September 20, 2010

"There will be high security tonight when Sarah Palin shows up to watch daughter Bristol perform on 'Dancing with the Stars'..."

Watch with me? It's on in a few minutes.

7:02: Wow! Crazy lights! Crazy cleavage! And now, the stars must walk down stairs! They seem powerfully challenged by the stair walk. Margaret Cho — tee hee, Margaret Cho is on — pretends to trip, probably to be funny, but maybe because she was going to trip anyway and needed to fake it. Bristol is all bundled up in a weird spangled gray blazer. Hasselhoff is here — representing the dissolute. Florence Henderson is here — representing the geezers. Is Bristol a "star"? She's identified as a "teen activist," which I guess she was, as a walking (dancing) anti-sex counterexample.

7:12: Audrina Patridge has sexiness going on here (judge points crotchwards) and beauty going on here (judge points facewards) and they aren't really connected. But she's got just the right body for the show, we're told. So... giant breasts. I think dancers look better with small breasts. Actually, they look more connected.

7:15: The NFL guy (Kurt Warner) says he has big shoes to fill (a past winner was an NFL guy), and I note that Warner has tiny feet.

7:25: Kyle Massey, an actor. So far, I'd never heard of any of these people. Massey shimmies and gets his moobs all jiggly. The lady judge acts like that gets her hot.

7:35: Rick Fox. A basketball guy. Never heard of him. Sorry, I FF'd that.

7:40: Next is Margaret Cho. "You're doing it like you're sitting in the bathroom doing number 2," her partner informs her, helpfully. She's got a gold pleated cape that she suddenly unfurls into a vortex as the music hits the chorus: "We are the champions, my friends." Then, she gets comically tangled in it, and her partner "saves" her. Oh, it's hard to pull off comical dancing. I don't think that's for beginners. But this is the only one I'm watching straight through. Maybe because I like the song. Ugh, she falls on her ass (on purpose) to end it. We see her much-mocked mom, applauding. Oh, no, the judges had to ask if it was supposed to be comic. I think the criticism should be that you have to be really good, first, before you can pull off comedy. The judges just tell her to dance without any comic stuff. Dumb!

7:57: Oh, lord. It's a 2-hour show. Now: Brandy. Heard of her. Wholesome. Boring. I need to let the DVR get out ahead of me so I have room to FF. Haven't live-blogged a reality show in a long time. Oh, Sarah! Look what you've done to me!

8:02: Bristol time! The song is "Mama Told Me Not to Come." Because you know you can only get pregnant if you have an orgasm. The more references to Sarah, the better, they seem to think. She's going to "dress up like her mom." People only know her because of her mom. Her partner tells her: "Just have fun and go balls out." The point of the gray suit is to suddenly rip it off and be wearing a short red dress and demonstrate what is "not the way to have fun," per Mama. See? She's the activist by counterexample. The judges are pretty nice to her. Mama is not there though. But Florence Henderson is next, and she's bringing the Mom.

8:16: Flo, who is 76, is eager to show us she's feisty and talks dirty. She is not Mom, she implicitly screams. She's has pretty legs.

8:25: Michael Bolton demonstrates the principle that being able to sing does not include being able to dance. He's earnest and charming. I can see that the point of this show (which I've never watched before) is for the celebrities to get us to like them. But I don't think it's good to be the guy that made me notice that. On the plus side for Bolton: It seems much easier to be a female novice shown off by a male professional than the other way around. The guy is supposed to lead, so the structure of the competition is inherently unfair. But, as the judges admitted (to FH a moment ago), it's really an entertainment show. So, I guess, watching the big, awkward men get it together amuses folks.

8:43: What are the rules of this competition? Why is Jennifer Grey on? She's most well-known for a dancing role. And the song is a song from that movie. And her co-star in that movie recently died. And we see her burst into tears over it. "It took me back in a time capsule... and I was with Patrick." Too manipulative. Not fair. But it's entertainment. Entertainment is not fair. There's no fair in entertainment.

8:46: We are informed by one of the judges that Patrick Swayze is watching the show from Heaven. Another judge — the one that said the head and crotch of Audrina were not connected — is telling us — through tears — that there is "such a connection." Ugh.

8:53: Hasselhoff is last. He whines. He hams it up. I confess I laughed out loud. Judge Bruno: "It was like a potpourri of insanity disguised as dance."  Okay. It's over. Whew! Time for hamburgers.

ADDED: I forgot to blog The Situation. He forgot to rehearse. We're even.

AND: Hasselhoff reminds me of Lorenzo St. DuBois — Dick Shawn.

60 comments:

1jpb said...

Live blogging for the left coast (some of whom would never watch even if it was eight over here, but are open to spending a minute reading, hopefully, snarky comments about any of them, e.g. The Situation)?

Trooper York said...

Actually people in the know now call Mike the "Sanititation" and not just because he likes to leave a load in the Saten Island Dump.

Pogo said...

Aaargh, it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day, but ain't no one dancin' what gots a wooden leg.

'Tis a crime.

Methadras said...

This is the room for those that care.

JAL said...

Pogo. Talk Like A Pirate Day was yesterday.

Matey -- Walk the plank.

Christy said...

I liked Kyle, thought he moved well. Not really watching, however, I just went over when I caught your post and he was on. The show has too much filler for my attention span.

prairie wind said...

