September 21, 2019

"They'll rue the day they made fun of these bad boys. Woe to those who make fun of the cargo shorts and then suddenly need some snacks, a multitool, a first-aid kit, or a Johnny Cash CD. Yeah, I've got all that stuff in here and more."

Said Brent Barden, quoted in "Family Gonna Be Sorry When They Want Some Trail Mix From Dad's Cargo Shorts They Just Made Fun Of" (in The Babylon Bee, which apparently has heard of my disparagement of it and decided to try to appeal to me by using my well-known "men in shorts" issue).

ADDED: "Yeah, I've got all that stuff in here and more." Care to rewrite that, Babylon Bee? It's a father, humorously addressing children, and you've unwittingly got him sort of threatening them with his genitalia! And that's right after he's talking about them getting into his pants to find something to eat. So ham-handed!

OH? You've got ham hands? Can I have a ham-hand sandwich, Dad?

HEY: A guy once did make a ham-hand sandwich of sorts...



WELL: That video sure made me laugh a lot. I'm ready to watch all videos by I Did a Thing. You know, there's no arguing with taste, especially in humor... and in bread gloves.

ALSO: "Mad respect for a man willing to strap a laundry basket to his back, put flippers on his hands, and get in a bathtub just to reenact a sea turtle getting a straw stuck in his nose and then slowly dying."

50 comments:

David53 said...

Obviously.

Ken B said...

Not funny.

Meade said...

"Not funny."

LOL

Wince said...

The problem with cargo shorts is the larger pockets become wrinkly and unsightly, and very near impossible to iron.

Kind of like the male junk when the scrotal flesh is not taut.

Unknown said...

I hope Snopes fact-checks this!

Lincolntf said...

My cargo shorts, which I wear hiking with my dog a few times a week, are indispensable. Dog biscuits, cellphone, leash when she's running free, bug spray, etc. are always with me. I have a shoulder bag, but it's a pain in the ass to keep zipping and unzipping it, so cargo shorts pockets work great.

bagoh20 said...

Penis envy is a hell of a drug.

Mr. Forward said...

The problem with cargo shorts is knees.

Mark said...

Johnny Cash CD.

Would have been funnier with Johnny Cash 45 or Johnny Cash 8-track.

traditionalguy said...

Hurray. The Professor is seeing the fun in redneck humor again. “ ... a Johnny Cash CD. “ That had me laughing though I cannot explain it. It’s the surprise transcendent moment.

bagoh20 said...

I often wear cargo pants, but I never use any of the extra pockets, even when I'm hiking with lots of stuff. Something just seems wrong about carrying stuff on your legs.

Meade said...

Out: fanny pack

In: fanny pack

Fernandistein said...

BB shorts thing not funny, video funny, esp. the saw-bladed guillotine.

Ann Althouse said...

One reason for a man to wear shorts is if he has a lot of blond hair on his legs. Then he can sit near a pool and allow the sun to shine through the hair to attract children to come over with their wet hands and rub water on his hairy legs and then watch as the hair slowly dries and springs back up again. This is something I learned from Joe Biden's CornPop story (see the video in that other post, from which I am censoring the detail that the children were black and that had something to do with their interest in his leg hair).

Fernandistein said...

A guy down the street has one of these. I want it.

Oso Negro said...

Great Caesar's Ghost, Althouse! Now I will never be able to eliminate the image of black children rubbing Joe Biden's leg from brain. Also - the Babylon Bee is to humor as Breitbart is to news. Flirting with the dark side?

wild chicken said...

Johnny Cash CD.

Meh. Cargo-shorts guys listen to classic rock.

daskol said...

Biden’s Delaware tales are the endearing side of creepy Uncle Joe. He seems a harmless old coot, and would be if he’d been superannuated already. In light of his place in the polls it’s not as charming.

Fernandistein said...

Penis envy is a hell of a drug.

French motard points to his penis after falling off his moto.

Gahrie said...

If that's the stuff you like..try Kevin Smith's Tusk...you may be exactly who he created that for.

gilbar said...

wild chicken said...
Johnny Cash CD.
Meh. Cargo-shorts guys listen to classic rock.


pshaw!
it's one of his religious CDs, like Hymns by Johnny Cash

Ryan said...

GO BADGERS! BEAT THE BLUE!

Ann Althouse said...

The reason I looked at the Babylon Bee this morning was that the NYT had a cartoon image of a bee that I thought might be the same as the BB logo. Wanted to check. It wasn't, in case you're wondering.

gilbar said...

but you secretly snickered while there; didn't you Ann?
Don't worry; your secret is safe with us!

Ken B said...

Everyone repeats that there is no arguing with taste, but of course there is. Directors, conductors, and editors do it all the time, quite effectively.

Harsh Pencil said...

