. That has worked well for 20+ years. They often share whats going on in their lives, we support them, otherwise keep advice to ourselves unless asked. Just yesterday I spent an hour on the phone with one wrestling with a perfect job offer, except for the commute taking away a lot of family time. I just listened, and told her we support her decision. She didn't ask for advice so I only expressed support.
But, This is they way both I and my better half had with our parents. Enjoy being around them, but we each have our own friends. We don't confuse the relationships.
You’re supposed to raise the kids and spoil the grandkids.
Raising the kids includes making sure they know how to be autonomous self-sufficient adults with their own lives.
And spoiling the grandkids is nice, but the Noni-nini relationship is inherently more limited and secondary to the parent-child one.
In most societies, parents remain highly involved in their adult children's lives until they die, because they literally live in the same house or in the same compound. Likewise, children are highly involved in caring for their parents in their old age.
The American obsession with being totally independent of one's parents is unhealthy for many. It's much more family-friendly for parents of young children to have grandparents nearby, it's better for young children to have a variety of different caregivers so they can learn to be flexible; it's better for the aging parents to be in contact with their children and their children's children so they have people who can help move furniture or install the modem, etc.
Does the word “snowplow” appear? Because that’s the new word I’m hearing to describe parents who clear the path for their adult children.
When I was a freshman in college, the only means of communication I had with my parents, who were 5 hours away, was through letters, or using the one public pay phone on the floor of the dorm I lived in.
When our kids got old enough, we sent each of them to a camp for a month each summer, from which they could exchange letters with us (and get "care packages"), but weren't allowed to call us unless there was some major emergency.
We now see all of them regularly and exchange texts and phone calls, but learning to live without parental presence is an important part of growing up.
Literally five minutes ago, my roommate's 3 year old just referred to her mom as an "old kid."
We're in our sixties, our big-city friends all have children in their 20s - 30s, and it seems everyone is still deeply involved in "parenting" their adult children, whether supplemental financial support, mental health monitoring, and/or career management.
Seems every unmarried college-grad adult-daughter is still significantly subsidized, sometimes significantly so, to provide upper-middle class "champagne" lifestyle even if their "laptop content" jobs would warrant strict budgeting.
Seems many unmarried college-grad adult-sons are still drifting, whether in their career-choices, or lack thereof, or their romantic lives, or lack thereof. Quite a few of this young men are literally still in the basement playing video games.
Seems "adult-independence" for many young adults has been suspended until their late 30s, just short of turning 40.
I have offspring over 30 years of age. They are independent adults. The wife and I raised them to become interesting and good people, to the best of our abilities. I am happy to have cordial relationships with them because they are interesting and good people. With my sociopathic sibling, I still have only minimal contact, now going on almost 50 years. Family is one thing, freely associating in relationships is quite another thing.
“Seems every unmarried college-grad adult-daughter is still significantly subsidized, sometimes significantly so, to provide upper-middle class "champagne" lifestyle even if their "laptop content" jobs would warrant strict budgeting.
Seems many unmarried college-grad adult-sons are still drifting, whether in their career-choices, or lack thereof, or their romantic lives, or lack thereof. Quite a few of this young men are literally still in the basement playing video games.”
What’s described here is true of three of my nieces and two of my nephews. All in their ‘30’s. I (silently) find it baffling and wonder how their parents don’t find it tragic. I had a false career-start after college but quickly restarted. I’m grateful there was no one there offering to subsidize a soft slide into stasis.
So GenX parents and their kids have the same kind of positive relationships that parents had with their kids for .... um, all of human history until the the second half of the twentieth century in America?
Inasmuch as a large cohort of "young adult children" still live with their parents it's easy to understand the "study's" conclusions.
I guess it depends on what one means by "intensely involved." Our kids love us AND they like us. They like spending time with us, and we try to stay in close-enough enough touch with them to have a good idea of how their lives are going---what's important to them, what they think of current events, any struggles they care to share, etc.
They live in other cities and we don't talk every day there are frequent visits back and forth. We text everyday things and funny memes. It's absolutely wonderful and an unexpected blessing.
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