"13. Fake Bears. The koala bear is not a bear. Nor is the Asian bearcat, the water bear, the teddy bear, or the red panda.... 12. Boring Brown Bear... 8. Grizzly Bear...."
You won't guess what #1 is.
June 9, 2013
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I can see where some people might want to domesticate the sun bear.
I would like to put a spectacled bear together with a spectacled owl and have them be friends.
I once watched while a black bear nonchalantly crossed Interstate 77 near where the Appalachian trail crosses it. My car was the only one on that stretch of the road at the time, so I guess it was smart enough to watch for traffic.
Seventies Van parked in gravel Lot Outside Diner on the Outskirts of a national Park.
Carved Wooden Bear Out Front By the Telephone Post.
Through the Front Window the profiles of Van Driver and Denim-cut-offs/cowboy-boot Girl at a Window Booth.
Cut-to: Inside.
In front of Him: Coffee, Pancakes, Syrup.
Pack of a Cigarettes in the Center between them, by the Bowl of Sugar Packets..
In front of Her: Cola, Half-eaten French Toast.
Outside, through the Window, a Family of Five Clambers into a Station Wagon.
A Young Boy in a Felt Cowboy Hat hops to the very back of the Vehicle, proceeds to Shoot a Toy Gun at Van Driver.
Van Driver makes an Imaginary Gun with his Hand, Shoots back at the Boy.
Boy exaggeratedly Falls back, Shot, against a rolled-up Sleeping Bag.
Station Wagon slowly leaves the Parking Lot.
The Sound of its Tires on Gravel overlaid to the sound of Coffee Spoon in Cup, Background Murmur.
Seventies Van stopped along Side of Rustic Curving Road.
Passenger Window Rolled Down: Girl has Arms crossed on inside of Door, Chin resting on Arms.
Across a Field a Mother Bear is Leading Her two Cubs.
A Car Drives past them, Doppler Effect Sound to be added in Post-Production.
Driver is Smoking a Cigarette, gently brushing with the back of a finger the Rabbit's Foot on his Keychain, hanging from the Ignition.
Grizz is #8? What the Hell?
Why this obsession with Andrew Sullivan?
Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago used to have a Spectacled Bear who would often sit facing all the people in a tumescent state. When I was a girl we would often say the Spectacled Bear was making a spectacle of himself.
Pandas are raccoons.
They're endangered because the Chinese have stopped putting out garbage cans.
When I was in grade school we went up to Eagle River and there was a place where they had a Kodiak Bear named Kola. One could purchase a glass bottle of Coke from a vending machine and hand it to the bear, who would take it and drink it.
Yes, we could hand a bottle of Coke to a bear. Directly. He was in a cage, but still.
The koala bear despite its soft, cuddly appearance has tough, stringy meat. The sun bear makes a more amusing pet than most bears who have a tendency to eat their owners.
1) Koala bears are indisputably the most awesome bears, yet they appear last on the list, and in a category intended to disparage their authenticity. Now my hands ache, for they are disturbed by the act of typing words which seem, to them, so self-evident. Placing their own thoughts in quotes, my hands write "Surely everyone knows that Koala Bears are the most awesome bears, or shall we next percuss that air is clear? We are concerned about causing offense by deigning to take the posture of trying convince other sentient life of the obvious." I tell them "quiet, do my bidding" and "you are not even sentient yourself," and they grow quiet and do my bidding. Now I feel bad.
2) I believe that I owe my hands an explanation for why (1) above was necessary to type. Hands, please accept my apology, and this explanation: Believe it or not, not everyone agrees that Koala bears are the most awesome bears. Some, trying to obtain the attention that can naturally attach to one-half of a faux debate that strikes outsiders as real, claim that Koala bears are not real bears, that they are marsupials or some such nonsense. As if a thing can't be one thing and another thing too. Oh, toothpaste can't be a liquid, because it is an oral cleaning product. Are care bears not bears? Are gummy bears not bears? Are extinct bears, gay bears, and the '85 Chicago Bears not bears?
3) Polar bears are way cooler than bespectacled bears, or whatever number 1 was.
