From "One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List" by Kate Bowler (NYT). Bowler, 35, a professor at Duke Divinity School, has "Stage IV colon cancer and a slim chance of survival." She is subjected to "mental health assessments at the cancer clinic during which lovely and well-meaning counselors, all seemingly named Caitlin, are telling [her] to 'find my meaning'" and suggesting that she "consider making a 'bucket list.'"
August 29, 2021
"The problem with aspirational lists, of course, is that they often skip the point entirely. Instead of helping us grapple with our finitude..."
"... they approximate infinity. They imply that with unlimited time and resources, we can do anything, be anyone. We can become more adventurous by jumping out of airplanes, more traveled by visiting every continent, or more cultured by reading the most famous books of all time. With the right list, we will never starve with the hunger of want.
A few years ago, the father of one of my divinity students discovered that he was in the last months of life. Much to everyone’s astonishment, his father didn’t have a wish list. In fact, his father didn’t wish for anything at all. Not a trip. Not a meal. He sat contentedly in his overstuffed recliner in the living room humming about how much he loved his family."
From "One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List" by Kate Bowler (NYT). Bowler, 35, a professor at Duke Divinity School, has "Stage IV colon cancer and a slim chance of survival." She is subjected to "mental health assessments at the cancer clinic during which lovely and well-meaning counselors, all seemingly named Caitlin, are telling [her] to 'find my meaning'" and suggesting that she "consider making a 'bucket list.'"
From "One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List" by Kate Bowler (NYT). Bowler, 35, a professor at Duke Divinity School, has "Stage IV colon cancer and a slim chance of survival." She is subjected to "mental health assessments at the cancer clinic during which lovely and well-meaning counselors, all seemingly named Caitlin, are telling [her] to 'find my meaning'" and suggesting that she "consider making a 'bucket list.'"
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27 comments:
I regret that I have so few buckets...maybe I should put that on my list.
My bucket list:
1) Wash your bowl
What profit a man to save his soul if he has never run with bulls at Pamplona? Marky Mark 8:36 (Kinky Jim Ed.)
Once you complete your "bucket list" you are done. That's finitude. Of course the temptation is to keep adding to the "bucket list" in the expectation that one can keep on doing new things. That's what people do when they are alive. They keep trying things and doing things. Finitude is there in the end whatever you do. It's coming for you. Whether you grapple with it or not it will grapple with you and take you away. Why not avoid it as long as you can? Why not pursue the illusion that there are always new experiences waiting for you while you can enjoy them?
Still, I feel sorry for the writer. And sorry for all the counselors named Caitlin who have to find ways to embolden and encourage people who are dying.
It’s the medical beaurocracy that’s broken- poisoned by politics and higher ed graduating too many girls that should be working at Alex and Ani far away from patients.
No aspirational lists for me. My bucket list is just about done. Couple of things here and there but pretty much already finis back when I was young enough to enjoy them and gain wisdom from the experience going into the future.
After living thru a messy early 60s divorce battle, won by my father (and his beloved but domineering mother, my granny), my main goals in life were to be comfortable enough not to worry too much about money, and have a good wife.
There were lots of others "this could be fun, or a good adventure".
In Slovakia, I tell this about me: "I didn't come to Slovakia to get rich, and I've been very successful." It's a comfy, middle class life.
With a GREAT wife, and 4 fine, healthy kids. Looks like a couple of grandkids coming early next.
I was in the hospital a couple years ago, with a blood clot in the heart - could have died. I'm grateful for every day now, tho I don't quite take my daily medicine the 4x as I should.
The entitled, spoiled folk in post-Christian Capitalist civilization take too many good things for granted. People are happier when they're grateful, but far more often grateful when they've had problems or been without.
We don't yet know, as a society, how to teach gratitude to those who have "everything they need", but still want more.
If I never see the Taj Mahal, nor Singapore, my life will still have been great -- yet I'm still hoping to visit these and other places.
Eat well.
Stay fit.
Die anyway.
Sums it up.
About 17 years ago, my father received a heart valve replacement, a procedure he and his parents had known he would need since he was a boy, due to a congenitally faulty valve.
About four years ago, the 13 extra years the artificial valve bought him began to come to an end. Fortunately, the process was slow enough that I was able to go home to see him and help Mom with what she needed help with, twice, before the end. This also meant that I had time to see how Dad was and, ultimately, say goodbye to him.
My parents were and are devout Lutherans—Mom's father was a pastor—and they consistently showed me what that means throughout their lives, in ways big and small. But there is no Christian witness that holds a candle to the equanimity with which my father approached his death. He was content, and the only thing that marred his contentedness was his concern for Mom.
I would agree that, if you're facing death and that's the point at which you start looking for your life's meaning, you're likely to be in a bad spot, if for no other reason than that I've seen the diametric opposite of that phenomenon.
I don't know what I would do were I told I had months to live. I definitely don't see myself as the bucket list type, though. I would probably just spend that time getting all my affairs in order, including saying goodbye to the ones I loved. They would get most of my remaining time.
Grapple with our finitude is something we have to do regardless of whether we have a bucket list. Friends and relatives younger than I have passed away, someday I will follow them.
Duke Divinity School does not usually produce people with this much sense. She will be a real loss to (probably) the Methodist Church.
I read Roger Ebert's reviews for decades. I respected his opinion, without alwayz agreeing. This is, perhaps, my favorite:
https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-bucket-list-2008
A decade ago I went out of my way to spend some time with one of my Mom's brothers (Harry) and one of her cousins (Doris). They were both in their late 80's at the time. I sat fascinated as they reminisced about their childhoods, about their relatives and about my deceased parents. After a short pause in the conversation Doris said "You know Harry, if the Lord takes me tonight I'm ready. I've had a good life." My uncle, Harry, replied "Me too. When the time comes I'm ready."
