"... between oneself and the immediate world in order to visit a separate one in the mind. A mother must make herself always available. A writer needs to shut the door. A number of books and essays in recent years have explored the tension between these two identities, and they are enough to strike fear into the heart of any writer who is contemplating motherhood... In a harrowingly honest essay called 'Mother, Writer, Monster, Maid'... the novelist Rufi Thorpe describes the mind-numbing exhaustion of having no privacy at home, no time or space to herself. She is the body on which her infant depends. She can’t even find the energy to read; how could she write? 'Do I hate being a wife?' she asks herself. 'Do I hate being a mother?' She loves her husband and her young children with all her heart. 'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
From "Sheila Heti Wrestles with a Big Decision in 'Motherhood'/How to reconcile the domestic responsibilities of parenthood with the Romantic notion of artistic vocation?" by Alexandra Schwartz in The New Yorker.
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96 comments:
When kids float in while you're working. Truly a lot of fun to watch,
BBC INTERVIEW GOES WRONG: Kids interrupt dad on live BBC World broadcast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA6btdb1mOY
Great achievement most often comes at a great price. Ruined relationships and broken families among them. It isn't just the arts, you find it in other parts of human endeavor as well. Generation after generation of people have to learn this for themselves.
'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
Poor woman. The Patriarchy has struck again.
I'm just glad no man has ever had to feel chained by obligations and responsibilities.
You have to decide what is most important.
And also disabuse yourself of the cultural definition of achievement that is centered around the easily observed and measurable.
Some women make unsuitable mothers, and it's in everyone's interests they realize that before spawning and not after.
""Plenty of [fill in the blank] are mothers, of course. But [fill in the blank] depends on hoarding time, on putting up a boundary (often at home)...""
From an essay titled "Captain Oblivious" by Rufi Thorpe, with nodding agreement from Shelia and Alexandra.
There are two more guarantees in life, besides death and taxes, choices and consequences.
She wants to eat her cake and still have it.
"A mother must make herself always available." To infants, maybe; otherwise, not.
"A writer needs to shut the door." A number of writers have written under far more difficult circumstances. Men, mostly.
"In a harrowingly honest essay called 'Mother, Writer, Monster, Maid'... the novelist Rufi Thorpe describes the mind-numbing exhaustion of having no privacy at home, no time or space to herself. She is the body on which her infant depends. She can’t even find the energy to read; how could she write? 'Do I hate being a wife?' she asks herself. 'Do I hate being a mother?' She loves her husband and her young children with all her heart. 'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'" OMFG. "Harrowingly honest"="insufferably whining."
I am woman. Hear me whine.
I'm reading this book about the "Golden State" killer written by a woman who was obsessed with the case but died of an overdose in 2016 before he was identified with DNA.
The book seems to have been put together by others using her notes.
The hardest part of writing a book, at least non-fiction which has been my experience, is editing and rewriting the final drafts.
She didn't do that. Somebody else did. It is pretty good but there are places it has been pieced together.
Caring for young children is like Chinese water torture to the mind. Yes, men are "chained by obligations and responsibilities," but that's not the topic at hand.
The grumpy retired guy "women are such whiners and bitches" thing gets just as old as women whining and bitching, guys.
FYI.
More lamentations of the women. But remember, it’s just your misogyny that makes you find the whole premise of the article idiotic! Since they seem to be interested in publishing articles about the utterly banal realities of everyday life we all face, maybe I can get them to publish an essay about the current war between the nesting hawks in the tree out front and a squadron of angry blue jays, that has been going on for about a week!
Grumpy retired guys don’t get published in the New Yorker, one of the arbiters of the culturally relevant, whining, bitching women are all the rage.
The grumpy retired guy
I freely admit to being grumpy, but I am not retired.
“The grumpy retired guy "women are such whiners and bitches" thing gets just as old as women whining and bitching, guys.”
Ain’t that the truth? Let’s see if some of these guys who have no idea what it is to carry, give birth and then care for the infant, can do it without a bit of whining/ venting. I seriously doubt it, they whine more than any woman I ever met.
