But here's a whole paragraph from "What’s in Your ‘Spend the Night’ Bag? A toothbrush, sure, but some people bring everything they need to feel comfortable (and a whole lot more) for a romantic overnight" (NYT):
Jordan Character is a natural health specialist in Los Angeles, so when he’s staying at a woman’s home, he brings a change of underwear, socks and an assortment of natural hygiene products that include fluoride-free toothpaste, shea butter and natural soap (“I’m definitely not washing my body with Dove”). He usually carries psychedelic mushrooms and essential oils on him, so that’s coming, too. “I bring my own water as well,” he said, adding that it’s alkaline. “I’m not trying to get caught up drinking tap water, bro.” He also brings all-natural lube and non-latex condoms: “I just bring one because I don’t want to seem like I’m there just for that.”
What was that old TV show where the host would regularly look through the contents of a lady's handbag? The idea seemed to be that you could tell a whole lot about a person from what she had in there... and what she might blurt out about why.
This guy Jordan Character's blurt-outs are great. Especially: "I’m not trying to get caught up drinking tap water, bro." He doesn't just not want to drink tap water. And it's not that he doesn't want to get caught drinking tap water. He doesn't want to get caught up drinking tap water... as if once you start drinking tap water, it's hard to stop.
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82 comments:
On a quick scan I thought this guy was gay, until I went back and saw that preparation was for a date at a woman's house.
I think "caught up" means he starts to become unglued, once he realizes what he's done to his precious bodily fluids.
With all of his rules and hangups it's understandable why he brings just one condom. I'm surprised that he gets to use that.
Sounds like the kind of guy who is more likely to be found staying at a man’s home.
"Jordan Character is a natural health specialist"
Ladies! You need your own version of the hot-crazy matrix. Start with the overnight bag contents. Proceed with extreme caution. If you do proceed at all, stop after the one condom. Just stop.
The Art Linkletter Show
There's no way this guy is spending any nights with a woman.
I'm sure I won't be the only one to hold this opinion.
Tap water is so dangerous, Bro!
This guy's a mushroom, all right. You hit that one on the head, Ann.
I've been out of the dating game for (mercifully) well over 3 decades. Plus I didn't read the article.
But never once did I pack and carry an overnight bag.
And who would one night stand with this pretentious asshole?
How thoughtfully fey.
No zip ties? This Jordan Character isn't very romantic.
And what the Hell's wrong with Dove soap, eh?
I tried some of this alkaline water recently but i’m not sure what’s supposed to be so special about it.
Jordan Character is a natural health specialist in Los Angeles, so when he’s staying at a woman’s home...
I strongly suspect that Jordan Character has had very few 'Spend The Night' nights with anyone.
This guy had better be extremely good looking.
He doesn't need to bring a douchebag because he already is one, bro : )
Surprised the NYT is profiling a filthy hetero.
'And what the Hell's wrong with Dove soap, eh?'
I'm an Irish Spring man myself...
Fake name.
Don’t forget teh Courvoisier®, Ladies Man.
I once made the mistake of opening a small Pelican case my adult son had brought home when visiting, thinking it had his old handgun in it and I'd clean it for him, then invite him to go shooting. It was his sex toys case, and I only recognized about half of what was in there, and that from the internet, not personal experience. What people carry with them on dates is their own business, and not to be displayed to anyone else except the other person on the date.
The guy is going to be really surprised when he wakes up queer.
Greta is of marriageable age. I'd like to fix him up with Greta. I think they'd really hit it off.
This guy is too precious for words.
In fairness, LA tap water is undrinkable. I’d bring a handgun too, but probably leave it in the car.
Yeah, he sounds gay but, as someone’s sergeant said, any damn fool can make himself comfortable.
I would point Mister Character to Penn & Teller's exposé of "connoisseur waters", though I doubt that would help restore him to functional humanity, knowing the water truth would just render him a cadaver. Fluoride-free toothpaste?? One gathers he frets over his precious bodily fluids a bit too much. POE, dammit! Send it now! Or else Major Kong will be forced to ride that H-bomb again. And natural soap? Where does that come from? Soapberries?
I like the change of underwear, but what about socks? If he eschewed the bullshit he'd have room for a clean shirt and a towel, the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have, plus a plastic bag for the damp and dirties. I'll use my beloved's soap without hesitation. All the other morning necessities I bring with me. But no fucking fungal fruiting bodies, unless they're for a sauce. And there's nothing less essential than essential oils. (There's often one of those apothecary jars full of "guest soaps" that look like candy. Might as well use one, though I suspect their presence is some kind of not-to-be-taken-literally hospitality affectation. Women tend to have bizarre ideas attached to bathrooms like the necessary place is some sort of shrine to the gods of home décor. I cannot recount the times I've dried my hands on my clothes, rather than employing the immaculately folded look-but-don't-touch guest towel.)
