June 9, 2015

"Friend, will you come shooting with me?"

Email from Ted Cruz.
... Click here now to enter for a chance to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights and come shooting with me... After you've entered, make a generous Shoot With Ted contribution of $35, $50, $100 or more to my campaign. Together we can reignite the promise of America and bring true, conservative leadership to the White House....

28 comments:

Bob Boyd said...

Hillary should do that.

tim in vermont said...

The jokes write themselves. Put in a donation with Dick Cheney's name, for instance.

SJ said...

My question is...

will someone bring along something belt-fed?

Like one of these.

It's an expensive collector's item; and is also expensive to run ammo through. But it's a heck of a lot of fun.

lemondog said...

How to shoot yourself in the foot. Crummy line.

Tank said...

Putting the fun in fundraising.

machine said...

and don't forget the background check.

Big Mike said...

@SJ, that's the .30 cal light machine gun. If you really want fun try Ma Deuce. (Bring double ear protection.)

Hey! I'd go shooting with Ted Cruz. But so far I'm only on Rand Paul's mailing list, and that's already one list too many.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

There are people in this world who can write emails like that without the self-hatred that goes hand-in-hand with life destroying alcoholism and I sincerely hope that scientists are studying those people so that some day they can synthesize in the laboratory the brain chemicals that make it possible.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

On the other hand, maybe it's done by interns and they rotate them out after 30 days so they don't pick up a chronic infection.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

Or maybe it's done like in the Monty Python "killer joke" bit where they used multiple guys to translate the joke into German so no one guy read the whole thing but then one guy saw too much of it and ended up in the hospital.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

There were two peanuts . . .

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laslo Spatula said...

I am leaving the apartment of the Neo-Nazi Girlfriend who Is Not My Girlfriend -- after the obligatory after-Denny's sex -- when I again run into her downstairs roommate, F-Ready.

"I was just thinking," F-Ready says, eating a Twizzler.

"Yeah?"

"Do you own a gun?"

"No..."

"Because I think you need to own a gun."

"I think I'm OK..."

"Bro, ALL white men should have a gun," he says sharply, swigging from his can of Steel Reserve. "For when the shit goes down. For instance: what happens if your girl needs protecting?"

"Protecting?"

"Protecting, Bro. Doesn't have to be from only Black Men, you know. Though they DO want her ass. But there are Asians, Mexicans: a lot of trouble out there for a blonde blue-eyed white woman. Even dumb punk-ass white boys."

"Dumb punk-ass white boys," I repeat.

"Thinking they all gangsta and shit. What are you going to do, tell them to stop? Ask for them to wait a minute while you call the cops?"

"I think it might be easier to just avoid trouble in the first place..."

"Avoid trouble? You don't avoid trouble, trouble has a hard-on for YOU. Trouble will fuck you in the ass, Bro."

"OK..."

"Do you want to be ass-fucked by Trouble?"

"No...I don't think I want to be ass-fucked by Trouble..."

"Then you need a gun. I can get you one."

"That's awfully nice of you..."

"Nice ain't shit, bro. If any harm came to Our Girl and I found out that you just let it go down..."

"That wouldn't be good..."

"You don't want to be sitting at home hoping someone finds your balls and are kind enough to mail them back to you..."

"My balls?"

"That wouldn't be the worst of it, believe me."

"I believe you."

"Glad that. Now how about you and me head down to the Seven-Eleven and get more Steel Reserve and Twizzlers."

"Because Red Vines are for pussies."

"See? You're getting it..."


I am Laslo.

Mike said...

Shoot yeah!

traditionalguy said...

So President Cruz will become our first hard of hearing President since Captain Truman of the Artillery Corps.

Skyler said...

I think Ted Cruz would make an excellent president and this is why. But I think he will be more useful in the Senate transforming Congress into a powerful branch of the government again.

damikesc said...

If legit, great. I love leaders who aren't afraid of being around people. Shame the Dems don't have that.

Scott said...

If I win, I wonder if Ted will allow me to bring my godless homosexual life partner with so that we can bust a few caps together.

(I actually got that email too. The only Republican I've sent money to this year is Carly Fiorina.)

Coupe said...

I hope Dick Cheney goes shooting with him. He's a pretty good shot.

Rusty said...

machine said...
and don't forget the background check.

You don't need to do that every time you leave the house with a gun. Jokes are funnier if you know something about with which you are joking.




Blogger Coupe said...
I hope Dick Cheney goes shooting with him. He's a pretty good shot.

As a matter of fact he is for a man his age.
You ever shoot skeet?


Coupe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rusty said...

That was nearly funny.

richard mcenroe said...

Wonder how many voters Hillary would trust near her with loaded guns?

Michael K said...

It didn't work out well for Chris Kyle.

The Savage Noble said...

Do I have to be werry, werry qwiet?

Mick said...

Why don't you write about what's important "law prof"? Cruz was born in Canada and had Canadian citizenship until only recently. He is not a natural born Citizen, eligible to be POTUS. Even the State dept. doubts his eligibility, even as they at the same time say "Citizens at Birth" (granted US Citizenship by 9 US Code 1401) are "not naturalized" . So why do they have doubts about Cruz?

"7 FAM 1131.6-2 Eligibility for Presidency
(TL:CON-68; 04-01-1998)
a. It has never been determined definitively by a court whether a person who acquired U.S. citizenship by birth abroad to U.S. citizens is a natural-born citizen within the meaning of Article II of the Constitution and, therefore, eligible for the Presidency".

Rusty said...

OK, Mick we get it. Give it a rest.

Mick said...

That's 8 US Code 1401(g)