Althouse: "But I get tired of my role as the initiator. So then I go quiet, sometimes for many weeks, and … don't hear from some of my friends..."

April 25, 2020

"But I get tired of my role as the initiator. So then I go quiet, sometimes for many weeks, and … don't hear from some of my friends..."

"... then miss them, want to see them, and … I cave, and initiate coffee, drinks at my house, or a walk. Nearly always my overtures are reciprocated; I believe they are genuinely glad to hear from me... Even though I am a happily married woman with (not small) children, I may simply crave more friend time than my peer group. Or maybe I just go after what I want or need, not a bad thing... Do I just suck it up and accept that I'm the initiator?"

A question to the advice columnist at WaPo. The questioner never considers the possibility that these other people don't want to spend time with her, but they don't have the nerve to say "no" when asked, and they don't understand why she never gets a hint. The advice columnist — Carolyn Hax — also excludes this possibility.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if I were in that situation and had gone through multiple sequences of waiting for reciprocation and initiating again, I would interpret it to mean that the friend wasn't really a friend and let go. I wouldn't continue to "believe they are genuinely glad to hear from me."

ADDED: I see I used "reciprocation" in a different way from the letter writer, who said, "Nearly always my overtures are reciprocated." She meant only that her invitations were accepted. I'm using reciprocation to mean that on another occasion the other person take the initiative and makes an invitation. If you invite me to a dinner party, I'm not reciprocating by attending. I have to do my own dinner party and invite you. Big difference.

80 comments:

Rory said...: Charisma is a knuckleball: some people can be a-holes and leave emotional wreckage their wakes, yet still have others flock to them. Others may not attract a flock, though they're exemplary humans. I don't think the latter should deny themselves friendships, just because the friendships don't come easy for them.; 4/25/20, 10:26 AM
Temujin said...: Was this request for advice written about her life pre or post coronavirus shut down days?; 4/25/20, 10:26 AM
PJ said...: The questioner never considers the possibility that these other people don't want to spend time with her

She considered and rejected it (“I believe they are genuinely glad to hear from me”), and presumably the columnist accepted that judgment as part of the premise of the question.; 4/25/20, 10:28 AM
Bruce Gee said...: It is an odd phenomena for those of us who are extroverts. I've often been in her situation, and don't buy that people don't turn me down because they don't like me. I mean, too much of me is too much, I'll be the first to admit it.
Here's an example that may relate: I've always been comfortable engaging strangers in conversation (I meet new people regularly as part of my profession), and am quite certain for the most part the strangers enjoy and are somewhat surprised by the exchange. When I meet someone new, I always ask about their lives: where they work, where they are from, family background; nothing too intrusive if they don't seem to want respond. It almost always results in a satisfying conversation, dare I say for both parties? What has always struck me as odd is that I seldom get "reciprocal" questions. I might say it happens when I engage an extrovert like me, but otherwise, I go away knowing a lot about them, and they nothing about me.
Maybe I'm surrounded by introverts.; 4/25/20, 10:28 AM
AZ Bob said...: She should be happy none of her so called friends blocked her. Women are never happy.; 4/25/20, 10:30 AM
Carol said...: don't buy that people don't turn me down because they don't like me.

Aww come on give a break Bruce...it's too early for this; 4/25/20, 10:33 AM
J. Farmer said...: How do you break up with a friend? One of the earliest episodes of Seinfeld, "Male Unbonding," tackled this subject. It's not difficult to imagine Larry David with that conundrum. Ghosting makes the process a lot easier, since you don't have to screen phone calls. Sandra Bernhard used to described caller ID as "the ultimate in passive-aggressive behavior."

p.s. The only episode titled that did not begin with "The"; 4/25/20, 10:35 AM
Mary Beth said...: I don't do most social media, so I understand I am choosing not to be as present in those ways

Sometimes it's just easier to chat and make plans on Facebook. You can invite people to do something through the app without worrying that your call or text is interrupting the other people, but you know they'll respond soon. If your friends all communicate through a particular social media platform, this would be like choosing not to have a phone but wondering why none of your friends will send a written invitation.; 4/25/20, 10:35 AM
Shouting Thomas said...: Are you trying to give me a hint, professor?; 4/25/20, 10:36 AM
gilbar said...: unfortunately for me, with my last two girlfriends;
when i realized that The Only time we talked/dated/"got together" was at my initiation ,
i decided to quit calling, until i'd heard from them... I'm Still waiting

Sometimes; They're Just Not That Into You; 4/25/20, 10:37 AM
Shouting Thomas said...: How do you break up with a friend?

