"... an additional 40 hours to become a 'real' friend, and a total of 200 hours to become a close friend. If that sounds like too much effort, reviving dormant social ties can be especially rewarding... And if all else fails, you could start randomly confiding in people you don’t know that well in hopes of letting the tail wag the relational dog. Self-disclosure makes us more likable, and as a bonus, we are more inclined to like those to whom we have bared our soul.... [M]ost of us are stumbling through the world pining for companionship that could be easily provided by the lonesome stumblers all around us."
From "How to Make Friends, According to Science" (The Atlantic).
200 hours!
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51 comments:
It takes only 8 hours to solo an airplane.
Or get a dog.
The White House Press Corps has done an excellent job keeping their time with Trump under 50 hours.
Time is money
My friends and I have an unspoken deal. I don't bare my soul to them, and they don't bare their souls to me.
It seems a matter of minutes on Facebook and LinkedIn.
A nutria looks similar to a beaver except for the orange teeth and round almost hairless teeth. Image #11 shows the almost hairless teeth.
Self-disclosure is even more powerful in the current era of That’s Not Funny and Your “Problematic” Social Media Posts Will Ruin You and Who Needs Due Process If You Have An Accusation.
It goes faster in combat,
Self-disclosure makes us more likable, and as a bonus, we are more inclined to like those to whom we have bared our soul...
All true, but...
The basic idea is this:
It's called a confidence game.
Why? Because you give me your confidence?
No. Because I give you mine.
How do you get money when you have no money? Watch closely.
This is not newly discovered knowledge. It is basic social life. Institutions sponsor it at schools, clubs and churches. Seeing the same people regularly allows acceptance by people who see us with and without masks or changes in our masks. And the numbers increase the odds of "chemistry" among some of the many variations of unique personality types.
Remember the dances that were put on at social clubs. And the parties with strangers invited. 200 hours starts with one or two hours.
"200 hours!"
Doesn't it take 10,000 to get good at something?
"It goes faster in combat"
And snake-handling.
How long does it take to befriend a snake, I wonder?
How about "hours of enforced proximity" such as occur in retail when you are often in a store with one other person for six hours? Actually I learned a lot about the Millennials that way and though I'm quite critical of them I know they really are a very sweet group - just unable to understand why they have to work or endure injustice or boredom. They think the cause is capitalism and that bringing in socialism would stop all that. In fact, socialism always brings in terrible grinding turmoil and suffering which is explained away as "there has to be a one sacrificed generation to bring in everlasting justice." That would be the Millennials. And justice has never come - depending on the amount of suffering its result has always only been in a range from a disinherited disoriented sad sort of stagnation to an oligarchic catastrophe to social brutalism
We've been married for almost thirty years, and I'm probably creeping up on 200 hours.
I still remember the wisdom of my kindergarten class in Oakland, CA - to make a friend, you have to be a friend.
Surely those numbers are different for men and women. I don't even know many men who want a close friend.
There is that video of the woman who pretends to be a man convincingly, and spends a lot of time playing a man among men in groups and one on one. She is surprised by a lot of what he learns, and I think much of it is very true. But she comes away deeply saddened by how much she perceives that men want companionship, but conditioning makes it too hard to be intimate and open with each other. That's a woman's way of seeing it. It is true that we want companionship, but I don't think most of us really want to be that open and intimate with another man. What we really want is a woman as a companion who can be like a man when needed, and a yet real woman otherwise. Anybody got one of those? Gays don't count, becuase that's still a man, and it's even harder to be to close with them. You never know what the relationship really is in their eyes, becuase I don't trust the male sexual drive, gay or straight.
For the first six months after I met my next door neighbor in grad school, I said nothing to him. It was a great way to get to know each other, and led to a long friendship.
200 hours of socializing.
Wouldn't that make most of the commenters here "good friends?"
Me and Chuck, we're like brothers, man.
Doesn't it take 10,000 to get good at something?
Only if you're in an orchestra.
200 hours of socializing or 200 minutes of drinking hard.
bagoh20 said...
What we really want is a woman as a companion who can be like a man when needed, and a yet real woman otherwise.
Which I heard as "A man wants a woman with whom he can share his deepest thoughts and desires, and who will leave him the hell alone."
