December 19, 2018

"My husband and I are not energetic human beings. Not only that, but we have trouble locating a good 'reason' for doing most things."

"We can talk ourselves out of any activity. We associate a lot of worthwhile pursuits with 'hassles' and associate living like hermits with comfort and safety. These are the baked-in traits of anxious, emotional people, though. Doing new things makes us nervous, so we try to avoid that. Encountering unforeseen hassles makes us anxious, so we try to anticipate roadblocks ahead of time. We are also very self-pitying. We often talk to each other about how difficult very basic, easy things are for us, as a means of admitting just how pathetic we can be sometimes. We make fun of ourselves. We like to say, 'I don’t want to do anything, ever,' in whiny voices, as we lie face down on the carpet. This feels good, for some reason. But honestly, a lot of people are like us. Sometimes you have to be really, really loved by another person to admit just what a tired, anxious sack of shit you are at heart.... Consider giving up. My husband and I do this all of the time now, as a means of understanding exactly what we want from our lives.... Most humans are tired and overwhelmed and dream of quitting their jobs regularly. The ones who are happiest are the ones who honor these feelings and take them seriously instead of telling an elaborate story about how these feelings mean that they suck...."

Writes Heather Havrilesky (in an advice column answering a woman who feels that what she can do is never enough).

46 comments:

Bob Boyd said...

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.

rhhardin said...

Get a play for pay job.

Kevin said...

Possibly related, from that site's sidebar: "Lena Dunham Comes To Terms With Herself."

Nonapod said...

Nothing feels better than canceling plans. When you've been stressing about having to go somewhere, a party or some other social event, you have this obligation in your mind. Once you're unburdened and you realize you that the time that was slotted for that thing is now freed up to do anything or nothing at all, it's a wonderful feeling.

etbass said...

Apart from a spiritual perspective, I think I could identify with this. Nothing in this life is meaningful apart from eternity IMO.

Carol said...

Sounds like me and my spouse. I've gotten pretty reclusive and any kind of invitation makes me angry.

I have no doubt that if I died, however, he'd meet someone and find fun things to do again. Being single seems to make you push out more, socially. At least it did. Has everything changed?

Mike (MJB Wolf) said...

When did “advice columns” turn into pathetic sewers of self-reinforcing defeatism? Abby, Ann and Judith were never this lame, stupid and hateful! This is the antithesis of the Golden Age if journalism. The Leaden Age? The Dross Age? What misanthropic muses the J schools have unleashed on an undeserving society.

Wince said...

One thing people across the political spectrum can agree on: hopefully Hillary and Bill Clinton will follow her advice.

Bob Boyd said...

"This is the antithesis of the Golden Age if journalism. The Leaden Age? The Dross Age?"

It's the vinegar and water age.

Lucid-Ideas said...

Bob Boyd said, "Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens."

Great Talking Heads reference. Was always designed to be tongue-in-cheek, but I never interpreted the "everybody leaves at exactly the same time" that way.

For parties I host, that does in fact sound like heaven.

tim in vermont said...

Maybe she took a job she wasn't qualified for mentally. A job others seem to manage...

Love the photo.

Bob Boyd said...

It ain't easy to get me out, but once you do, it's even harder to get me to go home.

Kevin said...

I thought this was another Amy Klobuchar post.

Jupiter said...

Let's take the half-full POV. She is reinventing the advice column as a medium for self-revelation.

Sebastian said...

"instead of telling an elaborate story about how these feelings mean that they suck"

Instead? Didn't she just tell such a story?

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Sheesh. I'm tired just reading that woman's complaint about what she does isn't enough.. BTW. Heather gives good advice.

I always wanted to be a kick-ass career woman, a boss, someone who accomplishes a lot. I want people to see me as capable, confident, even powerful. And I want to feel good. I try all the things — cleaning up my diet, working out, yoga, meditation

Look girl. You are trying to do too many things at once and think you have to be great/excel at all of them. You give yourself no room for mediocrity or failure. Everyone has failures.

