A study in the Journal of Consumer Research by Professor Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt found that saying “I don’t” as opposed to “I can’t” allowed participants to extract themselves from unwanted commitments.The most amazing thing about this article is that there isn't one word about how saying no is especially difficult for women. What about the references to "Shonda Rhimes and Tina Fey," who, we're told, have advised "us" to "say yes to everything"? You have to click out of the article to get where you can see if this is special advice to women. I did. It isn't.
While “I can’t” sounds like an excuse that’s up for debate, “I don’t” implies you’ve established certain rules for yourself, suggesting conviction and stability. And since it’s personal, it also maintains the social connection humans crave....
“No, I don’t buy from solicitors” for door-to-door salespeople, for example. “No, I don’t go out during the week” for co-workers who want to go on a drinking binge on a Monday night.
When you have these phrases ready, you don’t have to waste time wavering over an excuse. And you start to develop a reflexive behavior of saying no.
May 8, 2017
How to say no.
That might be a better headline than "Why You Should Learn to Say ‘No’ More Often" for this NYT column by Kristin Wong:
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26 comments:
The most amazing thing about this article is that there isn't one word about how saying no is especially difficult for women.
I have not found this to be true........
I thought women were supposed to lean in.
"No" is a complete sentence. It does not require an explanation. (Especially if you're talking to a teen -- although "Why do you think?" was a good rejoinder in my experience).
Learn the freedom of saying "No". If someone asks "Why Not?" you can ignore them or just shrug and move on.
Gahrie said...
I have not found this to be true........
I wear shorts, and drink beverages through a straw, just to make it easier on them.
That's terrible advice, terrible! "I don't ___________ " makes you sound like an inflexible prig; the kind of self-centered, secretly insecure person who has a policy on everything. Then the kind of person this article warns us of will just debate you on policy Y instead of your reasons for declining specific opportunity X.
@MM
Agree.
Hey Althouse! Wanna grab a sandwich at that new Jimmy John's today at lunch?
No thank you; I don't eat at chain sandwich places.
result: ugh what an uptight snot
Hey Althouse! Wanna grab a sandwich at that new Jimmy John's today at lunch?
No, I'm good; thanks though!
result: a normal pleasant person
Exactly Pants!
Better to say "no" like MM or "won't". If you say you don't go drinking during the week but then go with a different time or group that will cause you problems.
They can smell your intentions. All my friends are heathens
co-workers who want to go on a drinking binge
I self-censored about that frat guy who decided to get falling-down drunk and then fell down and died: I think his death was 99% his fault because he was too lame to say "no". Maybe 99.99%.
...Hagtvedt found that saying “I don’t” as opposed to “I can’t” allowed participants to extract themselves from unwanted commitments.
"If you are thinking of..." ...DON'T
"I don't ___________ " makes you sound like an inflexible prig
It's kind of a half-measure; it only really works if you also refer to yourself in the third person.
"No thank you; Ann Althouse doesn't eat at chain sandwich places."
Paco Wové said...
"No thank you; Ann Althouse doesn't eat at chain sandwich places."
That's what I'll say if someone ever asks me (it could happen!) to eat at a chain sandwich place.
Something I actually wrote to someone today: "These things tend to be set up as pro and con debates, and that’s not what I do."
That's not priggish. That's conveying critique and defining myself.
"Hey Althouse! Wanna grab a sandwich at that new Jimmy John's today at lunch?
I could say: I don't eat lunch.
But then you have to say no to all lunches.
Back in the 80s, I had a problem saying no when asked to lunch and I thought it was dangerous to fumble for appropriate decisions and explanations so I just made a rule to alway say yes. I could write a book about the trouble that got me into. You have no idea!
Ann Althouse said...
"Hey Althouse! Wanna grab a sandwich at that new Jimmy John's today at lunch?
I could say: I don't eat lunch.
You could use a modified version of my excuse:
"No thank you; Fernandinande might be there."
Ann said: " so I just made a rule to always say yes. I could write a book about the trouble that got me into. You have no idea!"
I want to buy that book! (though Ann's Amazon portal)
Is this really a problem?
"Thank you for the lunch invite. To be honest though, I'd rather stab my left eye socket with an oyster fork, then force myself to endure pointless conversation with you, or endure your real-time monologues. So, NO, I can't make it to lunch today."
AA says:
"Back in the 80s, I had a problem saying no when asked to lunch and I thought it was dangerous to fumble for appropriate decisions and explanations so I just made a rule to alway say yes. I could write a book about the trouble that got me into. You have no idea!"
Do blog on this! It sounds like an 80s version of Mad Men, with Don Draper, feathered hair and all, bugging you for business/lunch dates.
As Prof. Althouse kinda says, the problem with phrasing "No" as a self-imposed rule "I don't do X" is that the other person interprets that negative as "I don't ever do X". When in the future that person you turned down finds out that you did X, & matter of fact, often do X, just not with that person, feelings will be hurt. Hurt because you, for all intents & purposes lied.
,
So, if X is bungee jumping, well, then you can get away with "I don't". If X is going to Jimmie Johns, rather than "I don't..." you're really better off saying "Thanks, but I find JJ's sandwiches to be loathsome. Now, fried chicken from Popeyes, you're on!".
When you're in business for yourself, you end up eating lunch with all sorts of people who are clients, would-be clients, vendors, etc. It really is a motley slice of humanity. I never thought that the Southern affability bred into me as a boy would be so socially useful. I mean, in the South, if you can't start a decent conversation with a total stranger, well, you just aren't very good socially, are ya, child? I know that in many parts of the world, e.g. northern Europe, people will stare at you like your a freak if you strike up a conversation with a total stranger, e.g. this Finnish joke:
How can you tell if you're talking to a Finnish extrovert?
Because when you talk to him he stares at your shoes instead of his own.
No viva la sexual revolucion? But abortion. Not the final solution? What other punishments keep you bitter, clinging, and insensitive to "Yes. We can"?
Something I actually wrote to someone today: "These things tend to be set up as pro and con debates, and that’s not what I do."
That's not priggish. That's conveying critique and defining myself.
That's different and entirely acceptable and respectable. That's defining your work as opposed to your more small scale and personal preferences, which is the kind of thing this article is about. I know all kinds of people who are all I don't PTA or I don't watch TV or I don't high-fructose corn syrup and while those are all fine choices to make, they sound like supercilious snots when they make pronouncements like that.
Pro-tip, NYT readers who are still learning that graciousness opens doors: if you must decline someone's invitation to share an experience with you, you can turn it down for any reason you want, including no reason at all, but please understand that belittling something that another person values with your attitude will not help you win friends and influence people.
Also I think categorical declines to prevent future awkward invitations are ok, but be tactful. Like, not, "I don't PTA" when the nice lady invites you to a meeting, but "You guys do such important work and I'd love to be involved, but my plate is a bit overfull at the moment and I can't give it the attention it deserves. I'll let you know if I can jump in at some point in the future!"
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