Said Arabella Proffer, 45, who has myxoid sarcoma that has spread to spine, lungs, kidney and abdomen and who, we're told, "plans her life two months at a time."
January 27, 2024
"A year before I was first diagnosed, my husband had joked, 'Hey, why don’t we cash out our retirement and follow Motörhead and the Damned on tour through Europe?'"
"When I got the diagnosis, I thought, 'We should have done that.'
My mantra is to leave the damn house, because you never know what’s going to happen if you do. No interesting story ever started with, 'I went to bed at 9pm on a Tuesday.'"
And, from Amanda Nicole Tam, 23, diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS): "I wish I had gone out more with my friends. I wish I had gone to parties and stayed out late. Living life free-spirited is something I feel I missed out on, and I regret that I didn’t take advantage of that when I was younger. Life is short and you should live it how you want, regardless of what people think. Don’t hold back. Say what you want to say and do what you want to do."
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48 comments:
The "burdens"... uh, burdens of convention.
Unless, of course, you follow the normal statistical path and live a long time, and your STD's, wasted money, career destruction, and lack of children are what you regret. You can have "if only" at any age and from any life you choose, pretty much. There are people I could have been kind and generous to but neglected. I wish I had done more for them. Ebeneezer says as much to the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It is true we do not know what comes next and should treat each day as our last. When our lives are tragic, we wish otherwise. Yet Martin Luther said "If I knew the world was ending tomorrow, I would plant a vineyard today."
Well, I did all that anyway.
Here I thought I needed to recover from it.
No interesting story ever started with, 'I went to bed at 9pm on a Tuesday.'"
Ha!
I went to bed at 9pm on a Tuesday, with Lindsay Lohan and Lauren Philips.. I'm pretty ashamed of what happened over the next 48 hours, and Some of it was Just WRONG; but Here are the Details..
It is isn't just the tragically dying young that will face these thoughts- they will come for everyone at some point in a life no matter how long or short. I have made some great decisions in my life, and I have made some terrible ones. I think a lot more about the terrible ones, and I suspect I am in a big majority of the human species.
Assistant Village Idiot asks me to be serious we he said...
You can have "if only" at any age and from any life you choose, pretty much
Ok.. THE thing i am MOST regret not doing was ab afternoon in 1987, when i COULD of asked a particular woman (let's call her Judy K) if she realized that i was In Love with her..
Instead, we just went our own ways; and i'll NEVER KNOW what would have happened*
what would have happened* almost certainly she'd have said: "this was just sex".. But i'll NEVER KNOW
Boredom really is anathema to women. You never hear: I regret not having the chance to meet someone I could love and trust so I could build a life with them. I regret not having the chance to look back at the years of work and sacrifice and know by looking at my husband and my home and my successful children that it was all worthwhile.
No. They wish for action, adventure, decadence, no consequences.
I've done a lot of the things those women wish for. I prefer going to bed at 9 on a Tuesday. It's different for me. I'm a man in my 50s and therefore mostly invisible. But that's an advantage, too. I'm like the main character in The Catbird's Seat, by Thurber. I do the things I want and what I want is sensible, but satisfying. And no one can see it, because I choose not to stick out. But when the end is near, I can look back and say, "I lived. I was here. I was part of it for a while."
I find it interesting that on a Facebook page I follow about social security benefits so many people think it’s crazy to file before 70 you’re losing benefits they say. There seems to be almost no consideration for the lost years of continued work which can never be regained.
I'm in my eighties. I have a couple of progressive ailments, and I presume my exit ramp will be coming up within the next few miles. I have money to travel but no inclination. I have my favorite walk in Central Park. In the summer, there are toddlers, girls in bikinis, cute dogs allowed off leash, the sound of a bat hitting a softball. It's very pleasant and a short walk away.....At a certain age, you look for the comfort of the familiar rather than the shock of the new. Airline travel nowadays is more uncomfortable than the subways. Why go to all that trouble just to have a disappointing experience?
I'm in my eighties. I have a couple of progressive ailments, and I presume my exit ramp will be coming up within the next few miles. I have money to travel but no inclination. I have my favorite walk in Central Park. In the summer, there are toddlers, girls in bikinis, cute dogs allowed off leash, the sound of a bat hitting a softball. It's very pleasant and a short walk away.....At a certain age, you look for the comfort of the familiar rather than the shock of the new. Airline travel nowadays is more uncomfortable than the subways. Why go to all that trouble just to have a disappointing experience?
