Letitia Baldrige, the fabulous etiquette writer, sends a letter to the NYT editor about the recommendation that the "elbow bump" replace the handshake. We all know what people do with their hands and thus that handshakes spread disease. Worries about the avian flu might give us the incentive we need to abandon the old custom of handshaking. But do we need to switch to bumping elbows? Baldrige has the right answer: "simply look the other person in the eye, smile and give a quick nod while saying, 'Nice to see you.'"
Let's do an Amazon "search inside this book" for "handshake" in Baldrige's latest etiquette book: here. Three hits:
1. Ooh, that first hit is to what a "well-mannered child" needs to do. It's very impressive. It would be so cool if kids did all those things. Or would you think the kids were robotic or Eddie Haskell-ish? Actually, I think Eddie Haskell made a very deep impression on the Boomer generation and led to the widespread abandonment of etiquette demands on kids. We're deeply suspicious of a kid who's follows a lot of formal conventions, aren't we? And as for shaking hands with a young child... that's a terrible idea! Kids are most likely to be spreading germs, but, of course, an adult has to be super-nice to any child. You're going to have to shake that little hand.
2. At Hit Two, she's recommending lots of handshaking in the office. "Use a firm, practiced, but not bone-crushing handshake." Aw, can't we just look people in the eye and nod, as you said in that letter? How many of these people have colds and have rubbed their noses with their right hand since that last time they washed up? Anyway, I approve of avoidin gthose crushing handshakes. What's wrong with men that they can even think that would be a good way to shake hands with a woman?
3. Hey, the third hit has a Supreme Court Justice in it! I hit a lawprofblogger jackpot here. Baldrige describes meeting a Justice. She doesn't say which one, but he was the father of her friend, and she was a popcorn-eating college student. She shakes hands with the old jurist, who proceeds to make a big deal out of grimacing and wiping his hand off with his handkerchief. In the anecdote, she makes herself seem rude (for having buttery hands) and him seem cutely, comically crusty. But in fact, if someone shakes your hand and gets something on you, you need to act as though nothing happened and discreetly find an opportunity to wash your hands. Hey, if you thought that person was too sleazy to shake hands with, you should have withheld your hand. Don't be embarrassing them afterwards. I think Baldrige is a little to impressed with this man because he's a Supreme Court Justice. That can't be good etiquette. Equal justice under the law of etiquette, I say (even as I assume Baldridge is right about everything).
By the way, someone just came to the door, and I shook hands and did not wash my hands. So, really, I'm not in the vanguard of handshake abandonment in the real world.
February 19, 2006
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11 comments:
She wants us all to do the Rocky Horror greeting? What the hell?
I completely agree, the handshake is a great way to spread contagion of all sorts. I don't shake hands unless someone proffers their hand to me and I have no other choice. Before I decided to stop shaking hands, I used to have great difficulty remembering the names of people who I had just met. I came to realize that the handshake was one of the main reasons why I didn't remember names- usually the introduction and exchange of names was either concurrent with or quickly followed by a handshake. What was happening with me is that the whole physical shock of suddenly being gripped by a stranger, with the attendant emotional discomfort and distraction, coupled with thoughts of germs, contemplation of the disturbing moistness or greasiness of the hand, and performance anxiety (did I shake hard enough? too hard? does my discomfort show?), all of these things aborted the process of committing to short term memory the name I was just told. I found that after I stopped shaking hands, it was much easier for me to focus on the person I was meeting and to remember their name, all the while avoiding all the discomfort and disgust of the Western microbe exchange.
This still leaves the problem of what to do when other people proffer their hand. I've developed an extraordinary ability to send out cues that I am not interested in shaking hands. I don't get too close to people (a general habit I have anyway) when I am being introduced. I make a conscious effort not to make any arm movements, which are subtle cues for the initiation of the handshaking process. If the other person begins to raise their hand, I continue to keep my arms at my sides and my eyes on their face. I smile and nod my head to them, repeating their name, perhaps followed by a pleasantry or two: "a pleasure to meet you!" This almost always avoids or aborts the handshake without causing any discomfort or offense. With practice it becomes effortless.
In some situations, however, these methods will not help you avoid the handshake. In these cases, I recommend the methods adopted by Glenn Gould, the pianist and famous anti-handshake activist: first, adopt an off-putting glare and manner of dress that makes shaking hands actually physically difficult (he wore those thick gloves even in the summer). If that doesn't work, get some cards printed...
And absolutely avoid shaking hands with (or touching in any way or being near) children. They're like agar covered petri dishes. Don't make me mention pinworms.