You have bought into the "big lie" that you can have it ALL and that you deserve to have it ALL and if you don't get the "big lie" then it is your fault. YOU are the failure because you can't achieve the impossible.

I fantasize about quitting my job at least once a week. And my job is objectively great! My instinct is, it’s not the job’s fault. It’s mine. I am just not smart enough, not energetic enough, not strong enough to actually succeed at this level.

Who doesn't fantasize about quitting their job? Only in very rare cases is your job so fulfilling that you are joyful about work every day. That is why it is called work!

Heather's advice. "Most humans are tired and overwhelmed and dream of quitting their jobs regularly. The ones who are happiest are the ones who honor these feelings and take them seriously instead of telling an elaborate story about how these feelings mean that they suck...."

Step back. Prioritize your life. Start with those things you find the most important or which are not able to be ignored. Is your job really a good fit for you? What parts of it are you good at. Do you look forward to. Pick those things which you can do and which make you happiest.

There is no shame in quitting something that isn't working for you to find out what does.

And....No! is a complete sentence.

tim maguire said...

Lucid-Ideas said...
'Bob Boyd said, "Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens."'

Great Talking Heads reference. Was always designed to be tongue-in-cheek,[]


There's a solid theological basis to this claim. If heaven is perfection, then any change is a deviation from perfection. Therefore, in order to maintain perfection, everything must stay exactly the same.

pacwest said...

I've found that eating some worms is the best antidote for the poor me syndrome.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

in order to maintain perfection, everything must stay exactly the same

That has always been the philosophy of every cat that I have ever owned.
:-D

Bob Boyd said...

"If heaven is perfection, then any change is a deviation from perfection. Therefore, in order to maintain perfection, everything must stay exactly the same."

So they actually have no intention of letting me in even if I behave myself?

Bob Boyd said...

If that's the case, then screw it.
Ima become a double-dealin', Christmas package stealin', fart-spray sniffin', hell-bound, low-down, dirty, mangy dog...with glitter in my car.

Maillard Reactionary said...

This deserves the "21st Century Problems" tag (hat tip to Instapundit).

stevew said...

So doing nothing is maximally rewarding? Not in my experience.

rehajm said...

Better than nothing is a high standard?

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

any kind of invitation makes me angry

Wait, literally? Like someone having the temerity to want to spend time with you makes you angry? Yikes!

I spent 14 years married to a hermit like this, accommodating his social anxiety and avoidance, and I ended up isolated, angry, and awkward. Left him, married now to a person who like me enjoys quiet time at home but also wants to foster meaningful connections with other humans, which is hard to accomplish without making time for them. Ex-husband is now married to a person who like him enjoys spending all her non-work time with her ass in a recliner watching sports. Good for them.

It's frustrating and tiring if you feel like you're spending all your time dancing to other people's tunes, but it sure seems lonely and unfortunate to me to go to the other extreme and resent other people wanting to spend time/have relationships/share experiences with you.

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

Also, I'm frustrated and annoyed by this modern trend of refusing to make or honor plans and flaking out at the last minute. My close friend agreed weeks ahead of time to babysit our newborn for two whole hours so we could go to dinner to celebrate our first anniversary. It was actually a day early because he had to be out of town on our actual anniversary. She texted 90 minutes before she was supposed to be there begging off because she 'had a headache.' Wow, thanks, what a great friend ~ but I'm sure she told herself "nothing feels so good as cancelling plans" because "wow isn't it awesome that now I have nothing to do." It's becoming cool and acceptable, socially, to be rude and selfish because "self-care." Blech.

Brian said...

I'd like to think that if I were the sort of person who's so all-fired anxious about every damn thing that I preferred to spend my time face-down on the carpet, I'd nonetheless still have have the minimal good sense and self-respect required to keep that shit to myself.

Maybe not, though.

AZ Bob said...

I'd rather be on the field than in the stands. Sure, you risk losing and you might break a leg but at least you have had the joy of playing. Having retired after three decades in the largest prosecution office in the country, I miss the action of my job and its significant responsibilities. I also miss being around people who are performing at a high level.

