January 24, 2023

Things that must be done "within one yard of a woman."

I'm reading "'Must be within one yard of a woman': Proud Boys trial reveals group’s strict 'no wanks' rules/The group's official handbook places strict conditions on masturbation, testimony reveals" (Salon).

Here's the text of the rule: "A Proud Boy may not ejaculate alone more often than once every thirty days. That means he must abstain from pornography during that time and if he needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman with her consent. The woman may not be a prostitute."

69 comments:

Gusty Winds said...

That's just weird.

Think I'd rather be a poor boy.

Dave Begley said...

Calling Laslo.

Lem Former Twitter Aficionado said...

I thought "one yard of a woman" had something to do with transness.

Ice Nine said...

Chastity rules are always pretty weird, aren't they.

There are worse rules.

Narayanan said...

did FBI collect any potted plants from THE CAPITOL PREMISES for evidence to impeach/disqualify PROUDNESS capability?

asking for Harvey Weinstein!

Saint Croix said...

ha ha ha

"Why am I wearing a leather suit?"

"I need inspiration, baby."

"What's with the sock?"

"Keeping it clean, keeping it clean."

"And what are we doing with the yardstick?"

"I'm trying to focus, damn it!"

CT Ginger said...

So, if he’s a jogger and keep up…

Saint Croix said...

Things that must be done "within one yard of a woman."

Sounds like a Jeopardy category to me.

Cunnilingus!

Saint Croix said...

I'm nailing this category.

Breast-feeding!

gilbar said...

how big is this 'yard'?
Are we talking city yards? suburban yards? or country yards?

Tom T. said...

"Sir, this is a Wendy's."

Saint Croix said...

Compliments about her perfume!

Saint Croix said...

fornication!

fuck I almost forgot about fornication

Saint Croix said...

birth!

I am kicking this category's ass

RideSpaceMountain said...

21st century social distancing. Gave them 6 feet but we'll take a yard.

tim maguire said...

It's a weird way of putting it, but it's not crazy at all. Lots of groups frown on masturbation. The Proud Boys will allow self-pleasure in the context of sex and in case of desperation, but that's it. Compared to the Catholic Church, they're pretty liberal.

Saint Croix said...

Unborn baby kicking

john said...

Can the 1 yard rule be waived if you have the scent?

madAsHell said...

What a bunch of BULLSHIT.

The Proud Boys Handbook??? What's next Proud Boy uniforms??

Earnest Prole said...

The rule goes on to state that Proud Boys are not even allowed to have Zoom calls with their wives as "a way around the one-yard rule."

“Wives”? Don’t they mean “beards”?

Mark said...

Good that the leftists are following this clown show because NO ONE on the right is. And these are the guys that the leftists would have everyone believe are a threat to democracy and civilization itself.

PM said...

Instead of a one yard - why not one rod? Would've at least shown some wit.

effinayright said...

Are they worrying about going blind?

john said...

No more fooling around. Women weaken legs.

GRW3 said...

One of the leaders of the Proud Boys is Gavin McGuiness (sp?). I saw him a lot on Greg Gutfeld's old Red Eye program and he's crazy, at best. He portrayed various characters on the show but now I'm wondering if, rather than characters, they were personalities.

stlcdr said...

Presumably, this whole farce is an SNL skit. Please.

Michael K said...

These poor weirdos are being held up as an example of "White Supremacy." Franz Kafka would feel right at home with this stuff.

Yancey Ward said...

No wonder there aren't enough of them to overthrow the government.

Chuck said...

madAsHell said...
What a bunch of BULLSHIT.

The Proud Boys Handbook??? What's next Proud Boy uniforms??


https://www.topic.com/decoding-the-language-of-extremist-clothing

Saint Croix said...

Menstruation!

Menopause!

I would be so damn rich on this Jeopardy episode. My competitors would be trying to articulate what a woman is. I'm buzzing quick while they're trying to tiptoe through the PC minefield.

I just ran the board on you, you academic punks!

