December 12, 2019

"... I feel really sad when I think about how I am not a wanted person. I don’t think people know the depth of it."

"... I am a pretty rational person. I am constantly observing and learning about the world around me. I come across as sharp, mature, and I think unfazed by most things. I am not outwardly emotional, and actually friends would describe me as a chatty, sardonic, smartass.... But there is an underlying romantic in me that drives me crazy. I watch everyone else get to connect, and I just get to sit there watching, offering my analysis, telling people who should text who, indulging in gossip about secret trysts. That’s my role. I just want to be in the thick of it — messy, young, and stupid. I want to turn my brain off and go for it, but I just can’t. What makes me doubly sad is that the feeling of physical unwantedness mixes in with a more general feeling of unwantedness. Maybe people would like to connect to me more if I could just shut up? If I didn’t pick apart every little thing going on to later analyze it? If I was less of a mouthy smartass?"

From "‘I’ve Never Had Sex, and I Feel Like I Never Will’" — a letter to the New York Magazine advice columnist.

From the answer:
The second you quiet down and honor yourself by treating yourself like the ultimate DECIDER in the picture, you will find a pile of drooling men collecting around your ankles.... The only weapon you need is a sense of your own agency and a willingness to be proclaimed a fucking weirdo by a douchebag who disguised himself as a nice dude just to get into your pants. When a grabby douche calls you a weirdo, that’s a badge of honor, a shiny accolade to be treasured henceforth. You are a true hero who just caused an insecure dweeby dipshit to second-guess himself for a millisecond. His ferocity is a direct reflection of how infrequently the world asks him to examine the contents of his own startlingly empty brain.

So show up and be your sardonic self, but dare to feel your way forward without too many words... Quiet presence is the hottest thing in the universe....
So.... the answer to "Maybe people would like to connect to me more if I could just shut up?" is yes?!

80 comments:

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

Advise from a hard-up Meerkat.

Bill Peschel said...

It seems like she spends too much time in her own head and talking and not listening.

This is assuming she looks presentable, too, which she doesn't tell us. I'm not saying she has to be a 10, but at least put together. Not like the ally sheedy character in breakfast club.

Darrell said...

And maybe drop 150 pounds. . .

mccullough said...

Good to see college boys have gotten better at identifying and avoiding fucked up chicks.

traditionalguy said...

Bold and aggressive wins try outs. But forever planning and judging others slows down the happenings. Now, go out their and re-produce.

buwaya said...

I assume she has the normal good looks of a very young woman, being in college.

I find it hard to believe no young fellows have made a pass at her, no matter how much she talks or how sarcastic her manner. These aren't substantial obstacles, if she is physically present to be made a pass at.

Perhaps she simply isnt looking where there are sufficient young men to go around, vis-a-vis her female competitors. Maybe she needs a change of venue.

PB said...

There are businesses and sole proprietorships that cater to the writer's particular need. They advertise, too.

Bay Area Guy said...

She needs to get drunk more often and lighten up.

LordSomber said...

"She does not tell us how she dresses or presents herself to the male gaze. She only tells us that she is a mouthy smartass, a woman who talks too much and who uses her words to throw up a miasma that tells men to keep away. Or else, that presents men with a challenge. We recall the character of Kate in Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. She might not have been to every man’s taste, but still, the right man can have an interesting interaction with her."

http://stuartschneiderman.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-last-virgin-on-campus.html

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

Kids are making sex into a fucking dumpster fire of a disaster these days. I feel so sorry for all of them.

gg6 said...

Sometimes I truly miss the good ol' days when an asshole was simply an asshole and the world would move right on by. But, yeah, in todays world "Shut up" will have to suffice.

MadisonMan said...

A long-winded question, and an even longer-winded answer. What a waste of time that was.

Kevin said...

Assuming the original question is from a female, which I will because that is the only type of being for whom continued involuntary virginity is an outlier, then the first thing that comes to mind as a possible issue is not her manner of speaking nor her state of mind but what she looks like.

Which neither the question nor the answer seems to address at all.

