... you don't have to tell me a joke. You can talk about whatever you want.
And do think of using the Althouse Portal if you're going to shop on Amazon. Maybe you'd like the kind of hiking boots I just bought.
January 2, 2018
At the Tell-Me-a-Joke Café...
... you don't have to tell me a joke. You can talk about whatever you want.
And do think of using the Althouse Portal if you're going to shop on Amazon. Maybe you'd like the kind of hiking boots I just bought.
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82 comments:
Indeed, I wouldn't dare tell Ann Althouse a joke, for fear of inadvertently destroying her lifelong dream of becoming a comidienne.
Telling jokes is risky.
She doesn't know me.
Note that she says she doesn't know any good jokes, but I didn't ask for good jokes, just jokes. She couldn't take the chance. Had to change my question and then used the changed question to deny me the lightweight satisfaction of hearing a random joke.
According to this Google blog, "ok google" will answer a request for a joke with:
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
Or
What is a sea monster’s favorite snack? Ships and dip.
Or
This might make you laugh. How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.
Better stay on the path with that big loop on the heel just waiting to snag on something.
When did the Althouse banner change?
"Statistics show that in 2017 an American was assaulted every 22 seconds. The good news is, that person, a Mr. Adam Simpson of Madison, Wisconsin, promises to be much more careful when he leaves the house this year."
Does beer make you smart?
I dunno, but it made BudWeiser.
(Over the decades, I've told this joke exclusively to various nephews, nieces and my own children, usually, under the age of 15, who now groan loudly whenever I offer it to a new, unsuspecting victim.)
If you have 30 cows in one field, and 28 chickens in another, how many didn't?
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple, who?
An Apple yesterday, slows the processor today.
Answer: cows don't eat chickens.
The punchline of my favorite joke "Screw your canoes!"
My favorite classic joke from childhood: When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
Nobody eats parsley.
My wife and I have been laughing for days over Yogi Berra's aphorisms.
I was driving home the other day trying to remember his name. I remembered some of the lines but kept blanking out on the name.
When we got home i found it and we have been laughing ever since, She cracks up every day about his comment when a group of naked people ran through the outfield during a game.
"I couldn't tell if they were men or women because they had paper bags over their heads."
He was just a treasure.
"I am not going to buy my kid an encyclopedia. He can walk to school like I did."
One from the vault:
Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners. The cleaner guy is way in the back.
"Yoo hoo ! It's me, Ms Lewinsky. I have a dress to be laundered."
"I can't hear you. Come again ?"
"No, it's gravy this time."
"Ah Paddy, you know that I will. But, Paddy, ye wouldn't be minding if I was to pass it through me first."
Two old boys are sharing a two-holer outhouse.
One finishes his business and gets up. As he does change falls out of his pocket and into the latrine
He pulls up his coveralls , reaches into his pocket and drops a fifty dollar bill into the latrinel
What the hell did you do that for asks the other man
You don't think I'm going down there for fifty cents do you?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Lil' old lady.
Lil' old lady, who?
Hey, I didn't know you could yodel!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Paddy just got a new cell phone, While he was driving down the M3 his wife decided to call him with a warning, she said, "Paddy dear be careful, radio says some idiot is driving the wrong way on the M3." After a moment Paddy replied, "Sure darlin', they all are!"
A good defense attorney can get a sodomy charge reduced to following too closely.
OBE (overtaken by events), a Navy acronym.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who ?
Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger.
A Marine Gunnery Sergeant and a Navy Chief are drinking and swapping lies about which branch is better.
Late in the evening, the Chief proclaims, "You'll not top this. The Navy invented sex."
The Gunny nodded. "You got me there, but the Marines are who introduced it to women"
A French newlywed couple rented a cottage in the UP for a honeymoon. The Finish owner was concerned because they never seemed to go out for food. He knocked them up and asked if they were OK and had enough food. The Man replied, we exist only on the fruits of love. The owner replied, OK but when you eats dem fruits, would you please throw dem wrappers in da bin, da ducks is chokin' on 'em.
This is an actual Garrison Keillor joke, and they say they did not know.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Podesta's password is password.
The Nigerian phishers laughed and laughed and laughed some more.
- - -
Hillary Clinton set up a secret server with classified information in a Water Closet.
Hillary Clinton's Water Closet was drained by Deep Plunger.
And all the Democrats, and all the Pro-Choice Republicans, and the Press, and foreign assets, too, could only project fast and furious.
That's an trans-Obama-era joke with progressive collateral damage.
but it made BudWeiser
Bud. Weiser. Bud. Weiser. Ribbit.
A joke composed by a friend to net.jokes, trying for a claimed extrememly subtle joke that actually has no point. I liked it because it has an interior punchline:
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi were walking down the street and came upon a drunk lying in the gutter.
The priest and the pastor pretended not to notice and walked on but the rabbi stopped to help her.
