July 26, 2019

"Kipling Williams, a Purdue University psychologist, studied how people felt when a young woman walked by them and either made eye contact, made eye contact while smiling..."

"... or completely ignored them. Even brief eye contact increased people's sense of inclusion and belonging. 'Just that brief acknowledgment, that brief glance — with or without a smile — made them at least temporarily feel more socially connected,' Williams says. And it works both ways. Those that had been 'looked through' felt even more disconnected than the control group. So, how can we dodge the risks of loneliness and stop short-changing our own happiness? It might be easier than you think. 'It takes very little to acknowledge somebody's existence,' Williams says."

From "Want To Feel Happier Today? Try Talking To A Stranger" (NPR).

So people feel happier if a young woman smiles and/or makes eye contact. Does that suggest that all of us can make each other happier by making eye contact and smiling? More research is needed.

But I do like the idea of finding a way to acknowledge the existence of strangers — not every stranger along the way, but various people you encounter. We tend to put a lot of energy into the people who have an ongoing role in our life — family, friends, co-workers — but I think completely transitory relationships with random strangers are important. I think there's beauty and idealism in sharing something for a moment with absolutely no expectation of getting anything more.

82 comments:

William said...

George Bundy used to feel energized and empowered when women smiled back at him.

richlb said...

Conversely, acknowledging a stranger is a good way to make potential "bad guys" think twice. Once they know you've recognized them they usually will move on to another potential "victim". I used to work retail apparel and one key way to combat shoplifting was to make eye contact and greet every customer.

Nonapod said...

As an introvert, making eye contact with strangers is challenging to me. I have a few extrovert friends who seem to almost go out of their way to strike up conversations with complete strangers. At times I feel they're being foolish, but other times I'm envious of their open, cavalier dispositions.

BamaBadgOR said...

These days smiling and looking at a young woman is a good way to get arrested.

JPS said...

"I do like the idea of finding a way to acknowledge the existence of strangers — not every stranger along the way, but various people you encounter."

I tend toward eye contact and a brief nod of acknowledgment to someone walking my way and passing close by, in corridors or on the path in the park. It's not flirting - never was much good at that, I'm not looking for a date, and I acknowledge anyone I pass. But young women seem to think it's that, and rather obviously avert their eyes, as if acknowledging would be somehow an invitation.

I mean, maybe I'm coming off creepy and I'm just not aware of it. But others pretty generally nod back, or even smile or say hello.

Wince said...

Even brief eye contact increased people's sense of inclusion and belonging. 'Just that brief acknowledgment, that brief glance — with or without a smile — made them at least temporarily feel more socially connected,' Williams says.

I guess that explains the guy in the open trench coat with no pants.

tim maguire said...

It is not advisable to make eye contact with crazy homeless people on the street. Forcing them to recognize you as an actual person who is actually there can be dangerous. It would be a real shame if that practice of not making eye contact made the person worse and, generally speaking, more dangerous, but there's not a lot you can or should do about that while out walking the street. That goes double in confined spaces like a subway car or platform.

PM said...

I've also read stand-up comics are happier when they elicit laughter.

Wince said...

William said...
George Bundy used to feel energized and empowered when women smiled back at him.

Well, he was JFK's national security advisor.

McGeorge Bundy

Anthony said...

I have been doing that much more lately. I'll talk to almost anyone.

Good and friendly manners are the grease in the gears of civilization.

Fen said...

It's true. I have an "opener" I use with 7-11 clerks, wait staff, TSA screeeners, etc. Just a friendly hello how are you doing to acknowledge they are real humans with their own set of daily problems to carry. You can see the flash in their eyes when the connection is made.

Especially from the ones that are routinely treated as drones by self-centered customers.

Fen said...

But it has to be sincere.

Michael K said...

George Bundy used to feel energized and empowered when women smiled back at him.

Ted did, too.

Paddy O said...

I've been nurturing the habit of treating everyone I interact with as a real person, with a real experiences and interests.

We go through life with everything being a transaction. Simply responding to people as they are real people can be very transforming for both sides. Stores, customer service, work, online, etc.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting better and it really makes a difference.

Sydney said...

Tim Maguire said:
It is not advisable to make eye contact with crazy homeless people on the street. Forcing them to recognize you as an actual person who is actually there can be dangerous. It would be a real shame if that practice of not making eye contact made the person worse and, generally speaking, more dangerous, but there's not a lot you can or should do about that while out walking the street. That goes double in confined spaces like a subway car or platform.

