November 13, 2014

"First, straights came for the smooth, pretty gay look recustomized as 'the metrosexual,' and now you have come for our hairier brethren. "

"What else would you like? What else can we give you? You’ve taken it all. All our cutting asides and repartee, design expertise, gym dedication, fitted shirts, food knowledge, high and low culture snarking, gift-buying nous, and our smarts ('She’s such a drama queen')—straight culture has gobbled gay culture as ravenously as Cookie Monster atomizes baked dough. It’s fine, we’ll take the compliment, even if we are baffled that you’re now wanting a slice of performing and playing with masculinity, given the amount of homophobia and legislative discrimination you have put in our way. All that gay fear you’ve labored under and battered us with, all that crap about what men should be, and now, with the lumbersexual, the metrosexual, the use of camp, and so much more, you’ve not only come over to our side, you want in on the joke. And lumberjacks, well, you should have really trademarked your look. The lumbersexual is beards and flannel shirts, the opposite of the waxed chest, sculpted muscles, empathetic male cyborg of a few years ago: the straight man who was 'gay' apart from where he chose to place his penis. "

From a Daily Beast article by Tim Teeman subtitled "Have you met the lumbersexual: all beards, flannel shirts, and work boots? It’s the latest gay ‘look’ co-opted by straights. Have it. We have nothing left to give you."

IN THE COMMENTS: Meade quotes Teeman's "We have nothing left to give you" and writes:
And after a long time the conflicted homophobic boy came back again.

"I am sorry, Conflicted Homophobic Boy," said the lumbersexual tree, "but I have nothing left to give you — My fashionable apples are gone."

"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the conflicted homophobic boy.

"My fitted branches are gone," said the lumbersexual tree. "You cannot swing on them —"

"I am too old to swing on branches," said the conflicted homophobic boy.

"My gym-toned trunk is gone," said the lumbersexual tree. "You cannot climb —"

"I am too tired to climb," said the conflicted homophobic boy.

"I am sorry," sighed the lumbersexual tree.

"I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am just an old lumbersexual stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now," said the conflicted homophobic boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"Well," said the lumbersexual tree, straightening [himself] up as much as [he] could, "Well, an old lumbersexual stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Conflicted Homophobic Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."

And the conflicted homophobic boy did.

And the lumbersexual tree was happy.

― Hugh Goldenburger, The Lumbersexual Tree 

60 comments:

rhhardin said...

Shorts and crocs is the new look.

Grackle said...

Hey, bufu-boys! You wanted to be mainstreamed, you got it. You aren't special anymore.

rehajm said...

I didn't realize gay culture invented the lumberjack. I was under the mistaken belief they originated with industrial logging culture.

SomeoneHasToSayIt said...

The lumbersexual is beards and flannel shirts, the opposite of the waxed chest, sculpted muscles, empathetic male cyborg of a few years ago: the straight man who was 'gay' apart from where he chose to place his penis. "

Yeah, but that one's a biggie.

SJ said...

@rehajm,

I think you're right.

Jeans/Flannel/Boots remind me of blue-collar culture in lumber camps and mining town.

robinintn said...

I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok.

Mark said...

My wife and I have referred to them as `urban hipster farmers' for a few years as the Madison such look seems more farm than lumberman.

See also: completely hairless male bodies at beach/waterpark. You can tell the men under 30 [or unmarried or from larger cities] as it's like they were born hairless.

The 28 year old guy who has visible hair? Either from a small town or chasing a toddler ....

`Queer eye for the straight guy' had an unintended effect of mainstreaming this more than expected.

Henry said...

There's only so much royal "we" to second-person "you" I can read in one sitting.

Who is this "you" that your "we" keeps addressing? I don't know that person.

tim maguire said...

I have a beard; therefore, you cannot have a beard. If you do have one, you took it from me. It's called intellectual property. Look it up!

Plus, if you're straight, then you are guilty of all the sins straight people have ever committed against gays. And because I'm gay, I am a victim of all the rotten things those straights have done.

It's irrelevant that you may never have sinned and equally irrelevant that I may never have been sinned against.

(Just FYI, this post can easily be repurposed if that MC fellow ever comes back--funny, I can't remember his name).

Gordon said...

" where he chose to place his penis."

