I should have known it was a bad idea [to be a male matchmaker for female clients] when I was called by New York City's most iconic matchmaker to have lunch so she could welcome me into the business. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Honey please tell me that women aren't going to be your paying clients... are they?" I paused for a second and said, "yes they are because I truly want to help women meet the right men and also stay away from guys that aren't serious about being in committed relationships." She simply looked at me and said." You will put a gun in your month in the first six months of your business. I [won't] take women as clients, I have an assistant herd them into a database and exclusively have men as my paying clients." I was shocked, and wondered if this could... be true? Nah! She foreshadowed the reality of my idealistic vision for this business. One of my biggest regrets is ignoring her advice....
November 18, 2014
"I am simultaneously aggravated, outraged and bewildered by this woman's allegations and her lack of awareness of what truly transpired."
Writes Matt Titus, the NYC matchmaker sued by one of his clients:
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The "herd" mentality. So may we assume that the real war on women has it's roots in the "Feminine Mystique? No mystery there! Putting "gun to your mouth" when trying to appease a woman in a commercial situation coming from a woman is priceless.
I hope he advises the males in the process on what would be an appropriate shirt. Cannot. Let. It. Go.
And here i always thought Titus was gay. Who'd have thunk :)
Finding love for unlovable women is a rickety business plan. At best.
It is easier to pimp sex than love. It is also simpler to set pricing.
Self correcting problems. I like it.
How do you feel about Jack Lalanne now, honey?
It's grifters all the way down.
I once had some friends set me up on a blind date. Very pretty woman, nice dinner conversation, but a horrible blowjob. Did I blame my friends for the horrible blowjob? Damn right I did. Do your research, people.
The matchmaker needs an editor.
Then let the editor write a column.
"The matchmaker needs an editor."
I liked "roll play."
"I [won't] take women as clients, I have an assistant herd them into a database and exclusively have men as my paying clients."
Is that to avoid, among other things, being sued by women who are dissatisfied clients?
Yet, can't she be sued just like the cake makers and the wedding venues that won't service same-sex weddings as clients?
If she can write-off an entire class as clients because of their sex, why can't a business deny service because of a specific behavior (i.e., marrying someone of the same sex)?
A woman is at the beach with her little nephew. While she sets up on a towel to sunbathe and read, the kid goes out in the surf on his paddle board.
After a while she looks up and notices the nephew has gotten way out there. He's beyond the surf line and appears to be struggling. As she watches, his board goes over and she sees his little arms waving frantically. Then all she can see is the paddle board.
The woman leaps up screaming for the the life guard who comes running. She points at the empty board and the life guard runs into the ocean. He dives, swims, fights his way through the crashing surf and out to the paddle board. Countless times he dives and surfaces until finally he comes up with the clearly unconscious child. The exhausted lifeguard manages to bring the kid back, drags him out of the water and begins mouth to mouth. The kid is blue and cold , but the lifeguard doesn't give up. This goes on for a seeming eternity as the woman looks on with her hands over her mouth, moaning. A sizable crowd has formed a ring.
Finally, the kid begins to cough and choke. Soon he is breathing raggedly and trying to sit up. The woman throws herself to her knees and hugs the kid, weeping with relief.
The crowds cheers. They grab the lifeguard, pounding him on the back and hoisting him to their shoulders.
He is proclaimed a true hero.
After a while the emotions subside and the crowd drifts away. As the lifeguard starts back to his chair he feels a hand on his shoulder and turns. Its the woman holding her nephew by the hand. She says to the life guard, "He had a hat."
Phew. That was long.
I never used a matchmaking service but in the 10 years I was single after my wife died I met some bat shit crazy women. Also some extremely nice and attractive ones. Some lovable (though not by me) and some you wondered how anyone could love them (since they seemed not to like anyone very much.)
Fortunately I eventually found a great woman. That has made a huge difference in my life. No wonder people keep looking and are so disappointed when they can't find.
If I were to go into the matchmaking business with a female client list my first step would be to have all the female clients practice their blowjob skills on me until they get it not just 'good' but 'exceptional'. Practice makes perfect, etc.
I realize this may take some time but the results will be worth it, and I am patient. The women will realize that once they are known for their exceptional fellatio technique there will be a large group of men ready and waiting to go out on a date, and will even be willing to feign interest in conversation.
After they have honed their blowjob skills they will be taught how to make a great sandwich. Icing on the cake.
I am Laslo.
Of course -- as a matchmaker -- I won't just set the women up with any man who walks in the door. I will have carefully catalogued the men's interests and divide them into the following groups:
Those who prioritize a great blowjob over a great sandwich.
Those who prioritize a great sandwich over a great blowjob.
Those who consider themselves good either way.
Possibly gay men who haven't come to terms with their sexuality yet.
I will set the latter up with the women who just want a companion to go shopping with.
BB,
That was brilliant. I relayed it to my wife. She didn't get the joke.
If, as a matchmaker, I WERE to take on male clients I would instruct all the men to commit to cunnilingus: goose, gander, etc.
Now -- of course -- I wouldn't expect them to have to practice or anything: my understanding is that they don't have to be any good at it, just doing it all is what matters.
I am Laslo.
@Cracker
Exactly.
Many men in Hollywood also won't have women assistants. Because they end up getting sued all the time.
It seems the. That there are a good chunk of women who should not be hired, dated or dealt with in any way by any man. And frankly by many women. If men didn't need holes to stick their penises in, would they deal with women at all? That is actually an indictment of both men and women.
If a man insisted on becoming better at cunnilingus -- ha ha, I know -- I would instruct him to go to a Mexican restaurant: all the basic techniques can be learned there:
Tickle the tomato in the taco.
