December 25, 2021

"For years my mother bought me perfectly nice sweaters of a kind that I never wear: sweaters with patterns, 'Cosby Show' sweaters, suburban dad sweaters."

"I felt she was attempting to dress me as a big sexless teddy bear rather than a man living in New York City and still hoping, in middle age, to attract a mate. The most memorable of these was bright red, with a gold crest on its breast, like the sigil of the kind of hoity-toity prep school I did not attend, and drooped so hugely on me I looked like a small boy dressed in his father’s clothes. My girlfriend charitably suggested that I 'loomed large' in my mother’s mind.... My friend Boyd and I have an aphorism: All mothers live in palaces built of lies. When Mom gave me a gray-and-white snowflake-pattern sweater one Christmas, I took it across the country with me to Seattle, where I staged photographs of myself wearing it with friends.... Later that afternoon, we returned the sweater to Macy’s.... A few years ago, I finally wore a sweater that Mom gave me 10 years earlier to visit her in the memory care unit at her retirement home. Although she no longer remembered the sweater, she did go out of her way to admire it, and I got to tell her that it was from her...."

1. "All mothers live in palaces built of lies" — Ironically, that's a lie that the son is telling himself. The mother in his mind lives in a palace made of lies he's telling himself about what must be in her mind. 

2. He doesn't even have his lie-palace built straight. He won't commit to whether his mother wanted him to look unlovable ("sexless") or lovable ("hoping... to attract a mate") or go too deeply into whether he's thinking of the interior of his mother's mind or his own. 

3. Maybe his mother was playfully participating in the Ugly Christmas Sweater meme and waiting for him to overcome his politeness and call her out. He's a humorist. Did he not get some/any of his humor from her? 

4. Do sons stereotype their mothers as Mothers? I won't say all sons stereotype their mothers as Mothers, but the ones who begin sentences with "All mothers..." certainly do — unless they're just kidding.

5. I learned a new word: "sigil."
The artist and occultist Austin Osman Spare... turned the Medieval practice of using sigils to evoke entities on its head, arguing that such supernatural beings were simply complexes in the unconscious, and could be actively created through the process of sigilization....

In chaos magic, following Spare, sigils are most commonly created by writing out the intention, then condensing the letters of the statement down to form a sort of monogram. The chaos magician then uses the gnostic state to "launch" or "charge" the sigil – essentially bypassing the conscious mind to implant the desire in the unconscious....

After charging the sigil, it is considered necessary to repress all memory of it: in the words of Spare, there should be "a deliberate striving to forget it"....

Grant Morrison... has... argued that modern corporate logos like "the McDonald's Golden Arches, the Nike swoosh and the Virgin autograph" are a form of viral sigil: 
Corporate sigils are super-breeders. They attack unbranded imaginative space. They invade Red Square, they infest the cranky streets of Tibet, they etch themselves into hairstyles. They breed across clothing, turning people into advertising hoardings... The logo or brand, like any sigil, is a condensation, a compressed, symbolic summoning up of the world of desire which the corporation intends to represent... Walt Disney died long ago but his sigil, that familiar, cartoonish signature, persists, carrying its own vast weight of meanings, associations, nostalgia and significance.

6. I'm sure that's more than you wanted to know about sigils! Not very Christmas-y either, is it? 

51 comments:

Wince said...

Reminds me of the old saying, "I wouldn't wear that to a rock fight."

Which is odd, because every "rock fight" I've attended was more of an impromptu affair.

tcrosse said...

The corollary is my Dear Wife pretending to like the awful gifts her clueless sons give her.

madAsHell said...

These people are absolutely fucking tedious.

Why do you read that shit??

The writer has no idea what a "rock fight" is, and neither do I, but I'm confident it would END with the writer suffering a permanent wedgie. It influences his writing to this day.

tim in vermont said...

The unbearable sadness of having nothing good to write about.

SeanF said...

In regards to your comment number two:

"...a big sexless teddy bear rather than a man...still hoping...to attract a mate".

He sees himself as hoping to attract a mate. He doesn't think his mother sees him as that.

Lucien said...

I think the author is the one still hoping to attract a mate; and he would rather do so in fashionable clothes than large, unsexy sweaters. I will also bet you that more people think “Game of Thrones” when they read “sigil” than more obscure theories.

David Begley said...

Ingrate.

retail lawyer said...

