Althouse: "I will not make you a slave, you will live in my 200 story castle where unicorn servants will feed you doughnuts off their horns."

March 15, 2012

"I will not make you a slave, you will live in my 200 story castle where unicorn servants will feed you doughnuts off their horns."

You are "'more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out of bacon riding a cyborg unicorn with a lightsaber for the horn on the tip of a space shuttle closing in on Mars, while engulfed in flames."

39 comments:

markbres said...: How romantic; 3/15/12, 12:54 PM
Revenant said...: That's pretty awesome.; 3/15/12, 12:54 PM
Scott M said...: The tragedy, of course, is that the student who wrote it, "Flint", is probably an English 101 freshman.; 3/15/12, 12:55 PM
Ann Althouse said...: I think it's a real kid, because of the flaws: the repetition of the unicorn and the slaves are bad/servants are excellent combo.; 3/15/12, 12:56 PM
Scott M said...: The general tone and the mention of donuts made me think it was possibly a Simpsons quote at first.; 3/15/12, 12:58 PM
Expat(ish) said...: Mangarific.

-XC; 3/15/12, 12:59 PM
Carnifex said...: Why are phallic abundant unicorns a favorite of young girls, but not homosexual men? Is it their affinity for virgins?

I saw "bacon in a can" on a prepper site the other day. I consider spam a suitable substitute though.

And monkeys. Who can resist monkeys? Not I.

Ps. the problem with unicorns is their rampant carnivorous nature. Bloody things.; 3/15/12, 1:00 PM
MayBee said...: Is this written somewhere else, or just something Althouse felt like saying?
Or is the link only invisible to me?; 3/15/12, 1:02 PM
Scott M said...: Or is the link only invisible to me?

No link provided, but I just copy/pasted the whole thing into Google. With something that specific, the sources are usually narrowed down quite a bit.; 3/15/12, 1:04 PM
edutcher said...: Slaves aren't usually that well-treated.; 3/15/12, 1:09 PM
Nathan said...: This.

Is why Al Gore invented the internet.

Standing slow clap for Flint.; 3/15/12, 1:17 PM
Bob Ellison said...: Without the external link, I must assume that the Professor is addressing her readers. 'Scuse me while I don my bacon tails.; 3/15/12, 1:22 PM
Unknown said...: This sounds like the Bloggess, @thebloggess, thebloggess.com, or someone who has been influences by her.; 3/15/12, 1:26 PM
lemondog said...: A link showing a picture with handwritten letter.

I assume that it is legit.; 3/15/12, 1:29 PM
Lyssa said...: Since I read the post above first, I was very much hoping that this is something that Blago said, for some reason known only to him, upon hearing his sentence.; 3/15/12, 1:36 PM
Michael Haz said...: Is this another bondage post? Woo hoo!; 3/15/12, 1:40 PM
Jim S. said...: See, I thought it was Charlie Sheen off on a rant again.; 3/15/12, 1:42 PM
Bob said...: I thought at first that those were Obama For President 2012 campaign promises. Then I realized that they were too modest for Obama to have made them.; 3/15/12, 1:42 PM
traditionalguy said...: But will she get free contraceptives delivered by horny unicorns?

The latest word is that GOP Unicorns are at war with pubescent princesses.

I give up, is this Mormon doctrine?; 3/15/12, 1:42 PM
Lem Vibe Bandit said...: lol,,

That's pretty good Bob.; 3/15/12, 1:45 PM
Synova said...: Oh, that is cute!

What a great response to the assigned, involuntary, thank-you note.; 3/15/12, 1:50 PM
rosebud said...: That's so sweet. Now the other fourth graders have ammo to humiliate Flint.; 3/15/12, 1:51 PM
KCFleming said...: A terrific response.; 3/15/12, 1:52 PM
rhhardin said...: The unicorn ate it gravely.; 3/15/12, 2:00 PM
Rusty said...: And monkeys. Who can resist monkeys? Not I.

Ah.
One of the top two secrets of comedy.Put a monkey in it, it's guaranteed to get a laugh. The other secret?
A guy getting hit in the nuts...............by a monkey.; 3/15/12, 2:06 PM
Scott M said...: That's so sweet. Now the other fourth graders have ammo to humiliate Flint.

LOL...you know you're a hopeless cynic when...

The unicorn ate it gravely.

Are unicorn slaughterhouses filthy?; 3/15/12, 2:06 PM
Methadras said...: This sounds more like a Bad Lip Reading.; 3/15/12, 2:08 PM
ricpic said...: Who can resist monkeys? Not I.

Well I sure can. Monkeys and clowns are right up there in the top rank of the utterly resistible.; 3/15/12, 2:45 PM
Synova said...: You never can tell with kids. Flint could be considered a hero... or be teased mercilessly... depending on how annoyed his classmates were about having to write thank-you notes.; 3/15/12, 3:54 PM
Synova said...: OTOH, he might be sent to the school child-development psych person to discover if he has dangerous delusions of grandeur.

Too much creativity is a threat, after all.; 3/15/12, 3:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Sounds like hallucinogens are being consumed at the Althouse/Meade household.; 3/15/12, 3:56 PM
Mary Beth said...: Albert Ramon must be the most awesome man ever.; 3/15/12, 4:08 PM
paul a'barge said...: Links are helpful:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2115269/More-awesome-monkey-bacon-tuxedo--childs-letter-goes-viral.html; 3/15/12, 4:34 PM
Blue@9 said...: This may be one of the best things I've ever read. Monkeys, unicorns, donuts, bacon, and lightsabers? It just needs some laser-packing alien pirahnas and it'd be perfect.; 3/15/12, 5:04 PM
Carnifex said...: @ricpic

I understand your hesitancy about clowns...dead white faces, giant mouths painted blood red, crazy hair, and clothes...

But MONKEYS? C'mon man, reconsider. Just think about how they sit on their asses all day, masturbating, and throwing shit on each other, If that isn't proof that they're our ancestors I don't know what is.; 3/15/12, 5:54 PM
Ann Althouse said...: "Is this written somewhere else, or just something Althouse felt like saying?
Or is the link only invisible to me?"

LOL.

Sorry.

Fixed.; 3/15/12, 6:36 PM
ken in tx said...: I think this is a hoax. It is too close to the story-line of the 'Big Nate' comic on the Washington Post website. Review this week's comics and see if you don't agree.; 3/15/12, 8:38 PM
ErnieG said...: He has a great future writing text for the Teleprompter.; 3/15/12, 9:37 PM
Synova said...: Ken, that only makes it a hoax if the kid never saw Big Nate or the number of similar stories for kids.

It's not a *hoax* if Flint was writing a Big Nate thank you.; 3/15/12, 11:57 PM