"When you were a teenager or a college kid, you felt sure that once people had nice apartments or houses that they OWNED, for Chrissakes, they would be throwing parties left and right. Wasn't that the whole point of growing older and having a miserable job, so you could invite people over to your place to drink beer together? You thought you'd probably spend your adulthood going from one friend's house to the next, drinking cold beer and falling in and out of love with your friend's other friends. But you were wrong. Because except for those rare heroes who can be counted on to throw ragers every now and then, no one ever throws big, raucous parties. Your acquaintances and your casual friends and your close friends are all lazy fucking chickenshits. And do you know what happens to those few friends who aren't lazy chickenshits, as they get older? They stop throwing ragers and they start throwing exactly one party a year. And guess what? It's a holiday party...."
From "Stop Throwing Terrible Holiday Parties," Heather Havrilesky.
December 1, 2015
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51 comments:
Profanity has its place in some circumstances, but I don't think it added to this screed at all.
Sounds like this person needs a more fun class of friends. Her bio states that she makes appearances on NPR's All thing Belabored -- dullness is what you get when you pander to the tote bag crowd.
She is also one of those boring writers who thinks edgy writing consists of random insertion of the F word.
It isn't necessarily true that people get too lazy and passive to throw endless parties when they get a place of their own. It's that a) they're growing up, and b) they have bills to pay. When you're living on your parents' money (or racking up student loan debt), it's easy to blow a lot of money on booze and entertainment, then sleep it off in the morning. But when you have a job that expects you to show up sober and on time and bills to pay, you tend to cut down on stupid stuff.
I blame Facebook.
Parties were usually a way to be social, to see friends that you hadn't spoken to in a while, to catch up on their lives, etc. Now you just log on and look at the pictures from their recent trip to Jamaica. We're in each others lives 24/7, so now the goal is to find time away from everyone.
She sounds like a lot of fun........
I can't believe I wasted my time reading this juvenile rant.
The essay was part of a "weeklong series on the art of entertaining, for women who are too busy for Pinterest."
Really funny. One part P.J. O'Rourke. One part Dennis Leary. One part Jean Shepherd.
All from a woman's brain, a writing seemingly targeting the "inner frat boy" in us all.
Not about the "private ennui" of white women.
Or was it?
I sensing an Althouse theme this morning.
I can't believe I clicked the bait. We own a place, you do not need a "rager". Sorry.
If you click on the authors name and look at the previous article, it says a lot about the motivation of current article.
Here are the other articles that are trending at nymag.com:
1. More Women Have Accused James Deen of Assault
2. Wearing a Hair Tie on Your Wrist Is the Convenient New Way to Almost Die
3. The Best Ways to Fake a Clean House
4. Not Surprisingly, People Use Airbnb to Get Laid
5. Terry Richardson Shot Miley Cyrus for CANDY Magazine and It’s As NSFW As You’re Imagining
6. London Woman Handed Fat-Shaming Card on Train; Can We Abandon Earth Now?
7. How the Planned Parenthood Attack Could Reverse the Politics of Abortion
8. Once Again, Katie Holmes Would Like to Remind You That She Is a Real New Yorker
9. Soon-To-Be-Dad Terry Richardson Shot His Naked Baby Mama
10. Stoya Accused Her Ex James Deen of Rape; Deen Responds
It's all perverts, and porno stars. Exactly, who is the target demographic?
For most people attending the bash hormones wane as they age. The safe word becomes 'White Christmas'.
Her friends are probably throwing great parties, they're just not inviting her.
Heathers two mommies need to tell their little princess to grow the F up.
Maybe she doesn't get invited?
Maybe she needs new friends? Definitely needs a new attitude.
White People problems # 43976
It turns out that there are professionals who arrange amazing parties every single night of the week at places you can go and not have to worry about setting up decorations or bringing anything or helping with cleanup.
These places exist all over the country -- and the internet exists to help you find them.
When you were a teenager, or in college, you couldn't legally get into these professional establishments with their liquor licenses and must-be-twenty-one-to-enter policies. But once you've got money and a valid ID, why would you need to trash your friends' houses?
Capitalism for the win, again.
Oh yeah, why doesn't SHE throw a damn party if everyone else sucks at it? She probably doesn't want people trashing her house. How boring.
Here's why people throw fewer parties when they grow up:
1) Hangovers. They're worse when you're older.
2) Lack of free time. It takes time to set up the party, host it, and clean up afterwards. It can eat up a weekend, and when you work more (compared to being in college where you have a lot more free time) your time is more precious.
3) Kids. For guests and hosts alike, it often means lining up a sitter, or dragging them along (if the party allows).