J. Farmer said...

Who do you like? You like the people that like you.

readering said...

Final year of University? Must be British. Too long to read rest.

The Cracker Emcee Refulgent said...

"It seems like she spends too much time in her own head and talking and not listening."

The culture, any culture, is always going to drive a small number of it's occupants batshit. Sounds like she's on her way.

AustinRoth said...

This seems like one of those old letters to Ann Landers (updated for today) written by frat boys in a ploy to get her to publish them.

Or just totally made up by this columnist for clicks.

gilbar said...

so....
She signs herself: Touch Me But Don’t Touch Me
and says...
I have intimacy issues,
I want to turn my brain off and go for it, but I just can’t.
I know that if someone even tried it with me, I’d run away!


AND, she says she has daddy issues...
I had intimate knowledge of one of my parent’s affairs that lasted a very long time.


Wake UP sheepeople!
she's NOT saying she doesn't get offers, she's Saying she can't/WON'T accept those offers
WHY did her 'one kiss' not make it to extra bases? ummmm because she RAN AWAY???

Here's what this lady needs to do.
GO TO CHURCH*
Go to Church, and tell them when she walks through the door that:
She's NOT a believer, but "wants to hear what they have to say"
(trust me, churches can NOT resist that line, it's like Catnip to them

While at Church, she can be continuously hit on, by super polite guys, that she won't find attractive (most likely). For her defense, all she has to do is say:
"I think that would be a sin"

a few weeks of being politely hit on, by men that she won't find interesting, should do WONDERS for her self esteem. Then she can just stop going...

OR who knows? Maybe (just MAYBE!) she'd find out
that GOD loves her Just the way she is
that Maybe (just MAYBE) those unattractive Christians aren't so unattractive after all
that being a skanky slut ho is Not the BE ALL and END ALL that her old 'friends' made her think


CHURCH* a good conservative church would work Most Best, but Any Church would do, including AA**

AA* Yes, Alcoholics Anonymous is a church, didn't you know that?

Laslo Spatula said...

Her next step is to complain to the incels how no man will have sex with her.

I am Laslo.

gilbar said...

We recall the character of Kate in Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew.

while i've never Actually Seen Shakespeare's remake of 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU,
The Fact of the Matter IS:
Julia Stiles is WAY hotter than Larisa Oleynik
And WHO Wouldn't want a girl, that would flash her titties to get you out of detention?

Yancey Ward said...

The response by Polly was almost completely incoherent. I found the letter itself kind of interesting linguistically- the young lady is the product of divorce caused by infidelity, but try figuring out which parent was which. Additionally, I couldn't quite figure out what the young lady actually wants.

I would be willing to wager that young men have shown interest in her, but she just hasn't noticed it, or maybe discouraged it if she did. I am guy who in his teens and twenties was pretty damned clueless when it came to noticing that women were interested in me- and it wasn't the case that I wouldn't have been interested in them, it is just that my interest was often directed everywhere else- a kind of tunnel vision that baffles me today when I think about it.

Automatic_Wing said...

I'm never gonna score!

The Cracker Emcee Refulgent said...

"I don't think people know the depth of it"

Said every manic depressive ever. The reply is so far off base it's hilarious.

gilbar said...

Yancy said...
I would be willing to wager that young men have shown interest in her, but she just hasn't noticed it, or maybe discouraged it if she did


She EXPLICITLY STATES that she ACTIVELY DISCOURAGES IT
She's is NOT complaining that guys don't offer, she's complaining that she won't accept

n.n said...

Shut up, yes. Also, "a willingness to be proclaimed a fucking weirdo" and let them grab you by your pussy. The second rule of social liberal club.

Gospace said...

News: If you're a female and you sit in a waterfront bar until closing, you can get laid. Known fact. Doesn't matter what you like like. How big you are. The only qualifications being 1: female 2: willing.

Can't be too picky about the male partners that are left at closing.... which is where the 2: willing comes in.

Lament of many a sailor - I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I've sure woken up with some.

TheOne Who Is Not Obeyed said...

The advice columnist is quite the sexist twat, isn't they?

tim maguire said...