Twice I made eye contact with someone in Starbucks and received a vicious reaction. The first was in New York City and the guy snarled at me like a wild animal. The second was in my own town in Ohio - a suburb, and the woman stuck her tongue out at me. It was bizarre!

Reg said...

Interesting research. I’ve often wondered about the norms regarding acknowledging strangers. Context seems important. Imagine walking on a path and passing only 1 or 2 people per hour. You would almost certainly greet them in some way. By contrast, you would come off as some sort of sociopath if you were walking past a steady stream of people on a crowded city street and greeting each person.

Richard said...

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers

wild chicken said...

When I first moved to Missoula everybody did that. Hell you might know the person.
That changed but I kept searching faces for people I knew. Then it all stopped.

I need to start doing that again.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

As a man, I've always found it to be important to be seen by strangers.

Unfortunately, some of those strangers in the park did not appreciate this.

Hence, the sex offender's registry.

Christopher said...

We go through life with everything being a transaction. Simply responding to people as they are real people can be very transforming for both sides.

100%. I'm a bit late-ish middle aged, and for whatever reason this year I've consciously tried to briefly acknowledge people at checkout counters and the like to make them--and me--feel a bit less like cogs in a machine. Helps smooth the rough edges of life. The caveats about young women for example apply for sure if you're a guy, and all kinds of people are not gonna acknowledge it or even notice it because they *are* used to feeling like machine gears and who knows what else they're dealing with that day.

So sometimes you gotta just move on, that's fine. Still helps overall.

Bill Crawford said...

EDH - do you mean like this? Expose Yourself to Art

Michael K said...

Twice I made eye contact with someone in Starbucks and received a vicious reaction

Maybe it's Starbucks and the sort of people who go there, :)

Sociological research is next to global warming research as a waste of time and money.

B said...

How about when a 50+ male makes eye contact? Not much of a study with only 3 variables.

tim maguire said...

Sydney said...Twice I made eye contact with someone in Starbucks and received a vicious reaction. The first was in New York City and the guy snarled at me like a wild animal.

Our branch of the animal kingdom sees eye contact as an aggressive act. If humans are different as this study claims, it's through socialisation. So be careful to only make eye contact with the socialized people!

Making your interactions (i.e., in the check out line) more pleasant is a nice way to go through life, but it's a different thing than looking at strangers in public.

buwaya said...

The happiness of young women as a marker for general welfare may be hard-coded.
A subtle signal from the fertile that things are going well.
Young women’s attitudes probably matter a great deal in evolutionary psychology.
It’s probably why media-enforced memes to make them unhappy are especially destructive.

Ann Althouse said...

If you respond to a commenter who is always deleted, your comment will be deleted.

Temujin said...

I actually try to look people in the eye as I'm walking down a street. It is amazing to make contact with a stranger for just a second. Some smile. Some ignore and you can see them thinking, "What's up with that guy? Do I have a bug on my face?" Some kinda just give you an acknowledgement in a fraction of a second: "Hey...human. Hi. Gotta go."

Young women tend not to return my look. I must look to them to be an old leering man. I'd resent that except that I am a leering semi-old man.

Lyle Sanford, RMT said...

I know you're not a fan of travel, and I'm not now either, but in my 20's did a lot of backpacking through South America and Europe, and those transitory connections gave a wonderful kick to it all. There's a freshness you don't get with people you're used to and who are used to you.

Yancey Ward said...

Uh oh- you don't want to be strung up on aggressive looking charges.

The Cracker Emcee Refulgent said...

"So people feel happier if a young woman smiles and/or makes eye contact."

No shit?

Mr. Forward said...

Your grandfather had this figured out.
You tip your hat to the ladies.
Haven’t got a hat? Get one.

Yancey Ward said...

If I am interacting with a stranger, I always look them in the eyes and smile- costs me nothing to do so. However, walking around and passing people doesn't count as interaction in my opinion. On a street, looking every passerby in the eyes and smiling would seem to be a sort of madness to me.

Yancey Ward said...

"Stop looking at me!"

"Mommy, he's looking at me! Make him stop!"

Yancey Ward said...

Men Without Hats would make a great band name.

tim in vermont said...