Wait a minute. First it was preference, then it was by gawd built-in like a car radio, and now it's a matter of choice again?

tim maguire said...

Crack MC? Something like that. Feminists too. This post has legs.

tim maguire said...

Gordon, where you place your penis is a choice (though not always your choice). The desire encouraging you to do it is not.

Danno said...

Hell, most of males in northern Wisconsin have sported the lumberjack look for the last 50 years. So they took this look from the gay culture? Who knew?

phantommut said...

Shorts and crocs? Seriously? Have gay guys started co-opting Large Lesbian fashion? That should be popcorn-worthy.

(Any science fiction fans here probably already know that the first J.J. Abrams Star Trek can be viewed as a metaphor for the conflict between the bear and twink gay subcultures. The movie becomes much funnier viewed this way.)

Zeb Quinn said...

So they're now denying and disavowing the whole Queer Eye for the Straight Guy concept, are they?

MadisonMan said...

There is nothing original, ever, in fashion. It's all borrowed and recycled now. How can it not be?

Scott M said...

straight culture has gobbled gay culture as ravenously as Cookie Monster atomizes baked dough

Um...no...we haven't. We were just demonized to the point that you thought these positive things only existed within your selfish little sphere.

Bob Boyd said...

The squabbling of posers.

Laslo Spatula said...

I noticed he speaks of 'gays' not having anything left to give, but all of the examples are of male fashion. Does the gay woman not have anything worth appropriating? By inference, are gay women not seen by gay men as truly a part of gay culture? Are they simply 'fellow travelers'? Seems awfully close to gay patriarchy...

Clayton Hennesey said...

I wonder what the ladies really think of heterosexual culture's current wholesale adoption of anal sex, formerly the province only of gay men and that serendipitously interesting female date.

Bob Boyd said...

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars

I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa

- Monty Python

Unknown said...

Somewhere someone must have done a study on how "edgy" metastasizes and becomes within a standard deviation or two of popular culture. Rock & Roll, jazz, gear heads, geeks....

Shanna said...

I didn't realize gay culture invented the lumberjack. I was under the mistaken belief they originated with industrial logging culture.

Oh my god, straights, you've stolen flannel! LOL. This article is satire, right? Or maybe the author is 11 and things that every fashion look ever originated in the gay community.

chickelit said...

"Tongue in cheek" is something straights will not likely co-opt.

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

Uh, what?

I'm from the Olympic Peninsula of the magnificent state of Washington.

My husband has two great grandfathers who were actual literal loggers {no one in logging states calls them lumberjacks} and I have two who worked in actual literal sawmills.

Until the industry collapsed in the 90s we both had cousins who worked for Simpson.

We grew up driving roads where you had to occasionally pull to the side to dodge fully-loaded logging trucks.

Gay men: you did not invent lumberjack clothing.

RecChief said...

all I could think of was Monty Python

But seriously, there is a complaint about straights adopting gay culture? Doesn't this person understand that by adopting a culture, it becomes normalized? And then accepted?

Whiners everywhere. I guess it's hard to be a special snowflake if everyone is acting like a special snowflake.

Meade said...

"We have nothing left to give you."

“And after a long time the conflicted homophobic boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Conflicted Homophobic Boy," said the lumbersexual tree, "but I have nothing left to give you-
My fashionable apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the conflicted homophobic boy.
"My fitted branches are gone," said the lumbersexual tree.
"You cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the conflicted homophobic boy.
"My gym-toned trunk is gone," said the lumbersexual tree.
"You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the conflicted homophobic boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the lumbersexual tree.
"I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am just an old lumbersexual stump. I am sorry..."
"I don't need very much now," said the conflicted homophobic boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the lumbersexual tree, straightening herself up as much as she could,
"Well, an old lumbersexual stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Conflicted Homophobic Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the conflicted homophobic boy did.
And the lumbersexual tree was happy.”


― Hugh Goldenburger, The Lumbersexual Tree

Laslo Spatula said...

I see that the accompanying photo for the article has the bearded gay male smoking a cigarette; I thought the social police had decided that smoking made you a bad, bad person. Maybe it's only heterosexual smoking that is bad. That must be it.

RecChief said...

Beards, flannel shirts, and work boots? How can we tell teh gays apart from the hipsters then?

