Althouse: "It’s not that I decided not to have a partner. I don’t have a partner, and it happened. It happened step by step."

March 3, 2024

"It’s not that I decided not to have a partner. I don’t have a partner, and it happened. It happened step by step."

"I always had somebody. And my therapist said, Have you ever tried to be alone for six months? And I thought, Well, yeah, that’s strange, I’ve never done that.... And so I said, OK, I’ll try six months. And it was a great serenity, I have to say. And so what was for me a six-month experiment to be alone became a year, two years, and then it extended to become 25 years. I didn’t want it, and sometimes I feel like it would be nice to have a partner. There are certain things I don’t do because I don’t have a partner.... Like traveling.... Or going to parties. Going to parties is the worst. Entering a party by yourself is the worst, because the most aggressive, boring person, they isolate you and talk, talk, talk, talk.... So I don’t socialize that way.... There are certain things that you regret. You regret the camaraderie — not regret, miss the camaraderie. But it didn’t happen. So it’s not a choice. It just didn’t happen...."

Said Isabella Rossellini, quoted in "How to Grow Old Like Isabella Rossellini/'How do I fulfill the rest of my life? That question came to me very clearly at 45, and I didn’t have an answer'" (NYTO

31 comments:

Kevin said...: A lot of American women are on the same path.

They just don’t know it.; 3/3/24, 6:35 AM
Old and slow said...: Not having a partner isn't the end of the world, but not having any children would take away most of the point of life. The funny thing is, if you were childless, you wouldn't even quite know what you had missed out on. There are going to be more and more people like this going forward, until there are not.; 3/3/24, 6:37 AM
khematite said...: Didn't her father and mother get into a lot of trouble for being partners? In fact, wasn't it the very circumstances that led to the birth of Isabel Rossellini that prompted a US senator to call Isabel's mother "a powerful influence for evil"?; 3/3/24, 6:48 AM
readering said...: She has children.; 3/3/24, 7:10 AM
WK said...: And the opportunity for her and Ross Gellar to get together didn’t seem to work out either.; 3/3/24, 7:18 AM
William said...: I think being rich, beautiful, and famous gives you the self confidence needed to face the challenges of old age. More women should try to be rich, beautiful, and famous in their youth. It gives you a balanced perspective when you're older...She has a farm and, in her words, likes to play around with sheep. I knew lonely old men would sometimes do that so it's good to see a woman exploring this area of endeavor previously unexplored by women....I saw a documentary on Ingrid Bergman. Ingrid Bergman was a terrible mother, but she picked a terrific nanny for her children, and her children all turned out well.; 3/3/24, 7:54 AM
Old and slow said...: readering said...
She has children.

Well then, I'd say she's not missing too much.; 3/3/24, 7:54 AM
jaydub said...: I'm suspicious of advice that starts out "my therapist said...." If a person needs a therapist to sort through his life problems, it seems doubtful that person would be a source of wisdom in solving someone else's life problems.; 3/3/24, 8:36 AM
JK Brown said...: "but not having any children would take away most of the point of life."

So what you are saying is the for most of history the lives of most men were pointless. Historically most men didn't have children. Even to the point that we kill off young men by the millions every few decades so the old people with children can "live" their best lives under some foreign policy goal.; 3/3/24, 8:41 AM
n.n said...: She met the wrong man or held the wrong expectations. It happens, a lot, but billions of men and women reconcile to reach a mutually agreeable consensus.; 3/3/24, 8:42 AM
mikee said...: She thrilled me from the movie poster with the python onward.; 3/3/24, 8:52 AM
Temujin said...: I've always liked her.
What Kevin said at 6:35 is true. But she did stop to have kids. So she's done that, and she'll never be alone in that respect.

But I get how she put it. You don't plan to be single. Well...some do and actually, many do these days. But previously, people didn't plan it. It just happened. In steps. You're busy with work, you have relationships that don't pan out, you get on with life and one day it's 3 decades later. And you realize you've found your groove.; 3/3/24, 9:03 AM
rwnutjob said...: would!; 3/3/24, 9:30 AM
Aggie said...: What comes through all of this, to me, is that she's a little sad about it. I'm glad she's had some kids, and glad that she has found a kind of peace with it.