The advice for her is very similar to the advice for incels. There is someone for everyone. You will make it much easier to find your someone if you take care of yourself--exercise and practice good personal hygiene--and stop being so narcissistic. (And, yes, self-hatred is a form of narcissism. The most tiresome form, in fact.)

Darrell said...

The advice columnist didn't ask her/they/them/his/their/its personal pronouns. She may be looking for a '62 Buick or Fiat to love.

Yancey Ward said...

Gilbar,

I got the sense the lady knows she puts out vibes that drive guys away, but I don't see anything in the letter that suggests she has repelled offers directly:

"I used to be really mean to myself about it. Why didn’t people find me cute? Why couldn’t I just get laid? Why, oh why, couldn’t someone’s eye contact linger on me, just once?"

robother said...

Churchill said "Jaw-jaw is better than war-war." For some insecure adolescents, jaw-jaw seems better than...you know. And some of those-- Maureen Dowd comes to mind-- never move past that short-term strategy until its too late. But at least she's got her body of work.

Michael K said...

Lament of many a sailor - I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I've sure woken up with some.

Definition of Coyote Ugly.

Michael K said...

I got the sense the lady knows she puts out vibes that drive guys away, but I don't see anything in the letter that suggests she has repelled offers directly

Maybe the mattress she is carrying around on her back has something to do with it. Glad I am not that age anymore.

n.n said...

Social liberal club is easy. Perhaps she wants something more and was mislead and confused by popular culture.

Jonathan Graehl said...

Fat or transexual?

tim maguire said...

gilbar said...
so....
She signs herself: Touch Me But Don’t Touch Me
and says...
I have intimacy issues,
I want to turn my brain off and go for it, but I just can’t.
I know that if someone even tried it with me, I’d run away!

AND, she says she has daddy issues...
I had intimate knowledge of one of my parent’s affairs that lasted a very long time.

Wake UP sheepeople!
she's NOT saying she doesn't get offers, she's Saying she can't/WON'T accept those offers


Actually--she IS saying she doesn't get offers. She ALSO says she would be too scared to accept an offer if she were to get one. But that's a different statement.

Bob said...

Oh, hell, either she is just trolling or she's afraid to get hurt.

Peter said...

I hope after she contemplates the promised specter of "a pile of drooling men" collecting around her ankles, she decides to stay sardonic and garrulous.

traditionalguy said...

The man who loved women once told me that men chase women until one of them catches him. This is why meeting at a Church is good planning. Then you negotiate. At the Presbyterian Church the art of the deal depends on the providence of God and chemistry.

RigelDog said...

I agree that it's hard to believe no one has made a pass at her at her age and circumstances. I was a remote, egg-head type in my first few years at college and developed a protective shell of sarcasm. Never a shortage of guys who were interested in me...some just looking to hook up, and some who made the effort to get to know me.

I think this woman does need to get out of her own head and start being someone with whom people can have a true conversation. Reading How to Have Difficult Conversations, and even How to Win Friends and Influence People would be a good start for her, so that she can get an understanding of what works when you try to connect to others. Giving them space to talk and not just barfing your whole entire personality and opinions all over the other person is where you start.

I read the article. Made me mad/sad that the advice included a huge slam at the idea of marriage. Why people think that marriage is nothing but a prison is beyond me.

Darrell said...

What guy doesn't like to be critiqued and analyzed by a strange woman? (Apologies if that's not one of xer pronouns.)

Swede said...

You just walk up to the biggest one and punch him right in the mouth. Follow up with some severe kicks to the head and thorax.

Wait...this person needs dating advice?

Disregard. Thought she was talking about prison.

BarrySanders20 said...

As the advice person says, girl, you are "the ultimate DECIDER" when it comes to sex.

Step 1: Find a college boy.
Step 2: Take off your pants
Step 3: Have sex.

Caveat: if, after Step 2 you find you have a penis, this is why the hetero college boy wont touch you. It does not complicate the three-step process, but you just have to find the right boy in Step 1 who's into that.

gspencer said...