Mark said...

Pants, your home region gave us the 90's flannel wearing grunge music players.

This flannel listens to different music, so therefore it belongs to gay culture.

Anglelyne said...

I was marginally OK with gay marriage on the off chance it would get people like this to stop bitching for five blessed minutes. Guess not.

Laslo Spatula said...

"Well," said the lumbersexual tree, straightening herself up as much as she could..."

The Lumbersexual Tree is a 'her'? And has a 'stump'? Did Lumbersexual tree start off as male? I'm thinking Conflicted Homophobic Boy is sitting with the Translumber Tree...

Brando said...

Everything is influenced or "stolen" from something else, so how about we celebrate the impact our respective cultural traditions are having on others? Italians can be proud that others are eating pizza and attending operas, blacks can smile when they see whites eat soul food and listen to R&B, Jews can take solace when they see gentiles eat bagels and use yiddish curse words. If you don't like someone else "appropriating" your culture, the only realistic solution is to keep your culture perfectly hidden.

Otherwise, quit yer bitchin!

Brando said...

And the lumberjack thing--should manly men get all upset that gays took that from them? It's not like that was invented out of thin air.

Meade said...

"The Lumbersexual Tree is a 'her'?"

Well, an "it" to be precise.

The future belongs to grumpy stumpy bumptious lumbersexuals. Lumberjack, lumberjill — gender free — TIMMM-BRRRR...!

Michael K said...

He didn't mention where he chooses to take a penis.

Oversight, I'm sure.

Bob Boyd said...

And don't forget the Green Coalition of Gay Loggers for Jesus

T-shirts available here:
http://greencoalitionofgayloggersforjesus.us/

Laslo Spatula said...

"The future belongs to grumpy stumpy bumptious lumbersexuals. Lumberjack, lumberjill — gender free — TIMMM-BRRRR...!"

Timber: I was wondering how long a discussion on Lumbersexuals would take to get to 'logging' jokes. I just didn't think it would be Meade.

Rocketeer said...

Meade, that literally made me laugh out loud, possibly because it lampoons both a particularly obnoxious opinion piece AND a particularly obnoxious children's book.

Birches said...

Everyone was thinking of Monty Python, but I was thinking of The Simpsons.

sean said...

It is possible, if J. Crew or whoever is promoting the lumbersexual look this season, that the look came to J. Crew via gay urbanites. But it certainly is not a gay invention: it is indeed the organic male style in much of working class America. Either the article is satirical, or the author lives in a very isolated subculture.

Curious George said...

Tell you what gays guys, since you are nice enough to let us have the lumberjack look, we'll let you exclusively keep the "cock in your ass" and "balls on your chin".

Ralph Hyatt said...

http://www.bing.com/search?q=i%27m+a+lumberjack+and+i%27m+ok&qs=PA&pq=im+a+lumber&sc=8-11&sp=1&cvid=fa185584f8f34a218cddfbdc767ae3cf&FORM=QBLH

MaxedOutMama said...

Thank you for posting this bit of humor.

Work clothes and beards were the province of working, more rural guys for a long, long time before they were the province of homosexuals, surely? It's the style called "hick" and perhaps "fly-over chic", contemptuously. I think you can perhaps make it gay with a tasteful diamond stud in the ear above the beard? Or perhaps a little eye shadow?

I doubt Titus would be caught dead in this getup, so I think it might still be "fly-over chic".

I don't know why this entire thing struck me as laugh-out-loud hilarious, but it did, and thank you again. Loved the short story.

I think sweaters and flannel are catching back on just because we can't afford to heat our houses the way we used to do! Call it "cool living" if you must, but I'd say it's part of the reason for the midterms. Most of us just don't want to be that cool.

I look forward to the next round of this, in which a lesbian lays rightful claim to the flannel and work boots, if not the beards.

veni vidi vici said...

Do I understand correctly that these well-rounded heels are essentially claiming they own the look of "Grunge" in its now thrice-recycled incarnation?

Was "Singles" a gay rom-com?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singles_%281992_film%29

veni vidi vici said...

"Seems awfully close to gay patriarchy..."

The proper academic term for this is or should be "Gaytriarchy".

MaxedOutMama said...