That thing women do when they poke you or pinch you or nudge you so you don't say the shit you want to say!

(I'm guessing that answer would not be on the board, but that doesn't make it wrong).

Share your popcorn!

re Pete said...

"I love to see you dress before the mirror

Won’t you let me in your room one time ’fore I finally disappear?"

Kate said...

hawt

Ampersand said...

The Proud Boys seem to exist in order to provide a moral justification for left wing paramilitary violence.
It would be interesting to know precisely how many people were members of the Proud Boys, and the percentage of the members who were government agents or informers. According to Wikipedia, "Reports estimate membership between several hundred up to 6,000." This in a country of 340 million people.
By contrast, Wikipedia's highly sympathetic article on Antifa (e.g., multiple mentions of Antifa's relatively low dangerousness vis a vis white supremacist groups) does not even provide an estimate of the number of people who are part of Antifa. I've seen a few Antifa-affiliated events here in southern California. Lots of young men with cell phones and radios on the fringes, organizing things. There is funding coming from someone or somewhere.

rhhardin said...

Virtue has gotten difficult to define.

Wince said...

"Here's the text of the rule: A Proud Boy may not ejaculate alone ...if he needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman with her consent."

There, a specific rule against incel-erection.

Interested Bystander said...

Salon? I didn't get past the headlines. Ugh.

Interested Bystander said...

Salon? I didn't get past the headlines. Ugh.

Temujin said...

I was scared the first time I had sex. I was all alone.

Bada-bing! Thank you, thanks. We'll be here all week.

Seriously, if you're thinking about joining a club, and they hand you rules about how you are allowed to masturbate, you should probably think about the joys of remaining independent.

Owen said...

Do they give out merit badges?

Lurker21 said...

I don't know how weird the Proud Boys are, but people who like to make up rules for organizations are quite strange.

Woodrow Wilson, for example, who never saw an organization he didn't want to write a constitution for.

Don't trust anybody who knows Robert's Rules of Order too well.

alanc709 said...

Now do Antifa

Owen said...

Lurker21@12:36: "...people who like to make up rules for organizations are quite strange."

Add Thomas Jefferson to the list...Jon Meacham's biography does a wonderful job of showing this very complicated individual.

Old and slow said...

Thank God we have Chuck here again to help us decode things. I thought he was asked to please fuck right off. Has that been rescinded?

Yancey Ward said...

Chuck, right now, is wearing his Bulwark matching tee and cargo pants.

Rabel said...

"if he needs to ejaculate it must be within one yard of a woman with her consent"

That's the Louis CK addendum.

gilbar said...

meanwhile, back in China..
https://chinadigitaltimes.net/2021/05/translation-the-hundred-childless-days/
Thirty years ago, Guan County, Shandong Province launched the “Hundred Childless Days” campaign under the aegis of national family planning, known in the West as the “one-child policy.” The birthplace of the “Boxers” was deemed to have too high a birth rate by the provincial government. County officials sought to correct this by ensuring that not a single baby was born between May 1 and August 10, 1991.
In what some locals called “the slaughter of the lambs,” women across Guan County were rounded up for forced abortions or induction of labor; one local official claims that these “procedures” were sometimes no more than a kick in the stomach from an out-of-town mercenary. Children who did make it into the world were reportedly strangled, and their bodies tossed into open pits. The families of pregnant women were publicly shamed in reprises of the Cultural Revolution.

Or, should i have said; Coming Soon, to a Country Near You

Sebastian said...

"Seriously, if you're thinking about joining a club, and they hand you rules about how you are allowed to masturbate, you should probably think about the joys of remaining independent."

Maybe so. On the other hand, the desire to belong is also very great.

WK said...

Was Louis CK a Proud Boy?

n.n said...

Meanwhile, Antifa resumes their fascist insurrections, and SS BLM profits under DIE with George "fentanyl" Floyd syndrome.

JAORE said...

Is there a loophole for the non-binary?

