August 23, 2014

I encounter 5 items of celebrity news.

1. The snake that bit one of the dancers in a rehearsal of the Nicki Minaj song "Anaconda" was a "boa constrictor named Rocky who has been in the entertainment business for 15 years." A boa constrictor is not an anaconda, but the snake had no way to know the song was celebrating some other species of snake. Nor do I think the snake could take offense at the lyrics and think something like: That's all I am to you, something that reminds you of a body part of one of your kind, not as a unique individual with many facets to my serpentine being other than serving as a hyperbolic metaphor for the human penis? Do you even know about the snake's penis? Am I simply a big penis to you? Do you even know who I am? I am Rocky, a veteran of 15 years in the entertainment business! I think a boa constrictor bites when it feels threatened, so if the 15-years-in-the-entertainment-business snake bit a dancer, he must have felt really scared. He doesn't know his name is Rocky, a name that connotes a tough guy. He's just a snake. He doesn't know what snakes mean to us, and he's not really in the business, is he? Not from his perspective. He's not getting any coins, as Nicky might put it. He's a confused, frightened creature in an incomprehensible environment, fighting for survival. And that's our favorite phallic symbol.

2. Jennifer Lopez says: "I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that — that’s not my thing." Is she calling other ladies "whores"? Is that allowed these days? She used "whore" as a verb, naming the action, not the person. That might be a love-the-sinner/hate-the-sin kind of attitude, but then she didn't ever say whoring around is bad, only that it's not her "thing." Do your own thing. That's what we said in the 60s, often along with its corollary: Let it all hang out. The Isley Brothers sang: "It's your thing/Do what you wanna do/I can't tell you/Who to sock it to." Some people — like Jennifer Lopez — find that their thing is having sex with their own spouse. No judgment. It's all good. You whores.

3. That bad old billionaire racist Donald Sterling had fallen out of the news, and here's V. Stiviano rescuing him from that fate and averring that the old man is gay and she was his beard. This is not attention whoring — is that word permissible? — because Stiviano is fighting against a lawsuit filed against her by Sterling's wife Shelly, who accuses her of being "a thief and an embezzler," which provides the basis for a counterclaim of defamation.

4. To stop his descent into into a condition I think is called Jack Nicholsonism, Leonardo DiCaprio must lose 10 pounds. "He has given up pasta – and he loves pasta... He also plans on working out more and he is taking his bike wherever he goes." DiCaprio is about to turn 40, and his girlfriend is a 21-year-old model named Toni Garrn, who apparently either wants to make very sure we pronounce the "r" in her name or is a pirate. We're told of Garrrrrn that "Of course she doesn’t care" that Leo is fat. Why would Leo be with anyone who would say she cares that he's fat when he's fat? I love you just the way you are. That's what Billy Joel sang, back in 1979, stealing, he admits, the last line of the 4 Seasons song "Rag Doll," which was inspired by a squeegee-man girl who extracted $20 from Bob Gaudio. Did Joel have any particular person in mind? Yeah. His first wife, and she didn't even like the song. Joel went through 2 more wives, including a 23-year-old that he married when he was 55. Oh, but don't be too mean to Mr. Joel. He has "battled depression for many years," and once tried to kill himself by drinking furniture polish. Furniture polish? "It looked tastier than bleach." But good luck to DiCaprio, whether he chooses to remain boyishly cute or become the jolly rouĂ©. Flabby or toned, he'll always be cuter than Billy Joel, and good for him for never divorcing anyone. He has never married.

5. Speaking of fat, Warner Brothers is in trouble for "fat shaming" in its new direct-to-video Scooby-Doo movie "Frankencreepy." Some curse causes Daphne Blake to go from size 2 to size 8, but size 8 is depicted more like size 22, and Tom Burns of The Good Men Project writes: "It's sad to think that my daughter can’t even watch a cartoon about a dog solving mysteries without negative body stereotypes being thrown in her face." But apparently, there's an argument that the curse is that each character loses what she (or he) is most afraid to lose, and the only reason Daphe loses her fine figure is that she's too damned in love with it in the first place. This notion of curses tailored to each psyche is familiar. In one of my favorite movies, "The Witches of Eastwick," Satan (the above-mentioned Jack Nicholson) curses the various women with their own fears, and in the case of Cher, the fear is snakes. Watch Cher wake up in a bedful of snakes. Can somebody check the IMDB page on those snakes? I want to know how long they've been in the entertainment business and what are their degrees of separation from Rocky?