Later the rabbi caught up with the priest and the pastor.
"They don't make drunks like they used to," the rabbi said.
A read to look forward to in 2018
https://www.amazon.com/President-Carter-White-House-Years/dp/1250104556
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
A man walks into bar and see's a man, about 1 foot tall, playing the piano. "Damn!" He exclaims, "how is this possible ?"
The bartender explains that there is a genie in the back of the bar.
Excited, the man goes into the back of the bar and wishes for "1 million bucks!" , suddenly 1 million ducks fly out of the bar.
"This genie is hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, and I got a million ducks!".
The bartender pauses and says... "Yeah, you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist..."
Michael,
Yogi didn’t say most of the things he said.
It was so cold over New Years that I spotted socialists and Democrats with their hands in their own pockets.
Here's some old favorites:
I was sitting in my yard pulling weeds this morning, when I saw - and heard - a man coming up our street pulling a long heavy chain behind him.
I waited until he got up to our house and called out "Hey buddy, why you pulling that chain?"
He replied "You ever try pushing one of these things?"
We took little brother to town to get him his first suit. When we entered the store, the man in charge looked at us and said sharply "Hey, what're all those spots on that boy's face? If he has the measles don't bring him in here."
Mama said "No mister, we've just been learning him to eat with a fork".
When they were passing out looks, I thought they said books, so I asked for a funny one.
Many thanks and fond memories to the late Minnie Pearl.
A man was a guest at a golf club and, after the round, went for a shower but realized he was in the women's facility. To obscure his identity, he decided to put a towel over his head so no one would see his face. But as he was running out of the locker room, a woman remarked, "He's not my husband!” A second woman chimed in, "He's certainly not mine!" The third one exclaimed, “Hell, he isn't even a member of this club!”
Guy drives into a gas station in a small town with a deer strapped to his car fender.
He asks the attendant, "Do you have a taxidermist in this town ?"
"What's that ?"
"It's a guy who mounts animals."
"Yeah, we've got one of them."
Why do they put fences around graveyards?
People are dying to get in.
Goat joke video
Stop me if you've heard this one. Some joker walks into a Japanese Suicide Forest....
A read to look forward to in 2018
https://www.amazon.com/President-Carter-White-House-Years/dp/1250104556
Now that is how to subtly win a joke thread.
Well played.
I just saw this the other day:
Daley Haggar
@d_haggar
28 Nov 2017
More
It sort of sucks that the only person left who's not afraid to make jokes is Trump.
Stocks are up over 100 points today and that's no joke. I'm still not tired of all the winning.
I had 2 tickets for the Cleveland Browns game in my car. Someone broke in and left 2 more.
Three guys are discussing what is the greatest invention of all time.
"The radio," says the first. "With a radio, somebody talking hunnerds of miles away, and it sound like he in the next room."
"Naw, the telebision," says the second guy. "With the radio you can just hear the man, but with the telebision you can sees him."
"Not the radio or the telebision," says the third guy. "It the thermos bottle. With the thermos bottle, if you put in something cold, you open it three hours later, and it cold. But if you put in something hot, when you open it three hours later, it hot! . . . How do it know??!!"
Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can't tuna fish!
---------
Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but Peter came in fifth and won a toaster instead.
---------
Say what you want about deaf people...
------------------
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: FSH
-------------
What happens to newlyweds that don’t know the difference between Vaseline and putty?
....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Their window panes fall out.
Curious George.... "F your canoe" always reminds me of "Death... by Punji"
Loved the last joke thread. Most I'd heard, some oldies but goodies that're always worth laughing at again. And occasionally a new one....
"...so he drove her to Long Beach"
My 3 year old's favorite:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
A woman is out gardening in her front yard when she accidentally cut off her cat's tail with her pruning shears. She grabbed the cat and its tail, jumped in her car, and sped off down the road. A mile later she is pulled over and the officer asks her where she is headed to in such a hurry. "Walmart," she replied. "Why are you going to Walmart in such a hurry?" the officer asked. "I cut off my cat's tail and I heard that Walmart is the worlds largest retailer," she responded.
Spinster lady is visited by fairy godmother, who grants her one wish.
She wishes her faithful tomcat to be turned into a handsome prince.
Poof !
She goes to embrace the prince, and he says, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed ?"
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Impatient cow!"
"Impa..."
"MOOOOOOOOOOO!"
There's a monastery in Las Vegas that supports itself by going around to all the local churches and gathering up the gambling chips left in the collection plates and trading them in for cash at the casinos. They call them chip monks.
Every Corpse on Mt. Everest was once an extremely motivated person.
Not a joke, but something worth saying.
Three kids discussing their fathers. First kid says, "My Dad is so fast that he can fire a bullet, and catch the bullet before it reaches the target." Second kid says, "My Dad is so fast that he can turn out the lights, and be in bed before the light leaves the room."