Isn't that what we should aspire to? Skip the bucket list. I'll take tranquility and fulfillment.
My son has stage 3 colon cancer. So he recently bought his childhood dream - a Chevy Corvette convertible. It's a 2001 with a stick shift. He let his mother (me) drive it. It helps to take one's mind off of things for a little while. But his prognosis is good and he has a LOT of people praying for him. I don't have a bucket list but the one thing I would like to do one more time is take a 1966 Mustang Convertible out on the road on a warm, summer day. If I found out I didn't have long to live...family all the way.
What is with the colon cancer in these young people?? They changed the age to 45 for the first colonoscopy but that doesn't seem early enough. Son isn't yet 40.
@Two-eyed Jack
That was excellent.
@BG
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you well.
I lost my bucket list in my man cave while searching for the meaning of life.
At 68, I'm the first old man in my father's line since 1959, when Opa died at 75. Dad lived to 39 (cancer) and I have lost my older brother and my next brother (both barely 55), only the third and youngest remains.
I'll count myself lucky to match Opa, much less Oma's 94 or my mother's 91. In fact, I'd rather skip being the way those last two got for their last handful of years.
That said, I still have places to go and things to experience.
I have a casual bucket list, but it includes a short list of things I'd like to learn before I die. The intent is to keep my brain active, always learning, or to keep my body in good shape: learn a second language, master calligraphy, and take up a martial art.
I can't imagine what it must be like to know how short your time on this earth might be. But one problem with a bucket list is that it forces your to focus on achieving token accomplishments instead of letting life happen. One thing cancer probably teaches us is that you can't control the life you have, whether it be how many days you have or if you see the pyramids.
BTW, I used to have a modest bucket list of experiences I wanted to try. The Tai Mahal was never on it, nor Beijing nor even the Winchester House in California. The only things left still to do are (1) hold a grandchild — and there’s nothing I can do to speed that along — and (2) visit Banff for a week and stay that luxurious hotel. And I cannot do the latter until Biden and Trudeau stop their lockdown of the Canadian border. Hard to accept that Andrés Manuel López Obrador is the only competent leader on the North American continent.
I saw this post yesterday and decided to consider the topic a little before posting my thoughts. Having had three cancers in the last 7 years, prostate with radical prostatectomy in 2014, squamous cell of the base of tongue in 2016 with chemo and radiation treatment, and thyroid with a thyroidectomy in 2020, at 61 years old I have had several solid occasions to consider my death. At my diagnosis in 2016, I felt pretty sure of my eminent death because of the involvement of several lymph nodes. Due to the nature of this particular strain of cancer that was caused by my infection with the HPV virus 25-30 years prior, it wasn't as poor a prognosis as I initially feared.
My biggest fear about dying is being unable to help my wife and children after the event. Right now, all three of these family members are doing about as well as they each have ever done and so the fear of death is not nearly as strong as it was about a year and a half ago when everyone was struggling with significant issues. It's a good time to die, but I would prefer to take my chances on their continued successes and make it another several years. Although I've wasted a lot of time in my life (but was it wasted?), I have had a jagged but mostly upward trajectory on the quality of my life experiences and my skill as a human being. The fear of death following the deaths of my father and several close friends around 2006, led me into a classic mid-life crisis at 46 years old that prompted my entering law school in 2008. At the time of this existential crisis, upon review I was horrified at where I was in my life. I literally considered how I would feel if I were given three months to live and it shook me to the core. Now, as long as I feel like I am generally making progress in realizing my potential, the concerns about what I have or have not done are not nearly as great. It's mostly about family.
Lurker21 said...
complete your "bucket list" you are done. That's finitude. Of course the temptation is to keep adding
I've decided (Just NOW!); that My Bucket List, is to visit EVERY Battlefield where the USA fought
If i Live Forever; i Might finish it... But Only 'cause someone(thing) finished the USA
Next up, this Sept 17th, the Battle of Antietam Creek!
The place were the Civil War (would have) ended (IF McCellan hadn't been McCellan)
Visit the Battlefields of the US Army! See the places, where they threw it All Away!
Seriously, how the world has changed
People used to WANT to die gloriously and heroicly
Then people wanted to die accomplishing some Great Thing
Then people wanted to have 'had a good life' so that 'When the time comes' they're ready
NOW! people want to 'climb all the 14'ers', or fish the '100 best trout streams in the world'
If you're Really going to have a bucket list,
shouldn't the things on it (at least) be meaningful instead of just expensive?
When I was in high school, there was a soft spoken boy I knew from playing Little League baseball. Tiger was his nickname. He lost his right leg to cancer one year and then his life. He sat in front of me in a class, so we got to talk about his situation. I found myself in awe of his outlook, his bravery, his faith in our Creator and his belief that everything would turn out okay. I still think of Craig “Tiger” Anderson every now and then and damn if I don’t get a little choked up every time I do.
About 20 or so years ago I was sitting in a Lions Club meeting when one of the members raised the question: what would you do if you were sure you only had three months to live. I immediately said: go out and buy a pack of Newports. Three quarters of the club members laughed and agreed with me.
I guess that's my bucket list.
Actually, ever since Mrs. Tank died from brain cancer a few years ago (and I got out of my resultant funk), I've tried to enjoy and appreciate every day, regardless of what I was doing. It's not really a list.
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