I agree with you guys that the struggles of the professional class American women receive a bit more attention in the press than they in fact merit. A lot of things do.
There is nothing more tedious than reading a writer's writing on writing and how hard it is. Jeeze. Every job has difficulties. Writing is no different.
I'm sorry you've run out of ideas.
I once read a bit from j.k. Rowling about when she first started writing Harry Potter as a homeless single mom (did she make that up? Did I make that up? It sounds like too much when put like that.) She talked about writing wherever she could, whenever she had a free moment--even while standing in line at the grocery. If she can write under those circumstances, then anybody can write under theirs.
BS.
There’s a lot of free fanfic out there, good fanfic written by moms. They squeeze it in.
Shirley Jackson used to hire a babysitter to watch her kids while she wrote. Then, when she wrote women’s magazine essays about being a mother, wife, and writer, would claim she did all of her writing during nap times and after bedtime.
I seriously doubt it, they whine more than any woman I ever met.
Most women you and I know just live their lives and take care of bidness without a lot of fuss. :)
I don't suppose there's any possibility that the "Romantic notion of artistic vocation" is, in fact, baloney? That to be an artist in any area, especially the "Romantic" era (1800-1850) was either a strictly commercial enterprise or something for well-off gentry.
I don't suppose there's any possibility that anyone claiming they have the "Romantic notion of artistic vocation" is just preening before others and/or fooling themselves? (Just going by my evaluations of the "artists" involved in overheard conversations at various coffee shops and restaurants in my area. Not to mention looking at the "art" produced by such people that is displayed - with price tags - on the walls of such coffee shops and restaurants in my area.)
(TBH, I actually haven't read the article and don't intend to so I don't know if that was the woman's claim or the article author's claim or the headline writer's claim.)
duh
Shirley Jackson used to hire a babysitter to watch her kids while she wrote. Then, when she wrote women’s magazine essays about being a mother, wife, and writer, would claim she did all of her writing during nap times and after bedtime.
I wonder how all the fairly big-name mommy bloggers have time to produce what is a thoroughly polished product. Nap times and after bedtime are not enough time to do that, unless you have full time help doing everything else that most of us moms have to do when the little ones are sleeping.
I’d say that any woman who stays home and cares for an infant and a family and isn’t a professional, has the same sort of struggles to some extent. Too little time to oneself, too much work, too little energy. I’ve told my daughters to just go with the flow as much as they possibly can and don’t expect to complete any big projects during the first year of the baby’s life. This too shall pass and enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s a very special time.
One of my daughters worked after three months of maternity leave, ran over to daycare and nursed the baby and back to work, then home to try to get dinner on and off to bed early. She did say she was exhausted and I didn’t consider it whining in any way, it’s simply a statement of fact. My other daughter, a stay at home mom also complained of being tired during the first year and I don’t for a second think she was whining. It IS exhausting taking care of infants and small children and any man who has no sympathy for the mom with an infant is an asshole and should never consider having children
tim maguire wrote...
I once read a bit from j.k. Rowling about when she first started writing Harry Potter as a homeless single mom (did she make that up? Did I make that up? It sounds like too much when put like that.) She talked about writing wherever she could, whenever she had a free moment--even while standing in line at the grocery. If she can write under those circumstances, then anybody can write under theirs.
The wonderful mid-century Scottish writer, Jane Duncan, described her fictional self through the eyes of one of her characters: My point is that without these tensions you create around yourself, you would be unable to write at all and you can complain about the nuisance value of the world around you until Doomsday but you will go on attracting nuisances.
It IS exhausting taking care of infants and small children and any man who has no sympathy for the mom with an infant is an asshole and should never consider having children.
Your commenting is getting tiresome. Nobody is criticizing women with children. The issue is bitching about children while writing.
One thing about little children is that they grow up. Do your writing when they are older. The woman who wrote "The Shipping News" was in her 90s.
The doing is what seems hard,” Heti writes. “The having seems marvellous.”
So true ......so true about anything worth accomplishing.