We are told Mister Character is a "natural health specialist" in Los Angeles. Hmmm... That LA is virtually a post-apocalyptic wasteland inhabited by whacked-out barbarians and that a "natural health specialist" can find lucrative employment there are intrinsically connected. As one ought to conclude, Quaestor is no friend of counter-culture consumers. They're a blight. (I often suspect Althouse selects these outrageous scribblings just to enjoy my predictably sulfurous railings.)
Crap! Crack beat me to the fluoride thing. Congratulations, my friend. I often take too many pains with my posts.
R C Belaire--The "eh?" is perfect. Well done.
Today's men are no longer men. But they do live in Los Angeles!
The guy frets about Dove soap and tap water but packs (and presumably ingests) psychedelic mushrooms? And anyone takes him seriously?
He sleeps with WOMEN? Lol. Yeah, I don’t think so.
“I just bring one because I don’t want to seem like I’m there just for that.”
… but we allll know he definitely IS there just for that.
In a world where you can make up anything about yourself- my question is: did he make up his last name?
Looks like the Anal Retentive Chef had some offspring, eh?
I'm as surprised as you are.
I guess having multiple sexual experiences in a night is like taking that first glass of tap water. You don't want to get caught up in that.
Wow. This Character character must haul a steamer trunk of toiletries everywhere he goes. I'm more of a minimalist.
Dude sounds way too high maintenance. He sounds like a self involved woman in fact. I’m thinking a six year stint in the Marines might just straighten him out. Either that or leave him sobbing into his pressed and lilac scented linen handkerchief.
Narcissism sure seems to be rampant these days….
Whatever. You do you.
That's a high maintenance sort of guy.
R C Belaire said...
And what the Hell's wrong with Dove soap, eh?
It might have 'aluminum in it' like Irish Spring.
@skeptical voter I wondered the same thing.
I really wish there was a picture of this guy and the women who supposedly extended the invitation. In my younger days such events were never pre-planned.
Are we sure he isnt trans - the name sounds like something a trans person would make up.
Upon seeing what's in his bag, she says, "Never mind."
The Hot/Crazy matrix for guys makes me snort. With a girl, she's liable to max out your credit cards, burn your clothes in the yard, steal and wreck your Corvette, hit you with a frying pan and assault the responding cop, and then sue you. With a guy, he'll be crazy like this one: The type of guy that gets OCD on his toothpaste and is likely to be the sort that uses a lint roller on his socks, before putting them in the drawer in color-alphabetical order, including 'mauve' and 'teal'.
This guy reads like he was toilet-trained too early.
so far vagina people have not commented on
No dildo?
How does he fit all that in his cross-shoulder purse?
With few exceptions, all bottled water in the US starts off as "city water" from a city well. Even the fancy-schmancy brands, including most alkaline water starts off as city water.
It is usually sand filtered, carbon filtered, zapped with UV light or ozone to kill any creepey crawleys and put in a bottle. Sometimes, it is purified by reverse osmosis but this removes all minerals.
If it is alkaline, it is because the bottler added chemicals to it. Water is, when perfectly pure, neutral, neither acid or alkaline. In nature it is usually slightly acidic.
If it is Vacuum Distilled!! as one premium brand is, it means that the water was boiled and condensed just like any other distilled water.
Bottled water is a scam. Especially the personal sizes.
In 1999 I was at the National Soft Drink Association convention in Nawlins. Personal size water for the masses was just taking off. A senior VP of Coke keynoted the first day and told how they got into the water business.
"Several of us were in a Starbucks having a cup of coffee. Someone pointed out that they took a 10 cent cup of coffee, added chemicals and some show biz (baristas instead or waters), a fancy holder and marked the price to about $4.
Someone else suggested that perhaps we could do something similar. We already have the water, bottles machines etc in our bottling plants. We can take out the expensive sugar, flavor and CO2 and put a fancy label. We'll sell the water for the same price we sell Coca-Cola. We gave it a fancy foreign sounding name. Now we sell billions of bottles.
Now we are trying to figure out how to remove the water and just sell empty bottles of air."
(I still think there is a business with lots of money to be made selling air. I'm having too much fun to pursue it, though.)
Quoting from memory. Gist is correct, words may not be.
My wife drinks bottled water from Costco (11 cents a bottle for the good stuff). I do not. I drink a gallon or so of tap water daily. I avoid bottled water on principle.
John Henry
mikee said...
"I once made the mistake of opening a small Pelican case my adult son had brought home when visiting, thinking it had his old handgun in it and I'd clean it for him, then invite him to go shooting. It was his sex toys case, and I only recognized about half of what was in there, and that from the internet, not personal experience. What people carry with them on dates is their own business, and not to be displayed to anyone else except the other person on the date."
In an alternate bizarro world, mykii (they/them) said...
I once made the mistake of opening a small Pelican case my adult non-binary offspring (xir/xim/xis) had brought home when visiting. I was thinking it was xis sex toys case, and I'd clean them for xim with some spermicide and fungicide, followed with a gentle bath of Dove soap. Then we could go pick up some partners together.