In the hetero world, we scream obscenities at one another, threaten a fist fight, etc.

Later, we often think better of it.

And, we never use the term "break up" big guy.; 4/25/20, 10:38 AM
Black Bellamy said...: I used to hang out with John, I knew him for a long long time and I considered him my friend but then over time I noticed that I was always the one to reach out and call and make contact. He used to, a long time ago, but then not. And as time went on this wore on me. So one day I was going to call him and I didn't. We haven't spoken in three years now.; 4/25/20, 10:38 AM
Original Mike said...: "She considered and rejected it (“I believe they are genuinely glad to hear from me”), and presumably the columnist accepted that judgment as part of the premise of the question."

Assuming she is even moderately perceptive, she's probably right.

This is the simplest explanation: "I may simply crave more friend time than my peer group.", and her smartest play is to just accept the status quo. Why get bent out of shape over it and lose her friends?

And if they don't want to see her but are too chicken to say it, so what?; 4/25/20, 10:39 AM
Mary Beth said...: "When I meet someone new, I always ask about their lives: where they work, where they are from, family background; nothing too intrusive if they don't seem to want respond. It almost always results in a satisfying conversation, dare I say for both parties? What has always struck me as odd is that I seldom get "reciprocal" questions."

Because it is intrusive, but many people have a hard time telling someone that the question asked is none of their business. They don't want to seem impolite. Their not asking the same type of question of you should tell you that.; 4/25/20, 10:41 AM
Rosa Marie Yoder said...: Friendship is definitely meant to be reciprocal. If they don't initiate after a couple of lunches suggested by me, it's time to move on. If they call later, I'm fine with that but I certainly won't be tracking them down. This predicament seemed to happen most post-retirement with former co-workers with whom I might have lunched during work hours but not otherwise. And yes, I may go to lunch with you; but if I don't reciprocate, it's fair to assume I've selected to not put much work into a friendship with you. Being mostly an introvert, there's only so much me-time that I'm willing to share with others.; 4/25/20, 10:43 AM
J. Farmer said...: And, we never use the term "break up" big guy.

Always a master of letting a point fly right over your head. That's the idea , old man. There are protocols for ending a romantic relationship as opposed to ending a friendship.; 4/25/20, 10:44 AM
Wince said...: Althouse ADDED...
I see I used "reciprocation" in a different way from the letter writer...

When it comes to reciprocation, it's all about the "denominator".; 4/25/20, 10:45 AM
Mark said...: Sorry, but when people get married or as they start working in a career, the friend dynamic changes. Friends remain friends, but they are also busy living their own lives and it cannot be as sociable as it was in the past. Many simply do not have the time for anything more than getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, just vegging for a couple of hours and then going to bed.

You need to learn to be content with not seeing or hearing from the friend for long stretches of time and then getting together.; 4/25/20, 10:45 AM
J. Farmer said...: One of the things social distancing has demonstrated is how underappreciated the facility for self-entertainment is.; 4/25/20, 10:50 AM
Lurker21 said...: People, people who need people ...

... are usually unhappy people ...; 4/25/20, 10:53 AM
Shouting Thomas said...: @J. Farmer

I’m right about that Dem/CCP/Intel conspiracy coup against Trump.

As you’ll find out over time.

Judging intent by outcome is almost always a foolproof method.; 4/25/20, 10:54 AM
Lurker21 said...: One of the things social distancing has demonstrated is how underappreciated the facility for self-entertainment is.

Please, not another masturbation thread.

But it is sex with someone you love.

Please, not another Woody Allen thread.; 4/25/20, 10:55 AM
Yancey Ward said...: Yes, Althouse is using reciprocation correctly, the letter writer isn't. Before I had even reached that section of the blog post, I had already noted the misuse of the word.; 4/25/20, 10:59 AM
J. Farmer said...: Please, not another masturbation thread.

Ha. We were expressing the same idea, but you did it much more cleverly than I did.

... are usually unhappy people ...

