"Though few parents today will admit they have a favorite child, studies indicate that about two-thirds of parents do. In one small but astounding survey, 80 percent of mothers acknowledged favoring one child over the others. This was no secret to their children, 80 percent of whom agreed. Interestingly, however, when they were asked which child their mother loved most, they almost always got it wrong. Similar results are borne out in larger studies: Two-thirds of children accurately perceive that their parents have a favorite, but less than half get the favorite right. The idea that you’re supposed to treat your children equally is recent, and it’s still not the norm in much of the world, where different siblings might have different roles and even different titles. In English, we refer to both younger and older siblings as sister or brother, but Chinese has separate terms for each. A gege (older brother) has different rights and responsibilities than a younger one (didi), as do a jiejie (big sister) and meimei (little sister). In Japan, an old slang term for the second son was 'Master Cold Rice,' because historically he ate only after the firstborn got his food."
From "It Used to Be Okay for Parents to Play Favorites/The idea that you’re supposed to treat your children equally is recent, and it’s still not the norm in much of the world" by Jennifer Traig (The Atlantic).
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Yeah, exactly what we need. Another STUPID third world idea or custom brought to this country.
"No, Tom, I love Dick way more. He's the better son."
Another idiotic article from The Atlantic.
We never stopped assigned roles on birth rank. The oldest kid gets privileges and responsibilities and expectations to meet.. The younger kids accept it. The youngest is given freedom the oldest never saw. The middle child...what’s his name...is the forgotten child in the family but often becomes a star outside the family.
Parents may outwardly "favor" the child they see as more needy or helpless, but inwardly respect and appreciate the one who isn't.
I knew I may not be the favorite, but I was still loved. People can have favorites; that's fine.
Kids should just watch to see who gets a smirk from their fathers. Then they’ll know who is the favorite.
In all seriousness, the kids get it wrong because they equate favoritism with attention. They think that the favorite is the one who gets all the attention. In reality, the favorite is the often the one that doesn't require so much attention.
Favored and favorite aren't the same thing.
My parents took pains to treat all of us equally. I cannot know even now IF they had a favorite, or, if so, WHICH of us was the favorite.
The easy solution is to just hate all of your kids the same.
My favorite kid usually varies by the day, sometimes by the hour. I have favored behavior. I think everyone does.
My parents took pains to treat all of us equally.
From each according to his abilities. To each according to their needs.
Except Red Gingers.
I think if the parent says one kid is the favorite, and the kids say another is, the kids are probably right.
From a "Malcolm in the Middle" episode: Malcolm's mother speaking: "You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving."
Speaking of 1960s TV...
"Mom always liked you best!"
It used to be OK? Where was that? Not where I grew up.
People forget that the Child's behavior influences the parents.
Its a two way street.
The Smother's brothers always fooled me. The eldest plays the goofy kid, the younger one plays the responsible one.
The Bible covered the folly of playing favorites a long time ago.
Last spring my wife and I were riding with my sister and brother in law and the subject of who was my mother’s favorite cake up. My sister insisted that it was me, but the other three of us unanimously named the other sister, the one not present. Nothing we could say budged her in the slightest.
Though few parents today will admit they have a favorite child.... 80 percent of mothers acknowledged favoring one child over the others.
Few == %80?
This is what's wrong with what passes as "science" these days:
Assumptions and conventional 'wisdom' are Asserted as Facts
WHY should we believe ANYTHING reported as "science" if 80% is reported BY SCIENCE! as few?
I can't say I treat my kids equally. They are different people with different wants, needs, abilities and behaviors, so how can you treat them equally? I can love them equally though.
Did she mention primogeniture?
when they were asked which child their mother loved most, they almost always got it wrong
This is particularly heartbreaking for only children.
Chris of Rights is correct above- the children are misconstruing what it means to be the favorite versus being the favored one- the latter has the connotation of getting the most attention and care. If I had to apply this to my own 3 siblings and my parents, then I would say my parents favorite is my oldest sister (I am the oldest), and that is because she was the most mature, responsible, and dependable of the four of us throughout her life- in other words, if I were my own parent, she would have been my favorite, too.
One thing that may have been left out is that often the two parents (assuming that there are two parents) often have different favorites. In my family of five, growing up, their orders of favoritism were almost reversed. For my mother, it was who was most like her. No surprise then that, with her having been #2 in HS (because of PE) and #1 in college, her favoritism rank pretty closely reflected our high school relative rank, her favorite having been the popular one who had been valedictorian of his HS class. My father seemed to pick the boys as his favorites who needed him the most - but we're also the most like him in personality (and ultimately were the ones to inherit the tenor he had inherited from his mother). I think that my partner's situation was similar. Again five kids, but of mixed gender. Father was primarily French, and mother German. She was her father's favorite daughter, the two having very similar minds. Her youngest sister continues to be her mother's favorite. When her father was alive, and she would call up, and her mother answered, it would immediately passed to her father. Now, with him gone, her mother passes it to her younger sister. Each parent also seemed to have a favorite son.