I just spent the last week helping care for my 6 week old granddaughter and listening to my law professor daughter-in-law strategize how she would cope once maternity leave ended. It will not be easy. It has never been easy to do it all.
I'm not exactly sure from this article what exactly the Romantic idea of writing as a vocation is; but there is a sentence in the article about the writer feeling in touch with a force or power beyond himself. If that's it, then yes, I've felt that in my own writing. And no, David-2, it isn't preening; or if it is, I'm a poor preener, since it isn't something I share with others, except maybe in a writer's group. And it must be a vocation--at least my vocation--because I certainly never felt that way toiling.in the corporate vineyards for Mr. Dithers and Bill Lindquist.
"Sheila Heti Wrestles with a Big Decision in 'Motherhood'/How to reconcile the domestic responsibilities of parenthood with the Romantic notion of artistic vocation?" by Alexandra Schwartz in The New Yorker.
Lots of non-artistic women have wrestled with this. They found that "growing the hell up" is a good solution.
I can't think of any time in history when a male artist was forced by necessity to work full time on something other than the art he wanted to produce. You know: to do things like provide for his family, defend his nation, that sort of thing. What an utterly unique situation this author points out! It's not like thousands of generations of human beings had to toil so hard just to survive (and provide for their families) that they weren't able to pursue their artistic desires at all.
It's difficult to reconcile's one's desires with the practical demands life (family, survival, whatever) places on you. That's probably the least original idea possible. But it's IMPORTANT when the person in question is a female artist, see, and it's VITAL that we discuss that particular case because it involves BIG QUESTIONS about gender, gender roles, the way society treats women...blah blah blah. The banality--it burns!
"My old man was born to rock/he's still tryin' to beat the clock"
YT - Tom Petty: You Don't Know How it Feels
Busy mothers who want to write should write poetry instead of prose.
The compensation of a poem can be done largely by reciting and adjusting the work mentally, without fixating visually on a text.
'Do I hate being a wife?' she asks herself. 'Do I hate being a mother?' She loves her husband and her young children with all her heart. 'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
Oh, ffs. In other news, water is wet and fire burns. Having children is the perennial example of loss of individual freedom, of sacrificing most of oneself for the well-being of another. The sense of loss in freedom is supposed to be replaced with the joy of being a parent (notice I wrote, "joy", not "happiness"). There are large bodies of work on the subject of being a parent and the loss the writer-mom is feeling, ranging from academic to Erma Bombeck. If this woman chose to ignore those warnings, it's on her.
I DO have sympathy with ANYONE (man or woman)who is trying to balance a professional and family life because I do it myself. On the other hand, I don't lament the profoundly obvious and don't profoundly regret my decision to have not, one, not two, not three, but four children.
There's always trade-offs no matter what you do. The best thing to do is recognize that fact and get used to it.
“Your commenting is getting tiresome. Nobody is criticizing women with children. The issue is bitching about children while writing.”
You are getting tiresome. No one says you must read what I write. And yes there are people calling her a whiner and bitching about a reality of being a mother with a small child and trying to do anything at all besides mothering. Sometimes it’s something as simple as juggling a screaming infant on ones hip and getting dinner on the table for the rest of the family. The point I was making is that expecting to be productive during the first years of the child’s life is a bit unrealistic. It’s too bad I had to spell it out for you Michael, you are more frequently misunderstanding what people write.
All people, men and women, want to do something transcendent and meaningful and creative, and get frustrated when the daily grind makes that hard. If we are lucky and canny we can weave meaning and creativity into our daily grind. My husband takes stunning photos when he's on business trips. I try to meditate when I nurse the baby and I try really hard to write in my journal in the evenings. It's not enough but it's something.
I fully support what Freeman said. You can't have it all.
And for those of you wondering about how those mommy bloggers get it done, well at least in in this instance, it is a complete sham.
My wife is at 30 weeks in a few days. Based on what I know of her constitution and personality, she'll put this woman to shame. She is a rock star and tough as nails.