Burgess Meredith's character in The Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough at Last" is what society thinks of people who don't need people. And he was punished for it.; 4/25/20, 11:04 AM
J. Farmer said...: And I prefer "self-abuse" as a euphemism for masturbation.; 4/25/20, 11:06 AM
J. Farmer said...: Judging intent by outcome is almost always a foolproof method.

Yeah, that's why the "law of unintended consequences" makes no sense.; 4/25/20, 11:09 AM
Yancey Ward said...: "And I prefer "self-abuse" as a euphemism for masturbation."

I prefer "my hot date with Scarlett Johannson".; 4/25/20, 11:10 AM
Yancey Ward said...: As a long time member of "Introverts Anonymous" (we don't actually meet to discuss our problem), I can answer for some of her friends- we are glad to accept the invitation most of the time, unless it is every weekend, then we have a problem.; 4/25/20, 11:13 AM
Original Mike said...: "When I meet someone new, I always ask about their lives: where they work, where they are from, family background; nothing too intrusive if they don't seem to want respond. It almost always results in a satisfying conversation, dare I say for both parties? What has always struck me as odd is that I seldom get "reciprocal" questions."

I was raised not to be nosey. And it stuck; I'm not.; 4/25/20, 11:14 AM
J. Farmer said...: I prefer "my hot date with Scarlett Johannson".

How about tooting my own horn?; 4/25/20, 11:23 AM
rcocean said...: Yep, friendship is like a tennis game, the other person has to serve once and a while, and hit the ball back. Whenever I've had a friend who doesn't initiate things, I'll stop and see if they respond. If they don't - I write them off. Strangely, I bumped into one "friend" who said "Why haven't you called me?" to which I replied "Because you didn't call me".; 4/25/20, 11:25 AM
rcocean said...: You'll see that at work. Some people always want information from you, or want your help. But never reciprocate. Others don't understand that if you do them a favor, they "owe you one".; 4/25/20, 11:27 AM
Jupiter said...: Rosa Marie Yoder and Yancey Ward both say they are introverts, and they are OK with being drawn out of their shells occasionally, but are not going to "reciprocate". It takes energy, and a willingness to open a door without being sure what's on the other side. I think that most people appreciate the effort, even if they would not do it themselves. If not, they can always be busy that day.; 4/25/20, 11:29 AM
rhhardin said...: don't have the nerve to say "no" when asked

No quote marks. It's indirect statement.; 4/25/20, 11:30 AM
Shouting Thomas said...: @J. Farmer

The law of unintended consequences does usually correctly identify intent by consequences.

For example, the destruction of the black family with welfare was the intent of Democratic Party welfare initiatives.

The publicly voiced Dem rationale was compassionate help.

The "unintended" consequences tell us what sort of help the Dems really intended.; 4/25/20, 11:33 AM
Mark said...: Regarding doing things with friends, there is also the modern phenomenon that plays out here every hour of every day.

Today, a LOT of people get a huge amount of social engagement via online social media and other Internet availabilities.

It is so pervasive, in fact, that the hook-up culture has given way to the "self-entertainment" culture given the availability of porn.

People just are not engaging in-person all across the spectrum as much as they did before Algore invented the www.; 4/25/20, 11:35 AM
Char Char Binks, Esq. said...: I had one friend I didn’t like, and I just kept not not calling back, turning down invitations, not calling back, etc. It took him a long time to get the idea. Initiator should learn to take a hint.; 4/25/20, 11:39 AM
Ann Althouse said...: “ And if they don't want to see her but are too chicken to say it, so what?”

It’s a big deal to me. I don’t want to give my time to someone who’s just putting up with me. I was to be valued. If I don’t have that I prefer to preserve my time for myself.; 4/25/20, 12:01 PM
Original Mike said...: "It’s a big deal to me. I don’t want to give my time to someone who’s just putting up with me. I was to be valued. If I don’t have that I prefer to preserve my time for myself."

Then (in the hypothetical) it seems you didn't enjoy your time with her, which is the important consideration.; 4/25/20, 12:04 PM
gilbar said...: Burgess Meredith's character in The Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough at Last" is what society thinks of people who don't need people. And he was punished for it.

