The illustration is a whole bunch of hearts, so it's safe to say the season of Valentine's Day articles is upon us. Like Thanksgiving — with its articles about the difficulties of sitting through a dinner with your family — Valentine's Day articles these days are probably going to be negative. You think that's love? Think again. You think you want love? No, you don't.
January 17, 2022
"It may seem sweet that your new mate wants to spend all of their time with you. But more often, it’s a red flag..."
"The person may be a narcissist trying to isolate you from the other connections in your life as a way of exerting control.... [I]n cases of love bombing, attention flows in a single direction: One person tries to become the other’s whole world.
Dr. Raghavan said that people who have been love bombed often feel as though they’ve lost their sense of self, which can take a long time to rebuild.
'You lose the sense of who you are because little things are being managed for you and these little things can be anything from how you dress to how you present yourself... But it can also be the kind of jokes you’re allowed to tell in public or the kind of woman that he wants you to be.'"
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33 comments:
In case you were wondering...
"or the kind of woman that he wants you to be"
More Toxic Masculinity. Thank goodness these people are out there helping society with their diagnoses. Can you feel the healing?
There are lots of other reasons a man might to this, but they might lead you to be more sympathetic to the male sex, so let's ignore them, and maybe blow up a lot of potentially good relationships in the long run!
But somebody should warn all of the female cardinals that their loving mate is just 'mate guarding' and cloaca blocking her out of selfish regard for his own genes.
Will be countered by the "Your New Mate Telling You To Spend MOre Time With Your Friends, He Is Probably Cheating On You!"
The person may be a narcissist trying to isolate you from the other connections in your life as a way of exerting control....One person tries to become the other’s whole world....You lose the sense of who you are because little things are being managed for you
Sounds EXACTLY like what "experts" have become in the Age of COVID (and climate change, gender issues, urban planning, etc.).
Experts are why we can't have nice things.
The person may be a narcissist trying to isolate you from the other connections in your life as a way of exerting control.
That topic comes up more and more with COVID and quarantining. It has some validity, but consider that some people are more social than others. If you fall into the unsociable category, are you necessarily a narcissist? If you are in the social category, does that necessarily mean that you aren't a narcissist?
[I]n cases of love bombing, attention flows in a single direction
It's probably just me, but I lean more towards the "everybody is messed up" school than the "you are okay, but your partner is clinically insane" school. The good thing about our post-Seinfeld, post-Woody Allen world, is realizing that everybody is fucked up, so as Owen Wilson said in some movie or other. "Let your freak flag fly." If you want to pop all the balloons and put the chocolate in the trash, that's okay too.
Plus, I wonder if the Sixies people are okay with outsiders adopting their "wargasm" talk and adapting it to romantic relationship chat. Lyndon Johnson or Curtis Lemay (or Bill Ayers) may have been a love bomber. The stranger beside you will have to be called something else.
Or maybe you are the narcissist. You think it is your mate wanting to spend time away from you that is keeping you from connecting to others. Nah, if that's the case, then you can't blame others for your problems and that would limit your narcissism.
Wait, so you're saying Anthony Fauci doesn't really love me?
Want to know how to keep your girlfriend locked up in the apartment with you for a good long time- fake COVID antigen tests that always read positive.
Geez. It's so hard to understand why these people have so little sex.
"He". Always "he".
Because apparently no woman has ever "love bombed" a man.
And because if a woman wants to change and control a man, that's obviously "for the good".
Right?
I want the Victoria's Secrets models to love bomb me.
Does that make me a bad person?
I think there will be bunch of articles on "Can I Love a Republican?" The social divide is still widening in Milwaukee. Here we have a spice entrepreneur named Penzey who is running a "Republicans are Racist" spice special this week. The idea is that the spices offered would not be acceptable to Republicans ([China] cinnamon, [Mexican] oregano, [Now] curry) because they in some way suggest other races than white. Hurry, offer ends January 19. If you want to see this offer you go to https://www.wisconsinrightnow.com/2022/01/14/penzeys-spices-republicans/ and go down the story to the Facebook link to Penzeys and click the other link from there because you can't get to this hidden email directly [https://t.co/1V1YXzSDqU]. Then you can access the email Penzey sent out to his chosen market of tolerants. Here's a part of Pensey's uplifting, heart warming set of thoughts:
"So many great things about our spices and seasonings. One of those great things is that pretty much every one of them, by virtue of where they are grown, who they are picked by, or by the cultures of the foods they ultimately go on to season, cheeses off racists. And where normally cheesing off racists is something we throw in for free with the purchase of any of our spices, in honor of the life of Dr. King, this extended weekend we are throwing in an extra cheesing off of an up-to-$12.95 value 1/2-cup jar free with any $10 purchase."