4) Driving. When we're older, we're more likely to live in suburbs, and farther from our friends, requiring driving usually and it's not worth the risk to drink and then drive home. Getting a DD may not be feasible, and you are less willing to stay over at a friend's house when you're older and would rather wake in your own bed. So if you do go to a party, it'll be with the plan of drinking little.
5) Tastes. We and our guests are likelier to have more expensive tastes--good food needs to be put out, better booze needs to be available, and you can't just put out a cheap keg or a few cases of macrobrew and bags of chips. Even though you have more money to spend than you used to, you aren't as willing to spend it on hosting parties.
One difference is that in college you could walk to a party or people could walk to yours. Everyone lived on campus. No DUI issues, so everyone drank to excess. Disorderly intoxication, maybe, but no DUI problem.
Christmas parties: I went to a Christmas party in South Florida a few years ago where every one of the fifty or so attendees except Mrs. Wilbur and I was a transplanted New Yorker of the Jewish persuasion. The conversation of the group around the pool turned to summer camp experiences. When someone asked me, I had to say not only had I not gone to summer camp, I never knew anyone who had gone to a summer camp. They found that rather droll, that is, amusingly odd. Bless their hearts.
My wife and I never throw parties, and we never go to them. For me they are a source of boredom and depression.
MUST READ: The Internet wasnt prepared for what this woman said about Holiday Parties!
Very weak sauce. I wonder if Althouse posted this ironically.
If this was handed in as a creative writting assignment, I dont think even the peer review would have been very understanding. What is with all the crudeness and vulgarity used in place of intensifiers and writerly talent? Shouldn't a editor step in and put a stop to this.
"
You need to smash some Brie onto a tasteless cracker and break the stupid cracker and then shove the whole mess into your mouth in the middle of a strained conversation with some dipshit from your friend's office whose lackluster baritone drone blends seamlessly with Perry Como's baritone crooning of "The Little Drummer Boy," so that you can’t make out a single dipshitty drummer-boy word.
"
What about the old days of Office parties. When money was rolling in under Reaganomics we paid for big Christmas parties at elite Restaurants that cost tens of thousands of dollars for food and high end wines.
We miss those old times. Today the Sunday School Class Christmas party at a Country Club is a close second.
Once I got out of college and moved to California, my roommate and I had parties all the time (everyone did--it was the 60's). Of course they were BYOB parties--lots of cheap beer and jugs of Red Mountain wine (the only time we supplied the booze, usually a keg, was when people were expected to help us paint or something). We lived on the Balboa peninsula and life truly was a beach. Have people forgotten how to have fun?
Pointless potty mouth. Flaccid writing. Not worth the time to study in depth. This lady can stay out of my social orbit for the rest of my life and I wouldn't even notice her absence.
Everything Brando said, really
My wife and I used to be pretty reliable party hosts, but it's just gotten too damned hard / time-consuming.
Kids - and their disruptive influence on our and our friends' schedules.
Hangovers - Hurt more, and kids don't let you sleep through them.
Food - A higher standard is expected - which not only takes more money, but takes more TIME.
Booze - Eh, I was always happy to spring for the good stuff. Actually, my own reduced consumption + friends and family continuing to gift based on my past consumption means I could pretty much open a bar.
Driving - Uber has pretty much fixed this. Don't be a cheapskate.
Her friends are probably throwing great parties, they're just not inviting her.
Agreed. It sounds like (from the comments above) she comes into a party looking for things to be pissed about. Not exactly someone any host wants.
(Posted without reading the story, fwiw)
I thought Americans still had private barbecues and neighbourhood parties and so on -- on Independence Day especially, but also on Memorial Day or other holidays. Is it just that those tend to be towards the middle of the day and family-friendly so they don't count as "parties" in the author's mind?
So throw your own damn party, Heather, and shut up.
Maybe once a week.
Oh, and invite Laslo.
Memorable parties need to have elements of danger. For convenience, it’s also better for the event to be outdoors. With a big flaming fire pit, tequila and fireworks. Don’t limit the party to inviting the “right” people. Be sure to invite some of the scary people you might know. Bikers, tramps and drunks and ne’er-do-well neighbors can all bring life to the party. These salt-of-the-earth people keep the discussion away from boring topics, like medical ailments, work or Susie’s first year at college. You might actually hear some interesting stories about the judicial court system, probation or child custody. If there’s some singing, fighting, crying and passing out, all the more memorable. Later, when you run into these people at the convenience store, they’ll remember you for being a great host, and not an insufferable dick-wad.
Be sure to buy some decent Tequila. Not the shit made from corn syrup.
My neighbor used to hold an annual Beaujolais nouveau party every December. Now that was a boring party. Eventually his wife ran off with the yoga instructor and he stopped torturing us with that yawn fest.
My first thought, like some other commenters, her friends are having parties, but not inviting her.