I know one of the most gonzo rock and roll roadies out there. When he did everything he could to rejoin Motorhead on tour, they fed him a literal 'shit sandwich.' LA Weekly in 2004...
For most of his life, Jef Hickey has taken rock ’n’ roll’s loudest, dumbest, truest and most irresistible messages to heart, perfecting the art of life as a never-ending Kiss chorus. Sure, many people pledge themselves to sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll, but few have done so with the self-destructive verve of the former Studio City resident. Three spiked rings decorate his dick like medals of valor. He’s contracted gonorrhea (six times), crabs (four times), syphilis (three times) and herpes. For more than a decade and a half, with lab-rat consistency, Hickey carpet-bombed his cortex with enough pills to stock a hypochondriac’s medicine cabinet. At 15, he established himself as Boston’s hardest-working rock serf, unloading equipment for bands like Motorhead and Twisted Sister... At 17, he lived a louder, crueler, dramatically less uplifting version of Cameron Crowe’s rock ’n’ roll heartwarmer Almost Famous, joining Megadeth on tour as a roadie and discovering the thorny allure of hard drugs and anal sex with Canadian strippers.
But now he’s 35 and just paroled from a three-year stint in a Sheridan, Oregon, federal prison... Even if drug issues and parole restrictions weren’t clouding his future employment prospects, well, the rock ’n’ roll road life that seems like an adventure in your 20s can become a grind in your 30s. How do you grow old in rock ’n’ roll when you’re not actually a rock star?
In early 2000, Hickey got a call from the Motorhead roadie who 15 years earlier asked him to help unload the band’s equipment at the Channel. He was recovering from surgery, and wanted to know if Hickey was interested in replacing him as Lemmy’s bass tech for the band’s upcoming tour.
“Of course I wanted to replace him,” says Hickey. “I was fucking psyched. I mean, 15 years ago, I was happy just having Lemmy sign my record. And now I’m going to be teching for him for a whole tour — it was like the coup de grâce.” In an article that had appeared in Sex, Tattoos & Rock ’n’ Roll in 1994, Hickey had fantasized that Lemmy was his real father... Now, as the tour started up, he was working for him every night, keeping his bass in good repair and making sure he had a lit cigarette and a glass of Maker’s Mark and Coke waiting at the end of every show.
In Canada, however, a customs agent threatened their nightly routine, refusing Hickey entry because of a prior conviction. As everyone else in the entourage moved onward into British Columbia, Hickey had no option but to retreat to a nearby motel... Finally, he decided to simply walk across the border illegally...
Impressed by Hickey’s long march in the name of rock ’n’ roll, Lord Lemmy rewarded his loyal charge with a big lump of speed. Then, he says, Motorhead’s guitarist Phil Campbell offered him a hamburger. “I was starving because I hadn’t eaten for a long time, so I said, ‘Sure,’” Hickey says. “And because my nose was so torn up from all the speed I’d just snorted, I couldn’t smell.” He could taste it, though, and high as he was, it only took him one bite to realize that Campbell hadn’t given him a hamburger at all, but rather a patty of shit stuck between a bun. “That was my appreciation for being so dedicated to the band,” Hickey says. “A shit sandwich.”
Hickey says Campbell’s prank didn’t really bother him. “I mean, that was just Phil Campbell being Phil Campbell, you know? The guy’s twisted. Really twisted. He’s English. He sticks Sharpies up his ass to sign autographs. He sells ass art at the merch booth.” Even so, Hickey’s ex-girlfriend, Rachell Burns, believes the incident hurt him much more than he’s willing to admit.
“He would have done anything for those guys, and they literally shit on him,” she says. “After all the dealing, all the pimping he’d done for them, that’s what he was worth? It broke his heart.”
Regrets do not make sense, because you have no way of knowing what would have happened if you had done that thing. Sure, you might have met the love of your life -- and then been hit by a bus. People have a tendency of imagining only a positive outcome. Take the Iraq War. You can look at the Middle East now and claim that the U.S. caused this mess. But nobody has any idea what the situation would have been if we had not invaded. Perhaps Saddam would have used chemical weapons to trigger WW III.
I spent much of my life living it as though it were a story and ought to be interesting. I've got some great stories, and Lord knows it was certainly interesting at times. But since I started to go to bed at 9:00 on a Tuesday, it has improved immeasurably. Life needn't resemble an interesting story, and in most cases, it is better if it does not.