4) Now my hands, understanding more of my attitude, and having absorbed some of my sass, and on their own choose to write "Oh, wow, a number 1 coolest bear that nobody happens to have heard of. Hmmm, I wonder what is more likely, that everybody in the world who thought that Koala bears ranked -1- were wrong, or that the person making the list decided to put a "band you've never heard of" in the top slot, like some especially degenerate mean-spirited hipster, in order to make the audience feel like a bunch of chumps for liking cream because it rises to the top.
4) Seriously, I can't believe they are calling Koala Bears fake. If Koala bears are fake, everything is fake.
5) As a side-note I'll mention that once, fairly recently, I'm pretty sure I saw a large black bear use the facilities at a campground where I was staying alone. He disappeared behind them, and I chased him down hoping that he would attack me because I was on drugs. But when I got to where he should have been, he was gone, and I didn't have the guts or impropriety to enter that rest-room. I did have this overwhelming phenomenological certainty that this bear was inside, not shitting in the woods. Also, I recall choosing to sleep in my car that night, rather than the tent.
6) You know what, I think the speckaled bear is a fake bear. How do you like that, Dan Nosowitz. I just said your favorite bear isn't real. It's not a bear, it's a quadruped. Oh, it's a fine quadruped, it's just not a bear. Oh, but guess what, I have good news. There is a bear you can put at the top of your list now that your Bear Nobody has Heard Of is relegated to the land where unicorns live. It's the Koala! Ya, you know those scientists who said it was a bear, then changed their minds or something and said it wasn't? Well, since it is a Sunday, I hear that they are calling the Koala a bear again. Asshole.
7) I do agree that the polar bear is well-ranked at number 2, but the panda should definitely have gotten a higher rating than number 6. That's something about which reasonable people can disagree.
Personally I always thought that the bi-polar bears were the most dangerous ones around.
Now rank them from best tasting to worst tasting. We have a menu to plan.
They have the brown bear, grizzly, and Kodiak all as different bears. Why?
@Blue, they don't believe in DNA.
How did the plain old black bear rank so high? Because they're friendly and harmless? I guess that was before today's repot of a black bear killing a man in Alaska.
whoa, black bear (bam-A-lam)
whoa, black bear(bam-A-lam)
Black Bear had a child (bam-A-lam)
The damn thing gone wild
(bam-A-lam)
She said "It weren't none of mine" (bam-A-lam)
The damn thing gone blind (bam-A-lam) I said oh black Bear
(bam-A-lam) whoa, black Bear
(bam-BA-lam)
whoa, black betty (bam-BA-lam) whoa, black betty (bam-BA-lam) She really gets me high (bam-BA-lam) You know that's no lie (bam-BA-lam) [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/black-betty-lyrics-ram-jam.html ] She's so rock steady (bam-BA-lam) She's always ready (bam-BA-lam) whoa, black betty (bam-BA-lam) whoa, black betty (bam-BA-lam)
Read more: RAM JAM - BLACK BETTY LYRICS
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.lolbrary.com/content/758/what-do-you-mean-im-not-a-bear-18758.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.lolbrary.com/post/18758/what-do-you-mean-im-not-a-bear/&h=705&w=500&sz=122&tbnid=sG_SrOkXjigE_M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=64&zoom=1&usg=__dhLazHxm6asOgxSaiw9vkg0ZPuc=&docid=Fb69NM5nu83cIM&sa=X&ei=7zK1UY7dH8epyAGtroHgCQ&sqi=2&ved=0CDYQ9QEwAQ&dur=9887
Nothing more annoying than having to click through a list.
Show me the whole things at once, please, or I'm ignoring it.
Terrible article, stupid concept and full of false statements.
"The Asian and American black bears, for example, are actually descendants of the sun bear."
Nope. The may have a common ancestor, though.
"[Black bears are] no danger to humans at all, really; it tends to run away when surprised."
Nope. They sometimes hunt people.
Etc.
Can we arrange them according to tastyness?
I bet a Koala Bear would taste like cough drops.
#1 should be the Chicago Bear.
When I was in the 10th grade the local Rambler dealer had a promotion where anyone could come down and wrestle a bear. "Victor" the bear lost none of his bouts and would retire to his corner and drink root beer after each victory. He is clearly number one in my book.
As far as I know, no one has ever been able to connect the dots from wrestling a bear to buying a Rambler.
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