52 comments:

surfed said...

The Hombres - Let it All Hang Out 1965.

SGT Ted said...

Complaints of "fat shaming" are simply efforts to police speech by the usual cultural bullies.

Meade said...

I have had it with these fat celebrity m***********g snakes on this m***********g blog!

SteveR said...

Thanks for posting, now that I'm all caught up with celebrities, back to real life.

Saint Croix said...

he'll always be cuter than Billy Joel

Maybe, but who wants to be cute when you can be awesome.

Be said...

Am currently listening to cricket songs slowed down to "human speed," and thinking that it reminds me of "You can't always get what you want."

Hagar said...

Madame feels a little waspish today?

Freeman Hunt said...

Before I had children, I read about ball pythons, thought they sounded interesting, and bought one. This conversation happened a lot:

"Wow! *You* have a pet snake."
"Yes, it's interesting. I don't know that it's a pet so much as something to observe."
"You don't take it out and hold it."
"Never."
"Never?"
"Never. I only take it out to clean the enclosure."
"That's so sad!"
"The snake doesn't think so!"

Freeman Hunt said...

I don't have the python anymore. I gave it away after becoming a parent, which was the plan all along.

Gordon said...

"It's sad to think that my daughter can’t even watch a cartoon about a dog solving mysteries without negative body stereotypes being thrown in her face."

It's sad to think Tom's daughter has a father who could utter this sentence. Is it too early to consider foster care?

Freeman Hunt said...

"It's sad to think that my daughter can’t even watch a cartoon about a dog solving mysteries without negative body stereotypes being thrown in her face."

You watched a direct to video Scooby-Doo movie, and now you want to complain about standards? Dude, please.

St. George said...

"I weary of the chase. Wait for me. I shall be merciful and quick," said the captain of the Gorn ship to James T. Kirk.

EDH said...

Kicking back: Leo's current vacation is nicely timed between movie projects, and will next start work on The Ballad of Richard Jewel.

Maybe that weight gain is for the part?

And speaking of method acting and pronouncing your "Rs", Herrre's Johnny Depp in character when he was in Boston recently filming the Whitey Bulger movie, "Black Mass". (Oddly, Ed McMahon was from the Boston area, as were Leo and Jack's characters in "The Departed", "loosely" based on Whitey Bulger.)

I think Depp's make-up is pretty good.

Skeptical Voter said...

Ms. Althouse you're on a roll with this post. You start with a biting snake, do a little pop psychoanalysis on that. Then you talk about people who are probably best left unmentioned-De Caprio, Jennifer Lopez, Billy Joel etc.

Aside from the snake, you've wasted your morning.

I like your law review articles on federalism better.

fivewheels said...

Y'know, one of J-Lo's early starring roles was in the terrible 1997 movie "Anaconda." By the next year, she was in her short-lived phase of being in good movies, such as Soderbergh's "Out of Sight," in which "It's Your Thing" is prominently featured. Fun flick.

Anonymous said...

Althouse pulls off a "Rocky the Hollywood Boa Constrictor says" and does a damn fine job of it. Then Freeman Hunt talks about having had a ball python. I frankly don't know what to do. And for some reason this comes to mind.

Ann Althouse said...

"Y'know, one of J-Lo's early starring roles was in the terrible 1997 movie "Anaconda." By the next year, she was in her short-lived phase of being in good movies, such as Soderbergh's "Out of Sight," in which "It's Your Thing" is prominently featured."

I love accidental chiming like that. I'd have put it in the post if it had been in my memory to retrieve. I saw "Out of Sight," years ago, but didn't remember that "Thing" was in it. As for "Anaconda," I missed that one.

Ann Althouse said...

Hey, Skeptical, "on a roll" is a positive expression. You got my hopes up and then dashed them, shattered them into tiny fragments, like Scott Walker's prospects for the GOP presidential nomination, according to the NYT. That was so wrong.

On so many levels.

Anonymous said...

RE: "I love accidental chiming like that."

Please don't let this be a typo. I like the bell echo quality.

Anonymous said...