I thought of Althouse: The Extraordinary Ordinary of Traveling, by James Lileks.
I agree with him; I like traveling to places and then having nothing happen there. I just like being there.
The guy who “stole” my high school girlfriend from me died of ALS. His “theft” was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I was the lucky one.
We are beginning the planning of our next big, 2+ month trip to OZ/NZ for the beginning of next year. We have seven of these trips under our belts, and have really treasured them. At our ages, one of these days, we're going to do all the planning, spend all the money, and then not go because of some medical issue. But what is the alternative? Never risk anything and then never have gone because something might happen?
Wow!! I can't imagine anything more boring than driving all day to hear the same heavy metal show in the evening.
This answers the question........
I like going to bed at nine. Hell I wish I could go to bed at seven. Especially since the husband started binge-streaming Northern Exposure.
"I find it interesting that on a Facebook page I follow about social security benefits so many people think it’s crazy to file before 70 you’re losing benefits they say. There seems to be almost no consideration for the lost years of continued work which can never be regained."
Plus, you don't know when you will die. If you wait to 70 to retire to maximize your SS benefits, you may drop dead the day, week, or month before (or after) you file, losing out on a few years of free time you could have enjoyed.
I retired a few months past my eligibility date--and I began taking my SS benefits a few months past my retirement date--as that took me to the new year and a bump up of the monthly benefit. (It seemed silly not to wait those handful of months and miss out on that bump.) If I had not moved out of NYC--my wife's desire--I might not have retired when I did, as I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with. As it happens, I still miss some of the people I worked with, (and NYC), but I don't miss working. Earlier this year, my wife and I, along with her two brothers and their wives, took a wonderful 10-day trip to Portugal--my first time out of the US. There's already talk of where we will visit on our next trip(s).
Proffer:
No interesting story ever started with, 'I went to bed at 9pm on a Tuesday.'"
Apparently she never read "A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" as, while not exact, that's pretty much how Ford started his journey.
I recall that was a successful book.
I used to say that I regretted my becoming alcoholic, or at least drinking alcoholically, but I realized I was saying that because I thought you were supposed to say that. The truth, or closer to the truth, is that I enjoyed the heck out of the 90’s and to a lesser extent, the 2000’s. In the 2000s I couldn’t just slide into groups my age and tag along. The 2000s was mostly hidden after hours tours, sordid places. Bottom line is I did that because I wanted to.
"Regrets do not make sense, because you have no way of knowing what would have happened if you had done that thing....People have a tendency of imagining only a positive outcome. Take the Iraq War. You can look at the Middle East now and claim that the U.S. caused this mess. But nobody has any idea what the situation would have been if we had not invaded. Perhaps Saddam would have used chemical weapons to trigger WW III."
Or, almost certainly, not. The US did create this mess. Saddam had no ambitions to trigger WW III or to take over the world. He was satisfied to be a regional tyrant and cooperative "friend" to the US, like other regional tyrants we have worked with. We turned on him and created the lie he was a monstrous mastermind with the desire and plans to attack us simply to give us the rationale to attack Iraq, (all tied in with oil).
I don't think I would feel like this if I heard I'd be shuffling off this mortal coil soon. I think the way I would feel is, "Then I only have X more weeks to live these days the way I am living them, which is just how I like to live my days".
It sounds like fertile ground for a defamation lawsuit.
“Unless, of course, you follow the normal statistical path and live a long time, and your STD's, wasted money, career destruction, and lack of children are what you regret.”
Pretty much this. It is unknowable if you’ll be struck with a terminal disease in your youth or middle-age. So you build your life with the idea that it has a future, which means things like thrift, children, and moderation. You try to make it as interesting as possible but common sense demands restraint.
From what I’ve seen as a volunteer, that 30 years of being a free-spirit is often followed by 30 years of dependency. While it’s purely anecdotal, this seems to be particularly true for women.
"....Saddam had no ambitions to trigger WW III or to take over the world. He was satisfied to be a regional tyrant and cooperative "friend" to the US, like other regional tyrants we have worked with. We turned on him and created the lie...
Because nothing says 'cooperative friend' like invading another country for its natural resources, and then, when thwarted, torching the whole thing with a fire that you can see from the moon.