The MORAL of That Story is: ALWAYS (ALWAYS) have spare glasses
As a person with 20/2000 vision (w/o glasses, i can read at 20', what You can read at 2000');
i can TELL you WHERE my nearest spare pair is (three in the bathroom, right now; two in the car)
It's Inconceivable to me, that Burgress wouldn't have had a spare pair; 4/25/20, 12:08 PM
Ann Althouse said...: Some people like not knowing if they’re wanted or even get a thrill out of being where they are unwanted. It’s analogous to rape. There are those who don’t want to know there’s no consent and those who like it best when they’re unwanted. One is delusional. The other is sick.; 4/25/20, 12:09 PM
J. Farmer said...: @Shouting Thomas:

Judging intent by outcome is almost always a foolproof method.

In that case, Bush and Cheney wanted a protracted guerrilla insurgency in Iraq that killed thousands of Americans and put the country into Iran's orbit. And Bush must have pushed home ownership on Americans because he wanted to crash the economy. Right?; 4/25/20, 12:10 PM
Yancey Ward said...: Having not read the entire thread- I often read up from the bottom since that is where the browser takes me first, I had to ctrl F the thread to see if the Seinfeld episode was mentioned (I had expected it was), and sure enought it was.; 4/25/20, 12:10 PM
Ann Althouse said...: “ I was to be valued”

Should be: I want to be valued.

Sorry.; 4/25/20, 12:10 PM
J. Farmer said...: It's sort of like the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths. Indifference to suffering versus wanting suffering.; 4/25/20, 12:11 PM
Yancey Ward said...: How do you know whether or not someone doesn't want to hear from you? My first clue is the visit from the Sheriff's Department delivering the restraining order.; 4/25/20, 12:13 PM
Original Mike said...: There's a difference between genuinely being unwanted versus the other person not getting up the energy to initiate. The former state should be pretty easy to detect.; 4/25/20, 12:17 PM
Dust Bunny Queen said...: "Nearly always my overtures are reciprocated." She meant only that her invitations were accepted. I'm using reciprocation to mean that on another occasion the other person take the initiative and makes an invitation.

I think Althouse has the correct interpretation.

The questioner reaches out to her "friends" and they do accept the offer to meet, get together, do something relatively non committal and casual. Reciprocating would be IF they invited her back themselves to do similar activities. Like meet for lunch etc.

If they never get back to you with a counter invitation you might assume:

1. They are really too busy. As we grow older and have families people tend to be occupied.

2. They don't have that much in common with you. Maybe they did before but perhaps not now...see #1

3. They are too polite to just say no and cut you off. Maybe they don't consider you as close pf a friend as you do them.

4. Maybe you are trying too hard, or are too self absorbed in your own life and children in your meetings.

5. Lots of other reasons that may have nothing to do with YOU at all.

6. You could always ask about it in a non confrontational way.

7. Move on and find new friends.; 4/25/20, 12:21 PM
LA_Bob said...: " My first clue is the visit from the Sheriff's Department delivering the restraining order."

What's the second clue? The night in jail that resulted from violating the order?

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND???? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. LOSE MY NUMBER!!!"; 4/25/20, 12:28 PM
Rabel said...: "In general I'm a leader type, confident, extroverted."

Oh my. There should be a corollary to Burge's law addressing Washington Post advice columns.; 4/25/20, 12:29 PM
Yancey Ward said...: "What's the second clue? The night in jail that resulted from violating the order?"

That's the third clue. The tazer hit is second.; 4/25/20, 12:33 PM
Yancey Ward said...: I actually do reciprocate with people I enjoy talking to and spending time with, despite being an introvert.; 4/25/20, 12:36 PM
LA_Bob said...: "5. Lots of other reasons that may have nothing to do with YOU at all."

Very important. Human relationships are usually way more complicated than conveyed in the WaPo article. Most commenters here seem implicitly to understand that.; 4/25/20, 12:37 PM
The Cracker Emcee Refulgent said...: “Sorry, but when people get married or as they start working in a career, the friend dynamic changes. Friends remain friends, but they are also busy living their own lives”