PS: The actual article made me think of that piece by an Arabic woman castigating non-Arabic women who belly-danced. That was a good one too.

It's nice to know that we have no real problems, and can afford to invent some!

MaxedOutMama said...

To everyone - if you haven't read the article, do. It's filled with joyous tidbits such as:
Yet his ubiquity symbolizes the dissolving of more barriers between gay and straight. We are looking the same, acting the same, and mimicking masculinity the same. Soon, the only difference will be who either group chooses to sleep with, and straight men will no doubt find a way to sleep with other men, just as more gays get married, have children, and move out to the suburbs, from the inner-city areas they once gentrified and populated, which have now been colonized by straights-with-strollers.

Despite all the breathless style magazine articles, the lumbersexual is less a new desirable heterosexual model, but an acknowledgment that heterosexuality is a performance and jape.

Titus said...

Thanks for the laughs. Yea, I have seen the urban gay and straight lumberjacks, gay started it natch-i don't like the look.

Thanks Meade, I busted a nut-not literally.

But you know it isn't same as an actual lumberjack.

The look is similar but with major revisions.

more fun less bitching!

Sam L. said...

My title: The Long Decline Of The Trendy.

Chuck Currie said...

Lumbersexual?...flannels and work boots?...I just thought it was the return of grunge...

Paddy O said...

We'll give back the lumberjacks when they give us back our best names.


John: Homer, what have you got against gays?

Homer: You know, it's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!

Marge: Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!

Homer: No, they're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They took our best names, like Bruce, Lance, and Julian. Those used to be our toughest, manliest names, but now they're just...

John: Queer?

Homer: And that's another thing — I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

jr565 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jr565 said...

And similarly butch lesbians can have the lumberjack look, and Rachel Maddow can have her boyish haircut.

Transsexuals can pretend to be men.

Skeptical Voter said...

I'd say these guys protest and talk too much. I'd tell them to put a sock in it--but I'm afraid they would take the advice literally---and there goes another trip to the emergency room!

Serious as an aging heterosexual male, there's not much the gay community might "give" me that I want--except maybe peace and quiet and an end to worthless chatter.

Bruce Hayden said...

We grew up driving roads where you had to occasionally pull to the side to dodge fully-loaded logging trucks.

We have a road maybe 5 miles east of town where this happens today. Or, at least for a bit more until there is snow on the ground. They already have the logs laid in for the winter at the lumber mill (only one left in town - used to be three or four up until a decade or so ago). Drove by there yesterday, on my way to trash transfer station next door. In any case, the logging trucks move quite rapidly once loaded and moving downhill. They do stay in their lanes, or at least try. But this is a primary Forest Service road, and once it goes to gravel, isn't quite as wide as one might like.

The collapse of the timber industry (thanks to the environmentalists getting most timbering on FS land stopped) essentially caused the collapse of the economy here. It went from one of the more prosperous counties to one of the poorest in the state. Traditionally not much mining (but one is going to open up soon - announced that it had all the required approvals after over 20 years of work), and too mountainous for much farming and ranching. To be facetious though, the other growth industry is fire fighting, on all that land taken out of timbering, thanks to the continuing fuel buildup as the forests aren't being thinned.

Bruce Hayden said...

My kid went to college in the NE not far from the Canadian border. Plaid flannel shirts and jeans were standard on much of the student body. Saw the same sort of thing in Missoula and Bozeman. The nice thing about this is that the kid is now in grad school in the People's Republic of Boulder, which is one of the most terminally hip places in flyover country. Those shirts that were worn in places that used to have large timber industries are now acceptable in the tonier restaurants in town these days.

I might suggest that the way to tell though if the males in particular are wearing this sort of clothing because of where they are from, instead of because it is now urban chic, is to see if they are waxing and shaving their bodies. And, yes, some of the females quit doing their legs and arm pits, at least during the winter, when this dress is more functional than stylish.

tim in vermont said...

I had no idea that gays invented flannel shirts! The things one learns on the interwebs.

Tom said...

Cargo shorts, Hawaiian shirts, and sandals. That's the only way to go. (Yeah, I live in a place where you can do that pretty much year-round.)

Tom said...

With all the talk of lumberjacks and logging trucks, you need to look up comedian Brian Regan's bit about logging trucks. Hilarious.