Funny how a disaster on that kind of scale gets people hating on the US' imperfect foreign policies, instead of clutching at their pearls, like they do when somebody dares to want a gas range and a wood stove and a pickup truck.
I feel sorry for anyone who gets a diagnosis of a terminal illness from their doctors. If it's a done deal, I feel that not knowing is probably better than knowing. My friend, the actor Gary Graham, suddenly passed away this week. He starred in the 80s TV series Alien Nation and the film Robot Jox and he played the Vulcan ambassador in Star Trek Enterprise. His cardiac arrest a few days ago totally took him by surprise. He was having a good time and living life to the fullest right up to the end. I can't imagine how you can enjoy life when you know that you only short number of days left. The stress of that must be unimaginable.
That's why you need to enjoy each day. I can't see how you can enjoy living when you know that death is certain and soon.
“There seems to be almost no consideration for the lost years of continued work which can never be regained.”
That might be true for many, but if the continued work was meaningful, if it provided connection and interest, then it may very well not be true.
Hussein invaded Kuwait. The first Iraq war was a response to his transnational ambition. The war was suspended with a cease fire, sustained under Clinton, then ended with Bush 2 for diverse reasons presented by Powell to the transnational community. The second Iraq war started with Obama's premature withdrawal from Iraq, and subsequent funding of Iranian regime in the Spring series of terrorist conflicts with "benefits" in progress under the Biden regime. Clinton took time off to wage war on Serbia, in defense of Muslim jihadists. Deja vu.
You’ve been to The Masquerade haven’t you Lem?
wild chicken said...
Especially since the husband started binge-streaming Northern Exposure.
think how much more sense that show would have made; if Joel had just fallen for Marilyn?
Robert Cook said...
Saddam had no ambitions to trigger WW III or to take over the world. He was satisfied to be a regional tyrant and cooperative "friend" to the US, like other regional tyrants we have worked with.
Sure, that was pretty much the status quo, until Saddam invaded Kuwait.
I am almost 69 years of age. For the past decade, I have lived a "balls to the wall" life, working two jobs, getting involved with young women, living as I wished -- not caring about the outcomes. About eight weeks ago, a pain emerged that indicated I needed hip replacement surgery. Along with other medical issues, this is the first time I have ever felt my age.
My boss at the restaurant blames it on "twenty-something young women" doing it to me. Probably.
I'll muddle along for a second act. I hope
I have a friend who was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of COVID. That is to say, as her treatment got underway, she was one of the people who would actually be at serious risk of she contracted the virus. So she was cautious.
She's now in remission, thank goodness. But she's still so cautious.
Now, to be fair, she is of the type of personality who would have been first to adopt a mask and last to give it up - farthest in social distancing - first in line for the vaccine and all boosters. But I've wondered what she would have done of her cancer hasn't responded to treatment.
Story linked only for the metal umlaut…
"My friend, the actor Gary Graham, suddenly passed away this week. … he played the Vulcan ambassador in Star Trek Enterprise."
Awww, my condolences. I enjoy his portrayal of that role. Enterprise lulls me to sleep most nights.
That's why you need to enjoy each day. I can't see how you can enjoy living when you know that death is certain and soon.
As to the first sentence, absolutely.
As to the second, death is certain and could always be soon. We all have to try to enjoy our life under those circumstances.
I've found that the fear of death I had, in spades, in my youth has faded a lot in middle age. I don't know what I would (or will) feel if I'm ever given a diagnosis of a terminal illness. I hope that if that's my lot, I'll face it squarely - whatever that means.
“There seems to be almost no consideration for the lost years of continued work which can never be regained.”
I didn't understand this comment (on taking SocSec at age 70) at first but now I think it rests on the assumption that people who wait until age 70 to file are WORKING up until that age.
In our case, I retired early and have a pension. He's still working full time and is sixty-four. He will also have a pension, so my hope is to hold off to claim SS until it's as close to age 70 as we can get without a loss in our standard of living. We have enough money now and what I fear is running out of money when we get older, especially if we need care. Claiming at or near age 70, our break-even point will still be earlier than our average life expectancy. I think it makes sense for us to not claim right now, or even when we reach our SS full retirement age (at almost sixty-seven).
"About eight weeks ago, a pain emerged that indicated I needed hip replacement surgery."
65 years old and no major health issues ever, I went in for a routine checkup five years ago. The doctor heard something through his stethoscope. One echocardiogram later, I'm scheduled for heart surgery to replace a faulty valve to repair a birth defect.
