September 14, 2018

"Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane."

"'The second I put on eyeshadow or lipstick, I look like someone who just escaped from a mental institution,' said 32-year-old Greenwald, noting that whatever she tries—a natural look or even a subtle cat-eye—the makeup in combination with her physical attributes instantly transforms her appearance into that of a deranged, nightmarish mutant. 'I look completely normal without makeup, but as soon as I try something as simple as a sultry, smokey eye—Bam! I’m an unhinged, sleep-deprived, Jack-Nicholson-from-The-Shining-looking lunatic. Maybe it has something to do with my bone structure or my skin type that turns me into a creepy serial killer every time I try to contour or fill in my eyebrows, I don’t know.' Greenwald added that her makeup problem was exacerbated when she tries to do something nice with her hair and only ends up looking like a psychotic clown or a batshit crazy comic book villain."

From The Onion, but it's funny because it channels some real truth. I think a lot of women feel this way. Right? That's why I'm blogging this. That, and I think it's interesting that they used the name Greenwald, which I associate with a single person, Glenn Greenwald. By the way, I had a close call with The Onion using my name, back in 2003, when some people who assumed I'd taken my ex-husband's last name used me as the author of a book called "Post-Divorce, Pre-Death."
"A child's realization that his mother is a sexual being usually comes during pre-pubescence for boys, at around 11 or 12," [psychiatrist Ann] Cohen said. "But that association fades quickly when the boy turns from an inexperienced child into a sexualized teenager. After that, the mother becomes an anti-sex-symbol, a purified ideal of womanhood who's above, or at least outside, the realm of normal animalistic impulses. For a teenager like Derek, it must be incredibly traumatic to see his mother put herself on the dating market like a side of beef."

Added Cohen: "Think about it—your own mom? Looking for sex? Disgusting!"
Ha ha. So true!

53 comments:

traditionalguy said...

Practice tip:Twenty year old women are serious when they bring a new man home to meet their parents. Fifty year old women are serious when they arrange for the new man to meet their grown sons.

Shouting Thomas said...

Repetitive divorce, dating and remarriage is so common in the area where I live that few children can manage to hold onto an idealized vision of their mother.

I was friends with one female offender in Woodstock who has been married, I believe, six times, and has also had numerous affairs.

Her son, in his teenage years, was inclined to wail in public spaces: "My mother is a whore! She's slept with every man in Woodstock!"

Shouting Thomas said...

@traditionalguy

Many of the 50 and 60 year old women I date don't have the sense to acknowledge the danger of inviting me to sleep over at their house on the first date while their 20 to 30 year old son sleeps in another room.

Taking them up on this is a good way to get murdered.

rhhardin said...

Usually the lady in the with and without make up piture looks better without.

The Crack Emcee said...

"From The Onion, but it's funny because it channels some real truth. I think a lot of women feel this way. Right?"

Men, women - everybody. Many women have their father's faces, but most people don't talk about it. White people have creepy translucent skin (which we have talked about) and blacks have our wide and dark features - as whites proved they are always happy to prove they notice (in cartoon form, for instance) like after Serena's recent match. We're all kinda hideous, pretending to be golden children.

I've known that since I was a child.

robother said...

I associated from Glenn Greenwald to Glenn Close, who played the batshit crazy one night stand in Fatal Attraction, and whose makeup and hair really seemed to be part of the package.

Laslo Spatula said...

"Added Cohen: "Think about it—your own mom? Looking for sex? Disgusting!"

Though not as bad as someone showing you your father's profile on Grindr.

I am Laslo.

tim maguire said...

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with that. My mother never had sex. God blessed her with 9 immaculate conceptions.

h said...

In my observation, men groom and dress in a way that they believe will attract women (even if they are actually trying to persuade a woman or some women to have sex, they are gratified by the attention of women). Women on the other hand want to "look attractive" but that is defined by what women in their circle will agree is "an attractive look". But (of course) it's an odd use of the word "attractive" since the women are not trying to attract anyone. I guess it's true that they are trying to attract admiration from their friends.