Making eye contact is fraught in a lot of ways. It’s how panhandlers and con artists work in big cities, picking victims whom they haven’t yet rendered jaded. If a pretty girl does it, men take it as an invitation, because it often is. This is not that simple.

Yancey Ward said...

Maria-Pia makes eye contact.

AJ Ford said...

So when a man says to a woman "smile" he is really just looking for a dopamine hit. He's not intentionally making a statement about how women should look or behave? It's selfish or self-centered, but not necessarily sexist?

Bill Peschel said...

When I'm walking I try to make eye contact with drivers approaching me, or if I'm (legally) stepping in front of them at crosswalks. It's my way of acknowledging their patience in not hitting me. (Actually, no eye contact is involved, as it's very difficult at that speed. It just appears that way.)

I also avoid eye contact with young women walking towards me, although I'll acknowledge older couples and older women.

I found this is useful for my introvert tendencies, born of bullies challenging me every time I looked.

Fernandinande said...

a young woman, eh?

Fernandistein, a psychologist like everyone else, studied how people felt when a smelly drunk walked by them and either made eye contact, made eye contact while asking for money, or completely ignored them.

Even a brief absence of eye contact increased people's sense of "whew, that was a close one!"

And it works both ways! Those that, er, those who, had been 'looked through' felt even more relieved than [those in] the control group.

MadTownGuy said...

Mark Heard lamented the way people avoid contact:

"Sidewalk Soliloquy"

Whenever I venture from my home
Why do I feel so all alone
People should laugh
People should love
I'm in a crowd a hundred strong
Watching the people walk alone
Moments of life squandered away

Maybe it's just a thing
That I can't understand
Maybe I'm just a much too simple man

Whenever I smile and nod my head
Folks look at me like I was dead
What can I say
Where can I run

No one has heard me say hello
They're deaf dumb and blind for all I know
What can I do
What can be done

Maybe I'm just too soft
Too easy to bruise and scar
Maybe I've let my feelings go too far

But if I am wrong to feel this way
Then I am wrong most every day
What can I do what can I say

Once there was One Who spoke of this
He told us why it's like it is
And we're all to blame
It's such a shame

Nice said...

Not Faye Dunaway !! Don't ever look her in the eye, no matter how attractive you are.

Bob Smith said...

When I’m out walking I always say good morning/good afternoon/evening to passers by. My contemporaries always respond. Younger folks not so much. I do it because of me, not them.

mockturtle said...

It has always been my habit to smile at people in passing. Long ago, however, I learned that smiling at Hispanic males whom I do not know is a big mistake.

Fen said...

Young women tend not to return my look. I must look to them to be an old leering man. I'd resent that except that I am a leering semi-old man.

I hear ya.

Yes little lady, I am studying your legs because their perfection takes me back to Francheska Castaldi, a girl I worked with 40 years ago who's beauty could launch a thousand ships to lay waste to the city of Troy.

I've got maybe 10 good years left, get over it.

Marcus Bressler said...

I smile and nod at people I meet and interact with during the day. I am genuinely pleased when I get a smile back.

THEOLDMAN

It's easy not to make eye contact if you hide in the bushes outside the house of your latest girlfriend. Well, she's not my girlfriend...yet.

gblanch said...

I talk to strangers all the time. After the initial shock wears off I almost
always get a laugh. N=1.

Shouting Thomas said...

If you're a woman, I dare you to walk down the street in Ft. Greene Park , Brooklyn, and make eye contact with black men on the street.

And old girlfriend once did. She was fresh in from San Francisco.

They chased her down the street, hands on dicks, screaming at her to suck them off.

She barely made it into a shop that locked the door behind her.

Anthony said...

+1 on being friendly towards "low level" staff. It does mean a lot to the person sweeping floors that their work is valued. I know staff usually ask "How are you?" as a reflex but I always say fine and then ask them how they're doing. Usually they smile at the unexpected question.

The Spousal Unit told me she stopped what she was doing once to thank a janitorial lady for the good work they do and that she really appreciates it. Made the lady's day.

Fen said...

Usually they smile at the unexpected question.

And it can come back to you with amusing results.

One day I'm pulling thru McDs drive thru to pay for my order, grumpy grump Fen. Sweet black lady asks how I'm doing in a sing song voice. I reply sarcastically, just to see what would happen:

"I smell like wet dog and can't figure out why"

She spent the next 5 minutes giving me advice on shampoo and conditioners. Made my day. And we became friends too. Good thing, poor woman has had to fight cancer and dump her husband all in the same year. I think I may have restored a tiny bit of her faith in this world.

