Excerpt from the 32-point explanation at Buzzfeed:
8. Responding to a clip of Tati saying he manipulates straight men, James said, "I am a 19-year-old virgin. I have never and will never use my fame, money, or my power to manipulate or get any sexual actions from a guy. That is disgusting. That is not me. The fact that Tati brought this up blows my mind."That's slang — "slid into." I just learned it. Now, I'm reading "How to Slide Into Someone's DMs Without Being a Creep" (Lifehacker). I think the title means How to Slide Into Someone's DMs Without Being Perceived as a Creep. (Yeah, how do people who can see each other on line find a way to each other in real life?)
9. He said at Tati's birthday dinner, the conversation never got inappropriate. He said the "I'm a celebrity" quote that Tati claimed James said about the waiter was an inside joke between him and his friends, and that Tati even participated in it (shown in texts). He said he uses the word "famous" to describe anything that's good — like a good Insta or good buffalo wings.
10. James said the waiter from the dinner slid into his DMs and even said he was bisexual, refuting Tati's claim that he tries to trick straight men....
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65 comments:
One day, all politics will be conducted by Gay Youtubers.
Why the Hell am I supposed to care about any of this? Troubled teen, emotional drama, allegations of sex...isn't this just high school?
I am, like, SO not going there.
The larger issue is why a certain segment of society (18-20yr olds, presumably) is so readily willing to tear down, and conjure up fake righteous indignation, for a effeminate guy that wears makeup.
I thought "woke" millenials were supposed to be ok with gender-bending?
What's a "DM"?
(If I learn that, then the time spent reading this post will not have been a waste, after all.)
Academic politics are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so small
Poor Tati! It must be awful to have a goofy name on the internet.
What's a "DM"?
Display Manager.
If you read some of the comments (a lot actually) on YouTube, there's actually quite a bit of veiled homophobia couched in all the vitriol. People that were uncomfortable with men in makeup, in the first place, were looking for a reason to express their pent-up hostility, and Tati provided the perfect excuse.
I always wondered why women and gay men would be such good friends to begin with. Aren't they competitors? Your gay male hairdresser doesn't want you to look good, he wants your hair and your man for himself.
I thought DM was "direct message", but I refuse to investigate this entire matter.
Cat fight between two youtube drama queens.
Do. Not. Care.
Paco, I'm pretty sure DM is "direct message" like a text message, I think. I have read the "explainer" but feel none the wiser--except I think there might be somebody named Tati who has a brand of hair gel named after her. These people all appear to be degenerates of one stripe or another.
Gregg wondered ...
why women and gay men would be such good friends to begin with. Aren't they competitors?
I think that they think, that they are on parallel, non intersecting paths;
They think they have similar methods, but with separate goals.
WHEN they find out that they are after the same thing; THEN the claws come out.
Then the woman becomes a 'fag hag' to the gay guy, and the woman becomes Outraged that HER man was 'secretly gay' or Worse Yet.... Turned!
I don't feel any push to learn about this particular corner of this week's Interwebs.
OTOH, 'slide into DMs' is a phrase I've heard for years. (I also think it's Direct Messages, FWIW)
That's what's so strange about this whole thing: why he hasn't played the gay card? All he has to do is accuse her of gay-bashing and Homophobia, and then wouldn't Google/YouTube step in and attempt to censure or sanction her?
Althouse>>"... from the dinner slid into his DMs and even>>>
That's slang — 'slid into.' I just learned it."
Yeah, thanks; now all I have to do is learn what "DMs" are and I'll be right with you on this post...
What's a "DM"?
******************
Des Moines.
DM apparently stands for Deranged Mind.
"That's what's so strange about this whole thing: why he hasn't played the gay card? All he has to do is accuse her of gay-bashing and Homophobia, and then wouldn't Google/YouTube step in and attempt to censure or sanction her?"
Whether he uses the word or not, if you watch his video and you are sympathetic to gay men, you will probably feel that there is homophobia involved.
Just to put it in hypothetical form so that I'm not making any assertions about the actual people involved here. Is it wrong or bad for a gay man to tell a straight man that he thinks he looks great? Is it wrong or bad for a gay man to flirt (just in words or glances) with a man who he doesn't know is gay or bisexual? I'd say hell, no. Is it homophobic to characterize a gay man who does this as a predator? I'm not saying that's what Tati did. I'm just asking what's right and wrong here and what counts as homophobic. (And if you think it's right to express homophobia, just don't waste may time. I don't care what you think and I don't want to waste my energy on telling you you're wrong. Just go write your own blog if that's where you are.)