On the other hand, we all attend social functions out of obligation. 'Tis the season.

Rabel said...

"My workload is heavy, and my therapist says maybe the expectations are not reasonable."

Dissatisfied with the work of her professional therapist she writes a letter to a newspaper advice columnist looking for validation or sympathy or whatever.

Having this "Boss Lady" for a boss would likely be a daily visit to Hell.

Caligula said...

So, what was once called The Peter Principle became The Heather Principle: she rose to her level of incompetence. And there, most likely, she shall remain. Because, really, it might just be too much trouble to fire her, and her replacement might be no better.

Plus ça change ...


"Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again" -- T.S. Eliot

Original Mike said...

"There's a solid theological basis to this claim. If heaven is perfection, then any change is a deviation from perfection. Therefore, in order to maintain perfection, everything must stay exactly the same."

This argument retarded the science of astronomy for 2,000 years.

Darrell said...

This argument retarded the science of astronomy for 2,000 years.

Bullshit. Many prominent scientists, including astronomers, were Catholic. The ones that didn't shit on the Pope by writing a roman-a-clef about him--one that portrayed him as an imbecile when he was the first Pope that that had graduated from a university--did just fine. Even Church people knew the difference between "the heavens" and Heaven.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Who doesn't fantasize about quitting their job?

Fantasizing about quitting your job is fine. Fantasizing about quitting your job so you can spend more time lying face down on the carpet is pathetic.

DAN said...

Good Lord, this is sad in every direction. It makes me think of Pink Floyd...

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

Craig Landon said...

If our ancestors were like this, we'd all still be living east of the Mississippi, making pottery.

Not Sure said...

Havrilesky is her professional name, but IRL she's Heather Havrilesky-Milquetoast.

Sean E said...

For those who haven’t clicked through and read it, it is (as DBQ saId up-thread) actually quite a good column.

She isn’t saying “be like this”. She’s saying “Quit beating yourself up. You’re not broken. For many of us, wanting to be like this is a natural tendency.” She then gives some pretty decent advice on when and how to push past it.

It made me want to search out more of her writing, frankly.

traditionalguy said...

The Sabbatismos of life. Quit striving and spend your time appreciating your accomplishments during the first 6/7s of you life. When God did that, He discovered his accomplishments varied from good to all good.

Scott M said...

People like this, who seem to revel in their embracing of mediocrity...no, wait, you have to DO something to be judged mediocre...their embracing of abject idleness, spit in the eye of everyone that has come before them and worked their asses off to contribute to a society affluent enough to allow their inconsequential existence.

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

It made me want to search out more of her writing, frankly.

She is really terrific. I read her book, How to be a Person in the World, and found it quite fantastic. I would classify several of her essays as life-changers for me, that I think of frequently and send to others who ask me for advice.

Sean E said...

Thanks - high praise. I will definitely make the effort to search out more of her stuff.

Henry said...

It has to be really hard to write long-form advice columns. These are really fun and leap way beyond the limits of the genre.

iowan2 said...

I have retired, but am working some part time consulting. Its been slow since harvest completed, so I haven't done much, but I was invited to a meeting today. In Agriculture here in the midwest, sales season is kicking in. I got charged up being in that environment, engaged with others, seeking best practices, trading experiences, I'm recharged and ready to dig into some stuff I've been procrastinating about.

The point is, doing nothing is self perpetuating, engaging, fills you with life.

stevew said...

"The satisfactions of manifesting oneself concretely in the world through manual competence have been known to make a man quiet and easy. They seem to relieve him of the felt need to offer chattering interpretations of himself to vindicate his worth. He can simply point: the building stands, the car now runs, the lights are on. Boasting is what a boy does, who has no real effect in the world. But craftsmanship must reckon with the infallible judgment of reality, where one's failures or shortcomings cannot be interpreted away. "

From 'Shop Class as Soulcraft' by Matthew Crawford.

glenn said...

In other words, you’re lazy.

Michael Fitzgerald said...

"...Consider giving up." The advice columnist for the Age of Assisted Suicide.