December 9, 2018

"When I try to connect with [my 15-year-old daughter], it backfires. A few months ago she cued up 'The Rain Song' by Led Zeppelin..."

"... one of my favorites when I was her age. I told her so, and she didn’t respond. I made the terrible mistake of attempting to play it for her on the acoustic guitar when we got home. She was learning to play the guitar herself, and I thought maybe she’d want to know the chords. She barely stayed for the glissando intro and then fled upstairs. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t listened to Led Zeppelin since. I know. I know. I remember how I treated my mother at that age... But now that I had my own teenage girl, I realized for the first time that my mother was[... t]rying to catch a glimpse of the girl she had given birth to, the full-grown person she had nurtured who was now walking swiftly away from her. ... I no longer saw Paulina in her natural habitat, telling jokes or even crying with those she was close to...."

From "Rediscovering My Daughter Through Instagram/Paulina was as remote as a 15-year-old could be. And then I saw her photography" by Helene Stapinski (NYT).



I felt the coldness of my winter... These are the seasons of emotion....

32 comments:

mockturtle said...

Telling a teenager that you like or approve of his/her choice of music is the kiss of death.

Wilbur said...

When she's (the daughter) ready to connect, she will. She is still immature and doesn't grasp the significance of her actions. It's not the least unusual.

Fernandinande said...

Lots of people talk and few of them know,
Soul of Paulina was created below.

Henry said...

Sweet story.

My 15 year old daughter shares her music with us. Modern musicals.

rhhardin said...

Hero: - Can we go? - "Look! I'm a teenage girl!" "I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences." So what's it gonna be? Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment? Go on.

Teen: - You got me in a box here.

Deadpool (2016)

Shouting Thomas said...

Every hipster town now has a School of Rock, where Boomers teach adolescents how to play Led Zep note for note. Woodstock has one.

I'm down with the teenage daughter who won't sit thru one more round of Led Zep.

Laslo Spatula said...

"Rediscovering My Daughter Through Instagram / Paulina was as remote as a 15-year-old could be. And then I saw her photography"

Probably better than Mom finding her videos on PornHub.

I am Laslo.

Howard said...

It's the price woman's pay for having it all. Teenage daycare resentment

Ralph L said...

The mother needs to take up gangsta rap, pronto!

Will Cate said...

Just based on my own experience raising two sons (now ages 31 and 28), humans are just basically brain-damaged from age 13 to 17. After that it gets better, if you're lucky.

MadisonMan said...

Step back lady and stop pushing for a relationship.

Derek Kite said...

Would you say a word to someone if you knew that it would end up being published in the New York Times?

Ann Althouse said...

Did the daughter want this op-ed published? Isn't it an intrusion on the delicate closeness of this relationship to churn a newspaper column out of it?

Also, there's the humble bragging: She found her daughter's social media and it was lovely, demonstrating talent and taste. How terribly nice for her.

Darrell said...

Ann Althouse said...Did the daughter want this op-ed published? Isn't it an intrusion on the delicate closeness of this relationship to churn a newspaper column out of it?

Agree on all points.

Oso Negro said...

@ Althouse - yep, THAT is gonna cost her well into her daughter’s 20s and will be an everlasting story about her mother’s need to be the center of attention.

Oso Negro said...

@rhhardin - that line from Deadpool was great. Perfectly matched my experience with daughters

Virgil Hilts said...

Why would any sane parent want to share this story w/ the NY Times. This smells dishonest - a cynical attempt to get her daughter a legup/some publicity at the start of some artistic career.

Tank said...

Trying to get this published was child abuse. I was going to say, someone at the Times should have known better than to publish it, but I forgot, it’s the Times.

Joan said...

I didn't click through to read the article for two reasons. First, it's in the NYT. Second, this is "mommy blogging" in the worst way. Of course the NYT doesn't see anything wrong with this woman spotlighting her moody daughter, and their relationship, this way. Yuck.

I think it was my Dad who taught me, when I was very young, that one should never criticize or humiliate someone in front of an audience if it could be avoided. I know their readership has declined, but the NYT is still a pretty big audience for this kind of piece, which rightly should've been kept between mother and father, or possibly a girlfriend or two over a cup of coffee.

And why does everything have to be written down? It just makes permanent what should be a fleeting moment.

Quayle said...

Good for her for trying to draw closer to another human being. That’s the valuable work of a lifetime, on which we should never give up, no matter how bad we may initially be at it, or how unsuccessful are our initial attempts.

Earnest Prole said...

Nothing (of undisputed quality) leaves me colder than Led Zeppelin.

Darrell said...

Stairway To Heaven is about a vibrator and masturbation.
Like this article.

Wince said...

At least it wasn't the "Lemon Song" or "Hey, Hey, What Can I Do".

jaydub said...

I remember well how I was a genius to my daughter when she was ten, but how stupid I had become as she turned 12. I also recognize how embarrassing it must have been for her throughout junior high and high school to have a parent as ignorant as me. Fortunately, I started to smarten up just a tad when she entered college, and I we were both really amazed at how much I had learned by her graduation. My judgement also seemed to improve by leaps and bounds after she entered the working world, and by the time she married I had even achieved trusted advisor status. Miraculously, I started to show signs of late blooming intelligence with the births of my grandchildren, but I didn't regain hero status until my granddaughter turned 12. I guess my daughter really is a chip off the old block because my granddaughter is 15 now and her mother is dumb as a rock.

Mary Beth said...

I'm with Virgil Hilts, this seems like a PR piece to get attention for her daughter's photos. It's either that, or some self-centered jerk wants to use her daughter to get attention for herself. Maybe both.

Yancey Ward said...

I would have been horrified to have had my mother write an article about me when I was 15. I hope the mother did this with the daughter's blessing, but then if she did, the article itself is less than truthful.

Sebastian said...

"Ann Althouse said...Did the daughter want this op-ed published? Isn't it an intrusion on the delicate closeness of this relationship to churn a newspaper column out of it?"

It is an abomination.

Chick-bait mommy-lit by women who exploit their kids because they have nothing to say.

Ann Althouse said...

I would guess the daughter did approve. Maybe she wants a larger audience for her photography.

Yancey Ward said...

I think the daughter did, but then the entire essay reads much differently, and false to me.

Rosalyn C. said...

LOL if the daughter approved to get more followers. Ann, you really can be cruel.

Robert Cook said...

"Just based on my own experience raising two sons (now ages 31 and 28), humans are just basically brain-damaged from age 13 to 17."

And yet, when a 12 year old commits a violent crime, too many people assert they have the same reasoning capabilities, impulse control, and awareness of consequences of an adult, and thus they are tried "as adults" and given adult punishment, an abominable practice generally, (even if potentially appropriate in rare individual cases).

El Supremo said...

Strangest thing: My 25 year old step daughter who has never shown any interest in politics just registered for the first time, and as a Republican. I never discussed politics with her and was surprised and impressed.