If you want a YouTube catfight, look up <A href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X-PgHSZh6U>Riley Dennis</a>, the trans woman lesbian that thinks you are anti-trans homophobic bigot if you are a cis-woman unwilling to have sex with him, er her, er zir. Always good show for a biological man to belittle biological women for not wanting to have sex with him.
If you are a straight man, tell me how you would react if a gay man — in a friendly, social setting — told you you look great.
I think the right answer is to be pleased and say thanks (or something like that). It's a compliment. It's not predatory! It's no more predatory than a straight man telling a woman she looks great. Maybe not what you should do at work, but in a friendly, social setting, it's just a nice thing to say. If the woman is a lesbian, it wouldn't make a damned bit of difference. There's nothing wrong with lightly flirting with someone who isn't interested in having sex with someone in that category you seem to be in. What if the straight man who told the lesbian she looked great had some idea in his head that she might find a way to be interested in him? Is that a problem??? If not, what's wrong with a gay man telling a straight man (or a man he doesn't know isn't straight) that he looks great (even while harboring some hope that something sexual could ultimately happen)?
If this bothers you, isn't it your own fear about yourself that stirring you up? That's why the word is homophobia.
DM = Deutsche Mark
Reading this, all I could think of was the Ruby Rod character Chris Tucker played in The Fifth Element. If all these people died The Plague, the world would be better off.
Phobia: fear, hate, repulsion... A living social semantic a la "urban dictionary" and other cultural conjuring.
"If you are a straight man, tell me how you would react if a gay man — in a friendly, social setting — told you you look great.
"I think the right answer is to be pleased and say thanks (or something like that)."
I'd be pleased and say thanks. But I am the sort of predatory beast that compliments women on their looks when they really get it right. I'm glad I'm retired. I am confident that the harmless compliments that I occasionally committed would get me brought up on charges today.
By the way. Althouse, I love that picture that you use as your profile (literally and figuratively) on this blog.
@Amadeus 48
Thanks.
This is slightly off topic, but I have noticed that African Americans are more likely than others to compliment someone (male or female) that gets a stylish look right. On those rare occasions that it happens to me, I take it as a real compliment.
In a world a compliment is taken as a predatory tactic, nothing can survive. I think of the opening scene in “Terminator” where robots stalk the devastated city: “OMG! He said something nice about me!”
It's no more predatory than a straight man telling a woman she looks great.
And women have filed sexual harassment complaints against men they find unattractive when they do this.
If this bothers you, isn't it your own fear about yourself that stirring you up? That's why the word is homophobia.
Is that really the best you can do? Everybody that opposes homosexuality is secretly gay?
So women support abortion because they're all guilty about having an abortion...right?
A compliment coming from an unattractive old white guy like me could be, and has been, construed as an insult, because my taste must be terrible.
I would guess that a compliment can be taken two ways: as simple aesthetic praise, or an invitation to get closer.
In either case, a simple thanks works. At least if you're not interested in them.
When I'm working the vendor book at a market, there are times when I'll praise some man's look, but it's purely a form of aesthetic pleasure. Yesterday, in fact, this guy walked by wearing a form-fitting Captain America costume shirt with the appropriate trucker's cap. I gave him the thumbs-up, and he smiled and walked on.
I also do the same thing if the guy's driving a cherry vintage car. If they're going to the trouble to show themselves off, it seems unkind not to respond.
Is that really the best you can do? Everybody that opposes homosexuality is secretly gay?
Althouse doesn't understand men. She's made several miscalculations in the past, the most noteworthy being a troll of her audience backfiring and causing her to shut the comments off for several weeks (or months, I forget which).
"...slid into his DMs..."
They're, like... underwear, right? Like BVD's?
Anyway, hetero guy here, answering Prof. Althouse's query: in the exceedingly unlikely circumstance that anyone besides my spouse would ever complement my appearance, I would take it as a compliment.
Compliment, dammit.