So a woman whose husband honestly believes she is more beautiful without makeup will still wear makeup for the sake of "looking attractive".

Mark said...

God blessed her with 9 immaculate conceptions

That's nice. What does that have to do with never having sex?

JPS said...

For me, Greenwald will always be LT Barney Greenwald. The Caine Mutiny (book, not movie) and his drunken speech, changed my life.

Phil 3:14 said...

Love the phrase “smoky eye”. It conjures up images not connected to reality.

Sydney said...

Re: Makeup. I am one of those women who look worse with makeup. When I was young, I avoided it. Now, when I am at a public function that might include photographs, I wear a small amount of strategically placed concealer. No eye makeup, rarely lipstick. If I do wear lipstick it is very close to my natural lip color, never that fire engine red stuff. I look like a ghoul in full makeup.

whitney said...

" Mark said...
God blessed her with 9 immaculate conceptions

That's nice. What does that have to do with never having sex?"

My thoughts also

Ann Althouse said...

"Love the phrase “smoky eye”. It conjures up images not connected to reality."

I find the phrase very annoying. I also hate "strappy sandal."

It's fashion-magazine talk, which I ought to like as its own special form of craziness, but it got on my nerves so badly in the 1970s, when I had a job (in a market research firm) that required me to read all the fashion magazines every month. I missed Vogue in the Diana Vreeland years. I caught the Grace Mirabella era, and I've never been able to warm up to what annoyed me so much back then. I know why I can't let go of my annoyance: It's that it was so obvious to me that these people were bullshitting to sell things and that it was designed to have a big impact on women's minds and make them waste their time and money on foolish things. I don't mind if a woman, with a free mind, chooses a life of frivolous foolery, but I could see that I, as a woman, needed to be immune to pushes to make me do what it served their interests for me to do.

tim in vermont said...

Many women have their father’s faces, but most people don't talk about it.

Jennifer Garner...

tim in vermont said...

but I could see that I, as a woman, needed to be immune to pushes to make me do what it served their interests for me to do.

Replace ‘woman’ with ‘person’ and that’s a pretty good philosophy for anyone.

EDH said...

What Althouse didn’t tell us about taking her son to that Nine Inch Nails concert was that he had to wait outside while she “partied” on the band’s tour bus after the show.

Ann Althouse said...

"Re: Makeup. I am one of those women who look worse with makeup. When I was young, I avoided it. Now, when I am at a public function that might include photographs, I wear a small amount of strategically placed concealer. No eye makeup, rarely lipstick. If I do wear lipstick it is very close to my natural lip color, never that fire engine red stuff. I look like a ghoul in full makeup."

I'm sure that if you presented that problem to a good makeup professional, he or she could come up with a set of products and methods of application that really would make you look better and suit your taste. I find it hard to believe it's a good idea to wear "concealer" on only part of your face. The right foundation, applied uniformly, might be better -- not that I'm a makeup artist, but I do think there's a smart way to use makeup so that you look better but don't create the problem of looking like a "ghoul" or a "clown" to yourself when you look in a mirror.

MikeR said...

Most girls I see using far too much makeup when they want to look their best. They are much prettier when they use less.

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

"Smeechy-Eye" they called it, during the Industrial Revolution
you noticed it whilst peering into the looking-glass

Roger Sweeny said...

Re: Makeup. I am one of those women who look worse with makeup.

So why wear it, ever?

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

what sort of scorn would we garner if we all showed up @Meadehouse

in strappy sandals, shorts, and all 'smokey-eyed'

Meade said...

"what sort of scorn"...

The cruel neutrality sort. (Key word: cruel.)

The Crack Emcee said...

Always nice to have some inspiration:

John McCain Said France Is An Old Woman Wearing Make-Up In A Bar (Looking For A Hot Date) And I Say The Press Is That Woman But Only Imagining The Bar

Thanks!

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

@Meade
we would expect, and deserve, nothing better

tcrosse said...

The cruel neutrality sort. (Key word: cruel.)

As in "You better neutrality your ass out of here."

TestTube said...

Anyone else who really really like the present cat-eye eyeliner trend?