You get the picture. You try to sit down to a Valentine's Day dinner with your loved one. Suddenly a shrill cry of alarm rends the candlelight - "You used Mexican oregano; you are trying to poison my purity." And the Republican rushes off into the night. Be Warned: this is what happens if an anti-racist and a Republican form any emotional tie or sentimental ties. [Notice, I have universalized this tragic vignette by avoiding any pronouns, even "fox."]
Leland said...
Or maybe you are the narcissist.
No, this is targeted towards women and women can't be narcissists.
If you allow a guy to dictate every aspect of your life, maybe you just have a type.
Don’t narcissists deserve love too, though? Are the narcissists supposed to just sit around at home feeling lonely? Er, lonely and narcissistic I guess.
The use of "could" or "may" in this type of article often signals the article is vacuous.
To deflate these articles, I substitute "may or may not" for "may", so verbiage like
"Grand romantic gestures [may be] a sign you’re dating a narcissist" becomes "Grand romantic gestures may or may not be a sign you’re dating a narcissist", which produces a reaction of "Duh".
To be fair, though, the article then claims to tell you how to tell one from the other, which would actually be helpful.
I have a friend who was in a relationship with a psychiatrist. (That was the first red flag for me,). This man had been divorced three times. My friend is a widow. Anyway, he would call her every hour between patients. I asked her if she thought that his constant calling was annoying and she told me that she liked the attention. So, I guess two narcissists found each other. He was very rude to her friends and it was obvious that he was trying to alienate them so she wouldn’t have contact with friends.. Anyway, all of her friends hated this guy and finally she realized that he was controlling and obnoxious and ended the relationship. I wonder how she was blinded to the fact that this psychiatrist had mental health issues when all the rest of us could see his behavior wasn’t normal. I think some people just cannot be alone. I’d rather be alone than dealing with a Fatal Attraction scenario.
I seem to recall that the Penzey's guy has a sister who is a decent person, who has her own spice company, that sells the same stuff to everyone, even Republicans.
https://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/bill-penzey-spices-trump/
The Spice House.
And of course the Penzey's guy inherited the business.
Everyone's ex is a gaslighting narcissist these days.
It's an easy way to evade responsibility for making adult relationship choices. Just admit you made a mistake or it didn't work out.
If I were to take this seriously, I'd think women can't be trusted to make their own decisions. They are too easily influenced and manipulated.
Gaslighting doesn't exist. Your romantic partner doesn't control reality. If you prioritize your romantic relationships over your personal integrity, that's your fault. Learn to say no. Break up when necessary.
Finally, real narcissists are totally obvious to everyone, including themselves. If you can't spot one you are pretty dumb. There's a one question test that's 85% effective at identifying narcissists. The question is, "Are you a narcissist?"
Women can be narcissists. Just google "Meghan Markle narcissist." Or start reading the Daily Mail online.
Was shopping for a nice card for my wife. Cannot remember Valentines, Birthday, or anniversary.
Anyway, pretty young woman was stocking shelves.
Claimed I forgot my glasses and asked her to read the romantic cards to me.
Try it. It will brighten your day,and hers (or his) I guarantee it.
My favorite NYT take on romance was earlier this week when an advice column advised a mother to pay her daughter's married boyfriend's way on a family vacation to Greece. Ha ha ha Never change, NYT, never change.
What amazes me is that, despite the classic signs of a controlling narcissistic in a relationship being very commonly known by now in all levels of society, women are still falling for this.
Being one-way love-bombed is just creepy and it always made me run for the nearest exit.
Once I met my husband we love-bombed the daylights out of each other and it was glorious.
Not usually a problem if you follow the regulations requiring permission slips from your parents, clergyman, work supervisor and the other Interested Party in the relationship. Go by the book and you'll have an approved relationship and no regrets. [OSHA 12784-88]
"Gaslighting doesn't exist. Your romantic partner doesn't control reality. If you prioritize your romantic relationships over your personal integrity, that's your fault."
Yes, gaslighting doesn't exist, it's all your fault for being weak and mentally unstable. Better to let me make all of the decisions.
Yeah, there is a whole school of clickbait articles that are merely contrarian about something most people like. I used to be that guy - and then I turned 20.
Gerda Sprinchorn said...
The use of "could" or "may" in this type of article often signals the article is vacuous.
I'd say "always", not "often", but other than that you're completely correct.
Add in "can" and "might".
I'm more of a lust bomber.
How often are these problems the signs of clinical narcissism and how often are they just things couples work out as they go ... or don't work out as they go?
NotWhoIUsedtoBe said...
Gaslighting doesn't exist. Your romantic partner doesn't control reality.
******************
That's like saying propaganda and fake news do't exist. Your government and news media don't control reality.
But ....they can TRY. THAT's the entire point!
sheesh
Great anecdote FullMoon.
I'm going to assume you made it up because it's too perfect.
Love bombing may be a sign he's a narcissist.
It's also entirely possible it's a sign he's on Tik Tok.
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