But it had his 9mm Luger assault handgun in it, and I only knew that's what it was because the ammo box said "Personal Defense 9mm Luger". It also said "Federal Ammo", and I was a little bit proud, thinking xir had quit xis job for a for-profit corporation (ugh!) and went to work for the government. But then I realized xir would have told me if xir had gotten a job as an IRS agent.
Speaking of soap, here's a TikTok I did recently on my problems with hotel toiletries (and one Hampton that gets it right)
https://www.tiktok.com/@johnhenry1000/video/7289288911363362090
I don't like Dove either. I always carry my own bar of Protex or Safeguard. Whatever Costco has when I need soap. I don't carry shampoo because of the hassle with liquids and TSA
John Henry
Kay said...
I tried some of this alkaline water recently but i’m not sure what’s supposed to be so special about it.
It's called well water. It becomes alkaline coming up through stone. I had a massive supply of it when I had the farm.
Jordan Character is a natural health specialist
No such thing in the context he means.
"You don’t want a love that’s pure
You wanna drown love
You want a watered-down love"
I would bet that this sensitive, neurotic soul would never invite a woman to spend the night in HIS home. Female problems, you know, for which there is no natural preventive.
I bet he brings a man bun too.
It feels like you folks are mocking this person's religion.
I read this stuff, shake my head and ask, 'Just who are these people?'
WATER damn you
One Glass Of Water
John Henry said...
...
"(I still think there is a business with lots of money to be made selling air. I'm having too much fun to pursue it, though.)"
I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of chips. (Seen on a sign in Rapid City, SD.)
Let's Make The Water Turn Black
I Asked For Water (She Gave Me Gasoline)
Waterboy
Water Torture
"I Hate Water!"
What's in a name that betrays the man with tragic comedy.
Have prophylactic, will squat.
He uses fluoride free toothpaste and avoids tap water. It sounds like General Jack D. Ripper has a new age grandson.
The concept reminds me of the old MAD magazine feature "Inside a Celebrity's Wallet." Jerry Lewis's wallet contained a 'things to do today' list from 1947 ("butter somebody’s necktie," "drop bags of water from dressing room window") AND a 'things to do today' list from 1962 ("show orchestra how to run through Gershwin number," "fire script girl who coughed during my pantomime scene yesterday").
Maybe a peak inside Mr. Character's 'spend the night' bag will be similarly instructive.
What? No frangers?
That'll get AA's inner etymologist salivating.
so far vagina people have not commented on
How dare you, sir! Mine was the seventh comment.
I also wonder whether his non-latex condom plus natural lubricant combo is copacetic. You know, like how we all learned back in our misspent youth that petroleum products could break down latex? I'm wondering whether the lube and the condom are designed to work together, or whether, together, they will amount to virtue signaling that can result in disease or pregnancy.
And surely his non-latex condom isn't made from sheepskin! (I have no idea what non-latex condoms that are also PETA-approved would be made out of. But I do recall that in the AIDS era, the Authorities were very clear that only latex condoms had been demonstrated to block transmission. So here's hoping material science has done its job well since then.)
Jordan Character needs to hookup with Bryan Johnson, the billionaire "character" who is working hard to live forever. I wonder what's in Bryan's overnight bag?
“What people carry with them on dates is their own business, and not to be displayed to anyone else except the other person on the date.”
As long as there are no pliers or blowtorches, all is fair in love and war, mike.
“What you won't do, do for love
You've tried everything but you won't give up
In my world, only you make me do for love what I would not do
Make me do for love what I would not do
Make me do for love what I would not do
Make me do for love what I would not do”
Is Jordon Character a trans-man, by any chance?
Are you coaxing Laslo w/a dangling Character?
~swish swish~
Maybe he's concerned about the fluoride
https://youtu.be/J67wKhddWu4?si=GUXmXWFoD9f0B-jN
The surname is perfect because we see how, to the Jordans of the world, one's identity, one's inner being, the thing we used to call one's soul, is now constructed from fragments of cultural allusions and allegiances. One's water, tattoos, fashion choices, musical preferences, hairstyle, political schtick, gender display, etc. all combine to create one's essential self. Each of us is a blank slate, and we create ourselves from the sly little stratagems that go into these clever little ploys.
MLK talked once of the centrality of the content of our character. Jordan and his ilk are the reducto ad absurdem of that hopeful dream. For them, there is no there there, only emptiness strategically camouflaged. Some character.
Steal his soap and slip in a bar of Pumice soap.
But call for the EMT's first.
Why are you wasting heterosexual women's time with all this?
And girls, really?
How does this kind of article find its way to the NYT? It's supercilious, as is the person named within it. Everyone knows the proper way to exit after a brief liaison is to rise before dawn and bolt before she knows you left.
Steve Miller, goin' with some hesitation, surely saw "that I don't want to get caught up in any of that funky shit goin' down in the city."
I'm with ya, Steve.
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