December 27, 2020

"Ms. Petro said she and her husband still make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every third Sunday. 'I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind...'"

"'... and just try to relax into my body and be present for my partner,' she said.... 'People get very wrapped up in the idea of spontaneously desiring sex,' Dr. Nagoski said, but, especially in women, it’s fairly rare. Based on a wide body of research on gender and sexual desire, Dr. Nagoski estimates that roughly 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire, whereas most experience responsive desire — wanting sex when something erotic is happening."

52 comments:

tim maguire said...

COVID hasn’t changed this equation much. The biggest barrier to spontaneous sex is children in the house.

Political Junkie said...

Sex...what is that. Aging, work, stress, truly low T, gaining weight (both spouses).

Kevin said...

David St. Hubbins: "Dozens of women spontaneously experience desire every year. It's just not widely reported."

Rory said...

"every third Sunday"

But they do it ten times, right in a row.

mezzrow said...

David St. Hubbins: "Dozens of women spontaneously experience desire every year. It's just not widely reported."

Nigel Tufnel: "I find that I can sustain desire with my guitar more reliably than with my women..."

iowan2 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Temujin said...

Nothing says, lose the erection, like reading the New York Times.

My wife and I still prefer the old ways for spontaneous sex.
You know, donuts, fly swatters, and sleigh bells, plus a little Slim Whitman playing in the background. Yeah, I know, it's kinda old fashioned, but it still works for us.

iowan2 said...

Male and female, both experience responsive desire.

The difference is in what's the trigger.

Men trigger on lots of stuff. More things rev their motors

Of course the goal is different. Men its sex. Women its romance.

The trick for men is to condition their woman that a quickie blow job in the parking ramp is romance :)

JZ said...

Looks like all the comments so far are from men. (Including me)

mezzrow said...

You know, donuts, fly swatters, and sleigh bells, plus a little Slim Whitman playing in the background. Yeah, I know, it's kinda old fashioned, but it still works for us.

I once stood in line at a Sears catalog order pickup counter behind Slim Whitman. It was an earlier century then. Still proud of myself for leaving the man alone, even though I was young and dumb and I knew who he was. My sixth grade teacher was an enormous (in many ways) Slim Whitman fan.

I guess this is off topic, so then - SEX. I'm still in favor of it. For consenting adults.

My personal preferences do not include yodeling, if that's not too much information.

Wilbur said...

Nothing or nobody says sex like Slim Whitman.

Howard said...

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Fernandinande said...

15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire

I gather that means at any given time.

gadfly said...

Responsive sex is a dissolute erotic event happening on time every third Thursday - come hell or high water, without pre-planning or foreplay. Perfectly logical and understandable, of course, by any sexologist with a PhD in Human Sexuality, who is thus entitled to be called "Doctor" - especially if his or her first name is Jill.

Kai Akker said...

I forget where we're supposed to look for intimacy's banner. I completely lost track of following its status. Thank heavens NYT lets us in on that secret. NYT the BESTEST! The bestest for the bestests..... they know who they are.

Curious George said...

"Dr. Nagoski estimates that roughly 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire, whereas most experience responsive desire — wanting sex when something erotic is happening."

This explains Louis CK.

David Begley said...

Every third Sunday? I’d divorce her!

Wince said...

I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind...

Isn't that where the French Maid outfit is supposed to come in?

Iman said...

Blogger Howard said...
Sunday Bloody Sunday


That time of the month, Howard? Do a little yoga, that used to help my wife.

Mr Wibble said...

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.


All these "experts" trying to repackage what people have known for thousands of years: sex is a critical aspect of any relationship and husbands and wives have an obligation to meet the sexual needs of their spouse. And a annoyed quickie twice a month while you check your watch isn't it.

John Ray said...

Oh hell, I was hoping to read Laslo's comments

mtrobertslaw said...

This question is related to the difference between "making love" and "having sex". Women are intuitively drawn to the first but not so much to the second.

Christy said...

My experience, from friends over-sharing in the Age of Oprah, is that the women who marry for money (Mars in Capricorn in natal chart ๐Ÿ˜‹) are the least likely to experience spontaneous lust.

BudBrown said...

Usually this is another guy explaining what makes women tick. Uh huh. When its a woman explaining think Napoleonic tactics....

effinayright said...

In the old TV series "Dennis the Menace", Dennis informed his next-door neighbor Mrs. Wilson that every Sunday morning his parents "take off their shirts and wrestle".

tcrosse said...

In the old TV series Golden Girls the Betty White character spoke of walking in on her parents playing leapfrog.

Joe Smith said...

Him: Sunday at 2?

Her: Can't do Sunday. Monday works but only after dinner.

Him: Lights on? You know I like the lights on.

Her: Wellll, I have been missing my spin classes so...OK, but only under the covers.

Him: But then I won't see...

Her: Take it or leave it. And no butt stuff this time.

Him: (Dejectedly) OK...I guess.

Her: Good. I'll call Bertram and have him send over the contract.

Joe Smith said...

"Nothing or nobody says sex like Slim Whitman."

Does he yodel during the climactic moments?

Dozens of housewives want to know : )

Darrell said...

First question on a date--Do you read the NYT?

Lurker21 said...