Nice said...

You would think people would be more willing to chat with folks they don't know given everyone talks to strangers online. I guess some things don't translate or transfer into real (offline) life.

In France, if you ask someone literally, "how are you?" --you might end up having to listen to an hour-long oral biography. In America "how are you" seems like nothing more than way to dismiss someone, and sometimes means an outright "drop dead".

rhhardin said...

What I call grimace in birds the same name among men! The cock does not stray from its nature - less from incapacity than pride. Teach them to read and they rebel. This is no parrot - which would be in ecstasies before its ignorant or unforgivable weakness! Oh! loathsome degradation! How like a goat one is when one laughs! The calm brow has disappeared to make way for two enormous fishes' eyes which (is it not deplorable?) ... which ... begin to shine like lighthouses!

Lautreamont

rehajm said...

I can amalgamate my experience from everyone's comments. I've been spending more time in the southeast US where I've made more effort to acknowledge strangers. A nod to the fellas, a little grab of the brim and a nod when passing a young lady. It works! Most people seem to appreciate it. Even seems to disarm some guys a little. Doesn't always work back in New England but so what- nobody's freaked out yet. Do steer clear of the meth heads and homeless crazies, though...

Merny11 said...

I was born and raised in retail and as a result its abnormal to me to NOT acknowledge strangers. Drove my kids nuts that I would strike up conversations with people while in line or seated near me at events. That habit means I’m rarely bored when in a strange place. Most people are interesting in one way or another; interacting is often what MAKES things memorable.

Jeff Brokaw said...

I almost always acknowledge strangers when passing them on the sidewalk - eye contact, nod, maybe a “hello” or “good morning”.

I figure, why not? When I am lying in my deathbed, am I going to regret saying “hi” to random people? I don’t think so.

Human interactions are good for the soul.

Megaera said...

I have read several articles about suicide and attempted/aborted efforts at self-harm; among those who survived to speak of their experience there seemed to be a common thread of wanting some kind of connection with strangers (apparently NOT friends or family). Something along the lines of, "I wouldn't have tried it if someone, anyone, one the street had smiled at me as I headed toward the bridge..." No way to know, of course, if these assurances are accurate, or sincere, or if the speakers in their turmoil, were even able to interpret and accept third-party behaviors. But that recurring refrain struck me at the time.

Jupiter said...

Ann Althouse said...
"If you respond to a commenter who is always deleted, your comment will be deleted."

No More Professor Nice Guy!

mikee said...

I wave at people in my neighborhood as I'm driving to or from home. I've gotten to know many people who approach me at the pool or neighborhood HOA meetings to respond personally to my waving. Waving makes for a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

mikee said...

And let us always remember that pickup truck drivers in west Texas raise a finger, and not the middle one, when another truck comes along.
https://www.texasmonthly.com/the-culture/texas-primer-the-hi-sign/

El Supremo said...

Gigitty gigitty goo!

Achilles said...

People like to be acknowledged.

By hot chicks.

All joking aside we all know how to make eye contact and communicate non-verbally in our own society. It is a language and there is such a thing as empathic intelligence.

But this study did nothing to illuminate this subject.

Francisco D said...

As an old guy who stays in shape and thinks he's pretty hot (or at least my wife does), a young attractive woman smiling at me simply reaffirms my egotistical self-view.

Seeing Red said...

Didn’t “The Girl from Ipanema” cover this?

She looks straight ahead
Not at me....

Seeing Red said...

Not with Me Too. Someone could be facing social
Media harassment.

Seeing Red said...

If you want to connect get people on an elevator to smile or laugh. It’s a group event.

daskol said...

I think there's beauty and idealism in sharing something for a moment with absolutely no expectation of getting anything more.

The zipless nod

daskol said...

"The zipless [nod] is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game...No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless [nod] is the purest thing there is."

traditionalguy said...

As often observed among humans the greatest insult is to ignore their existence. Calling them names is actually a strong love/hate relationship.

LA_Bob said...

Several months ago I was behind a man and his wife, both about my age (middle-aged, heading to senior citizenry) at a grocery market checkout.