I'll just put it this way: Civilization today largely exists because of the middle class, which largely exists because of the concept of a nuclear family, and the convention of not marrying your cousins. Allowing that to erode over time due to neglect and the disinterest of government (sometimes its actual, pathological antipathy), will turn out to be something that we squandered at our peril.; 3/3/24, 9:35 AM
Skeptical Voter said...: Men don't have children. That's a biological fact, but don't be obtuse. Being a father is work and rewarding in its own way. I think a good father gets as much out of the relationship as does the child.

Too many males today haven't figured that out.; 3/3/24, 9:39 AM
Ann Althouse said...: She and I were pregnant at the same time — 1980/1981 — and we had the same obstetrician. I never ran into her at that Park Avenue office, but isn't that some kind of close degree of separation?; 3/3/24, 9:45 AM
Aggie said...: "She and I were pregnant at the same time — 1980/1981 — and we had the same obstetrician."

Separated at birth ! New category.; 3/3/24, 10:22 AM
Kate said...: She's aged with grace. I'm always thrilled to see her in something because she has a unique presence.; 3/3/24, 10:41 AM
Jupiter said...: "I always had somebody. And my therapist said, Have you ever tried to be alone for six months? And I thought, Well, yeah, that’s strange, I’ve never done that....".

Said by a very rich man or a very beautiful woman.; 3/3/24, 11:05 AM
Randomizer said...: David Lynch shows up twice. Lynch can't find pants and he was dating Isabella Rosselini for a time.

Could Rosselini be more charming?

I liked this part where she very politely calls bullshit on the journalist.

So I don’t understand what you’re digging for. I don’t live my life to be a role model to anybody. I live my life the best I can.

You’re asking me questions about men, as men are who is giving us our identity. They don’t. They do and they don’t.

Rosselini is living an honest and deliberate life. She finds joy where she can and isn't blaming anyone. It almost makes me want an Instagram account to follow her.; 3/3/24, 11:25 AM
Joe Smith said...: She can call me...; 3/3/24, 12:39 PM
Mikey NTH said...: Every commenter here should be grateful that you point these articles. If they ever feel that their lives are out of control they can read these articles and realize they are not as messed up as the authors and subjects of east coast media articles.; 3/3/24, 1:07 PM
n.n said...: Being a father is work and rewarding in its own way.

A man, a husband, a father, a grandfather... equal and complementary, and most men accept their nature and achievements in gay delight with a lifetime of achievements.; 3/3/24, 2:04 PM
Steph said...: I lost my husband recently. I’m 58. I get what she’s saying.; 3/3/24, 3:21 PM
Big Mike said...: Living without a partner doesn’t have to mean no traveling these days. Cruise lines and some tours are starting to cater to single travelers.; 3/3/24, 3:36 PM
n.n said...: Other than to have a child, she doesn't need a man, she is not defined by a man, her life may not be fulfilled by a man. Still, in the natural order, while this outcome be tolerated, it's not something to be encouraged, let alone celebrated, especially when big government and dependent corporations are lusting to be her surrogate boyfriend.; 3/3/24, 4:05 PM
Dave Begley said...: Yeah, Rosselini may be rich and famous but she doesn't have Meade. What a loser she is.; 3/3/24, 4:29 PM
tommyesq said...: "My therapist said..."

Wasn't there a post recently about how therapy was harmful to many people?; 3/3/24, 4:38 PM
charis said...: Solitude is a blessing, or a burden, depending on the circumstances. Rossellini has money and family--that makes a difference. She says her solitude wasn't a choice, yet she chose the initial six month trial solitude. Even when options are limited, we do make these choices. The choices seem small at the time, but they set us on a trajectory.; 3/3/24, 7:03 PM
Joe Smith said...: 'I lost my husband recently. I’m 58. I get what she’s saying.'

I am sorry to hear this...keep going...all you can do...; 3/3/24, 7:26 PM
Former Illinois resident said...: Many older women I know are still married, but some now mostly find themselves operating as if unmarried. "Gray hair" divorce is quite common now, particularly amongst professional higher-income empty-nester couples.

Many older women are emotionally, socially, and financially independent. Their husbands are tacitly emotionally estranged, if not overtly hostile, financially sequestered into "my vs your money" logistics, sometimes even living elsewhere. Their husbands aren't "soul-mates", and the wedding day illusions are long gone. Far too often, old husbands quietly morph into another personal-caretaking responsibility, without much emotional reward for the work expended.

I think Isabella got it right.; 3/4/24, 11:09 AM