Nude Woman with a Snake says:

What are YOU looking at? Yes, it is a snake. It is MY snake. Yes I am naked, and have the snake draped around me: it is a statement. Don't just stand there: eat an apple.

exhelodrvr1 said...

A pickup with a black flag on it and three ISIS members inside left the Syrian border at 9:15 a.m local time headed for Dahuk, Kurdistan, travelling at a consistent speed of 46 mph. On the same highway, another pickup with a black flag and four ISIS members inside left Dahuk at 9:46 a.m. local time for the Syrian border, travelling at a consistent speed of 52 mph. Should President Obama use a five iron or a six iron from the tee of the Par 3 15th?

Anonymous said...

Nude Woman with a Snake says:

With my snake draped over me I find have no need for clothing. In fact, clothed people without snakes strike me as rather silly. That fig leaf is exceptionally silly. And -- yes -- your penis will seem quite small in comparison.

Ann Althouse said...

betamax3000 said... "Althouse pulls off a 'Rocky the Hollywood Boa Constrictor says' and does a damn fine job of it. Then Freeman Hunt talks about having had a ball python. I frankly don't know what to do. And for some reason this comes to mind."

That photo was taken in 1981, when Nastassja Kinski was 20. Her father, the great actor Klaus Kinski terrified her. Asked after his death what she'd say to him now if she could, she said: "I would do anything to put him behind bars for life. I am glad he is no longer alive." She denies the rumor that she had a sexual relationship with Roman Polanski when she was 15 (and he was 43). And she has a daughter named Kenya Julia Miambi Sarah Jones. Jones, for Quincy Jones, who is the father. She has 2 other children, with Ibrahim Moussa, and here's a picture of them.

Ann Althouse said...

It's not a typo.

Ann Althouse said...

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold


In the next post, I refer to my favorite Doors song. It's not the snake-lake-old-cold one.

Anonymous said...

Re: "In the next post, I refer to my favorite Doors song. It's not the snake-lake-old-cold one."

Might not make it there for awhile. Still dealing with the ramifications of Freeman Hunt's snake owning.

Anonymous said...

Oscar winners do it, too.

fivewheels said...

Still the all-time champ, though, right?

The Godfather said...

The J-lo business reminded me of one of my pet peeves. When a man or woman has had a "relationship" with another person ("relationship" seems to mean that they have had sex with each other for more time than a "hook-up") and they split, he or she is now said to be "single". That used to mean "not married", but they were never married. When you broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend they used to say you were "available" or something like that, and if you had been married and were now divorced you might be said to be "single" or (more likely) "single again".

Now, I happen to be a supporter of marriage, including second marriages, but except under extraordinary circumstances, being "married" three times by the time you're 45 and working on number four really isn't being married. It may be different from "whoring around", but it isn't marriage.

Now as for Leo (I call him that not because I know him on a first name basis, but because I'm damned if I'm going to type out his full name), if he really is 10 lbs overweight, at 6' tall he's not "fat". He probably won't be a threat to Hugh Jackman's "Wolverine" franchise, but he's not ready for the Charles Laughton roles. And by the way, fat or not, he's as good an actor as Laughton, so he should have a long career ahead of him.

Anonymous said...

RE: "I don't have the python anymore. I gave it away after becoming a parent, which was the plan all along."

I would venture that most people would say something along the lines of "I gave it away after having a child..."

Anyone (almost) can have a child; not everyone who has a child chooses to actually become a parent.

The word precision caught my ear. Not unlike a snake bite.

Anonymous said...

Except for time, I've never been able to grasp the difference between polygamy, which is a commitment to multiple women simultaneously, and the current state of society, which is to get rid of someone first, before you start screwing someone new.

It seems to me that commitment is better. And yet, we see ourselves as morally superior to those who came before us because they were accepting of polygamy, but not of whoring around. Whereas we reject polygamy, but accept whoring around.

Backwards.

Titus said...

Someone blew me once and when I whipped it out he said, "nice snake".

I have had many blow jobs.

tits.

Titus said...

He would not let me blow either. He kept squeezing the tip so I would not blow.

There is a name for that but I can't remember what it is called.

Oh, i just remember ediging!!!

Edging is hot!!!

Ann Althouse said...

"Still the all-time champ, though, right?"

