Althouse: "I'm going to have to put it together.... This is my house.... To me, there's just whirling going on.... I understand why I'm here...."

February 14, 2026

"I'm going to have to put it together.... This is my house.... To me, there's just whirling going on.... I understand why I'm here...."

41 comments:

john mosby said...: The companion AI might be good for this. At least it wouldn't talk to him like it's his mom instead of his daughter.

I hope my companion AI talks to me like it's a Bond villainess. "Did you bring me here to kill me, AI?" "No, Mr Mosby. I brought you here to fuck you....to death." CC, JSM; 2/14/26, 8:48 AM
Wince said...: Did she "share" this post exploitively for clicks or is this supposed to be edifying?; 2/14/26, 8:54 AM
Darles Chickens said...: This is terrifying. I'm going to forward this to my children and beg them not to let this happen to me.; 2/14/26, 8:58 AM
BUMBLE BEE said...: Don't Fear The Reaper.; 2/14/26, 9:01 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "Did she "share" this post exploitively for clicks or is this supposed to be edifying?"

I considered that before sharing this myself, and I think it is "edifying." I think it is helpful in demystifying the process any of us might face.

I was particularly struck by his idea that he was there because he had done bad things. He perceived his daughter's home as a prison and was adapting to it. And also by his recognition of the shelves he had made and filled with treasured objects. If you found yourself in the process he is enduring, what objects of yours would help you "put together" what otherwise looked like a "whirl"?; 2/14/26, 9:03 AM
Ann Althouse said...: When the daughter said there are some of your grandchildren, he didn't brighten or consider going over to see them. He brightened at the sight of his model cars (or whatever we're seeing on those shelves).; 2/14/26, 9:05 AM
Oso Negro said...: He probably has no clue who the grandkids are at this point. They are too recent. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find delight in them, but if we belabor the point maybe we can validate young people who don’t want to have kids and grandparents who have none so they don’t know what it’s like.; 2/14/26, 9:19 AM
SpaceCityGirl said...: John Mosby—children do take on a parental role when caring for parents with Alzheimer’s. The way she talked to him was patient, respectful and loving—that’s exactly what he needed.; 2/14/26, 9:24 AM
Amexpat said...: Mixed feelings about seeing this. One the one hand it seems like something that is private and not for the world to look at, espeically for the father who is not able to consent to this being shown online.

On the other hand it can be useful for people to understand dementia and how to handle it. It's something I'm learning about now. My mother, 88, recently has gotten dementia. I live overseas so I communicate with her in video calls. Luckily she has a good caregiver who explained to me that my Mom was getting confused and distressed when I was asking her simple conversational questions, such as how various people in her retirement home are doing. So I now do all the talking, mostly about what I remember from my childhood. She enjoys that and occasionally will add something, but I've stopped asking her questions.

Of course this is just one case and I'm sure the best way to interact with someone with dementia varies.; 2/14/26, 9:27 AM
Joe Bar said...: My MIL is well into her 90s and this is her life. Luckily, she also has family to care for her.; 2/14/26, 9:32 AM
AnotherJim said...: I think this is edifying, not exploitive. It's comforting to see a compassionate caregiver dealing well with this. I have a family member who is in the early stages of this, and others are really dreading it. It seems to be approaching us like a pirate ship. I think it will work out okay, and this video gives me hope.; 2/14/26, 9:35 AM
Joe Bar said...: The woman filming has a whole series devoted to this. Is this bad? Just about everybody exploits social media these days. I didn't see anything unwholesome.; 2/14/26, 9:37 AM
Iman said...: See new places and meet new people every day. What’s not to like!?; 2/14/26, 9:39 AM
Yancey Ward said...: My father went through this the last 3 years he lived. Nearly every night for the last year I had to reaquaint him with his bedroom which he had been sleeping in for 20 years at that point. I realized fairly early on that his memories of a house were of the one he and my maternal grandfather had built for us when I was 8 and in which I lived in until I moved out for good for grad school. I only realized this because I found him repeatedly looking for a 2nd door from his bedroom to the bathroom that existed in my childhood home but wasn't there in the later home from his bedroom. My father wasn't as demented as the poor fellow in the video but he was declining rapidly near the end of his life.

His disinterest in the grandchildren isn't surprising to me- my father really couldn't remember the details and identities of people unless he knew them at least 2 decades prior to the onset of the dementia- anyone he came to know after about the age of 58+ was a stranger to him.; 2/14/26, 9:42 AM
MadTownGuy said...: Ann Althouse said...
["Did she "share" this post exploitively for clicks or is this supposed to be edifying?"]

"I considered that before sharing this myself, and I think it is "edifying." I think it is helpful in demystifying the process any of us might face.

I was particularly struck by his idea that he was there because he had done bad things. He perceived his daughter's home as a prison and was adapting to it. And also by his recognition of the shelves he had made and filled with treasured objects. If you found yourself in the process he is enduring, what objects of yours would help you "put together" what otherwise looked like a "whirl"?"