You never really know, do you?
"My boss at the restaurant blames it on "twenty-something young women" doing it to me."
All twenty-something of them, at once?
"Earlier this year, my wife and I, along with her two brothers and their wives, took a wonderful 10-day trip to Portugal--my first time out of the US. There's already talk of where we will visit on our next trip(s)."
Cookie may be a Commie, but he's no revolutionary.
Life is short. Death is certain. Do not ask for whom the Bell tolls...
My younger/est brother will be 65 in May, and has been in generally good health for a guy who eats way too much (how he has avoided the maternal-side curse of diabetes is a mystery) but last week he was at his annual checkup and was in A-fib.
Has been to the specialists and will get shock and perhaps ablation. I had the ablation in 2020 (or was it '19?).
We went out to eat and discussed wills in a serious way, and have resolved to get everything on paper properly. He stayed at home and got the house we grew up in, and has held onto the various legacies (not to mention truckloads of furniture) we have come into, and also bought some Adobe stock long ago at a good price . . .
His bottom line is much healthier than mine (I'm still paying a mortgage though I've sold enough stock to pay it off and then some) but we no longer assume that he will outlive me just because I'm 6 years older. Of course he wants to leave something to my son too.
My wife and I keep urging him to travel overseas before he's too old, and he might.
A few years ago my asshole brother said I looked unhealthy and he worried that I was going to die soon, despite no major known maladies. I thought about and wondered for a bit, "what if he's right?" So I made what I call my "Death List". A summary of what I feel good about from my life in one column and what I regret in the second column. It proved an excellent exercise. As it turned out, I felt pretty good about the good stuff, and not all that bad about the bad stuff. And in the years since, I have move two items from the regret list to the good list - finally finished restoring my house AND have experienced a happy marriage. It's not like there wasn't intermediate drama. I was in a plane over Greenland on the way to meet my fiancee from Odessa and her Dad from Moscow when I got the news of the Russian invasion. That pretty much ended my life in Ukraine. I got a project in Thailand in the summer of 2022 and met my current wife then and there. You never know what will happen once you set foot outside your door. Better not go out if you don't want to know.
Have purpose. Keep productive. Make right with God. Hold friends and family close. Forgive and forget. Stare into dog's eyes.
”Sure, that was pretty much the status quo, until Saddam invaded Kuwait.”
That was because Kuwait was slant-drilling into Iraq’s oil fields. The US ambassador April Glaspie told him the U.S. had no opinion on Iraq’s dispute with Kuwait, inadvertently or purposely leading Saddam to think he had the US’s pass to address the dispute in any way he chose. After he initiated attacks against Kuwait abd the U.S. expressed “outrage” and expressed intent to intervene, Saddam expressed willingness to suspend his military action, but he wanted a negotiated end to ensure Iraq was compensated in some way for Kuwait’s actions. The US ignored Hussein and presses in with our attack on Iraq. (Saddam’s offer of a negotiated end to hostilities was barely reported in the U.S. media. I remember reading about it as it was reported in Newsday, a Long Island newspaper that was my preferred daily paper at the time. Newsday was one of only two or three US newspapers that reported it. I don’t think it was ever reported on broadcast newscasts at the time.)
The US could have ended Iraq’s incursion into Kuwait quickly and without mounting an attack, but Bush ignored Saddam’s offer to settle. It seems clear Bush WANTED to attack Iraq, for reasons of his own, either as global gamesmanship or just to give himself a boost as a “decisive” president ready to use military action, rather than as a wimp and ineffectual Commander in Chief.
Blogger Robert Cook said...
It seems clear Bush WANTED to attack Iraq, for reasons of his own, either as global gamesmanship or just to give himself a boost as a “decisive” president...
You know, back when this happened, I would have dismissed Cook's theory as crackpot anti-Americanism. It seems to me now that was often the fool back then.
How remarkable that not a single one of the commenters here mentioned having a thought about what comes after physical death. In years gone by, people thought about death quite often, as well as prepared for it, because death was an ever-present companion. Death in child-bearing; death of children from disease; death of family members, friends and neighbors from disease or accident. People in The West used to prepare by acquainting themselves with the Bible, particularly what Jesus said about the topic; some, myself among them, still do, and live accordingly. Perhaps the commenters here fancy themselves too intelligent to believe any of that. As usual, Shakespeare said it best. Lord, what fools these mortals be!
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