Anyone remember the Gary Larson cartoon of "How nature says, 'Do not touch'" with four panel examples.

Maybe she could be a fifth panel.

SDaly said...

She should find herself a pet to keep her company. Maybe a fish with a bicycle?

Virgil Hilts said...

Assuming she looks presentable, she should find a guy that's not too out of her league who's not a douche, ask him if he would be interested in it for fun only (that she wants to try some things), tell him that she has thought about doing it for fun only but is worried the guy would start talking about it and shame her, have him volunteer that of course he would never, ever tell anybody. The she gets him to agree that if he did tell someone without her prior permission he must pay her $5,000. She gets him to sign a simple NDA and as security for the NDA, he has to agree to allow her to take a picture of his manhood after he gets out of say an ice bath and the NDA expressly gives her permission to publish the photo and attach his name to it if and when he ever tells anyone about the sex they're going to have.

PJ57 said...

I have a feeling this is a person who is extremely unappealing physically but has convinced herself it is her sardonic humor and endless prattling that is the problem. Not the acne scars and extra 100 pounds. Self deception is limitless in our species.

Birches said...

She's really not that old. She should go to church. People wouldn't think she's weird. Most of my college roommates hadn't missed a guy when we showed up. I'm almost certain some didn't until after graduation.

Birches said...

Kissed. Dang autocorrect.

FullMoon said...

Anyone remember the Gary Larson cartoon of "How nature says, 'Do not touch'" with four panel examples.

Maybe she could be a fifth panel.


Just saw it yesterday. Sending Christmas cards, I go through Far Side books, as well as books of quotations, jokes and poetry looking for stuff to include.


BarrySanders20 said...

Virgil- that kind of complicated thinking is what got her into this predicament.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Tyler Durden: You're a chatty, sardonic, smartass
Narrator: Thank you
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being a chatty, sardonic, smartass
Narrator: Great
Tyler Durden: Keep it up, then.

JPS said...

I could well believe she's attractive, or could be, but putting off the vibe that says "stay away - borderline-neurotic, overthinking obsessive dwells within."

Which really isn't fair. Much more destructively crazy people manage to get laid all the time, and she's probably pretty harmless.

I feel for her, but I also shake my head and think, Oh gawd, don't be like I used to be. (In retrospect I'm kind of amazed I found someone.) Relax. Stop analyzing so much. Be low-stress, good company.

rhhardin said...

Sex is wildly overrated, should be the answer.

RobinGoodfellow said...

So.... the answer to "Maybe people would like to connect to me more if I could just shut up?" is yes?!

I find that many (most?) people could benefit immensely from a steaming warm mug of shut the hell up.

bagoh20 said...

The grass is always greener on the other side of romance.

bagoh20 said...

"I find that many (most?) people could benefit immensely from a steaming warm mug of shut the hell up."

I live with 6 females - 3 human and 3 canine. Sometimes I fall asleep waiting to get a word in.

Unknown said...

you will find a pile of drooling men collecting around your ankles

Misandry much?

walter said...

Men describe reality to you in ways that aren’t just reductive and debased and sexist but also are completely warped, because they don’t have even the faintest grasp of reality.
<
Your body is already a finely tuned instrument that can pick up readings from the next room.
--
says the expert

buwaya said...I assume she has the normal good looks of a very young woman, being in college.
--
She doesn't address that..which is more than likely a tell.

Darrell said...

I bet she would file charges if the guys in the bar bukkaked her.

gilbar said...

yancy and tim...
but I don't see anything in the letter that suggests she has repelled offers directly

gentlemen (well, Yancy and Tim), I concede that i was IN ERROR using the EXPLICITLY
There is NO EVIDENCE that she repelled offers.
I should have said: IMPLICITLY [it's not that i don't know what the words mean, it's that i was WRONG]

I just feel, that there is NO FUCKING WAY ON EARTH, that she's not getting hit on.

