"People who feel it most severely might avoid addressing anyone by their name under any circumstance. For others, alexinomia is strongest around those they are closest to. For example, I don’t have trouble with most names, but when my sister and I are alone together, saying her name can feel odd and embarrassing, as if I’m spilling a secret, even though I’ve been saying her name for nearly 25 years. Some people can’t bring themselves to say the name of their wife or boyfriend or best friend—it can feel too vulnerable, too formal, or too plain awkward."
From
"Please Don’t Make Me Say My Boyfriend’s Name/Why calling loved ones by their name is strangely awkward" (The Atlantic).
I feel this, though not severely. I'm glad to know, speaking of names, that there's a name for it — alexinomia.
I think part of the problem here comes from having been exposed to those people who excessively say the name of the person they're talking with — e.g., parents, teachers, and readers of "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
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Growing up, so many of my friends and classmates had same first names everyone called each other by their last name.
Terms of endearment are common among family and close friends. The weirdest thing is when people call their parents by their first names.
My husband has never referred to my parents by their names, or Mom and Dad (he already has a mom, and his dad was a waster), or by Mr. (or Col.) and Mrs. It was a great boon to him when we had kids and he could refer to my parents as Grandma and Grandpa. He also hates the word "man" and reflexively uses "male" instead - this, he says, is because his dad sullied the word for him so deeply.
And then we have the friend who interjects people's names into just about every conversational snippet: "I was thinking, Jamie, that we might want to talk about our vacation" - like that. Her job is 100% remote and has been for more than 20 years, so I've wondered if that's why she does it - a habit arising from the need to clarify which person on a call she's addressing.
Interesting phenomenon.
Our kids have quirky nicknames for one another and for us. They do, however, call us by our first names either to tease us or to get our attention.
A well-known politician and friend of my family's going way back had some great advice regarding remembering names: "Avoid using names as much as possible, and always say 'good to see you' or 'good to see you again', never 'good to meet you'." It's sound wisdom, and it's saved my bacon more than once.
Many people have trouble referring to their in-laws. "Mom & Dad" is awkward, "Mr./Mrs. X" too formal, first names too familiar. I was always comfortable with the first-name approach, whereas my wife never called them anything in their presence. Hey..."you two.."
If you grew up in a household with a passel of kids, you better use names, but I always thought that it was a good way to figure out if somebody was harboring a secret crush on you if they used your name more often than strictly necessary.
I've mentioned my problems with proper nouns in the past. Names are related. However, as a certain fraction of our society pushes pronouns, I find myself, particularly in writing, calling people by their name to avoid pronouns.
We always use(d) first names for parents-in-law, sometimes after 'grandpa' or 'grandma', though my MIL didn't like being called 'grandma' for some odd reason (made her feel old, I think).
On the alexinomia, my mother always objected to being referred to as 'she' or 'her' in her presence. But avoiding pronouns means using names, at least with friends or siblings.
My father had a bad case of this. I don't think I ever heard him call my mother by her first name more than once in my entire life. He also acted the same way with me, would only grudgingly use my first name and I could tell he didn't like me calling him Dad after I hit a certain age.
I've been told, multiple times, that I sound "weird" when I introduce myself with both my first and last names when I first meet someone. Someone will say "Hi, meet Dave" and I tend to say, "Hi, I'm John Smith". Kind of a tic, I guess. I also always introduce my wife by her name and call her by it in private and public.
Yes, the Dale Carnegie name repetition really just triggers memories of being questioned/instructed/lcastigated by parents, teachers, and other authoritative adults. So it has the opposite effect on me. You won’t get the sale if the “John” count goes too high. In the personal context, if you’re trying to make our relationship closer, i will wonder why you are distancing me by using my name all the time.
Southern/Black culture has that thing of calling grown men by their last names (just the last name - Mosby, not Mr, Colonel or Consul Mosby) as a mark of respect, like he’s representing his family. First names are what you call boys. It creates mini-civil wars when used with Northern whites unfamiliar with the custom, though.
JSM
How to Win Friends and Influence People
I read it as a teenager and have always made it a point to use people’s names in conversation. Had no idea I might be making Alexinomiacs uncomfortable.
When my son was around four years old and first figured out that I had a name other than "Dad," he was delighted, and he made a point of using it all the time. "Tom, come here!" I was always careful to respond, "Yes, Mr. Tildrum!"
WTF? I mean, if someone is chasing you down the street with a crowbar, you have a problem. If you find yourself in a situation where it is appropriate to use someone's name, you really do not have a problem. Unless maybe you don't know his name, I guess.
Reading this, it occurred to me, the entire time they were alive and I knew them- I never addressed my parents-in-law as anything. They weren't mom and dad, an Mr. and Mrs. didn't seem right, and first names were definitely out. So, I talked to them all the time. Without ever using anything. `My wife? I use the name she introduced herself to me as. She had a half dozen (or more) names her family and friends called her, and was surprised that didn't confuse me. But then, I had the same.
As far as my name memory goes, I work with a whopping (currently) 6 other people. Who I've worked with for years. I do the timekeeping, so I see their names every other week as I enter their times. And right now, I couldn't tell you all their names.