No, that’s not why the word is “homophobia”. “Homophobia” is a political power play designed to denigrate people by implying that they are motivated by irrational fear. It is a sub silentio ad hominem argument, saying that others’ opposition to one’s position is pathological,rather than principled.
I thought it was Dowel Movement. But then the post wasn't about IKEA, so it couldn't be.
Bill Peschel @ 10:39: “.... If they're going to the trouble to show themselves off, it seems unkind not to respond.” Exactly. The trick is to know they know they are (and want to be) “on display.” And then calibrating the response to avoid forcing an angry or frightened response. “Great look” is better than “That dress really shows off your hotness” unless the point is to accelerate the interaction, possibly in a bad way. But in almost any case a compliment (IMHO deliberately) gives power to the recipient. It says, “You are noticed in a good way. Your effort to show yourself off, to bring a little class and beauty into this grim world, is appreciated. Now it’s your move, to ignore the comment, to explore further what it might point toward, or act like a spoiled child and invoke the Furies because you love the attention and power latent in the moment.”
To the extent that recipients go for the lattermost of these choices, we get the robot-infested hellscape of “Terminator.”
If this bothers you-
When a woman says a guy has a nice ass, the value of her opinion is not from a perspective of sticking a penis up an asshole. You have three holes and no penis, so it's not easy for you to understand why the compliment from a buttfucker is gross to straight men. It's also insulting to Alphas to be sexually objectified, they are the predator not the prey. Men react the same way when women come on to them too strongly.
And a man's physical attractiveness is not the primary interest of women, his character and earning power are. If you complimented a women for being "six foot and six figures" instead of how good she looks, she would think you strange. That's not phobia or hatred or repression of some desire to suck a penis or take it up your asshole.
I think it's not so much homophobia as it is a backlash against non-comformity. You can be gay as long as you conform and don't make people too uncomfortable. A gay guy who's really out there, and in-your-face, and wears makeup, well......they were just waiting to take him down. I don't care how comfortable Millienials say they are, some things are just too provocative even for them. Androgynous men have been around a long time (David Bowie---but that was just an act) usually as performers on stage. James was different, he was bringing his androgyny into women's homes, and they are threatened by that. James just wasn't the right kind of gay, the Rock Hudson, matinee-idol type.
As for Homophobia vs Women's right to be comfortable 24-7..... there's no contest. Women win, always !!!
Buzzfeed. Man. If ever there was proof that the internet is a mind virus.
Next thing you know, you'll be talking about hats.
You have three holes
Does that bother you? Demeaning? Degrading? Unwelcome attention?
Then you must be phobic, right? Or you secretly desire to have all three of your holes filled at once and must be struggling and sexually repressed?
(that's what you sound like when you talk to us about being homophobic bigots simply because we find their attention to be similarly disgusting).
Not my style, thanks.
...a sub silentio ad hominem argument, saying that others’ opposition to one’s position is pathological,rather than principled.
Yup. Even more obvious when mangled into forms such as "Islamophobia".
"'If this bothers you, isn't it your own fear about yourself that stirring you up? That's why the word is homophobia.'/ Is that really the best you can do? Everybody that opposes homosexuality is secretly gay?"
There's a name for the fallacy you just committed but I'm too lazy to look it up.
You turned my "this" into your "Everybody that opposes homosexuality."
Check what my "this" referred to, then come back and apologize. I'll accept your apology if you search for and tell us the name of the logical fallacy you committed.
And you didn't just get my "this" wrong. You got your "that" wrong.
You need to examine what's making you read and write so inaccurately. What fears?
Had to look that up because I'm stupid and the coffee is still brewing
Sub silentio
legal Latin term meaning "under silence" or "in silence". It is often used as a reference to something that is implied but not expressly stated. Commonly, the term is used when a court overrules the holding of a case without specifically stating that it is doing so.
Althouse doesn't understand men.
True, but her irrational ideas and derogatory statements about men are probably just an expression of her own fears about herself.
Or she might just be trolling for dollars. That's why the word is not chrometophobia.
I have, on occasion, run into people who were deeply, excessively, and obsessively squicked out by homosexuality, rather than just the more commonplace "yeah, whatever, dude, just keep that thing away from me" attitude that (in my experience) most heterosexual men in American culture have. But that's been pretty rare.
If a man tells a woman she looks good and the woman's answer is not just "thanks" but something along the lines of "but don't think you can have sex with me," you'd think she was weird/crazy or some kind of transgressive comedian.