Sure. Middle-aged friendships are different from childhood or young adult friendships because to exercise them requires a serendipity of schedule. I have good friends I see once or twice a year. Mainly to do something we both enjoy. We stay “caught up” by text. The frequent exercise of adult friendships usually requires a compelling common interest, like golfing, hunting, drinking, hiking, etc. In the absence of that, there’s usually something else commanding your attention. When we’re retired and the kids have moved away, we can meet at McDonald’s and bitch about the government as much as we like.; 4/25/20, 12:43 PM
Lurker21 said...: I will be Dear Abby and banal and suggest that she join a club or connect with a group. That will give her the sociability she craves without putting the responsibility on somebody else to spend one-on-one time with her and then reciprocate by inviting her out in return. Within the structure of a club or team or pack she can have the interaction without the worries. And by carefully monitoring how people respond to her she can pick out the people who are most congenial and well-disposed towards her and spend free time with them. If she can find a group of three or four to hang out with it's better than to focus all her attentions on one person and expect them to be returned. Case closed. Now I am going to pretend to be people with real problems and write nasty letters to my sister, Ann Landers.; 4/25/20, 12:44 PM
LordSomber said...: Is craving "more friend time" the same as being a friend?

Sounds like she's looking more for validation than friendship.; 4/25/20, 12:44 PM
Tomcc said...: Evan when I was younger and a bit more diplomatic, I knew how to say "no". If you value your time, you don't spend it with people you don't care for.; 4/25/20, 12:50 PM
carrie said...: I’m an introvert and depend upon my friends who are initiators. My not initiating something dots not mean that I do not like the initiator or that I do not want to spend time with him or her. It just means that I am not an initiator.; 4/25/20, 12:58 PM
Sebastian said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/25/20, 1:19 PM
Sebastian said...: "They Are Just Not Into You"

There's a book about that, something like that, something women apparently have to learn. Some women. Not Althouse.; 4/25/20, 1:19 PM
Freeman Hunt said...: Make up some kind of weekly group meetup. Game night, movie night, dinner club, Bible study, book club, quilting club, softball team, whatever. Then no one has to plan, and everyone sees each other.; 4/25/20, 1:26 PM
Original Mike said...: "Sounds like she's looking more for validation than friendship."

That's what it sounds like to me, too.; 4/25/20, 1:33 PM
Mark said...: Je veux qu'il revienne (I want him to come back)

https://youtu.be/MDn4D8MoTo4

Je sais bien pourtant le mal qu'il a pu me faire
Mais c'est lui que j'aime
Je me rappelle aussi tout ce que j'ai déjà souffert
Je veux qu'il revienne
Pour ne plus avoir à souffrir
J'ai cru qu'il valait mieux partir
Sans lui j'ai trop de peine
Je veux qu'il revienne

Je veux qu'il revienne
Car c'est lui que j'aime
Je veux qu'il revienne
Dis-lui pour moi
Dis-lui pour moi . . .

I know, however, the harm he may have done me
But he is the one I love
I also remember all that I have ever suffered
I want him to come back
To no longer have to suffer
I thought it was better to leave
Without him I have too much pain
I want him to come back

I want him to come back
Because he is the one I love
I want him to come back
Tell him for me
Tell him for me . . .; 4/25/20, 1:34 PM
Mark said...: The giveaway is this part: "I go quiet, sometimes for many weeks, and … don't hear from some of my friends..."

Many weeks!! Oh, the horror. "Many weeks" is two or three. Not that long. Not long enough to be suffering from separation anxiety.

Getting together every few months, two or three times a year, is not outside the norm of even good friends.; 4/25/20, 1:39 PM
RigelDog said...: Althouse correctly notes that one should consider the possibility that the friends don't really want to see you. But there are also other explanations.
For instance, I lack the self-confidence to initiate plans with people who I am not super-close to, having never been one of the cool kids. Me coming up with an activity and then inviting others has almost never worked out in the past. I do promptly respond to their invitations though, when they happen, and make sure to do my part by maybe offering to bring something or to provide transportation.; 4/25/20, 1:41 PM
traditionalguy said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 4/25/20, 1:48 PM
traditionalguy said...: Some men like being with crowds of friends more than staying at home with a small family group. And they are quite talented social directors for friends and family. They avoid politics and religion discussions and Golf courses are their favored common ground. Speaking of one of these types , we recently saw replays on ESPN of the 2010 Rose Bowl( I/1/2011) where one of them took his family out to Pasadena to meet his old fraternity brother friends and watch their team beat Wisconsin.