40 years ago or so, Mom gave me a sweater for Christmas - light blue with white reindeer and pure synthetic something or other. And for 30 years I never wore it unless it was the last clean thing I had. But then I realized it was excellent as a "layer" when biking, so sometimes it was exposed when going uphill. And people starting complimenting it, even trendy young girls who should be ignoring me. In fact, I cannot ever wear it without receiving compliments. Now it is too worn out and I must ditch it. Thanks mom, and merry Christmas in heaven.

Narr said...

I'm surprised you didn't know 'sigil.' Sigils were all over GOT, and I'm sure I've seen it in comments here (perhaps my own).

Never heard the rock fight saying.

My late mother was born on December 27. She was easy to find Christmas gifts for, but birthday presents were more challenging.

And, this literally happened:
One Christmas she gave me two nice ties for work. The next time I saw her after work I was wearing one of them. She was sorry I didn't like the other one. (Slow ten count . . . she's your mother . . .)

Rollo said...

I felt she was attempting to dress me as a big sexless teddy bear rather than a man living in New York City and still hoping, in middle age, to attract a mate."

No, you fool, Mommy was going for the big sexy teddy bear look that no woman can resist.

Tom T. said...

The part about "still wanting to find a mate" is the key here. He feels like a loser, and he's projecting that insecurity into thinking that everyone else sees him that way too.

I'm not saying that *I* think he's a loser. Plenty of people just haven't met the right person. But clearly that's how he sees himself.

Omaha1 said...

Hasn't everyone received gifts, given with the best of intentions, that were not appreciated? You don't have to wear it, you don't have to use it. If someone else might find it useful, then quietly give it away to a charitable organization. At this point in my life the gifts I most appreciate are those that I can eat or spend, which don't take up any space in my house.

Gahrie said...

No woman must ever be made to feel bad about, or responsible for, anything, ever.

The splooge stooge should shut up and wear the damn sweater.

JPS said...

retail lawyer, I love that. It is a beautiful counterpoint to Krieder's unbearable, but chosen, sadness.

gadfly said...

Wince said...
Reminds me of the old saying, "I wouldn't wear that to a rock fight."

Which is odd, because every "rock fight" I've attended was more of an impromptu affair.


I couldn't find that old saying but I did find a sort of definition that called rock fight incidents "pitched battles of unrelenting fury, where injuries were frequent" (perhaps from pitching real rocks?).

Wilbur said...

Another article where I'd love to review the top-rated comment.

To me, it just seems like a helluva thing to complain about, especially on Christmas. I'd give my left arm just to be able to see my parents today.

Ann Althouse said...

"I'm surprised you didn't know 'sigil.' Sigils were all over GOT..."

I take that to mean you are surprised I didn't watch Game of Thrones. I have never had any interest in the show, not ever enough to begin to sample even a single episode. I seems perfectly dull.

7.62x54 R said...

56 years ago a friend of mine was in the Air Force and stationed in Iceland. My mother and his were also good friends. My mother contacted him and arranged for the purchase of four Icelandic sweaters, one for each of her kids. Of course I still have mine and will be wearing it to Reykjavik this February. It is a great sweater. (I think she paid $10 but the fog is setting in).

Ann Althouse said...

"He sees himself as hoping to attract a mate. He doesn't think his mother sees him as that."

I see what you are saying, but going back and rereading it several times, I still see my first impression. I'll concede that it's ambiguous.

My impression:

He's talking about what he felt she was trying to dress him as — either "a big sexless teddy bear" or "a man living in New York City and still hoping, in middle age, to attract a mate." We can see that he believes she's making him look sexless, but does he also believe that's what she's TRYING to do or is she trying to make him look lovable? He's only vaguely and not outright accusing her of intending to ruin his sex life.

EAB said...

My mom often gave me presents that had no relation to my taste, but I learned that, over time, my taste might change such that the gift was something I would enjoy (generally jewelry or clothes). Only once did I actually refuse a gift. It was a bejeweled large t-shirt with some fancy pattern designed to be worn with a thing that scrunched it up on one of the hips. Very ‘80s and, to me, horrifying. I told her it was cute, but I admitted that I would never wear it and she should return it. She said, “Oh, I thought you might like it…I see all the girls wearing these.” Thankfully, she wasn’t offended.

Sean Gleeson said...

I don't think that sentence is ambiguous. If you strip away modifiers, the clause is “...she was attempting to dress me as a … teddy bear, rather than [as] a man…

(I had to add the implicit second [as] to make it parallel.)

So, his accusation is that his mother wants him to be the bear, and not the man. The adjectives “big” and “sexless” modify “bear,” and can be adduced from how oversized and unattractive (in his estimation) the sweaters are.