I get sick of reading about whining women as well. The only ones who really have it that hard are the ones who put themselves there. We live in the most female-deferential society ever created, and one side effect of that is the endless bitching deserves nothing but mockery and derision. No sympathy from me, and no support either. The only woman I feel the need to support is my wife, and she'll get everything I have to give, and I don't have to worry about her whining that it's all just, like, so unfair and how she, like, just can't even.
Bitches who want attention that badly ought to just join Instawhore and slut up for the camera. Plenty of thirsty dudes on there willing to lick the sweat off your taint or lap up your crocodile tears.
You’re still young Pants, all in due time. You’re probably the same age as some of my daughters. Meditating while nursing is killing two birds with one stone, caring for the needs of your child and your soul/ mind.
Again, First World Problems.
The woman who wrote "The Shipping News" was in her 90s.
She was 58, but close enough.
“The woman who wrote "The Shipping News" was in her 90s.”
“She was 58, but close enough.”
Hey! I resent that!
"or something for well-off gentry."
True.
Writing was traditionally exactly that.
Or for one with a wealthy patron.
One must add the clergy, for similar reasons.
Euler:
"His simple pleasures included growing vegetables in his garden and telling stories of his 13 children and playing with his many grandchildren. (Dunham, 1990) He is possibly the most prolific writer in mathematics history."
Oooh good share, Birches. Similarly, I remember thinking 'wait wut?' years ago, when The Pioneer Woman really took off. It didn't add up. Homeschooling four kids, running a giant and complex ranch, showcasing sophisticated photography, maintaining a sprawling and professional website, all that daily home cooking ~ just, no. There's a paid staff behind all that, which is fine, whatever, her brand and the lifestyle dream it represents is a product that people like to consume and she's made a ton of money selling it, so good for her. But people need to remember that it's a cleverly produced fantasy.
Professional lady said...There's always trade-offs no matter what you do. The best thing to do is recognize that fact and get used to it.
That's sexist. Stop being sexist.
Freeman Hunt said...You have to decide what is most important.
What a sexist thing to say! The premise of your assertion is sexist.
Birches said...I fully support what Freeman said. You can't have it all.
Bald, unabashed sexism. Knock it off!
What's with the Althouse crowd today? Your conception of reality is sexist and you need to get your minds right. Do whatever is necessary--THINK DEEPLY if you must--but straighten up you lot of deplorable woman-haters.
Correction of my comment at 12:48 PM
The composition of a poem can be done ....
It IS exhausting taking care of infants and small children and any man who has no sympathy for the mom with an infant is an asshole and should never consider having children.
It's pretty easy to say you're not whining when you don't realize you're .... whining.
But as we know, self-awareness isn't exactly your strong suit.
Blogger Inga said...
“The woman who wrote "The Shipping News" was in her 90s.”
“She was 58, but close enough.”
You're right. Maybe I was thinking of Doris Lessing.
Then there is Herman Wouk but he is a man.
"It IS exhausting taking care of infants and small children and any man who has no sympathy for the mom with an infant is an asshole and should never consider having children."
There is a difference between stating the absolute fact that being a parent of an infant is exhausting, with that I think everyone can agree. The issue is not that it is exhausting, the issue is that the author in question is complaining about being "unfree". Men feel unfree all the time, it does not however warrant any book sales. The woman (if we can assume she is a woman) says she is the source of nutrition for her child. That is a choice she does not have to breast feed.
The point I was making is that expecting to be productive during the first years of the child’s life is a bit unrealistic. It’s too bad I had to spell it out for you Michael, you are more frequently misunderstanding what people write.
I understood perfectly and you are still tiresome. All your troubles would vanish if only men disappeared.
There's always trade-offs no matter what you do. The best thing to do is recognize that fact and get used to it.
I can tell you fancy
I can tell you plain
You give something up
For every thing you gain
Every pleasure's got
An edge of pain
So pay for your ticket
And don't complain
It’s never too late to let your creative juices flow.
“Mary Delany was a decoupage artist and paper art professional later in her life. It wasn’t until she had sadly been forced to marry a man 43 years her senior and nursed him through ill health that she got to her career as an artist. She was from an aristocratic background and had some seriously creative friends including Handel, Joesph Banks, and Daniel Solander to inspire her before she took to paper craft. She also had a cracking wit about her and her published letters and diaries are as well known as her works of art.”
