I don't think this is a normal way for me to feel, but on the other hand I have no idea what I should do about it. I don't feel depressed - more just disapointed in myself, and jealous of the relationship other people seem to be able to build with her. Are some people just not cut out to be mothers? I love my husband, and my parents, and many friends, and my child is, by all accounts, beautiful, but I don't ever seem to have "bonded" with her - I don't find any trace of the feelings I have for them when I look at her. I keep hoping that perhaps when she's hold enough to hug me, or even respond in some way to anything I do that things will change, but I don't hold out much hope.Now that we have the choice whether to have babies, we rely so much on over-the-top descriptions of baby love. An honest person living a normal life quite sensibly wonders what's wrong with me?
The same is true of love, isn't it? We aren't assigned a husband or wife and required to deal with it. So when we go ahead and pair up, we're disappointed that it's not the big thrill it was promoted as. We think everyone else is in ecstasy, and we're puzzled by the flatness of our own lives.
It's hard to get the truth out, that with freedom comes ordinariness.
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16 comments:
What is your definition of unconditional love?
Sounds like the mother in the above isn't practicing it, but waiting for the baby to provide the right conditions.
Peace, Maxine
I have a friend who struggled with feelings that her baby didn't love her as much as she loved him. She anxiously watched the calendar waiting for that period to arrive when the baby should start smiling back at her and stuff like that. I felt so much pain for this friend, but I couldn't think of anything sensible to say to her. I didn't even know if being sensible was the right answer. The friend's sister wasn't having any of it tho'. She'd say, "Maybe he doesn't think you're funny." Or, "Get used to it." Ouch.
I don't find any trace of the feelings I have for them when I look at her.
Sounds more like she doesn't like the baby, than the other way around.
I've known a couple of people who had one or the other parent lose interest (or turn hostile, in one case) after they turned five or so. But it's hard to imagine anybody not liking a baby.
Oh, this makes me want to cry. And that's not just because I'm an emotional wreck, recovering from a chick flick.
The baby is only six weeks old! Of COURSE she has not developed a relationship with her child that has the depth of adult relationships. But she's bought into the crap about love at first sight, and unconditional love, so she feels like she's falling short.
Thank god this woman is reaching out for help. And thank god she's getting answers from actual parents.
And, Ann, I completely agree with you. I will throttle the next friend that complains they're heading into their thirties with no good prospects for marriage while simultaneously projecting the most RIDICULOUS criteria for true love.
Clearly this mother is projecting her beliefs on her kid. Her baby doesn't like or dislike her. But an anxious mother can make for an anxious baby. Babies are remarkable in their ability to pick up the vibe around them--especially their mothers.
And romantic baby notions are just that. The first three months are ridiculously challenging physically, hormonally, and emotionally. And first time moms don't know when it will end.
It took me 'til the third kid to know "okay, this is normal, this will pass, it will get better." This lady doesn't have perspective, but other parents do. I hope she gets lots of support and sleep.
Love grows. It's a choice.
And romantic baby notions are just that. The first three months are ridiculously challenging physically, hormonally, and emotionally. And first time moms don't know when it will end.
Yes! I really think hospitals should have some sort of exit-interview with mothers before they leave with their first newborn, just to reassure them, if nothing else, that it's temporary! The first three months really is more like a "Fourth Trimester" where the baby happens to have left the womb a little early.
I'm struck with this woman's incredible selfishness.
I'm struck with the number of people who have never had children but are certain they know what to make of the crazy first few months of parenthood.
I'd bet 90% of people, when their second is born, secretly believe for the first few months that it would be impossible for them to ever love that second child as much as the first one.
Absolutely. And these are all people who've already dealt with the - Gee, why am I not passionately in love with this needy bag of poop? phase.
Geoduck2,
Remember the Judith Guest book Ordinary People? At one point the psychologist tells Conrad that depression is more an absence of feeling.
It isn't.
"Remember the Judith Guest book Ordinary People? At one point the psychologist tells Conrad that depression is more an absence of feeling."----from above
What I remember about 'Ordinary People' is when the mother whooshes that sorry piece of French toast down the garbage disposal.
"You can't save French toast."---said Beth Jarrett.
Ha. Beth has never been to my house and seen the leftovers piled up in the fridge!
Unconditional love, people.
It's all about unconditional love!
Peace, Maxine
You would think evolution would have bred out women like this a LOOOOOOONG time ago, wouldn't you?
my daughter is 1 year old and two weeks I love her to death stay home with her wanted her more than anything was a nanny when I was younger and felt I was born to be a mother... however I love her so much yet sometimes do not like her, she is not soft and sweet she is rough and aggressive and loves to push me, I pray this is a phase and I wonder how truly bonded we are, although we do sleep together I play with her most of the day and I take excellent care of her and those feelings make me feel horrible as a mommy and I feel like she knows how I secretly feel... she cries if I she is left alone in a room but she is not crying for me just for anyone..
bianca: You sound like a very sensitive person and a good mother. I hope you have other adults to talk to about your feelings so you don't get sad and lonely.
Bianka: I have the same situation. My daugter is 13 month. She is home with a babysitter all day so when i finally get home she hardly looks at me to acknowledge that she noticed my arrival. She doesn't like when i kiss her or hug her she constantly pushes me away.
My point of telling you this- you are not alone in that.
I'd like to think that i am a good mother it is just a temporary phase that my child is going through.
I hope one day she will realize how much i love her and how much I need her to love me back, until then i will be there for here everyday of her life just in case it is going to happen tomorrow:)
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