The clauses starting with “living” and “hoping” both modify “man,” and are therefore not the qualities his mother wants him to exhibit. So, the unlovable/lovable paradox in your reading really does not exist. (And I would say teddy bears are perfectly lovable, just in a, you know, platonic way.)

But you want to know what confused me? He whined about hoping to attract a mate, then just two sentences later, cited his girlfriend's opinion of his mother's motives. So, this girlfriend, is this not the mate he was hoping to attract? Is he trying to attract a boyfriend? (Maybe he mentioned his orientation in the article, I can't read NYT content.) But if so, how would he expect his mother to pick suitable attire for that?

Bill Peschel said...

"I started to write this essay a decade ago, in the thick of the socks and khakis crisis, but I knew I would have to wait until my mother died before I could publish it, lest she learn I returned the sweaters and did give all the underwear to bums. It did not occur to me then that once I was free to publish it, it would become a different essay. I can’t pretend I wish I had worn all the sweaters Mom gave me now that she’s gone; I still have one in a drawer that I’ll continue not wearing until I die. These objects haunt us; there’s no returning them, not really."

Don't drag us into this. This says a lot more about what you think of love.

It's not the gift, it's the fact that the person who gave it to you thought of you while picking it out.

If you're sensitive to that, who cares what the gift is? If it's useful, that's a bonus.

Your mother's love was wasted on you.

loudogblog said...

I was a little bothered that he wore that one sweater around and then returned it to Macy's. Once you start wearing an article of clothing, it's technically, used. If you don't want it, you should donate it to a charity so that can sell it to someone who might want it as a used article of clothing.

Caligula said...

Is that a symbol from a schematic diagram of an electronic circuit, or is it a sigil?

Narayanan said...

I learned 'sigil' in A Civil Campaign by Lois Bujold when Dr. Enrique Borgos genetically puts Vorkosigan Sigil on Butter Bugs that can breed true for generations

wayworn wanderer said...

What a whiner this dude (?) is. And his mother still loved him.

robother said...

All sons living in New York City need to show contempt for their mothers in front of their friends. Under pain of being sentenced to Scarsdale.

Joe Smith said...

Is a Sigil like a Horcrux?

My parents (well, Santa really) got us socks and pencils and crayons.

We turned out fine...

Joe Smith said...

'He sees himself as hoping to attract a mate. He doesn't think his mother sees him as that.'

I thought it was going to end with him coming out to his mom...

Assistant Village Idiot said...

I recall a reply by Judith Martin, "Miss Manners" decades ago. I didn't realise that clumsy but well-meaning gestures were in such oversupply that we should be discouraging them.

iowan2 said...

I won't say all sons stereotype their mothers as Mothers, but the ones who begin sentences with "All mothers..."

I never said all mothers. Mine was an individual. Just like I was not "all boys" our parents saw individuals, although the community often know there were three brothers, but not which of us was which.

My point, the writer is living in a stereotype, he created.

The Vault Dweller said...

The first instance of a rock fight was actually redacted from the Bible. Apparently there were a couple groups of people around with overly estimable assessments of themselves when Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I think the modern phrasing for Rock Fight is an Iranian Standoff, though it is probably an Iranian Standoff gone bad.

Tyrone Slothrop said...

I first encountered the word "sigil" while playing the very entertaining video game, "The Talos Principle". One solves complicated kinetic 3D puzzles and collects sigils in the process. The sigils are then used in solving further puzzles. Sigils.

Freeman Hunt said...

Who expects to like their actual gifts? You're supposed to like a gift in that someone made an effort on your behalf.

farmgirl said...

I appreciate this post- maybe b/c I have one son who is precious- my only son… &3girls- it’s not that he was my fav- he was a quiet oasis in Chaos for me. The full moon raises havoc w/emotional girls. I believe. Sigil- well- O, Come Divine Messiah takes care of that for me nicely.

farmgirl said...

… maybe his Mom just misses dressing her little boy in cute things. I wonder what he got his Mom for Christmas and if she was as disappointed and critical with his gifts as he?

farmgirl said...

I think the saying is cock fight- but, how appropriately woke would that be, now, eh?

mikee said...

In the sincere belief that the winter holy day of Christmas should involve gifts that are symbolic of the reason for the season, I often give flashlights as gifts. Let this gift be a light unto the world, I say.

Gahrie said...