Pauligon59 said...

So how do we know this is the real official proud boys rule book? Can't trust what any of the media say anymore so why trust this?

Clyde said...

Didn't they learn anything from Louis C.K.?

Jim at said...

Don't come any closer or I'll shoot.

Mike (MJB Wolf) said...

"Too many rules" indeed! That there are idiots who actually think this would attract a large number of "followers" is only surpassed in stupidity by the FBI trying gaslight America into thinking this group wields any power or poses any threat. That the hostess's sources live up to their reputation for fluff over substance is obvious, as is the juxtaposition with actual violence waged against actual government agents by actual domestic terrorists (although not so designated by that same clownish FBI) in Atlanta this week. Good eye, Althouse.

Narr said...

Aww, come on ma!

What if I face away?

Joe Smith said...

What if you're on metric?

Those 3 inches can make a difference.

That's what she said...

robother said...

"Is that a yardstick in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Jason said...

Based.

mikemtgy said...

Maybe they are just really well hung! GRIN

Rocco said...

madAsHell said...
The Proud Boys Handbook??? What's next Proud Boy uniforms??

Chuck responded...
https://www.topic.com/decoding-the-language-of-extremist-clothing

Rocco chimes in:
Chuck, ya missed one: https://babylonbee.com/news/7-easy-ways-to-spot-a-fed

Saint Croix said...

Now do Antifa

Now do Seinfeld!

Saint Croix said...

George, Kramer, and Jerry are all Proud Boys.

But there's a problem...

George: "Listen, Elaine. Just listen."

Elaine: "I'm not doing it!"

Jerry: "It's a loophole. We've measured it and everything. You're in the middle bathroom stall. I'm on the left. George is on the right."

Kramer: "What about me?!"

Jerry: "You'll have to wait."

Kramer reacts with frustration.

George: "It's so simple, Elaine. You're in one bathroom stall, listening to your iPod and reading a magazine."

Elaine: "Uh-huh."

George: "And I'll be in the next bathroom stall."

Jerry: "One yard away."

George: "Right. And Jerry will be in the bathroom stall on the other side of your bathroom stall."

Jerry: "One yard away."

Kramer: "Maybe we should draw a picture. So she understands."

George: "No pictures! No pictures."

Elaine: "And you're not going to the bathroom?"

Jerry: "No."

George: "Nope."

Kramer: "Not even a little."

Elaine: "I don't understand why I'm in the middle bathroom stall. Why do I need to be there?"

Jerry: "Well, we're in a club. And it's a silly initiation."

Kramer: "Very silly."

Elaine: "You're going to do something bad?"

Jerry: "It's not bad."

George: "Not even a little bad."

Jerry: "I'd say it's good."

Kramer: "Very good."

George: "Not very good. It's not very good."

Jerry: "It's good."

Kramer: "Quite good."

Elaine: "Whatever it is, I'm not participating."

George: "Come on, Elaine!"

Kramer slaps the table in frustration.

Kramer: "I am not a proud boy."

Penguins loose said...

Does the Proud Boy Handbook endorse the Bill Cosby method for distancing?

mikee said...

Quoting Kramer from Seinfeld: "I'm out!"

Rit said...

Does self-identifying as a Proud Girl right at the moment of ejaculation give them a pass?

Jay Quenel said...

Just to keep it straight, the Proud Boys are the white supremacists with the Afro-Cuban felon FBI informer leader?

William said...

The rules seem so patently absurd that I suspect either fraud or an elaborate put-on. Why not insist that wanking only be done in the presence of the American Flag and while facing the Washington Monument? Such rules would make us all better and prouder Americans.

Joe Bar said...

Gavin Mcinnes created the Proud Boys as a joke. Like many of his jokes, it went too far.

The initiation to the group consists of a beat-down by other members while the prospective member recites the names of breakfast cereals.

Narr said...

"Why not insist that wanking only be done in the presence of the American Flag and while facing the Washington Monument?"

I do that already.