Either:
she needs to learn what a proposition sounds like
OR:
she's getting them, but rejecting (which she's not saying)

MAYBE:
she means..... I want to be asked out in a Nice Way, by a Nice Man; that will make me feel Nice

I apologize for my inaccuracy.
None the less, i'm reading her letter as saying that SHE thinks the problem is with her; which it is

Openidname said...

I'll never understand why people who already have therapists write to advice columnists. Are they looking for a cheap second opinion?

BudBrown said...

I miss Ann Landers.

traditionalguy said...

On behalf of cosmetic surgeons everywhere, has she tried a boob job yet? Just kidding.

Darrell said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TrUf3E5D0E

rcocean said...

The Simpson's already covered this. Chatty sardonic, smart-ass Comic Book Guy found his own true love, a Chatty, sardonic, smart-ass lady.

rcocean said...

Men are only willing to put up with so much. In order for most men to want to be around a Chatty, sardonic, Smart-ass, she'd have to look like Scarlett Johanson.

And let me guess, she doesn't.

Howard said...

Shocking news from Captain Obvious.
Blogger rhhardin said...
Sex is wildly overrated, should be the answer.

Rick said...

Men don't like me because I'm too witty is the new men don't like successful women.

Iman said...

Hey, Darrell, I drive a few Fiats, and I love ‘em!

Richard Fagin said...

"When a grabby douche calls you a weirdo, that’s a badge of honor, a shiny accolade to be treasured henceforth. You are a true hero who just caused an insecure dweeby dipshit to second-guess himself for a millisecond. His ferocity is a direct reflection of how infrequently the world asks him to examine the contents of his own startlingly empty brain." I thought Andrea Dworkin died some time ago. Apparently not.

Kirk Parker said...

rcocean,

"In order for most men to want to be around a Chatty, sardonic, Smart-ass, she'd have to look like Scarlett Johanson."

Nope, not even then.


Richard F.,

" I thought Andrea Dworkin died some time ago. "

Her infection lives on.

JAORE said...

Sounds to me like one of the women that are interested but scared. Really scared.

She has erected physical and mental barriers that would put off the vast majority of potential suitors.

Approaching her will take a LOOOOONG time and movement towards her will be slow with many reversals.

Too many easier alternate paths for most.

gilbar said...

want Conclusive Proof,
that ANY Girl can get "It", if she's willing? Willing to throw standards out the window?

Polyamorous Florida woman with 4 boyfriends is pregnant

Are ANY of these 4 boyfriends someone that Anyone, with ANY standards would do? HELL NO!
But, if you look at tory ojeda, you'll see that
A) SHE is hideously ugly
B) SHE has FOUR boyfriends (with the emphasis on BOY, of course)

I don't know WHAT our only been kissed, virgin by choice looks like...
BUT!
I WILL GUARANTEE YOU, she's NOT worse looking than tory ojeda

Can our subject get a man of her dreams (which is what she really wants)? almost certainly NOT
Can she lose her virginity? YES, WHENEVER SHE WANTS to; but... As i was TRYING to say
She doesn't Want To

walter said...

"The household’s love story began three years ago when Ojeda met Marc, 18, in high school. Two months later, she opened things up with Travis, 23 — to whom she is now engaged. Later, she brought Ethan, 22, and Christopher, 22, into the fold"
--
Unfortunate wording there..

Limited Perspective said...

All public stories about sex are fictional.

gilbar said...

Dear New York Magazine;
I'd never believed in public sex stories;
But i have to tell you about the amazing night i had, with this virgin. Did i tell you she was a virgin? well, she WAS! but didn't want to be.
Let me tell you about how i got her...

Phidippus said...

Darrell @1:46 PM: I didn't realize that bukkaku was the stem of a transitive verb.

One learns something new every day, especially about the Inscrutable Orient.

Not that I'm disagreeing with you, of course.

Limited Perspective said...

Dear New York Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Porno website,

"Let me tell you about the first time I sex with my girlfriend..."

What follows is from a fiction writer or a lying psychopath. Keep your distance.

mtrobertslaw said...

The test is how this woman reacts when one of her smartass remarks is challenged. Dos she jump up, huff and puff, and head for the door? If so, men will avoid her like the plague.