My point is that being social is a born talent that also requires continuous work .; 4/25/20, 1:48 PM
Freeman Hunt said...: If her friends do agree to do things with her, I would generally assume that they like her. If they didn't, they might do that once or twice, but after that they'd be more likely to make excuses or ignore the invitations.; 4/25/20, 1:54 PM
ALP said...: I refuse to be the one that does all the work in a friendship. If I don't get true reciprocation - relationship is dropped. Even family gets the axe - I have one sibling that simply never makes the effort. I won't compensate for her lack of interest by doing all the initiating.; 4/25/20, 1:57 PM
Jessica said...: I am in the same position as the letter writer quote often. My husband and I have casual parties and gatherings somewhat frequently. After a few times of inviting someone, with no reciprocation, we stop inviting them. The most recent time we did this, the couple found out about the gathering and were offended we hadn't invited them. Another time, a friend texted to ask me if we were having our usual 4th of July party! (We hadn't heard from her all year, but she still wanted to be invited to and attend our party!) I'm usually with Althouse -- if they don't reciprocate, they don't want to be friends. But sometimes I think people are also just oblivious and socially lazy.; 4/25/20, 2:17 PM
Freeman Hunt said...: Related long-term social strategy for extroverts as an alternative to pruning: Merging friend groups. Have different groups of friends but don't want to spend the rest of your life in the time sink of running separate, parallel social lives? Slowly merge them over time into one friend group. May be a project of years, but the payoff is huge and a win for everyone as long as the groups are relatively compatible.; 4/25/20, 2:18 PM
Tomcc said...: Jessica: I have a group of friends from work that get together socially about once or twice a year. It's almost always at the home of one or two of the friends. Everyone brings food/drinks, but it's still a lot of work to host. I would gladly host a gathering but I live in a smallish condo with no street parking. I would be disappointed to not be invited because I haven't reciprocated.; 4/25/20, 2:29 PM
Gahrie said...: I used to organize big group breakfasts for a group of friends who worked and played together. I had to stop, because people were committing, and then I'd be the only one at the restaurant. No drama or anything, but people's lives had changed. We basically only see each other on Facebook anymore.; 4/25/20, 3:07 PM
Marcus Bressler said...: My senior high school prom date from 1973 and I had remained friends past her 50th birthday. She went on to become a successful Hollywood agent and though she lived in LA, we kept in touch and saw each other annually during her hometown visit. But about a decade ago, I noticed that there was no reciprocation in our friendship. I stopped the contact and it never generated a contact "why?". A few years back her aunt asked me about it and I told her, "It only takes one person to be in love but it takes two to be friends." I regret neither our friendship or the end of it.

THEOLDMAN

I did date her little sister not long after my friend and I broke up but managed to maintain our relationship.; 4/25/20, 5:52 PM
Birches said...: Hmmm I'm not sure. I don't make plans with any of my friends these days. I cared more when my kids were younger. But when my friends ask me out I'm happy to go.; 4/25/20, 6:50 PM
Jamie said...: Freeman Hunt, it works for introverts too - just with more work. We have successfully merged groups of friends a couple of times. It had been with the (significant) effort, since it is tiring to keep up with too many disparate groups.; 4/25/20, 11:38 PM
Jamie said...: Also, I should note that several of our closest friends are my husband's friends from high school and college (I was in a different place and not making close friends then). Sometimes we speak with these friends only once or twice a year, and it's perfectly fine. We pick up where we left off.

I am fortunate to have married a man who, though technically introverted, is less so than I am.; 4/25/20, 11:49 PM
dwshelf said...: Some of us just aren't initiators, but that doesn't mean we don't welcome the attention of those who are.

You can think of us as not quite as socialized as you would prefer, and I for one will understand you as more socially advanced for calling me even though I almost never call you.

I really do appreciate the initiators in my life. They're not always the ones you would think would be. Given Althouse's equation, perhaps most of my social contacts leave me slide because I don't reciprocate, but some keep on initiating anyway.; 4/26/20, 8:56 AM
Jessica said...: @TomCC Yes I totally understand that and I am definitely sensitive to that dynamic. However, one thing you might consider is inviting the people who host you to do something else, not at your condo. Invite them out for drinks at a bar, or to a show, or for a hike. That helps the hosts to know that you actually like them and want to spend time with them. That IS reciprocating! It doesn't have to be in your home.; 4/26/20, 1:33 PM
Jessica said...: @dwshelf Honest question -- what holds you back from initiating? Or why doesn't it occur to you? I think that would help us initiators understand!; 4/26/20, 1:34 PM