I take that to mean you are surprised I didn't watch Game of Thrones. I have never had any interest in the show, not ever enough to begin to sample even a single episode. I seems perfectly dull.

I presume you meant "it". The one thing Game of Thrones isn't is dull. To be honest, I don't think you'd like it very much either.

Narr said...

No Prof, I knew you didn't care for GOT, but it got discussed here from time to time IIRC.

The surprise was real, GOT or not.

Narr said...

Apologies for multicommenting. We were surprised by some visitors and I got distracted.

No, Prof, my surprise was real and not based on GOT, though IIRC there was discussion of the show here. You were very clear in your dislike of the series--and for my part one viewing was enough.

I had run into the term before GOT, but GOT made it famous.

Smilin' Jack said...

I take that to mean you are surprised I didn't watch Game of Thrones. I have never had any interest in the show, not ever enough to begin to sample even a single episode. I seems perfectly dull.

You made the right choice. After half an episode I could feel my brain begin trying to gnaw its way out of my skull.

Unknown said...

The author sounds like a real d***.

Aussie Pundit said...

Ann:
I see what you are saying, but going back and rereading it several times, I still see my first impression. I'll concede that it's ambiguous.

With all due respect - for which I have much - in this case you're off-target.
You've mis-parsed the sentence, and having done so, your brain somehow can't re-parse it the right way. A number of other commenters have commented to make a similar point. Not only has nobody else agreed with you, nobody else is willing to even entertain the claim that it's ambiguous. Personally, I read that bit of the excerpt smoothly, easily and without confusion, and found your interpretation jarring.

Maybe that's because the notion of being de-sexualised via gifts (which is a central theme of his article) made sense to me, so it was an easily digestible point.

Tina Trent said...

Hate the sweater.

Love the mom.

Don't over think it.

Narr said...

Diagram! Diagram!

We demand diagram!

rcocean said...

Who else but the NYT's would have a story about a mother giving her son unwanted sweaters. Judas Priest, a high point of Christmas for many people is giving and recieving gifts from their family and loved ones. So, NYT's gives us a NEGATIVE story about gift giving.

And what the hell is your mom giving you gifts when you're an adult with a job and money? Give her the fucking gifts. All I ever wanted from my mother after the age of 23 was her delicious mincemeat pie or a Fruitcake.

Jon Burack said...

Farmer,

Not that it's relevant to the shameful mistreatment of Rowling, but you are basically correct about Galileo. However, I don't think his theory about the sloshing of the tides was his only "proof" of a sun-centered solar system. I think he also assumed his telescopic observations (Jupiter's moons, the surface of our Moon, etc.) also offered strong evidence for his views. Also, it was never clear that Copernicus meant his theory literally (he likely did, but that got obscured). Galileo clearly did. So the Church was faced with a new kind of challenge to its views. Its objections to Galileo's certainty were warranted, but their punishing of him was not.

Mikey NTH said...

Is it possible for anyone in East Coast media to just get a gift like that and chuckle saying "Mom and her sweaters." Or to say "I always look forward to mom's Christmas sweater."

Everything seems to be a near-unbearable burden of angst for these writers. The trauma of making coffee must be nearly all that any of these poor souls can bear.

Norpois said...

"My Mom gave me a sweater I didn't like." Really?
I mean, a sensible person reading this would of course think, if there is indeed any "unbearable sadness" involved, it must or should be his mother's for having brought up such a pathetic child -- squared. I say "squared" because not only is he so childish as to be butt-hurt by the embarassing-to-him gift, but he squares it by....publishing, yes, publishing.... a piece that ridicules his mom. It's really hard to think of something more despicable, unless your mom happens to be, say, poisoner.
So offspring are butt-hurt by clothing gifts that don't reflect THEIR level of coolness, but have no sympathy for the sadness their parents must have felt by the way the children dressed (embarrassing to their parents) as teen-agers. This article is by a man who is at a teen-age emotional level (it's all about him), whatever age he is chronologically. I must it's been at least a week since I read an article that persuaded me so much that every country except USA and W Europe are more fit to inherit the future. He can't give the sweater back -- and that "hurts" him. Please. I'm glad we didn't have to fight World War 2 with his type on our side.

Norpois said...

Sons like him live in a palace built of lies -- that they are perfect and see their Mom's inadequacies, and the mother is both to blame for the problems the son thinks he has surmounted and for her own faults. That is the relevant palace of lies. I think most Mom's see their children for what they are -- and if you have a son who is such a jerk, just buy him damn sweater. Nothing you can do now, you were dealt a bad hand.