I have some experience with this. My Dad had dementia, starting out mild around 2008, gradually worsening until around 2011 when he moved in with my younger sister and family. Sis ended up getting divorced, and would have been homeless but for the fact that older sis and hubby got an inheritance from his Dad, and bought a home, leaving the condo owned by our Dad open. She volunteered to stay with him, but was not employed. She gave up nearly ten years of her life to care for him, a huge sacrifice, but in 2028 he was entering the paranoid-delusional stage and was occasionally combative. I talked him down a couple of times over the phone, but Sis and I knew it was unlikely to get better.

He was scheduled for cataract surgery in December 2019 and she asked if my wife and I could come and help out for the time when he was recovering, to ensure that he didn't rub his eye and undo the surgery. We did, and I had worked for a while in senior care after retirement, so I had some training & experience in the matter. Listening first is important. So is anticipating needs - being proactive rather than reactive. He was able to stay in his own place, with his stuff, up until C-19 hit (we were not there by then) and passed peacefully in the hospital with Sis at his side.; 2/14/26, 9:42 AM
Aggie said...: My mom's dementia advanced when she hit her 90s. We have other family that went through Alzheimers. The children should not be isolated from this, but should be part of the care routines (emotional and conversational interactions only of course), as it's an important life skill they will learn. I find the idea of being stuck in assisted living or memory care as a form of hell though, gotta say. This daughter/mom is showing real commitment to family, to the idea of family, and to family love. You have to plan your exit as much as you plan your legacy.; 2/14/26, 9:42 AM
Temujin said...: That is absolutely heartbreaking. There is nothing, no disease of any sort, that hits me as more devastating as losing who you are, your very essence.
We are all wonderfully unique beings with our own lifetimes full of our experiences: what we saw along the way, people we knew, people we didn't know but watched, smells, touches, loves, hates, things we created (like that bookshelf), families and friends, boring days and days filled with so much they exhausted you, the smell of rain, the new fallen snow, the beach, sunsets and sunrises.

Dementia and Alzheimer's steals all of that away from a person, a chunk at a time. I cannot think of a worse fate, at least for me. And frankly, as I get older and I have days when I'm writing and the words just don't come- words that I know- that kind of worries me.

But...I suspect I'm not the only person my age who is forgetting things. The question is when is it just normal aging and when is it something else?

The video was, to me, heartfelt and important for people to see and understand: This could be any of us.; 2/14/26, 9:47 AM
MadTownGuy said...: Yancey Ward said ...

"His disinterest in the grandchildren isn't surprising to me- my father really couldn't remember the details and identities of people unless he knew them at least 2 decades prior to the onset of the dementia- anyone he came to know after about the age of 58+ was a stranger to him."

It was a bit different with our Dad. Even while we were there with him in 2019, he wasn't sure who I was, and he called Sis "that woman." But once in a while, he'd get a glimmer of the past, and when we were watching videos of his visit to South America, he remarked that the 'little boy in the videos - that was me - later came for a visit and he grew up as a man. That was a bittersweet moment.; 2/14/26, 9:47 AM
john mosby said...: SpaceCity: "The way she talked to him was patient, respectful and loving—that’s exactly what he needed."

Ehhhh....even when we're still children, we know that's the way grownups talk to children. And in spite of its utility, it is a status signifier. Actually, that's part of its utility, to remind us the grownups are in charge.

Which is why we don't conduct board meetings, political debates, legislative sessions, or any other interaction of peer adults in that tone. Heck, even brutal Socratic 1L classes. "Mr Mosby, you know the facts of the Carbolic Smoke Ball case, don't you?"

You can talk to an impaired adult like he's another adult.

Thought experiment: a tape of some well-meaning relative talking to a Down's Syndrome person like that. CC, JSM; 2/14/26, 9:56 AM
tcrosse said...: My wife had Alzheimers. One time a therapist pointed at me and asked her, "Who's this guy?" She couldn't answer. It went downhill from there.; 2/14/26, 10:01 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "John Mosby—children do take on a parental role when caring for parents with Alzheimer’s. The way she talked to him was patient, respectful and loving—that’s exactly what he needed."

I think there's pressure on women to speak in a softer, gentler way and it takes extra effort that you just don't always have or want to use like that. That daughter has a lot she needs to do, while maintaining a basically good attitude. She sounds the way women sound.

Personally, I like a soft gentle male voice.; 2/14/26, 10:02 AM
Ann Althouse said...: Thanks, AnotherJim. I wish you well.; 2/14/26, 10:03 AM
Narr said...: My mother was getting there in her last year or so, when she couldn't recall my name, or my brother's (he lived with her and kept her going)--he had become 'that guy they sent yesterday that wasn't very nice'. She did, however, remember the name of my dog, her grand-dog, who was with me almost every time I visited.; 2/14/26, 10:07 AM
Yancey Ward said...: MadTownGuy,

My father never forgot who I and my mother, his full-time caregivers, were but he clearly was remembering our decades younger selves- he often, in the last year or two of his life, would ask me when I was graduating from college, for example.; 2/14/26, 10:12 AM
john mosby said...: Prof: "Personally, I like a soft gentle male voice."