I thought that was going to go here.

Ann Althouse said...

"Now, I happen to be a supporter of marriage, including second marriages, but except under extraordinary circumstances, being "married" three times by the time you're 45 and working on number four really isn't being married. It may be different from "whoring around", but it isn't marriage."

It's the old-fashioned approach that I think some old stars did. They married a lot, but they were less promiscuous than some people who never married. I think Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor or somebody claimed to have married everyone she had sex with. So 5 husbands sounds extreme, but 5 sexual partners seems quite modest.

Saint Croix said...

I think Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor or somebody claimed to have married everyone she had sex with.

She's a bad girl Puritan! I love it.

Anonymous said...

RE: "I thought that was going to go here."

So: sexy snakes and women and Althouse has the winner? Can I still be heterosexual?

William said...

I don't think beards receive luxury cars (three) as gifts. Ms. Stiviano is the worst mistress in the history of the world. Mistress abuse ought to be a crime or at least a sin. . Perhaps she can pick up a few bucks in a porn film, but she is no longer employable as a mistress......Boa constrictors make very poor pets. This really happened and was in the news. A pet snake escaped from his enclosure and attacked the sleeping baby, killing it. Don't you just hate it when Stephen King moments intrude on real life.......Billy Joel used to be a kind of hip, attractive kind of ugly. Now he's just fat and ugly. I think Chrissie Brinkley used him as a fashion accessory. She looked especially beautiful posing next to him....... Carrie Fisher was married to Paul Simon. He never wrote a hit song about her. That still rankles.

Skeptical Voter said...

On a roll Ms. Althouse--can also mean that you're rolling right off the tracks. I still like your law review article better than this particular post.

Saint Croix said...

Her father, the great actor Klaus Kinski terrified her. Asked after his death what she'd say to him now if she could, she said: "I would do anything to put him behind bars for life. I am glad he is no longer alive."

Here is Klaus on the set of Fitzcarraldo.

Werner Herzog, his director, made a documentary about his actor called My Best Fiend.

The funny thing about that doc is that you start wondering who is crazier, Kinski or Herzog. Kinski is big and loud crazy. Herzog is quiet and contained crazy.

And their first jungle movie is amazing. Watch it!

Ann Althouse said...

Aguirre has been on my list of favorite movies since I first saw it circa 1980. Have seen it many times.

Saint Croix said...

Aguirre has been on my list of favorite movies since I first saw it circa 1980. Have seen it many times.

I have a film buddy, we rarely agree on anything. But we both love Aguirre: Wrath of God and Battle of Algiers. So you might check that out if you haven't seen it. Awesome flick about terrorism in Algeria, and the French response.

Yehuldamar Klinft said...

What's with all this shaming shaming? It gives me violent peacenik flashbacks. Shameless!

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

I was born centuries late due to an indifferent God. I was meant to ravage and pillage through the downtrodden believers, my great skull face torn wide by a wicked grin and then a scream of anguish at the God who has abandoned me to these people, these downtrodden people I must ravage and pillage. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

In another time a sword would've been born to my hand, I was meant to rend asunder the good and wicked alike, God had no plan for me so I follow my rage, it is my compass. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

My daughter would respect me or I would cast her to the wolves or sell her into pitiful slavery: it would be decided on a whim and it would be eternal. Denied my due respect I will deny others their pride. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

I would slaughter the man with the largest steed, for that horse is destined to be mine: I will slaughter him and take his wife back to my home to slave in the dank basement. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

I would gleefully slaughter Herzog's ancestors and deny him his future birth: I will have cast him into the Great Nothing before he had a chance to draw a breath. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

I will preside over a land devoid of compassion and laughter. Laughter is Hope, and I shall smother Hope in its crib: do not attempt affection. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

I will send men hundreds of miles without rations to bring me back ice. When the ice is gone I will send more men. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

Anonymous said...

The Ghost of Klaus Kinski says:

With this ice I shall freeze men under crushing blocks who have never known a cool breeze, and I will put ice chips in my drink to quench my thirst. I am the Great Klaus Kinski.

J.R. said...

"It's sad to think that my daughter can’t even watch a cartoon about a dog solving mysteries without negative body stereotypes being thrown in her face."

I am reading this as sarcasm. If it is not, then this man has problems.