June 18, 2012

"Cosmo remains the ne plus ultra of usually implausible, occasionally unfathomable, and invariably hilarious sexy tips..."

... so here are the 44 most ridiculous ones.

Did I ever tell you about the job I had (before I went to law school) reading magazines? We produced a monthly report for advertisers that required us to categorize every article in about 100 magazines. I read a lot of magazines circa 1974. Cosmo was nowhere near as explicit about sex back then, but it was always its own special world of implausible pleasure. We spent many hours reading things out loud to each other and cracking up (an activity that's kind of like blogging).

Of these 44, I'm not sure what's most ridiculous because there's a cumulative effect. But I think #37 made me laugh the most:
"Give him a beer facial - the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."
I would have laughed more, but the idea of salmonella upsets me.

27 comments:

Pastafarian said...

"38. "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.""

Nip that happiness in the bud. I suggest a number 4 -- nothing takes care of unwanted happiness faster than a stubbed penis, shoved back into your body.

I'm glad my wife subscribes to Runner's World.

Kimberly said...

I have dated many a man who liked beer. I have never dated, or even met, one who wanted me to give him a facial, or worse yet, WASTE BEER on a facial.

Have the writers for Cosmo ever even MET a man?

edutcher said...

Sad part is Cosmo sounds no different than it did 50 years ago, but then it was considered hip.

#12 sounds like the Shoshone remedy for frostbitten feet:

Have a woman hold her bare breasts against the soles of the afflicted person's feet - relief should be complete in about 8 hours.

Quayle said...

Paraphrasing and adapting from Bolt's "A Man for All Seasons"

The hip and elite of America would have snored through the Sermon on the Mount, but they'll labor like scholars on the benefits of the pH balance of a beer facial.

Lyssa said...

For reasons that I absolutely cannot explain, several months ago, Cosmo, addressed to my husband, started appearing regularly in our mailbox. (My husband must be on some sort of list somewhere - he's randomly received "Jet" magazine a few times, too. I have no idea why.)

I have to admit that it is the most delightful reading that I can imagine. Much more fun then when We get no end of laughs when I tell him all about the things that Cosmo wants us to do together. My favorite was the recommendation a few months ago that we should have sex on a skateboard. Yes, a skateboard.

Comanche Voter said...

Back in the early 1980's I made quarterly trips to a very small town where one of our subsidiaries was located. Along with two paralegals I needed to audit some records for Arab Boycott Law compliance. Paralegals were young women in their mid to late 20's--I was (and am) a thoroughly married guy then in my early 40's. We traveled to the location on a 19 seater regional air carrier. That meant that you pretty much couldn't avoid seeing what the passenger in the next seat or the seat in front of you was reading.

The magazine of choice for hip single young women was--you guessed it--Cosmopolitan.

What a load of hogwash those girls were reading! Two of them had ambitions of going to law school and becoming lawyers. Both succeeded, although one had to take the bar exam 4 times before she passed. I attribute that directly to softening of the brain cells from reading too much Cosmo.

jimbino said...

Reminds me of the stories my 21 yr-old sister told about all the secretaries at Playboy in the 60s sitting around inventing "Playboy Adviser" questions.

Michelle Dulak Thomson said...

I don't know, Ann. I pretty much lost it at the subhed "Occupy Ball Street," and after that everything made me cackle. Though the dam was structurally unsound by No. 5 anyway.

ricpic said...

Women - including the women who put out Cosmo - will never get it that men are simple creatures who don't need or crave byzantine strategies to be satisfied. Oh well, whistling against the wind.

Q said...

I'm going to break the Male Code Of Silence and let women in on a secret of the Evil Patriarchy.

Cosmo is a secret weapon of ours designed to make women look stupid. Or in some cases, to be stupid.

bagoh20 said...

"Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

Because you just never seem to have enough spit around when you need it.

I've been doing this for years, and I would like to offer you all the opportunity to buy some quality spit. Available in 16oz, 32oz, and 5 gallon buckets.

Icepick said...

Numbers 1 through 5 could easily be supplanted with the phrase, "Just play with it." If you do anything wrong, he will tell you.

Icepick said...

6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."

They other 66% of men hadn't thought about that.

bagoh20 said...

What men really want is way more fun, much simpler, and less messy.

We want you to have an incredibly good time enjoying yourself and us. Very simply: if it makes YOU hot, do it. You will never go wrong with that.

Q said...

if it makes YOU hot, do it. You will never go wrong with that.


What if it makes her hot to whip you? Or to divorce you and take the house?

traditionalguy said...

Deep in the heart of girls is the belief that any man can be controlled simply by giving him "mind blowing Sex."

Except for maybe Tiger Woods, that was never the full story!

We also need a challenge and a home and a family... and some mind blowing sex to balance us out.

The Drill SGT said...

But, But, If you tempered the eg whits with warm beer, and then heated the result, you could avoid any ill results :)

bagoh20 said...

"What if it makes her hot to whip you? Or to divorce you and take the house?"

Then you chose poorly...........by getting married.

wyo sis said...

I went to the link and got to about 12 before having to quit. I've been happily married for 40 years and never read Cosmo, so I feel safe in assuming there's nothing there that I need. My question is when isn't sex mind blowing even when it's routine? It's pretty easy and straight forward. Pleasure's the purpose of it, outside of having a family from what I can tell. It's always worked for me and I've never resorted to the spit thing.
That alone tells me I'm better off not reading it.

Jason (the commenter) said...

I don't get it. Is it some sort of trade? The woman gives the man a beer and egg facial, then he gives her an X-rated one?

AllieOop said...

Wayyyy too much work. Much more relaxing to just go with the flow.

john martell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter said...

There's one bit of sexual advice that any woman can follow, which will make things FAR better.

You all know what it is.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Peter-

Here's that link you were looking for.

You can thank me later.

William said...

Back then, I felt that if a woman was a Cosmo reader it was a definite plus. The ones to avoid were the Good Housekeeping subscribers. Psychology Today readers were ok, but they asked way too many questions about my nipple piercings.

Freeman Hunt said...

I am still laughing at the advice to bat it back and forth.

Joe said...

Reminds me of an article in one of the online magazines entitled something like "Five sexual positions men love." Which was, well, all of them.