Third kid says, "That's nothing!! My Dad works at Boeing. He gets off work at 4PM, and he's home everyday by 3:45PM."
What's Irish and stays out all summer?
Patio furniture.
I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.
Reverse psychology joke by AA couple of weeks ago:
Inga "Why is everybody always picking on me?"
Althouse: "Because they're men and want attention from a(ny) woman"
I'm waiting for a feminist to tell us That. Is. Not. Funny.
In the meantime, why did the hotel with an atrium decide never to host a chess tournament again?
Because they had had it with chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A Belated Checkmate.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits your windshield?
His asshole.
A Bob Newhart show business joke--could apply in any situation where you need to suck up to the boss. A young production assistant is working on the Dean Martin variety show on TV. His immediate boss asks him to go check out a new singer and see if she will be a good fit for the show. He goes out and sees and hears a performance by Cass Elliot--eventually famous as Mama Cass. He goes back and reports to his boss: I don't think she's right for the show. She has a nice voice, but her looks are all wrong--not that pretty a face,she's big, and she doesn't move in a way that's graceful or even funny. The boss says: in the meantime, Dean went to see her himself, and he says she's perfect for the show. The young man says: You didn't let me finish.
What did Batman say to Robin just before he got into the Batmobile?
"Get in the car Robin."
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?
"Whoa"
This guy from California decides to get out of the city and moves way up into the mountains in Montana.
His nearest neighbor is a couple miles down the road. He's passed the guy in his old pickup, but never met him.
One day the old pickup pulls into the Californian's yard so he goes out onto the porch. The neighbor climbs out and approaches the porch. He's a big, grizzly looking mountain man dressed in worn work clothes.
The neighbor says without preamble, "Havin' a party. Saturday night. Wanna come?"
The guy says, "Sure. I'd love to."
The neighbor says, "Good" and starts back to his truck.
Then he stops, turns around, cocks his head and says, "Might be some drinkin'."
The Californian says, "Sounds good to me."
The neighbor says, "Good" and starts back to his truck.
Then he turns around again and says, "Might be some fightin'."
The Californian says, "I can take care of myself."
The neighbor says,"Good" and starts for his truck.
He stops and turns around again and says, "Might be some fuckin'."
The Californian says, "It sounds like a great party. What should I wear?"
The neighbor says, " Don't make no difference. Just gonna be you and me."
@n.n., just so you groaned appropriately.
Here's one I made up for my kids:
Knock knock,
Who's there?
Stupid interrupting cow.
Stupid interrup...
Woof.
Big Mike:
No groan. I did not groan. I read it once, twice, and thought it was a clever construct. Bravo. And I endeavored to offer a clever compliment.
Man is in the automobile showroom gazing dreamily at a convertible. The salesman approaches. "You thinking about buying this car?"
"I am buying this car," the man says. "I'm thinking about pussy."
I don't tell this one much for obvious reasons. Forgive me.
A man who had just had a sex change operation was being asked by a buddy about it.
"That had to hurt!"
"It did."
"What hurt the worst? When they whacked off your penis?"
"No, that wasn't the worst part."
"Well, was it when they cut the slit?"
"No."
"What hurt the worst then?"
"When they cracked open my skull with a rock and scraped half my brains out!"
Pacwest, That Is Not Funny! [Yes, it is ;-D]
One could also add a punch line: "and the other half were in my dick!"
Bob Boyd, Don Draper's pappy told it better!
Told by a ten year old: What do you call it when Batman and Robin get run over by a steamroller?
Answer: Flatman and Ribbon
Oldest joke I can remember, from when I was four (circa 1946): What is the difference between an airplane and a baby?
Give up? An airplane goes from city to city, a baby goes from titty to titty
Frank and Linda were shopping at the mall. Linda got a bit absorbed in looking at things in the department store and then realized Frank was nowhere to be seen. She called Frank's cell phone to find out where he was.
"Hello?"
"Frank, where are you."
"Oh, well, remember about ten years ago when we were shopping at this very mall -- we went into a small jewelry shop and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? We couldn't afford it at the time, of course..."
Linda's eyes began to tear up, and she struggled to get out the words without choking up: "Yes! Yes, I remember that little jewelry store."
"Well, I'm in the Hooters right next to it."
A priest, a rabbi and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender?"
A penguin is driving down the road when his car breaks down. He gets out of the car and just in the distance he sees a mechanic shop, so the penguin pushes his can to the shop.
When he gets there, the mechanic tells him he'll look it over and tells him to go across the street to the Dairy Queen and gets some ice cream, cause you know, penguins like cold things.
So the penguin walks over to the Dairy Queen and orders a huge bowl of ice cream. After about an hour when he's done the ice cream, he walks over to the shop, where the mechanic tells him "It's all fixed" The penguin asks, "what was wrong?" "You blew a seal" says the mechanic. The penguin pointing to his beak says "No, it's just a little ice cream"
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