Bow! Bow! None of this abominable physical contact! And a bow can be performed at 20 paces, even, like a remote version of the head-nod! You can bow (awkwardly) while walking! You can even bow over the telephone - although no one can see you doing it (I do it. An uncle of mine does too, or used to. He also bows in the car). It is a universal greeting!!!
Except for the Chinese, who do not bow. Westerners don't bow anymore either. But they used to!
Alternately, if we still wore hats, the classic hat-lift would be good. I would recommend forelock-tugging too, but I have no idea how that actually works.
That said, I shake hands with my white cousins, even the little ones. But they are small, and occasionally female, so we can typically avoid the macho squeeze-competition that makes hand-shaking such a chore.
But this hip-bump thing . . . huh? I do not understand the mechanics.
I had a student come up to me on the third day of a spring semester, initiate a handshake, while apologizing for not having attended the first class because he had the flu. He said he felt even worse today, but couldn't bear to miss another class. I wanted to kill him.
Oh, and I can't recommend Purell hand sanitizer enough. It's basically jellied ethanol with moisturizers, so it kills practically everything (and, as I always have to explain to people, it does not promote microbe "resistance" because it's a simple antiseptic), and you don't need to be near a sink to use it, as it evaporates in seconds.
What freaking wusses all these anti-handshake people are! Each one of them not only choosing length of days over glory, but whiningly proud of the choice. Well, no pain, no gain: I'm confident that their untrained immune systems will let them down and they will die at age 50.
Some people think a handshake is a way to judge character and integrity. Looking someone straight in the eye, smiling, while giving a firm handshake makes a very good impression.
If you are on a job interview...everything else being equal....a firm handshake might seal the deal.
Refusing to shake the hand of a potential employer during a job interview......and not being able to assess firmness and such.
Maybe a firm elbow bump vs. a soft elbow bump?
bonus points to palladian for using the word "proffer"
Ann, you better wash your hands or your run of 15 years without catching a cold is going to meet its demise.
What Ms. Baldridge misses with her suggestion of a head nod is this: what if the other person is holding out her hand?
The even more fabulous etiquette writer, Judith Martin, a.k.a. Miss Manners, has much to say on the topic of handshakes. I couldn't do an on-line search of one of her best works, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior", so I'll have to transcribe.
Replying to a question about whether a gentleman should take the proffered hand of a woman and pull her towards him to give her a peck on the cheek, Miss Manners said, "A gentleman must, in these circumstances, take what is offered. If it is a hand, shake it. If it is a cheek, kiss it. If it is a pair of lips, kiss it. If it keeps reappearing, it must be rekissed." No word on the sanitary aspects of all this.
As to a question of who's supposed to stick out his or her hand first during an introduction, Miss Manners avers "the higher-ranking person -- socially this means women before men, except in the case of presidents, kings, or popes, and the greater age and more exalted positions before the younger and less significant -- either sticks out a hand or doesn't." No mention of communicable diseases, though the person with social precedence may decide not to stick out her hand because of just such a compunction.
In the case of being introduced to someone who is missing his or her right hand, Miss Manners has this firm advice to give: "Offering the left hand is a thoughtful gesture to someone unable to shake with the right hand. The only problem is that some people are not quick-witted -- or quick-handed -- enough to make this adjustment. The disabled person therefore usually undertakes the courtesy of adjusting to the gesture."
On removing gloves to shake hands: "Miss Manners prefers the naked handshake to the promiscuous and noisy kissing of near-strangers. Truly unforgivable behavior when wearing gloves consists of eating, drinking, smoking, and saying, 'Pardon my glove.' Gentlemen remove their gloves when shaking hands. Please do not expect Miss Manners to justify this discrepancy on any basis of logic, morality, or equal opportunity."
Not a peep about germs, though she offers a few hints regarding the avoidance of hand-shaking. But there are still going to be those annoying people that insist on sticking out their appendages. The rule remains: if it's stuck out at you, you have to shake it.
Regards,
Steve Erbach
Neenah, WI
I like a good handshake. Every once in awhile a student will offer me one of those sequenced greeting gestures with hand slaps and knuckle bumps and such. A handshake is so much simpler. I don't have the occasion to shake hands so often that I feel there's any big risk.
I can't deny I have a wimpy immune system, and I tend to pick up germs from the 150+ computer keyboards I tend to regularly, so that germ killing gel has been a good thing to have in my bag.
Too many sad and messy students approach within inches of my face to tell me "Ms. Beth, I'm didn't do my paper because I'm sick!" I want to keep Lysol in a belt holster and ward them off with a spray, but that would cause talk.
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