I placed the rubber divider between his order and mine. He reached down as it to grab the divider away. I held the divider up as if to hit him. All in good fun.

I pointed out a tabloid in the rack that mentioned something about LBJ and JFK, with a circle around a JFK photo to show the under-40 crowd which one he was.

As the clerk scanned his groceries, I nearly called out, Hey, you gonna pay for mine, too? I thought that's just a bit too familiar, so I didn't say it.

When he was gone, and I got to the clerk, she handed me a receipt and said he had paid for my groceries.

You just have no idea what strangers might do.

Megaera said...

The Spousal Unit and I have often taken long walks in our current and prior residential neighborhoods and while other pedestrians often nod or otherwise acknowledge us, drivers do so rarely. This changes, though, if we have one or both of our dogs with us: strangers walking past tend to look at the dogs and smile/nod, while drivers FAR more frequently smile and nod or give a small wave. The difference in driver behavior is actually striking -- has anyone else noticed this?

Dust Bunny Queen said...

but I think completely transitory relationships with random strangers are important. I think there's beauty and idealism in sharing something for a moment with absolutely no expectation of getting anything more.

The social bonding of just acknowledging the presence of other people in a friendly way cannot be overstated. A nod. A smile. A quick joke or innocious comment. All bring down the tension and create a group feeling. This is why there is so much small talk about the weather.

Bob's story about the grocery store interaction is familiar. Being in a small town....like Friends where everyone knows your name... the check out line is often a fun and social moment. People from out of town, are surprised to be randomly addressed and included in the banter. Most often, everyone leaves with a smile and a friendly wave.

Even in a big city you can create that small town feel,if only for a moment.

daskol said...

Perhaps it’s because I’ve reached early middle age and I dress less distinctively than before or maybe things have just changed thanks to all the out of towners, but there’s no fun to be had anymore besides the pure kind in smiling and nodding and otherwise showing friendly acknowledgement of strangers in NYC. It used to freak a goodly number of people out.

daskol said...

Double-takes, looking behind them over the shoulder or just staring blankly were pretty common reactions once to “howdy” or “fine day, isn’t it?”

The Vault Dweller said...

When I was a younger man (so up to maybe 21 or 22), I assumed that every girl that made eye contact with me and smiled was attracted to me. Which in hindsight was a really foolish thing to believe because before then I had already formed a practice of giving a head nod to any male I passed and made eye contact with as a sign of acknowledgment.

I still largely do the head nod practice with men today, but avoid anything with women unless they first make a sign of acknowledgment. The reason being, while I don't think it is a majority of women, there is a sizeable portion of women who want to just be ignored and can feel mild anxiety if strange men 'notice' them.

Maillard Reactionary said...

I carry a flashlight in my pocket for just this reason.

daskol said...

Unless I’m preoccupied or grumpy Ismile and nod at women and men but I’m careful to make sure I don’t use my male gaze on the women unless I t can tell that they’re looking for it. But the best way to get a really pretty woman to acknowledge you in public places like a subway is to studiously ignore her. Confuses them.

Laslo Spatula said...

How will I know she is making eye contact if I'm busy looking at her breasts?

I am Laslo.

heyboom said...

I live in California, so I thought the "look-through" was the norm?

ken in tx said...

I live part of the year in Austin TX, and part in Western NC. Both places have a tradition of offering a smile and a wave to strangers when they pass. It's a way of acknowledging that another human being is there. However, visitors and transplants sometimes don't understand this custom. A NYC transplant in Austin said that it terrified her when she was first saw it. "What the hell does he want?" she thought. I have heard similar comments from visitors in NC.

Wrella said...

When speaking with a Customer Service Rep or the like on the phone, I will end the call with "Thanks for coming to work today!" I can almost feel the smile break out on the other end of the line and, frankly, on my end, too.

Costs not a thing but a few breaths I had to take anyway.

Ignatius Acton Chesterton OCD said...

Obvious.

Lee Moore said...

Laslo : How will I know she is making eye contact if I'm busy looking at her breasts?

Stand extremely close to her and look down into her cleavage. If she's making eye contact you'll see her upturned eyes between your nose and her chest. If you feel a sharp pain in your groin and the metallic click of handcuffs, you'll know she's a cop.

daskol said...

George Bundy used to feel energized and empowered when women smiled back at him.

Are you mistaking George the Animal Steele for King Kong Bundy?