February 19, 2015

"I look at Rutherford B. Hayes, and all I see is beard. So I just tried to rank him based on his beard. (His beard is great!)"

From "The Presidents of the United States in Order of Hotness."

AND: I got a big laugh out of #24: "What’s not to love about a corrupt bad boy who plays by his own rules? He’s like the James Dean of presidents!"

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like, "I deliberately cropped this photo so you could all have the feeling of being uncomfortably close to Bill Clinton's face."

Bob Ellison said...

The author should do a ranking of Supreme Court justices past and present.

Nonapod said...

I'm glad we're focusing on what's important. Ugly people should never be POTUS.

tim in vermont said...

For that matter, has anybody seen Andrew Johnson and Tommy Lee Jones in the same room?

Wilbur said...

This was terrific. Thanks, Miz A.

EDH said...

John Adams worst, really?

CWJ said...

Wow. The big losers included Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

The Cracker Emcee said...

Love the Cleveland Brown where Rollo finds out there have been no Black presidents. "Rutherford B. Hayes? Surely he was a brother?".

Anonymous said...

"Rutherford B. Hayes? Surely he was a brother?"

You say this cat Taft is a baaaaad mutha?

rehajm said...

Fillmore = Alec Baldwin. Heh.

The Best Scooby-Doo villain? Tyler

JSD said...

James Polk - Robert Vaughn, Man From UNCLE

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

That sort of gay stereotyping ought not to be encouraged.

Brill said...

That's actually a very complimentary photo of #24.

Quaestor said...

Interesting that the hottest POTUS was Franklin Pierce, who was the worst prez before Jimmah Cahtah. Now he's the third worst.

Some of those smiles are creamed bullshit on toast, aren't they? Nixon's smile is like Dracula preparing to bite. Jimmah Cahtah smiles like a beauty queen on Quaaludes. Obama's predatory smile of conquest hasn't been equalled since Hitler at Compiègne.

Hayes' beard is ridiculous. Imagine having to eat through that thing. Worse yet, imagine Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes having to kiss the mouth that eats through that thing.

Quaestor said...

The biggest bullshit beamer is worn by Mr. Hillary Rodham. That's no smile, that's a leer. He's King Leer.

He must be red-faced with suppressed fury at the suggestion he's less hot than GWB or Lord Zero.

lemondog said...

Where would President Walker rank?

Polk of the bulbous forehead? Uh, uh.

Both Reagan and Carter should be ranked higher.

Harding....Oh puleeeeeze

The Godfather said...

And speaking of James Garfield . . . .

I just finished Candice Millard's "Destiny Of The Republic", about the Garfield assassination. An EXCELLENT book! We all know that Garfield was the second American president to be assassinated, but we mostly don't know much more about him. This book will correct that deficiency.

And Ms. Millard's previous book, "The River Of Doubt", about TR's exploration of a South American river after his failure to be elected president as the Bull Moose candidate, is one of the best non-fiction books I've read recently.

cassandra lite said...

"What’s not to love about a corrupt bad boy who plays by his own rules? He’s like the James Dean of presidents!"

That describes at least a dozen of them.

Birches said...

Nixon was ranked faaaaaar too high.

That Millard Fillmore joke was winning and the JQA caption was also lol.

MrCharlie2 said...

hold on there, we never elected Gerald Ford, wtf

MrCharlie2 said...

ps, I second the godfather

Michael K said...

I wasted 30 seconds of my life looking at that link. Thanks a bunch.

Chuck said...

This is why I so dearly love the segments on Bill O'Reilly's Fox News Channel program that are handed over to Jesse Watters and his "Watters' World" producers.

I just love seeing millennials and members of the "suspect classification" interest groups, in liberal settings like Democratic conventions, union meetings and liberal campuses stumble over things like the names of U.S. presidents.

Kelly said...

Tommy Lee Jones looks like Andrew Johnson. The FDR bit was funny. Watch it or he'll "stack your Supreme Court" as the kids say.

Birches said...

Just put the book on hold at the library, Godfather.

JSD said...

James Polk really kicked some ass during his term. Annexed Texas; invaded and occupied Mexico to acquire California and strong armed Great Britain into conceding Oregon. We could really get shit done back in the day.

David said...

The young Dwight Eisenhower was movie star handsome. The strains of responsibility (and a lifetime of smoking) eroded some of his appeal, as did later health issues. But if you are ranking these men at their prime, Eisenhower has to be near the top.

David said...

Chester Arthur must have had something going. He had an extraordinarily pretty wife. http://www.history.com/photos/chester-a-arthur

PuertoRicoSpaceport.com said...

Godfather,

Thanks for reminding me about the Garfield book. I just downloaded the sample for my Kindle and read it at dinner. Sounds great so far and I am going to buy and read the whole thing.

Re the River of Doubt bu the same author: I had read the sample a year or two back and it was OK but I wound up reading Theodore Roosevelt's book on the journey. Available free for the Kindle.

