March 11, 2010

"The 'can you believe uteruses' fake-out macho/not-macho daddy-card..."

TWOP on Michael Lynche on "American Idol":
Not so bad on the falsetto, but between the fake emotion bullshit and the stupid hand gestures and the "can you believe uteruses" fake-out macho/not-macho daddy-card, not to mention letting the backup singers carry 90% of the load which I didn't even consider he would do but makes total sense, and the camera shaking all over like it's giving birth to the stupidest cow of a baby as we're watching, and some unending glory note out of nowhere and for no reason, and mangling the lyrics into nonsensical, and generally being a total dickhead in every way, we're going to forget this happened. Trash-eeeeeeeee.

Jackson, of course, wraps his hand firmly around the shaft of Mike's life-giving penis. Ellen blah-blahs. Kara loses her fucking mind and puddles herself into some kind of empty-womb barren having-it-all bullshit that I hate to see happen, both as a humanist and as a feminist, and Simon angles for a blowie from his new girlfriend by going similarly nuts on how babies are great and semen is magic and ovaries can fly and whatever, I mean, you know I am Baby Crazy and I like ladies more than people who Like Ladies, but give me a fucking break and I'll say it again: Babies are the new dead people. The mothereffing end. I haven't anything left.
Thank you. I feel cleansed now. Took me a couple seconds to understand "Babies are the new dead people." That's not a reference to dead babies. It's a reference to the way last year on "American Idol," a contestant was promoted ahead of the others because his wife had died. This year, we're supposed to go all soft over the fact that this man's wife had a baby. We were supposed to be impressed that he auditioned while she was going through labor.


Synova said...

If nothing else, that was a bit of mesmerizing prose.

d-day said...

Reading Jacob at TWOP is the highlight of my workweek. His recaps of Gossip Girl actually make the show good - I never liked or watched it before I started reading his recaps. Still don't really, but the writing always blows me away.

traditionalguy said...

It may be the people producing this kind of written material that are causing all of the recent earthquakes . The whole earth is shuddering at the slime that oozes out of them

John Lynch said...

I believe the cool internet slang that's called for here is,


SteveR said...

Jacob is usually fun to read, I think he's not as good (with AI anyway) as he used to be. Maybe he's just tired of the show.

Well at least Michael was worth some praise. He's got a ways to before he gets Danny Gokey hype.

A.W. said...

ah, for frick sake. I frankly forgot he had just gotten a kid, until they mentioned it afterward. (If they mentioned it beforehand, i might have been downloading free crap to my Ps3.) So i just listened as is, and he was hands down the best all evening. No question.

Interesting, though, is how much he almost seems to delight in breaking stereotypes about muscle-heads. First in hollywood week he sang a hippy song. Then last night he went all falsetto. And he nailed it.

It was really wild watching kara melt down. and cling to simon. hmmm....

ricpic said...

Mike's penis is lifegiving? All penises are lifegiving! That's what penises are for. Are we clear? ARE WE CLEAR?!

Mick said...

They are trying to discourage Casey from playing his guitar, when he is clearly the best guitarist/singer there. Kara feels like she has to be hard on him after she practically blew him on stage a few weeks ago. CLEARLY the best talents are Chrystal and Casey. Michael is just another Reuben Studdard.

Cedarford said...

I think a little later in the show an even better "outside the singing" connection was made with the fan base out there with one gal singer. By the tears streaming from a very good-looking, nicely outfitted, tonight - Siobhan Magnus. Over the early departure of a talented Alex Lambert.

The camera was roaming through the "safe contestents" for reaction shots to others voted out, then found Magnus when Lambert got a surprise exit and stayed with her, for 3-4 closeups.

It seems trivial, but never underestimate the power of a glimpse or two of an attractive young babe in honest emotion and sadness for a guy or thing she likes, bawling her eyes out. Sibby, the "a leetttle different..." gal who can sing - just packed in a pile of fans with that.

Just ditch the nose ring sometime, Magnus..

As for TWOP, they have some great, catty critics. Top Chef at TWOP is as entertaining as the show itself, and dissections of LOST back when we watched that show before we got sick of it = were hilarious.

Lem said...


Democrats are trying to pass Obamacare w/o having a vote?

Just when you think you seen and heard everything.

Kudos if they can pull it off.

PatCA said...

I loved Lynche's rendition of the song. Been playing it all day. It was almost better than Kate Bush's.

Forgot about his wife's baby--but I realized later that was the connection.

So what, TWOP? Why be a jerk? Oh yeah, unique hits.

MadisonMan said...

I just am in complete disbelief that Alex got sent home by America -- Alex of the unique voice -- and Aaron is still around. Why America? Why? Why? Why? (Him leaving was great television, however).

And why is Paige still around? Her song this week was absolutely dreadful. Smile sung with a frown.

kentuckyliz said...

I miss eviction night because I have another lineup I watch on Thursday nights. I liked Alex Lambert's voice and thought he sang very well last night even though he still seems timid on stage.

So as for the that today's edition of the Two Minutes Hate?

Joe said...

Michael was the best performer this week.

That aside, the way they are openly favoring the women cracks me up. My wife posited that they are desperate to get another female star. Problem is that they tried too hard and most the women this year are horrid.

A.W. said...


the most painful part of the show is watching the loser sing. i think the judges can still use one save, so there is now a point to it, but its a little weird. "You suck, but hey could you sign the exact same song again."

when adam sang, you could tell the whole time he was like, "why the f--- am i doing this?" And for that matter it was hilarious watching magnus respond to the criticisms. she made an effort to pretend, but she really didn't give a flying f--- what they said.

mariner said...

It would be so much better if his wife had an abortion.

On many levels.