I love love love it. It is flattering to so many face types. Young, old, in between. I hope it never goes away.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

As to makeup....less is more.

Foundation should be basically invisible, yet smoothing out of skin tone. Instead many young girls look like they applied it with a trowel. Blush when subtly applied and feathered out can give your face a more lively healthy look. Too much and you look like a clown.

Eye makeup: liner, shadow, mascara, brows, for everyday use....also needs to be subtle. Again there, but not THERE!!!!!

No need to look like a clown or a street walker. If you can't do it yourself, a professional consultation is very helpful. Picking the right shades for your particular skin tone is so important. A neutral palette is best.

People who wear glasses might need to be more heavily made up to compensate for the lenses. When I was "performing", singing my make up was much more exaggerated because of the lighting and the distance to the audience. I would NEVER wear such heavy make up IRL.

I hardly ever wear foundation. It clogs the pores. Just a light moisturizer. Maybe with some sunscreen in the summertime. Soft blurry eyeliner, a little mascara and a tiny bit of shadow in a neutral color to make the eyes appear larger. I don't bother doing anything with my eyebrows and never have.

To each his own, though. Do what makes you feel the best.

Unknown said...

Maybe she should just go with crazy!

Lovernios said...

The first time I became aware of my Mother being a sexual being was when I was about 12 or 13. My mother had 8 kids, so our apartments were quite crowded and the boy's bedroom (all 4 of us) was right next to my parents.

One night they were going at it with gusto; the bed was squeaking rapidly, the headboard was banging against the wall, there was the sound of flesh smacking against flesh, and my mother was moaning quite audibly.

I got up, went in front of their door and asked in a shaky voice. "M-m-mom? Are you all right?"

Sudden silence. My mother cleared her throat and said, "Yes, honey, I'm alright. Now go back to bed!" It remained quiet the rest of the night. I'm sure now that my old man must have been furious.

Yancey Ward said...

My awareness of my mother's sexuality came when I found two copies of Playgirl in the kitchen drawer at age 11.

Mary Beth said...

BB cream is better than foundation. It's like a tinted moisturizer, so it's not heavy or cakey.

Anthony said...

That's exactly why I don't smile in photographs. I look like a psycho killer.

(Qu'est-ce que c'est)

tim in vermont said...

What Althouse didn’t tell us about taking her son to that Nine Inch Nails concert was that he had to wait outside while she “partied” on the band’s tour bus after the show.

Now you are describing Justin Trudeau’s mom, Margerat Trudeau, and her being photographed coming out of the Rolling Stones’ limo dressed only on the top half. Her son, BTW, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Fidel Castro, whom she used to greet privately in his hotel room as a welcome “on behalf of Canada.” Of course since you can’t date her pregnancy with Justin to a documented tryst with Castro, that makes you a tin foil hat conspiracy theorist if you think that there may have been other times no so well documented.

Pierre Trudeau was as gay as Paul Lynde, of course, and 5-4, when Fidel and Justin are both not only look alikes, but around 6-2 , 6-3.


The Crack Emcee said...

Customers who got 'vampire facials' at New Mexico spa urged to get tested for HIV

"It's a non-surgical procedure in which a patient's blood is drawn then treated and partly re-applied to the face."

I can think of a better place for it.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

"It's a non-surgical procedure in which a patient's blood is drawn then treated and partly re-applied to the face."

OMG! WTF is wrong with some people?

They deserve everything that comes from this idiotic behaviour.

The Crack Emcee said...

Dust Bunny Queen said...

"OMG! WTF is wrong with some people?"

There's nothing wrong with them. Everything is perfectly fine. Protected speech and all that. We'll hurt you.

Oso Negro said...

@Shouting Thomas - your problem can easily be avoided by dating 20-something women.

Oso Negro said...

Any woman can look better with makeup - provided she knows how to use it effectively. And if she doesn’t want “Colorado face” by the time she is 40, she will take care to use something with a sunscreen in it.

walter said...

Crack leaps into race mode on cue.
Could be an Onion caricature...if it weren't for the lack of exaggeration.