“Grandma Moses worked on a farm most of her life. She only started painting in her late seventies after she retired from her farming duties. At the start of her career, Grandma Moses entered some of her paintings into her local county fair, but they did not win any prizes. Her work was discovered by art collector, Louis Caldor, when found her paintings for sale at the local drug store. Caldor worked on Grandma Moses’ behalf to get her work displayed in museums and galleries. Grandma Moses enjoyed over twenty years of painting success and became folk art sensation. She painted up until her death at 101 years old.”
“All your troubles would vanish if only men disappeared.”
LOL. No, only you. But I honestly can’t even say that. Michael, stop being such an old crotchety curmudgeon, this blog doesn’t exist only for you and the opinions you like.
Kurt Vonnegut's son said of his father that he "envied Tolstoy his dead children." John Grisham started writing every morning at five before heading off to work full time as a lawyer.
Mommy blogger meets unreliable narrator.
Being a mother is a heck of a lot of fun. What's hard is if someone, especially the little, gets sick. I'm not productive for the first 9-12 months. I like to chill and spend lots of time as a family having fun.
I know others who were productive in the first 12 months. Their babies were good sleepers.
“I know others who were productive in the first 12 months. Their babies were good sleepers.”
Good sleepers are such a blessing! I’ve had two that were and two that weren’t and oh boy what a difference. Sleep deprivation is real.
The only thing new about this is that modern mothers seems surprised by how hard the job is, but I don't think it was anywhere near as demanding on my mother. I do think the job of mom was easier then, becuase it wasn't competitive. When it comes to being central to your kids' lives, "Better than nothing is a high standard."
Maybe it's just not in the universe's unfolding plan that she be a great writer.
Actually, you can have it all, just not at the same moment in time.
Good sleepers are such a blessing! I’ve had two that were and two that weren’t and oh boy what a difference. Sleep deprivation is real.
Our youngest consolidated sleep early on. By nine months would go down early and sleep in late. We tried not to tell other parents with infants who were not sleeping.
Never experienced one with colic. Feel fortunate. What is hard is when they're in pain or sick.
Other stuff is sort of hard, but not really, and it's also kind of fun. Toddler throwing food on the floor and laughing. It's more work to clean up, but it's also hilarious.
I never heard my mother or any mother complain about how hard being a mother was back in the day, and my mom was a full time welder working alongside men the whole time. I think back then that such a complaint would bring your womanhood into question.
Elisabeth Moss of The Handmaid's Tale says "This is happening in real life. Wake up, people!!!11!!!!"
I guess she has been to the NY DA's place. . .
Story at The Guardian.
I think feminists so much time denigrating the idea of being a mother that young women sometimes have the idea that it is easy and must be supplemented by some cash-producing endeavor to be worthwhile.
guess she has been to the NY DA’s place. . .
Or the Muslim world.
"Grandma Moses worked on a farm most of her life. She only started painting in her late seventies after she retired from her farming duties. At the start of her career, Grandma Moses entered some of her paintings into her local county fair, but they did not win any prizes. Her work was discovered by art collector, Louis Caldor, when found her paintings for sale at the local drug store. Caldor worked on Grandma Moses’ behalf to get her work displayed in museums and galleries. Grandma Moses enjoyed over twenty years of painting success and became folk art sensation. She painted up until her death at 101 years old.”
And remained a hot babe until the day she died!
'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
No shit, sweetheart. Welcome to the world of adultnood.
Or the Muslim world.
Nah. You'll never believe this, but she thinks it is because of Trump's victory.
I rent a desk to get away from home. No one understands that writing is a job, everyone treats it as a hobby. I have to physically leave to get the space I need. I pay a price for that, but I also have a book being published.
Staying home from writing is the same as staying home from work. Take the leave, come back to work like everyone else. It's unrealistic to expect to work while taking care of an infant. I've done it. It's unrealistic. Writing is just another job, and it has the same trade-offs.