One of the things I still remember is how he visited a Brazilian snake herpetarium(?). TR was a pretty serious naturalist and loved snakes. He tells of handling some particularly venomous snake that would have killed him had it bitten. He let it crawl up his sleeve and crawl around in his shirt. He said that they seldom bite so he was not worried.

I was thinking of an modern ex-prez with the secret service. They would have had a fit!

For those unfamiliar with TR, he wrote, in the sense that they were in his own hand, not ghosted, a dozen or so books. I've read several and he is a helluva good writer.

I am currently about a quarter of the way into Vol 1 of his 4 volume set on the American expansion into the west. Very interesting and very readable. Free from Amazon for Kindle.

TR was not much of a president but he was one hell of a guy.

We could say the same about Herbert Hoover, too.

John Henry

Anonymous said...

Only men with small dicks grow a beard. Real men don't need to overcompensate in that manner.

robinintn said...

What an odd thing to say about James Dean. His whole point is incorruptability.

The Godfather said...

BTW, for those who take my advice to read the book about Garfield's murder: Don't read it when you're sick.

Laslo Spatula said...

"What an odd thing to say about James Dean. His whole point is incorruptability."

James Dean's whole thing was anal sex. Anal sex and Eiizabeth Taylor. And Montgomery Clift. And Sal Mineo.

It is why Natalie Wood chose to drown herself.

Also: sausage patties.

I am Laslo.

Gusty Winds said...

Warren G. Harding should be #1. First President elected with women in the voting booth. Elected for his good looks; disastrous Presidency.

Reagan at #14 is too low. Recently it has been established he actually bedded Doris Day before marrying Nancy, and kept a highly active Hollywood golden era love shack.

Clinton was just another Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" landing any fish in a broadly cast net. But considering Hillary....

William said...

Washington was considered not just the best looking, but also the most impressive looking man of his day. You just had to look at him to know who was in charge. He should be ranked higher than Jefferson or any of the other Prezes from that generation. He was John Wayne to their Montgomery Clift. Washington is always under esteemed........Reagan was a movie star for God's sake. He also should be ranked higher........JFK has the distinction of being the only President who is better looking than the actors who play him in biopics.......Presidents who came to office during the early days of photography suffer from a disadvantage. The camera hadn't learned to lie and very little was known about make up in those primitive days. .

Julie C said...

I think Ulysses S. Grant is quite good looking.

Just bought the Garfield book and enjoying it so far. Thanks Godfather!

Kyzernick said...

Methinks madisonfella has yet to hit puberty. Serious case of beard envy, worst I've seen in a while.

It's okay boy, your face will be fuzzy soon. Gotta let your voice deepen first.

furious_a said...

Rutherford B. Hayes acquired a new hotness ever since Pres. Obumbo beclowned himself trying to use him as a comic prop.

Hayes was also a Union colonel (23d Ohio), leading from the front and wounded three times in battle including a musketball that broke his left arm. Stud.

Bricap said...

Beards rule!

tim in vermont said...

Only men with small dicks grow a beard.

But everything she says about Scott Walker is gospel.

EMD said...

Rutherford B. Hayes acquired a new hotness ever since Pres. Obumbo beclowned himself trying to use him as a comic prop.

I read that entire piece and thought "who in f throws 19th century Presidents under the bus?"

Oh, this administration does. Cuz he's the Preezy, don't you know.

The hubris of youth knows no bounds.

I've lived in Delaware, Ohio, not too far from Hayes High School.

sonicfrog said...

-Wake up, President Van Buren! It’s time to pose for your portrait!
—Huh? What? OK, go ahead–I’m ready.
—Do you want me to give you a minute to, uh, comb your sideburns?
—No.

:-)

Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

Good choice, Pierce. Pierce was N. Hawthorne's roommate at Bowdoin; the two became "fast friends," and decades later, Pierce died in Hawthorne's arms. (I've said that before in this venue, but it bears continual repetition.) Pierce was at the bottom of his class. Hawthorne wrote of his own experience, "I was educated (as the phrase is) at Bowdoin College. I was an idle student, negligent of college rules and the Procrustean details of academic life, and preferred to nurse my own fancies than to dig into Greek roots and be numbered among the learned Thebans." That's just the way students on spring break in 2015 would put it! Truly he was our contemporary.

Hawthorne wrote Pierce's campaign biography -- "reluctantly" -- although he opposed Pierce's pro-slavery views. It didn't turn out as well as The Scarlet Letter, but it earned him a consulate in London.

A lot of those old guys were considerably more fun than we assume. Hawthorne and his best friend Melville were both extremely good-looking. (I'm just saying!)

I'd want to look like #6, Grant. That is an ultra-cool photo.

~ Gordon Pasha said...

When TR was VP he went mountain lion hunting in Colorado. When a lion came down from a tree he lep upon its back and stabbed it to death with his Tiffany silvered handled Bowie knife. Hi on the badass scale.

ken in tx said...

My mother said she voted for Kennedy because he was good looking. More evidence that women should not be allowed to vote.