"... which may or may not 'match' our sex, and that the third-person pronoun someone uses to describe us should reflect this identity rather than our sex. People call me 'she' because that is the third-person pronoun we generally use to describe female humans (and other animals), and I take that to mean nothing more than that they have correctly recognized me as female. However, announcing that 'my pronouns are she/her' would mean something very different: an indication that 'woman' represents my identity rather than simply my bodily reality; in other words, that I identify in some way with the social role of 'woman' or with stereotypical femininity (which I do not). People who have transitioned should of course be addressed with courtesy, but imposing the idea of 'gender identity' with corresponding pronouns on all of us is regressive and coercive. Not to mention that women in particular have good reasons for not wanting to foreground 'gender' in our interactions with others, particularly in a work setting."
That's a comment on a NYT advice column titled: "Do I Really Need to State My Pronouns?/A reader asks whether a workplace policy actually makes trans and nonbinary people feel more included."
The reader was someone who worked in sales and had experienced losing a sale to a customer who said he was "turned off by the pronoun thing." The advice columnist only gave a vague answer. The commenter made a brilliant point and put it quite well. It fits my tag "gender privacy."
(This is a post about a comment over at the NYT, a comment that interested me more than what the NYT advice columnist wrote. But how, you might wonder, can a reader comment on this Althouse post? The answer is — because some trolls made open comments impossible — you have to email me here.)
FROM THE EMAIL: Lyssa writes
I’ve often thought that the gender concept is functionally a religion - the idea that there’s some deeper, non-biological concept of “man” or “woman” is non-falsifiable, a matter of faith which is, at least for some, deeply and sincerely held. Like a religion, it’s not appropriate for me to disrespect, or to point out my disagreement with its dogma outside of an open discussion. I won’t stop you from praying to say you’re doing it wrong, or “correct” you if you make a benign statement about your faith with which I disagree. But when you expect me to pray with you, to personally declare the beliefs of your faith, that’s a bridge too far.
I have 2 responses to that. First, being required to declare your faith at all — even your own true faith or lack of faith — is a fundamental violation of your privacy. This is the domain of your thoughts, and it belongs to you and deserves respect.
Second, the conjunction of religion and your experience of the meaning of your own body can be seen Supreme Court's understanding of the right of privacy, as articulated in the most important opinion in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, which declared: "At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life."
AND: Another emailer, who requests not to be named, writes:
I have an autistic child, so every time social norms change, we have to figure out how to distill them down to a teachable rule set for behavior.
We recently moved to a very progressive city. The public school here school teaches "the pronoun thing" as a basic minimum of decency, such that failure to use the right pronoun is "bullying" -- something the kids have already been taught to fear and abhor, and something for which they expect draconian consequences. All of the kids are taught to declare their pronouns as the default expectation for behavior. Some kids are experimenting with the pronouns. They are not necessarily experimenting the same way with their dress. There aren't always external signals or behaviors to reinforce or remind others those pronouns.
As a result, there's no way to tell with any teachable visual shorthand what anyone's pronouns are. Rather than get it wrong and be thought of a "bully," my child started referring to all other students as "it." After we discovered this, our discussion of why gender neutral "it" is ALSO wrong added another layer of confusion to an already confusing topic.
ALSO: Darth writes:
For a polite society to function, members of that society live by a set of unwritten rules. In my travels throughout the world (Europe, China, Mexico, Middle East), there seems to be a prime rule: “Do not impose your will on the rest of society.” The reason for this rule is that trying to make the rest of society conform to your will is considered rude.
Therefore, people who insist on making people declare their pronouns, are rude by trying to force society to their will. Forget the rationale that the language has developed over hundreds/thousands of years, and that some languages will not tolerate such perversions. For example the French zealously guard their language; it is not possible for people to declare their pronouns. In China, the third person singular is pronounced “ta”, 他 (he) , 她 (she), 她 (it). The only way you can tell gender is by writing, not pronunciation.
Personally, I feel that anyone who feels the need to announce their pronouns is childish and rude, and I treat them as such.
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