Earnest Prole said...

The old rule still applies: If you can see makeup (with the exception of lipstick) from more than a foot away, it's all wrong. And yes, that preference betrays one's social class.

The Crack Emcee said...

walter said...

"Crack leaps into race mode on cue."

Black people, being black, and talking about black things, like we do with other black people, is really a problem for you white anti-racists always wondering why it's so hard for us to be friends, ain't it?

Maybe you should just roll with it, and shut-the-fuck-up, and see how that works?

buwaya said...

The problem with black things vs non-black things is the scope of these categories is different by many orders of magnitude.

I.e., there is a universe-worth of non-black vs black.
Just as there is a universe-worth of non-Chinese vs Chinese.

The insistence of black writers, etc. to focus on "black" vs everything else, is at least collectively, counterproductive in the extreme.

Now, how do other cultural minorities handle this? I can mention several, but the key is to maintain an aggressive external focus, no matter how intense the internal identity, and that internal bit is indeed internal, in terms of creating cultural coherence and discipline within the population.

The Basques, for instance, make all of theirs in their region learn Basque, a very difficult language, which is quite a personal commitment. At the same time they make their livings running what amounts to a German-style technological Mittelstand, targeting external markets, as well as an ancient tradition of making their fortune in the larger world.

buwaya said...

Thomas Sowell in his "Race and Culture", and lots of others of course (Amy Chua et al.) notes that one coping mechanism for minority cultures is to dominate a certain industry or line of work.

It would have done the Armenians no good to complain to the Turks about injustice. So in Ottoman times the Armenians were bankers and traders, the Jews of Turkey (Turkish Jews were mainly in the Balkans). For a few centuries anyway it kept the Turco-Kurdish wolf from the door.

So with black Americans. Just a suggestion, make it popular to pursue military careers and interests, become a warrior-caste. Fill the black media with discussions of that field. Pursue military and combative skills. That won't make people rich, but it will make them collectively significant.

William said...

I wonder how long Stormy Daniels' kids can avoid knowing she's a pornstar? Do the children of pornstars catch a lot of flack from the other kids? It can't be a good thing, but I've never heard of any scandals about them. If they did anything notably praiseworthy, they probably wouldn't talk about it. I'd like to get a Carnegie grant to study how the children of pornstars turn out versus the children of Carnegie grant winners.

mockturtle said...

Is it true that Crack lives in California? Then he should get his sorry ass out of there. His attitude would improve drastically.

n.n said...

Do what you can, when you can, if you can... within reason. Maybe guys should ditch the shorts. It's a small sacrifice. Any seconds? There is only one who counts.

The Crack Emcee said...

buwaya said...

"The insistence of black writers, etc. to focus on "black" vs everything else, is at least collectively, counterproductive in the extreme."

Do you guys EVER look at white people and find faults? Because not doing so enough is one of your biggest ones.

"Now, how do other cultural minorities handle this?"

Wait - you're going to compare the coping mechanisms of people thrown together through slavery with those who aren't going through that experience - as though they're the same?

You guys ARE crazy.

The Crack Emcee said...

mockturtle said...

"Is it true that Crack lives in California? Then he should get his sorry ass out of there. His attitude would improve drastically."

I lived in Utah for 5 years - it's got one of the biggest cults in America and they called me at work, attempting to recruit me, on only my second day of work at the new job.

I'm back in California, thanks.

You guys are really smug for folks who don't know shit.

The Crack Emcee said...

buwaya said...

"Thomas Sowell in his "Race and Culture", and lots of others of course (Amy Chua et al.) notes that one coping mechanism for minority cultures is to dominate a certain industry or line of work."

Like taking over a stairwell in the projects to rob the resident's of money.

Got that. What else do they suggest?

mockturtle said...

I lived in Utah for 5 years - it's got one of the biggest cults in America and they called me at work, attempting to recruit me, on only my second day of work at the new job.

I'm back in California, thanks.


The whole state of California is a cult!

mockturtle said...

You guys are really smug for folks who don't know shit.

You may know shit, Crack, but you don't know shinola.