"Ms. Petro said she and her husband still make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every third Sunday. 'I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind...'"

Are you sure that wasn't "I shove the thoughts of the other undone chores out of my mind ..."?

chuck said...

Why read the NY Times when you could read Cosmopolitan instead?

Earnest Prole said...

Why so uptight? Loosen up, baby.

Joe Smith said...

"Why read the NY Times when you could read Cosmopolitan instead?"

Dear NYT,

I can't believe this happened to me, but it did.

I was helping my girlfriend's mom move some furniture and it was a really hot and humid day, so I took my shirt off...

Leora said...

Why is the NY Times turning into a sex advice source? I don't think personal relationships are among the strengths of their staff.

Leora said...

85% of women never think of sex is bullshit too.

FullMoon said...

The article is pretty funny. The experts overlooked the panicdemic induced drunken wife problem exposed in NYT(?) and relayed here yesterday.



Arlington Quidnunc said...

Do lets remember that this is the newspaper which said that sex was better under communism. https://reason.com/2017/08/15/life-under-communism-was-no-liberation-f/ so there's that...

mockturtle said...

I resisted the article because NYT but I must protest the supposed fact that only 15% of women experience spontaneous desire. That's saying women don't get horny. That is absolute nonsense. While there may be some women who don't, most women do.

mockturtle said...

Of course the goal is different. Men its sex. Women its romance.

Nonsense.

Ann Althouse said...

"Every third Sunday? I’d divorce her!"

It's not like she's refusing him the rest of the time! This is a couple that's fallen into lack of interest, though they're still interested enough to see it as a problem. He's part of the problem. "I’d divorce her!" is a really ugly thing to say.

Ann Althouse said...

"Responsive sex is a dissolute erotic event happening on time every third Thursday..."

Notice that the doctor I quoted is making an important distinction between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Ann Althouse said...

"I resisted the article because NYT but I must protest the supposed fact that only 15% of women experience spontaneous desire. That's saying women don't get horny."

The article links here in making the point about "spontaneous" as opposed to "responsive" desire, so you could read that. I don't know what your definition of "horny" is, but if it includes responding to what the other person is doing, then your statement is wrong (because that's not what the doctor is saying).

At the new link:

"A large component of women’s sexual desire is responsive rather than spontaneous. Therefore, women’s motivation and ability to find and respond to sexual stimuli to experience sexual arousal and subsequent sexual desire is crucial, but complex. In ongoing relationships, a woman’s motivation appears to be largely influenced by her emotional intimacy with her partner and her wish to enhance it. Drugs (including androgen replacement therapy) aimed at increasing women’s spontaneous sexual wanting (less characteristic of women in long-term relationships) or their arousability may have a role if other psychologic factors affecting arousability are addressed in tandem. A woman’s sexual arousal is composite and complex, correlating well with how mentally exciting she finds the sexual stimulus and its context and poorly with objective genital blood flow changes. Drugs aimed at increasing the latter, including phosphodiesterase inhibitors, may have a role if there is prior careful enquiry as to whether genital engorgement is present but not attended to or is physically absent. Psychophysiologic studies to date suggest the former is common in women presenting with arousal disorder."

Ann Althouse said...

Some of the commenters here need to ask themselves "how mentally exciting" is "the sexual stimulus" that is YOU.

mockturtle said...

I don't know what your definition of "horny" is, but if it includes responding to what the other person is doing, then your statement is wrong (because that's not what the doctor is saying).

Nope, AH. Horny is having a nagging sexual craving for no apparent reason.

mockturtle said...

IMO, the main difference between men and women regarding sexual desire is that women [most women, anyway] won't go to bed with just anyone, where quite a few men would if the circumstance were right.

When I was young, in the middle of the day, I once saw my mother pass a folded up note to my father. Shortly after, they retired to their bedroom. In my marriage [of forty years], the horny one would suggest a 'nap'. Surely, certain thoughts, sights even smells can trigger horniness but it can also happen spontaneously.

mockturtle said...

That said, I have a good female friend who claims she could never have sex with a man with whom she was intellectually incompatible.

YoungHegelian said...

Some of the commenters here need to ask themselves "how mentally exciting" is "the sexual stimulus" that is YOU.

I'll have you know that my wife found my upper buttockal area so aesthetically pleasing that she thought I missed my calling by not becoming a plumber!

madAsHell said...

Dear NYT,

I can't believe this happened to me, but it did.


Name and address withheld by request.

5M said...

YoungHegelian said...
Some of the commenters here need to ask themselves "how mentally exciting" is "the sexual stimulus" that is YOU.

I'll have you know that my wife found my upper buttockal area so aesthetically pleasing that she thought I missed my calling by not becoming a plumber!

** If you crack a woman up the door usually opens.

Jamie said...

Some of the commenters here need to ask themselves "how mentally exciting" is "the sexual stimulus" that is YOU.

Thank you to our esteemed host! From my own experience and conversations with friends, and therefore anecdotally, it seems that some partners are either better or trying harder at presenting mentally exciting sexual stimulus - which includes paying attention to what appears to get us going, because "call me a dirty girl" doesn't work for all of us.

Hercules, not that one though said...

Geez, woman...you're in a different season. Granted, the only power you ever had was through sex. That's over. It's a different season. Let it go.

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