Or the pithier Seinfeld version: "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."
"Doesn't it take 10,000 to get good at something?
Only if you're in an orchestra."
But my standards in friendship are just as high as they are in music.
My extensive research during my college years found that it takes, on average, 37 minutes of socialization to go from stranger to one-night stand.
But my standards in friendship are just as high as they are in music.
Ah, but m standards in friendship are just as high as they are in punk rock. Practicing to get good at something is missing the show.
That 10,000 hours is from Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers book. I'm kidding on him, not you.
Ron Swanson once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend he ever had.
Maybe in Kansas, takes way longer here in Boston, and, for chrissakes, it doesn't come from sharing deep personal insights, keep that shit to yourself please.
-sw
randomly confiding in people you don’t know that well
Or at all. This can be a lot easier than with someone you expect to see again. But single-shot therapy leads to a precarious income.
I've read that most forms of mutual exertion or stress can bind people together, and in combat, wounded men often want to get back to their units rather than heal in safety.
The fastest way is pulling someone out of a burning car.
At first I thought this sounded nuts, but upon further reflection, I think it's probably about right on average.
Let the "Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!" jokes begin!
The Ashley Madison ad beside this post informs me that "life is short". Sounds like a way to save about 199 hours.
When I first met my wife I thought she was attractive enough. But then she started to speak...and my heart went into tachycardia!
Never happened before. Or since.
Of course, there were some problems to overcome before we got married. Like (channeling Groucho's old joke about joining clubs), "I wouldn't marry a woman who would have me as a husband".
But it is certainly nice to have a wife who's also your best friend.
Baghoh20,
My wife fits your description as she is attractive as a women yet laughs at "The Three Stooges".
I have often described her as a guy friend with all the woman parts.
The best part after 29 years of marriage is she has not tried smother me in my sleep so there is always that.
"That 10,000 hours is from Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers book"
Hmm. Haven't read that.
Herbert Simon said something along those lines, way back.
Yeah, but you can make a mortal enemy in no time flat. So there's always that.
Yeah but (butt! lo!) that that ruined my church with Vatican II faggotry and homo pedos.
They pulled first on 70,000,000 because our wealth of generosity amusingly finds such beyond comprehension.
When we don't, we will, again this Sunday at Irishfest, pray for all humans to be at most gracious peace with our God Jesus Christ.
People work about 2,000 hours a year.
I'm not trusting what The Atlantic has to say.
What the article left out is all the hours that are spent socializing and do not get to “real friend”. For example, it may take 10 minutes to determine if some one is a liar or dissembler. So dump that one. So 10 minutes and you have a truthful one, 20 more minutes you have nothing in common. So dump that. Etc. I expect to get a “real friend” takes a lot more than 200 hours.
It's easy to make friends. Be cordial to the client. That pays.
@sebastion -- I didn't know that. That's where Gadwell stole the idea.
interesting reading reading.
What?
No tag for "Media Sci is BS?"
Overdue.
It only takes a few sips of the Red Liquid From the Dark Sarcophagus, and a few crumbs of the Cursed Ancient Egyptian Disease Cheese...and then you don't need friends anymore.
The girls in Lawrence, Kansas are a lot harder to get into the sack than when I was there. Two or three hours of TGIF at The Wheel drinking 3.2 Coors and they were in love.
Theodore, You are a lucky man.
When there's no one leave to leave you.
Even you don't quite believe you.
That's when nothing will deceive you.
While you see a chance, take it.
Find (friendship)romance, or fake it.
Because it's all on you.
That's the song of the times btw.
Meanwhile, back in the jungle: "Psychic accused of scamming clients out of $800K arrested again"
I was just looking up Dunbar's number for something else. Might be something interesting there, suggests at an upper bound maybe folks spend 30,000 hours (150*200) building social relationships, a little less than 3.5 years of life.
But of course more realistically the time is probably lower. Most of your social contacts aren't close friends though maybe counterbalanced some by a few who after getting to know closely you spend time with longer term, spouses, best friends, some coworkers.
Wonder what the data actually looks like and if it has been shifting due to technology, culture shifts as we have become a more crowded but interconnected world, things like that?
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