I also believe, somewhat in birth order. I am the oldest, and reviewing my serious girlfriends since the one in college, I just realized that every one of them was a middle. Most typically the middle middle. Of the ones I can think of, they were 2/3, 4/5, 2/3, 2/4, 3/5, and 3/5. If I want to taunt my partner a bit, I eat some of the food that she has saved. Or, just rehide some of the candy she has hidden from me. Then when she overreacts, as she inevitably does, after I return her candy, I taunt her with "middle middle, got you again". Or some such. With three middle brothers, I am pretty adept at recognizing middle child syndrome. Growing up, she was the one who hoarded all of her Halloween candy, then doled it out to her siblings over the next month or two, extracting favors in return. And, as the oldest boy, I was the one who never had to eat the cold rice. For me, I don't think that I would tolerate a youngest very long, and not do particularly well with another oldest. Which leaves onlies and middles, and given my generation and the family size they grew up in, that pretty well means middles.
The second brother in my family should have been "Master Cold Creampuff."
Instead, he ate fast and grabbed for vseconds almost as quickly as I did. I think we left the third brother seriously warped.
"Did she mention primogeniture?"
This is an especially sensitive subject with my younger brothers. But then one of the smart alecs read that the first born was typically left out to die in Ancient Greece, supposedly due to maternal and birthing issues of young mothers. That would probably have been John, because I would then point out that there had only been one King John of England, and he had been John Lackland before that for a reason. The youngest of four boys, he was the one without any land (until his older brothers all died, and he got all of it - except what they had had in France, which ultimately resulted in numerous wars in a vain attempt to get it back).
As the oldest of five, I always thought that primogeniture made perfect sense. Never could figure out why there was so much resistance to such a natural concept in my family.
"Though few parents today will admit they have a favorite child.... 80 percent of mothers acknowledged favoring one child over the others."
I don't think that that is so strange. My parents, even way back in the 1950s and 1960s, never admitted that they had favorites. Except that we knew they did, and knew pretty much whether we were in the top half or bottom half for each parent. You aren't supposed to have favorites, which means admitting such to anyone. But I think it natural that you favor one kid over another. In both my family and that of my partner, the parents tended to favor the kids most like them over time, but maybe (at least in my case) be harder on them at times, because they understand that kid's weaknesses better, being their own.
Selective-child is not only modern, but progressive, which in liberal societies, unlike other left-wing cultures that embraced one-child, may be influenced by sex (i.e. genotype) and correlated phenotypical physical and mental attributes. After birth, there are other tangible qualities and quantities, including aesthetics, performance, compatibility, etc. Oh, well. I suppose it's just a matter of whose choice.
My parents had 9 children and, as in most large families, there was number 1 son, number 1 daughter, and everybody else. They would never admit it, and I think it was less true for my mother than for my father (who was quite blatant about it), but there it is. We can't realistically all be equal and we weren't.
I didn't think my parents had favorites, but I think my older sister believes I was my father's favorite. Why should the middle child be anyone's favorite? I think the benefit of being in the middle is that you're most likely to be left to your own devices and come up with your own ideas about the sort of person you're going to be.
I do remember that my sister's bedroom was decorated in purple and white, and she had a sort of canopy bed and a pink "Princess" telephone, and white and gold furniture. My room was painted orange and the curtains had abstract geometric shapes and the furniture was Danish modern walnut. That is, I got the gender-neutral platform.
Freeman Hunt said...
The Bible covered the folly of playing favorites a long time ago.
Yeah, Cain really taught God a lesson on that one, didn't he.
Favored and favorite change over the years.
Puberty and the terrible 2s can really change these things.
I was thinking more along the lines of Joseph.
I was #3 of 3 boys, raised on a crop and livestock farm. Cattle and hogs. I never thought any of us got favored, in chores and such(must of been me?) As I said, I was the youngest...until 7 years after my birth along came my little sister when Mom was 42. So who was the favorite was a done deal. Little sis was the favorite of all of us.
"The Bible covered the folly of playing favorites a long time ago."
"Yeah, Cain really taught God a lesson on that one, didn't he."
I thought of David and Absolon.
Still not clear who was the favorite amongst Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
/sarc
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