The reason, if you are out of college and think your friends should be holding "ragers", then you are lame. Also, they don't want to encourage her alcoholism.
I was interested in the disconnect between the young you and the old. The young you imagines a delightful world of adulthood and the old you doesn't find that world (or even take steps to make it happen). Does it mean that the old you doesn't really want it or just that the old you doesn't want to be the one to make it happen? The worst position is to find yourself in the halfhearted version of what the young you wanted but not really what it was supposed to be at all: that is, apparently, the holiday party.
Why is there a party season? Maybe because of all the darkness. Does it have something to do with a (darkness-related) desire some people have to wear sparkly clothes and add decorations to their houses? I find the darkness makes me want to go to sleep early.
You need to smash some Brie onto a tasteless cracker
It's supposed to be tasteless so that you can taste the Brie.
I followed one of the trending links accusing porn star James Deen of rape. I learned that "It's not rape if you yell SURPRISE!!".
Do most adults want to go to a "rager?" I doubt it.
Well, I liked it.
"Why is there a party season?"
There isn't. We have parties year-round.
New Years
Super Bowl
St. Patrick's Day
Cinco de Mayo
4th of July
Endless Baseball Game Tail-gaters
Back-yard Barbecues
Birthdays
Anniversaries
Football Tail-gaters
Oscar Night
Halloween
Thanksgiving
Christmas
yadda yadda yadda
If that biotch can't find a fun party to go to that's not during November/December she's not trying or has no friends.
They should just post on Twitter and tell each other how great they look.
The young you imagines a delightful world of adulthood and the old you doesn't find that world (or even take steps to make it happen). Does it mean that the old you doesn't really want it or just that the old you doesn't want to be the one to make it happen?
The old me finds that what I thought would be delightful about adulthood was laughably childish. Now that I actually am an adult the old me has discovered what actually is delightful about adulthood is, well, adult.
Most parties are boring. It's the rule.
I always thought as a kid, that life would be like the wine/beer commercials. I'd sit around with all my pals and pretty girls and laugh and say witty things and when not doing that I'd be having deep interesting conversations with my friends about politics, history, literature and life in general.
I'm sure some people do that, but I've never seen them. Bummer.
@Professor
I think its simply a matter of growing up. As you mature you find that while parties are fine and good, they aren't the be all and end all of existence. Kind of like sex.
"You are writing in the second person and you know you shouldn't. You know that writing in the second person is what bad writers do when they want to sound quirky. But you write in the second person anyway because--yes, you have to admit--you are a bad writer. Also, you know that bad writers use a lot of fucking curse words when they write because they don't know how to punch up their writing without them. Which is why you use a lot of fucking curse words when you write. Because--did I tell you this already?--you are a bad writer. Yes, you are."
I find the darkness makes me want to go to sleep early.
And sleep late!
I need to start using an alarm. The dog and cat are sleeping in.
I think Havrilesky's gone downhill a little.
She used to be more funny.
(Unlike other commenters, I realize she's not entirely serious.)
Why not accept that a Christmas party is a dress up social meet and greet for old friends and new friends of those friends...Like a real life Face Book.
"'I find the darkness makes me want to go to sleep early.' And sleep late!"
I've been getting up at 4. I have to wait hours for the sun rise. I wake up and look at the iPhone to see if it's at least a plausible time to get out of bed, and I just hope it's 4. Sometimes it's 2. That's not a good time to get up when one's classes all start at 2:40 pm.
This morning I woke myself up (at 4) by yelling "Help!" in the middle of a dream.
For a while we threw parties about monthly, as we preferred having our friends over to going to bars. But after a while, attendance dwindled and we were finding that the party hosting (set-up, purchase of booze/food, cleanup) could occupy the entire weekend and the last part of it wasn't much fun with a hangover. Some guests were worse than others (you'd find wadded napkins shoved into bookshelves, or something broken we didn't learn of until later) and party-hosting soon felt like an un-appreciated chore. Nowadays, it's more fun to have a smaller group over for drinks and dinner, as you get more quality time with your guests when there are fewer of them.
"This morning I woke myself up (at 4) by yelling "Help!" in the middle of a dream."
I once had dream where I was yelling "Help" because I thought someone was after me. And when that "someone" started pounding on the door in my dream, I yelled "Go away" "Go away".
Later, my Condo neighbor told me she heard me yelling for help & knocked on my door, but went away when i yelled "Go Away". Nice that someone cared.
Jake said...
Oh yeah, why doesn't SHE throw a damn party if everyone else sucks at it? She probably doesn't want people trashing her house. How boring.
That, or she doesn't want to pay for it herself. She sounds like the person who likes to go to parties to eat and drink at other people's expense.
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