When I first met my wife, I wrote her name on a piece of paper and put it in my wallet. I'd pull it out before we met or before I called (pre-cell phone days!) so I'd know what to call her. I would quite honestly have discarded it in memory. Names and I don't get along well.
But I tell you all the correct terms for any part of a pump or boiler or any other piece of machinery or tool or pipe part I work with.
While in the belly of the corporate beast I worked in a group that included four women named Mary, each with a different surname. When addressing the group one had to refer to Mary X or Mary Y, not wishing to get into the minefield of Ms X or Mrs. Y. Of course, when talking one-on-one the surnames were not needed.
You can't smell them either.
I'm one of those dreadful people who give nicknames to most everyone, and I use the nickname, or some variation of it, most all the time. Only if I'm not particularly fond of you do you escape. People usually act delighted. Frankly Alexinomia sounds hostile.
My surname is more often used as a first name, and some people won't accept it as my last name until they've asked again, or made a comment such as "Two first names, huh?"
The worst, and I can't believe it happens but it does, is when someone decides to use my first name--which I have never encountered in life or reading as a surname--as if it should be my surname, and files something that way or addresses me that way.
My father and older brother had "three first names" and two were the same (one standard English, one standard German).
I try to say a persons name several times after being introduced because otherwise I'll forget it. But while I don't have Alex-mania, I would rarely say the name of a person I'm alone with. Why would I? They know who I'm talking to.
I am happy if I can remember people's names, no matter how often I have met them.
Observant people know when you avoid using their name because you can't remember it.
I worked with an Annelle, a Janelle, and a Lanelle. Similar enough to cause confusion at times.
"One thing I do have on my mind
If you can clarify, please do
It's the way you call me by another guy's name
When I try to make love to you, yeah."
I rarely address people by their name. I fund it awkward and always have. I prefer to get their attention with a greeting and talk directly.
When I was a kid, I was in awe of the characters who could say "hi Mr. So-and-so." There was no way something like that would come out of my mouth.
I guess the big exception are my kids. Strange that.
Good think observant people are a minority.
I used to work with 5 Kathys.
"Please Don’t Make Me Say My Boyfriend’s Name/Why calling loved ones by their name is strangely awkward"
What about the awkwardness of number disagreement? Do loved ones share a single name? The Atlantic editors have sent so much of their careers pussyfooting around gender-specific pronouns they hardly notice the absurdities their sketchy grammar creates.
Narr said…
“I worked with an Annelle, a Janelle, and a Lanelle. Similar enough to cause confusion at times.”
In that situation, a Brit might say “Bloody ‘Elle”
I wonder if the syndrome "alexinomia" can arise from an emotional closeness with a person that causes one to feel something off about referring to them in a name that forces you to reify and acknowledge their separateness from you.
I am more comfortable using people's names than I was when I was younger. I don't know why it used to bother me more. I think that maybe I was always afraid of getting it wrong because so many people got my name wrong - usually just calling me "Mary", which I hated after a particularly nasty second grade teacher would only call me that.
I'm sure some sales people have wondered why I went from warm and friendly to cold and can't wait to get away from them. This is why.
I always use the first name of the person I'm talking with - whether it's a waiter, a grocery bagger or CEO. Drives my GF nuts. I was wondering where I had picked up the habit from - gotta be "How to Win Friends and Influence People"...read that as a young professional.
We’re in the same club. I have a hard time remembering people’s names for some reason, especially if there’s a long time between seeing them. I can remember their dogs’ names much better. Why? I don’t know.
I mentioned this to my better half after I made the comment earlier. She said she never called my father anything- he just didn't appear like a Dad to (or father) to her. Quote: "The most remote person I've ever met.". To which I asked, "More remote then me?" "Yes, and I married you..."
My children have no complaints with our parenting. They've had the opportunity to see a lot of examples of really bad parenting, and apparently we shine by example. But they early on learned there was huge emotional gulf between my wife's behavior and mine. Sort of a running joke now that they're all grown up having children of their own. If I had been in school during the same era as my children I'd have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Which would have likely ensured I'd never get married and have children....
Happy to add alexinomia to my lexicon.
If a cashier or waitstaff has a name tag on- I'll use it. And if they have an unusual name like "Silver", I'll ask where it came from. If the person is a female- my wife calls that behavior "flirting". I call it being friendly. Apparently my sons do the same thing, all 4 of them. But as I said above, as soon as they're out of sight- their name is disconnected from them. I'll remember I talked with a young lady named Silver, but not be able to recognize her again except in the exact same circumstance...
When I was a kid, we were taught to address adults who were my parents' age or older as Mr. / Mrs. So-and-so, unless invited to do otherwise. Still to this day I default to that with older people out of courtesy. It's less and less common now.
My husband makes fun of me for referring to my sister as "my sister" when we're have a conversation rather than just using her name. It must be a family thing as other members do the same.
In his teenage years my older son took to referring to himself in the third person, using his full name. My wife and I must be impressionable because we've followed suit ever since.
I call my wife by her full first name even though nearly everyone we know calls her by her shortened nickname. I don't know why I find it uncomfortable to shorten it - even when no one else is around.
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