You’re so vain. I bet you think this song is about you. You’re so vain. I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you, don’t you.

reader said...

No. Dads wear golf shorts and carry everything they need in their golf bag. If for some reason they aren't golfing the essentials go to into their wife's purse.

Yancey Ward said...

I don't know, I will have to ask Snopes if a Johnny Cash CD would even fit in a cargo pants pocket.

Ralph L said...

You got a dirty mind for an old lady!

NCMoss said...

I was hoping Althouse was posting the Babylon Bee "cancel culture" satire on the father kicking out the prodigal son for older tweets surfacing.

traditionalguy said...

Wisconsin is getting Michigan's Football Coach fired. The game is like watching the Titanic sink.

steve uhr said...

Badgers have yet to give up a single point this season.

Paddy O said...

"you've unwittingly got him sort of threatening them with..."

I'll never go to that psychologist again."
"Why?"
"The doctor kept showing me all those ink pictures of genitalia..."

Ken B said...

Yancey
Yes they fit, carefully folded.

Ken B said...

Althouse floats a new Penthouse Magazine meme: I read it for the logos.

Original Mike said...

"Badgers have yet to give up a single point this season."

Some people don't know when to keep quiet.

stevew said...

I confess to possessing, and wearing, two pair of cargo shorts. One pair I wear when working around the house and yard in warm to hot weather. The other pair are made of light weight, quick dry material that I wear when hiking and when sailing. I keep stuff in the pockets that I may need, generally small tools and such. Very practical, much better than a backpack or, shudder, a fanny pack. I never wear these shorts any other time.

Oh, and I never, ever waste any time ironing them, that's just silly.

Unknown said...

replete..

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

the tampon gun has potential.

imagine, after a few mods, taking one w/ full auto, and a high capacity mag to a Womyn's March and silencing a few dozen shrieking SJW pie-holes.

no strings attached-- make 'em harder to retrieve.

Narr said...

Iron? What is this "iron" you speak of, traveler?

Best thing about my single pair of cargo shorts is that when I wear a hole in one pocket there are several others nearby.

Narr
Snips and snails and puppy dog tails

Phidippus said...

Wince said: "Kind of like the male junk when the scrotal flesh is not taut."

How exactly do you solve that problem? Asking for a friend.

Ralph L said...

How exactly do you solve that problem? Asking for a friend.

Some men got it, some men don't. Temperature can make a temporary difference.

Phidippus said...

Emerita: "One reason for a man to wear shorts is if he has a lot of blond hair on his legs. Then he can sit near a pool and allow the sun to shine through the hair to attract children to come over with their wet hands and rub water on his hairy legs and then watch as the hair slowly dries and springs back up again."

In the context of Biden, we can attribute this to Alzheimer's, or some other form of dementia.

In your case, I fear to speculate. But perhaps you were making an attempt at humor, having kicked the Babylon Beehive again in your obstinate fashion.

I wear shorts for one and only one reason: When it is hot, and I am doing something physical (e.g., digging holes, hiking with a backpack, chainsawing a fallen tree, etc), it is a helluva lot more comfortable than jeans or any other long pants!

If people don't like how it looks, tough noogies for them.

And I always have my multitool with me, no matter what pants I wear.

Ralph L said...

Wearing shorts when chainsawing reduces the chance of infection from denim fibers when you saw into your lower leg.

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

if we sold thru the Althouse Portal,

would Our Most Gracious Host be ok with us launching the

Garner Shorts for Men with the althouse.blogspot.com "web" belt?

...and coordinated T-Shirts w/ fave Ann-O-Grams like

"Cruelly Neutral"

"Better Than Nothing Is A High Standard"

"I've had it up to here with your
CIVILITY BULLSHIT

buwaya said...

I have been wearing shorts for almost two weeks. And flip flops.

NEO-FIDO said...

Someone handles criticism poorly.

Phidippus said...

Ralph L: Very true. And you know about it right away, not just when you rip the scabs off at bedtime when you get undressed. So you can hose it off right then and get back to work, and worry about the details later.

You also get a certain amount of advance warning before any ascending ticks get embedded in their preferred places. ('Nuff said about that business.)

In hot weather, shorts rule, and that's it.

TheThinMan said...

Ann, I’m a devoted and admiring follower of your blog but what’s this I’m reading here? A guy is talking about his POCKETS, not pants, so “And more” can only mean more stuff in the pockets, which would not include his genitalia. On the contrary, a guy who wanted people aware of such would favor the exact opposite kind of shorts, making your accusation of gross sexual innuendo ridiculous.

Another ridiculous thing: stating as fact that The Babylon Bee knows you’re not a fan, is upset by this, and so publishes this article with the sole purpose of winning you over.

Thomas W said...

I never thought of a sexual connotation to that "and more". Does this instead say something about today's culture, which searches for sexual meaning in everything?