The dirty secret of most successful writers is that they have some other source of income that allows them to spend huge amounts of time not getting paid.
I am profoundly unfree
Kotex Freedom Maxi Wings and Freedom Carpet Cleaner to the rescue.
You're welcome!
I rent a desk to get away from home. No one understands that writing is a job, everyone treats it as a hobby. I have to physically leave to get the space I need. I pay a price for that, but I also have a book being published.
I haven't gone that far with my writing "career" (only two novellas and a short so far). I found success because I've always been a night-owl and was able to sit up very late and work in a completely silent house. Sure, I paid for it the next day at work, but that's only because I'm profoundly unfree.
BagoH20 said: I never heard my mother or any mother complain about how hard being a mother was back in the day, and my mom was a full time welder working alongside men the whole time.
Ditto. My mother was a Printer working in the same industry as my Dad. One of very FEW women in that field at the time, when papers were printed by hot lead linotype machines. In fact, my mother was a better linotype operator than most of the men and one of the first to be trained in the new (for the 60's) teletype machines. We were pretty damned proud of having such accomplished parents.
It just was what it was. Parents did their work, took care of the kids, shared the load and did the best they could. Kids didn't demand "things", toys, or expect to be catered to. Once we reached the advanced ages of 8 or 10 years old, we were given more responsibilities and CHORES. Made our own breakfasts, lunches, laundry. Let ourselves into the house after school because our parents were WORKING! We were expected to be able to entertain ourselves, go outside, play with neighborhood kids and OBEY our parents and leave them alone to do adult things when it was adult time.
When it was weekends and family time, we had picnics, BBQs, went camping, went to the beach, had parties with other neighbors where adults could socialize and we kids could go wild. We didn't need to have hovering parents and didn't want them to hover either.
Obviously, toddlers and babies will require much more work and put a big burden on the parents, especially mother, during the younger years. IF you have more than one child, however, the older kids will help with the younger.
TLDR: Suck it up Buttercup.
"I am proudly unfree," says the whining, female, upper West-side fledging writer.
I would suggest more blow jobs for your poor husband. Then, at least one of you, wouldn't be completely miserable.
I am profoundly unfree
Work Makes You Free
The Germans have words for that.
I think feminists so much time denigrating the idea of being a mother that young women sometimes have the idea that it is easy and must be supplemented by some cash-producing endeavor to be worthwhile.
Agree completely. Here's something else I've thought about. Our society and culture has become so focused on self fulfillment that becoming a mother is a radical worldview change. It becomes obvious that you aren't the center of the universe. I think most people used to know this inherently 50 years ago.
"I have to physically leave to get the space I need."
AJ Cronin took his family on a vacation, rented a cabin and shut himself up for weeks to write "Hatter's Castle," his first novel.
I've read everything he wrote.
Michael, stop being such an old crotchety curmudgeon, this blog doesn’t exist only for you and the opinions you like.
Inga, if your comments were only on topics other than your hatred of Trump and your terrible life as a woman, I might read more of them.
I don't ask anyone to limit themselves except the trolls. There are blogs where topics other than Trump are the majority of comments.
I could give you a list but I'm afraid, if you did got there, you would still be obsessed with Trump.
Inga said;: I’ve told my daughters to just go with the flow as much as they possibly can and don’t expect to complete any big projects during the first year of the baby’s life. This too shall pass and enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s a very special time.
This is actually the best advice. Just go with the flow. Don't overthink everything. Stop putting UNrealistic goals in front of yourself. Trying to be the perfect mother, career woman, wife all at one time. No one is the perfect Mother. Who cares if your house is untidy. Sometimes a tuna sandwich is a great dinner. You will be tired. Make mistakes. Your kids will scream. You will want to scream.
Children really need a lot LESS attention than our modern society tries to make young women think.
Learn to cherish those nap times!!!!
This too shall pass.
Thank God we live in a country where the courts take an enlightened view of post partum depression. It's time for Mommy's little snookums to have an extra special bath.