Lick the sour cream from the end of the burrito.
Stretch the cheese in the enchilada.
Suckle the salsa with a finger in the refried beans.
Finally: for the absolutely remedial clients I will start them off easy, at a donut shop.
I am Laslo.
Her injury is thanks to the women's movement. She has been conditioned to believe that she can 'have it all,' with no tradeoffs. There is an opportunity cost in being focused on career.
Herding the women into a database is the up-to-date way of doing things. Herding them into binders is strictly old-school.
I make efforts to instruct my teenage son, who seems to be popular with the girls, on how important it is to avoid the bunny-boilers.
Designing a business that preys on women's insecurities and attracts the bunny-boilers is insanity.
This guy got what he deserved. He is not innocent here. The column seems like his attempt to gain sympathy, but it simply exposes his self-delusions.
I liked "roll play."
Sex harassment and rolls really should not go together.
Roll-playing is what these ladies wanted!
Potentially interesting, but I found the piece repetitive and tiresomely self-pitying.
And the guy sounds more than a little naive, if he's to be taken seriously. Agrees to role-play a sexual harassment scenario, and is blindsided when he's secretly recorded? I hope his subtly Tony Soprano girlfriend slapped him around a little after bailing his ass out of that situation.
Can you buy professional insurance for this kind of thing?
Matchmaker Malpractice Insurance?
This guy is a fucking whiner. Read the whole thing.
Who did he think his clients were going to be?
His efforts to avoid getting a real job while still raking in beaucoup bucks has led directly to this, a perpetual pity-party centered around servicing shrill psycho supplicants. With reality TV thrown in to make it even more degrading to all involved.
I feel degraded even typing about it.
I would hope he would have a page of disclaimers that he would make new clients sign - things like "I can't make someone want you." And "You understand that you're paying for services rendered, not for results." It wouldn't prevent craziness, but at least they couldn't claim they weren't told.
The industry itself is an offer to do the impossible. The only reason anyone thinks it will work is that the fees are so high it implies they have success. But in reality it is like sweat lodge weekends or astrology readings.
Wow. I guess the Huffington Post allows anybody to take up space?
What a whiner. You own a business. People in business get sued sometimes. Deal with it.
He's pissed because one of his clients got married and didn't thank him. Dude! You got paid didn't you? That's your thanks right there.
Not knowing the details of the lawsuit, it's hard to tell if it has any merit. If he made certain deceptive representations and fell short, then I could see a case based on fraud.
I've never tried matchmaking or even online dating (I was about to try the latter when I met and started dating the woman I'm now married to) but I always figured the big draw was that both parties involved are at least interested enough to meet. Sure, you have no way of knowing they'll have chemistry, and tastes can be peculiar--but that's the case in general as well. Improve your odds by making yourself a more desireable person, and try to learn from your mistakes.
Boom, now I'm a matchmaking expert.
"After they have honed their blowjob skills they will be taught how to make a great sandwich. Icing on the cake."
All this blow job talk reminds of the story, allegedly true, about a woman who used breath mints on a date and the next morning the guy called her office and left a voicemail about what a terrific blowjob that was last night.
I'd think any personal-service business would make it clear to potential clients just what is offered (and what is not), and what expectations are reasonable.
If you're at best a "5" and you won't settle for less than "9," or if only 0.000001% of the population meets your criteria, then you'll almost certainly be disappointed.
Is the matchmaker so untalented, or so desperate for business, as to be unwilling or unable to refuse clients who will not relinquish unreasonable expectations?
Then again, "matchmaking" is like "counseling" in that there are few objective criteria to determine whether practitioners are any good at it. Perhaps potential clients should consider this (along with Sturgeon's Law) when deciding whether to buy this service.
Laslo Spatula said...
Finding love for unlovable women is a rickety business plan. At best.
By comparison, training in EOD and shipping out to the Middle East to defuse Improvised Explosive Devices sounds like a safer career choice.
..I truly want to help women meet the right men and also stay away from guys that aren't serious about being in committed relationships..
First mistake right there.
Listening to whining like this guy is doing makes me want to punch him in the face.
Grow up dude. Clients are going to be unhappy and they are going to sue you. No one promised you, when you started a business, that all would be smooth sailing.
My sympathy meter here is pegged at "don't care" for this guy.
On the other hand, Ladies, It's Time To Take Responsibility For Your Own Failed Relationships
I'm struggling to understand the difference between a matchmaker, and a pimp? I'm thinking it may be a matter of skin color.
Somehow he never met one of the permanently aggrieved before this.
When I was a kid a half century ago, I had a little booklet about raising Australian parakeets. There was a chapter on breeding the birds in very large cages with multiple pairs. The advice was to always add an extra male to the cage, because nothing could be more disruptive than an un-mated female.
My father wanted to divorce his first wife (not my mother). He told me a lawyer friend advised him to take a mistress. A woman, he said, can handle a man leaving her for someone else, but she can't handle simply being left.
Apparently a lot of women seriously need someone to blame.
the matchmaker needs an editor...
I was a little confused at the phrase "put a gun in your month".
I feel ashamed. I introduced blowjobs and cunnilingus into this post but neglected to mention anal sex. I will do better next time.
For gold-diggers anal sex is the new fellatio. Fellatio is the new French kiss. Felching, however, is still felching.
"He told me a lawyer friend advised him to take a mistress."
I hope this wasn't intended as legal advice.
"He told me a lawyer friend advised him to take a mistress. A woman, he said, can handle a man leaving her for someone else, but she can't handle simply being left"
This may be the worst advice I've ever heard.
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