Sort of like Peter Coyote on the Ken Burns documentaries? CC, JSM; 2/14/26, 10:17 AM
Yancey Ward said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 2/14/26, 10:19 AM
Narr said...: Tone of voice? Get real. Unless I see evidence otherwise, the woman is a g.d. saint.

When my Oma reached her late 80s and we wrested the car from her after she got lost and jumped a curb miles from where she was supposed to be (no injuries thankfully), I became her conservator. She stayed in the nice house that Opa and she had custom-built for them in 1948, but as she got flakier she got lonelier, and after a year or so of her begging, my wife and I moved in with her.

Big mistake. In her demented state she flipped completely, and we had become demanding intruders--she couldn't cook and clean for us! (She hadn't cooked or cleaned for anyone in years, of course.) She roamed the hallway outside our bedroom at night, muttering angrily (sometimes in her native German).

We left after three weeks, and she reverted to acting lonely and begging us to move in.

She was visited most days by old friends (until they died) and once a week by some church ladies, and I was there most days making sure she had food and twenty-dollar bills, which I think she flushed or threw in the garbage--she never went anywhere to spend money and we never found a stash.

She lived about four years alone and died at 94. If I should get like that I hope someone will put me out of their misery.; 2/14/26, 10:29 AM
Narr said...: It was, of course, Oma's senility that allowed my older brother (pohg!) to beg, wheedle, and bully Oma out of more money one year than I made working full time.; 2/14/26, 10:37 AM
Megthered said...: Both of my parents were diagnosed with Alzeheimers within 6 months of each other. I knew it and my brothers knew it but we needed a formal diagnosis. My brother's immediately flaked out. My parents knew this somehow, and years ago made me the executor of their estate. They gave me POA over everything. I took care of them in my home for 11 years and they passed peacefully at home with their family
My brothers called me an angel..; 2/14/26, 10:41 AM
Ann Althouse said...: "Sort of like Peter Coyote on the Ken Burns documentaries?"

I cannot tolerate Ken Burns documentaries and the narration is a big part of what bothers me. It's too slow, insanely slow.; 2/14/26, 11:07 AM
Yancey Ward said...: "I think it will work out okay, and this video gives me hope."

Hope from that video? I don't really wish to be a Debbie Downer but the father in that video still seems to have some ability to operate independently on a wide range of life skill levels (I watched a few other of videos a few minutes ago). It will get much worse for her I am sorry to have to say.; 2/14/26, 11:09 AM
MikeD said...: I'm gonna have to go with the exploitive nature of this. I didn't watch the entirety but, did daughter ever let her father know she was recording him for public exposure?; 2/14/26, 11:27 AM
Iman said...: “I cannot tolerate Ken Burns documentaries and the narration is a big part of what bothers me. It's too slow, insanely slow.”

That fact that Burns is an effete twit and Coyote is a Bay Area Commie prick puts me off my feed.; 2/14/26, 11:33 AM
boatbuilder said...: “I cannot tolerate Ken Burns documentaries and the narration is a big part of what bothers me. It's too slow, insanely slow.”

Interesting. It's one of the reasons I never got past the first two minutes of any Scott Adams podcast. The slow pace gave me a "Mr. Rodgers" vibe. I couldn't stand Mr. Rodgers as a kid.; 2/14/26, 12:21 PM
Rabel said...: I watched a few of her videos. Heart wrenching.

Also, Medical Science, fuck you.

Every research nickle wasted on foppery and nonsense could have been spent on dementia and cancer research and maybe we'd be closer to a cure , but it wasn't, was it.; 2/14/26, 12:44 PM
Iman said...: 👆what Rabel said👆; 2/14/26, 1:17 PM
Kakistocracy said...: A Road Trip to Remember ~ Disney + and Hulu

This charming, honest documentary follows the actor, Chris Hemsworth on a journey into the past with his father, who has Alzheimer’s disease. At the age of 71, his father has been diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer’s disease. This is a special and lovely film.; 2/14/26, 1:26 PM
FullMoon said...: He thinks he is being punished for past misdeeds. Might benefit from being "forgiven".; 2/14/26, 1:40 PM
Original Mike said...: I so fear this.

"Narr said..."Tone of voice? Get real. Unless I see evidence otherwise, the woman is a g.d. saint."

I agree.; 2/14/26, 2:31 PM
Biff said...: Narr said, "She was visited most days by old friends (until they died) and once a week by some church ladies..."

Church ladies. We're going to miss them when they're gone.; 2/15/26, 7:43 AM
Biff said...: Boatbuilder said..."It's one of the reasons I never got past the first two minutes of any Scott Adams podcast. The slow pace gave me a "Mr. Rodgers" vibe. I couldn't stand Mr. Rodgers as a kid."

Interesting. I had the same impression of Scott Adams' podcasts. I could only listen to them if I sped up the reply to 1.25x speed, which sounded like a "normal" speaking cadence to me.

I also didn't like watching Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I know that an extraordinary number of people loved the guy, but something about him screamed "pedophile!" to me, before I knew what the word even meant. I've always wondered about what led me to react that way. I think it was the sweater.; 2/15/26, 7:50 AM