She loves her husband and her young children with all her heart. 'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
Adult responsibility makes one "unfree" huh? Why not go all in and claim your freely chosen relationships are slavery? Maybe the government should be required to provide the services you're responsible for so you're not a slave. That means forcing others to work to provide that service but what the hell someone else's work isn't slavery, just yours.
'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
You want to know when you will be "free?" In the grave. Profoundly free. Then all the pesky "people" and "children" and "friends" and "family" and "obligations" and "limitations" will be finally gone. Meanwhile let's pretend like it's only motherhood that forecloses other opportunities---instead of acknowledging the Iron Law that every single choice we make forecloses trillions of other choices. Would the author REALLY want to die clutching her manuscripts, instead of a loved-one's hand?
"Ain’t that the truth? Let’s see if some of these guys who have no idea what it is to carry, give birth and then care for the infant, can do it without a bit of whining/ venting. I seriously doubt it, they whine more than any woman I ever met."
You're joking, right? If men could birth, labor would be a league sport.
If men could birth, labor would be a league sport.
You mean like the National Prostate Cancer League ?
She has a point. Things will get easier for her in the future.
Someday, she will write about empty nest syndrome.
"Ain’t that the truth? Let’s see if some of these guys who have no idea what it is to carry, give birth and then care for the infant, can do it without a bit of whining/ venting. I seriously doubt it, they whine more than any woman I ever met."
Mother of three told me her toothache was much worse than childbirth.
If childbirth so bad, why do it more than once?
"She loves her husband and her young children with all her heart. 'And yet, I am profoundly unfree.'"
Might I suggest the path Gauguin blazed?
-sw
Children really need a lot LESS attention than our modern society tries to make young women think.
Learn to cherish those nap times!!!!
This too shall pass.
"Free range kids" is a modern lunacy. My mother went back to work when I was in 8th grade and my sister was in 5th. She worked until she was 77. She wanted her own money. She died at 103.
My first day of kindergarten, she got the little boy cross the street to walk me to school so I would know the way.
That was it.
I don't think that this is that bad of an article. This is
kind of the reality of being a parent if you're the primary
care giver. She is writing from kind of like the peak of
commitment, in her life anyway, that is a one-year old and
a three-year old at the same time. What sounds like hyperbole
may be literally true.
Now it will get easier probably as they get older.
But of course there's a conflict between doing this and being a
writer. Heck, it doesn't matter whether you're trying to be
a writer, or an artist, or have much more modest goals.
Everybody that does this experiences this as a time of
sacrifice. That is if you're actually being the parent and
you haven't sloughed it off on other people.
This is one of the unfair things about being a woman.
Sometimes it is the man that makes this sacrifice, but as everyone
knows by some huge margin it's far more likely to be a woman,
and being the primary caregiver means this huge chunk of time
comes out of your life, where you can barely do whatever it
is that you were trying to do before you had your kids.
And we live in a society and in particular she lives in a
society that puts little value on being a good parent.
It is a bit amazing that these women's magazines that she writes
for want to edit out her references to her children. But that's
part of what feminism means obviously.
But that's almost a trivial issue compared to the mental state
you inhabit as a primary caregiver if you have a significant
amount of ambition.
This is actually a pretty good article. I suspect she put
a lot of effort into this. She's thought about this a lot
and she is trying to be as literally truthful about what she
has experienced as she can without coming off as a crazy person.
More excellent books have already been written and published than anyone could read in a lifetime. What's the point of adding more to the pile?
On the other hand, there are already 7 billion people in the world. What's the point of adding more to the pile?
Her experience can be compared to the great literary accomplishments of total assholes who demanded everyone cater to their needs, from Sam Clemens to Hemingway. One way to have time and energy to devote to one's art is to take that time and energy and devote it only to one's art, and to hell with the rest.
It's a job like any other. Get a nanny or a daycare provider and get to work. Why should writing be any different?
I once read that weaving was historically a woman's activity (e.g, "the distaff side") because it's something you can stop doing the moment a baby cries or a pot boils over and then pick up again whenever you're ready. Writing is not like that.
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