Why would a man getting a compliment from a man add extra material about his sexual orientation?
Transphobia is an ambiguous term that avoids characterizing the shock of encountering classes of individuals in the spectrum ("rainbow") who openly exhibit their physical or mental incongruity. This is only momentary and passes, as transgender individuals are not normally more aggressive than any other man or woman.
The shock, if any, depends on the compliment and context. Some people are more sensitive, or perhaps perceptive, than others.
tell me how you would react if a gay man — in a friendly, social setting — told you you look great.
I'd either thank them, or ask if they needed new glasses. Which is what I'd say to a woman as well.
If a man tells a woman she looks good and the woman's answer is not just "thanks" but something along the lines of "but don't think you can have sex with me," you'd think she was weird/crazy or some kind of transgressive comedian.
Nope. And you wouldn't know this because you are not a man who has complimented thousands of women, sometimes in pursuit of sex, sometimes not.
I HAVE done so, so in my expert experience, more often than not the woman will signal that she is not interested in a sexual relationship, even when that is not the male's intent. Gently, with responses like "Why thank you, and how is your wife doing?" or "That's sweet of you to say, my fiance likes me in this dress too".
So no, you are one woman using her singular experience with men giving you compliments. But I am one man using my experience with how thousands of different women tend to respond to compliments about how they look. My data set is bigger.
Why would a man getting a compliment from a man add extra material about his sexual orientation?
Because straight men tend not to compliment women unless they are interested in them sexually. So, even if the gay guy's intentions are non-sexual, the straight male perceives it as such based on his own (reversed) experience. Call it anything you like, but don't assign motives of hatred or fear or some repression of homosexual urges. It's insulting.
I always think men who are uncomfortable getting a compliment from a gay man are more thinking "do you think I'm gay? Do I look gay? Do I seem gay?" which isn't something most of the men I know worry about, but I don't think it is an abnormal thing for men to think. I don't think it is homophobic to think "I don't want people to think I'm gay".
Women are very used to complimenting each other and getting compliments from other women and men. Women are also very used to being inundated with photos of naked women and in more recent years, the idea that women having sex with each other is a turn-on and very normal. Things are different for men.
I think it would be challenging to be gay or a lesbian, because the usual glaring big bright line- the opposite sex!!-- isn't available as a clue to who is available to you and who is not. So I can imagine James Charles did it wrong without meaning to. But I can also imagine people on YouTube just like drawing attention to themselves and being dishy is an easy way to do it.
Too much overthinking. A simple thanks will suffice.
cubanbob- I agree! Just take the W
“When a guy slides into the DMs in the first place we pretty much know you’re interested. You don’t have to be explicit about it,” explained Emily, adding that if you are hoping to take things in a flirtatious direction, you have to have patience, particularly if you are DMing a woman. “Polite is good as long as you follow our cues when it’s time to take it up a notch. Keep in mind the constant flow of misogyny and objectification every woman receives on the Internet—don’t add to that.” (Does this mean you can be overtly sexually explicit with men? No, keep it respectful there too, but this kind of thing can be particularly exhausting for women and non-male-presenting people.) - The other linked article
I bet that other “non male presenting people” besides women are exhausted from the constant stream of unbridled male libido driven attention unleashed on them. (genuflect, genuflect, genuflect)
If I get a complement from a woman, it usually is parter of a larger plan to let me down easy.
Why would a man getting a compliment from a man add extra material about his sexual orientation?
Let’s all pretend evolution never happened, let’s try to do stuff that proves that we are not slaves to evolution. Let’s ignore physical attractiveness in relationships! What’s this about “complements” anyway? Doesn’t the very concept imply that one person is somehow better (air quotes) than another?
I tried to care but can't pretend otherwise.
If a man tells a woman she looks good and the woman's answer is not just "thanks" but something along the lines of "but don't think you can have sex with me," you'd think she was weird/crazy or some kind of transgressive comedian.
Not me..I'd just think she is a feminist, and probably majored in Women's Studies. (so I guess, yeah I would think she's crazy)
None of any of that made any sense...maybe because I can’t understand what ‘slide into someone’s DM’ even means. The life hack article just seems to extrapolate nonsensically from ‘he looked at me funny’.
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