Kyle Massey was a child actor on the wildly (if inexplicably) popular That's So Raven. While he was probably talented at one time, he will have a difficult time convincing anyone of that now. Those shows aimed at children not only suck the brains from the children watching, they suck all talent and creativity from the child actors. It's a lucky kid who can move on from those awful, awful shows.

I don't know whether to wish him well, or to hope he fails miserably as payback for all the shitty behavior he has encouraged in children watching the Disney channel.

DADvocate said...

Rick Fox is considered the most fit, inshape guy in the NBA. He does incredibly intense workouts and seems a truly good guy.

garage mahal said...

I vote for Brooke Burke. 10.10.10

Paddy O said...

To put it in Althouse context... maybe.

Rick Fox was married to Vanessa Williams. I think he cheated on her (I might be mistaken about that bit) and they got divorced. He's also an occasional actor.

He was a key player for those LA Laker championships earlier in the decade

Lem said...

Mama told me not to come..

Paco Wové said...

So, it's an entire show devoted to people on minute 16 of their 15 minutes of fame?

Methadras said...

Audrina Partridge is probably the only reason I would give any eye service to this show. She's a box of rock and all that, but oh my!!!

wv = crump = not what is going on when I watch Audrina dance.

E.M. Davis said...

Audrina Partridge has had almost as much work as Heidi Montag. She rocks a cleavage canyon that at times is mesmerizing and disgusting. Dr. 90210 or whomever certainly fixed her wonk-eyes to our benefit.

Oh, and Brandy killed someone with her car, but avoided vehicular manslaughter charges. So she's wholesome, but a terrible driver.

Remind me not to have Althouse on my World Series of Pop Culture team.

Ralph L said...

The Situation sounded really gay in the post-dance interview. Just missed his dance.

WV - uplic - did anyone?

Lem said...

She is going to do it for Patrick

Pastafarian said...

Methadras, you must like the "dead behind the eyes" look. Yes, she's stupid; and remarkably, it's actually apparent just looking at her.

You know that gleam of intelligence you see in a bright person's eyes? Yeah, she has the opposite of that. They're matte.

Yucko.

As for the topic of this post: I've warned you, Althouse, about posting about American Idol, and how my tiny and obscure sect of Pastafarianism considers any such post an abomination and an insult to all that we hold holy.

Well, this Dancing With the Stars stuff is in the same category. I've never been more deeply offended. It's like you've taken a shit on the graves of my ancestors.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue a Fatwa. Should any of us encounter you, we'll force you to eat egg salad.

Lem said...

Yikes.. she got better with age?

Chip Ahoy said...

It's a shame you FF'd Rick Fox because his routine was quite good. Much better than Kurt Warner's, who was stiff and awkward by comparison. Rick paid attention to his partner. Rick looked directly his partner while they danced. Kurt was looking outward as if his partner wasn't even there, then he abruptly abandoned her when the dance ended in order to walk over and kiss his wife in the audience, to reaffirm his loyalty and commitment to her even though he had been practicing and presumably spending a lot of time with another woman. Come on. Please. Could he be more whipped? By contrast Rick's posture and movement were very elegant even though you'd imagine his height would vitiate graceful dancing.

Now, go back there and WATCH IT, I said.

ricpic said...

...the shitty behavior he [Kyle Massey] has encouraged in children watching the Disney channel.

I think the Disney Channel is far more subversive of decency than the more obvious underminers of same.

Pogo said...

I missed Pirate Day???

Moomp.



Hey, only 364 more days until!

ricpic said...

She [Florence Henderson] has pretty legs.

The legs are the last to go.

Irene said...

In the Madison market, we were treated to an ad for Tom Barrett's campaign.

He's using the horrific beating he suffered as the theme of the ad.

He has an attractive wife with short hair.

He has a labradoodle.

America's Politico said...

Palin is not going anywhere. She has no where to go. The probability that Palin will get the GOP nomination in itself is negative. Obama will crush her across the US, especially in Alaska.

GOP/Tea Party needs to focus on nurturing leaders: Ryan, Christie Daniels, etc.

It is laughable that GOP/Tea Party are even thinking of a Palin Presidency. American voters are not suckers. They know she is an empty vessel, divisive, non-accomplished, quitter, etc.

Focus on 2016. Focus on new Leadership among GOP and Tea Party.

You have no chance in Nov. 2010 or 2012.

As a professional courtesy, I am giving you free advice to focus on 2016.

ironrailsironweights said...

I think dancers look better with small breasts.

And they look even better with ... you know where I'm going with this.

Peter

mesquito said...

America's Poltico: Your English skills are improving rapidly.

My heartiest!

JAL said...

Pogo.

Remind me to remind you next year. In time to celebrate appropriately.

Aaaaaaargh.

k*thy said...

Ugh, is right. It seemed painful to watch (but entertaining to read)...and I'm glad I've got something else to do on Monday nights.

Ann Althouse said...

@Irene I've seen that ad before and think it's quite awful. So he did what a decent person would do and got hit in the face. For that, he should be governor? Aren't there 100 war heroes in Wisconsin with more serious injuries? Why is Barrett ahead of them? And what's with foisting a picture of a bloody wound in our faces over and over? And his wife saying over and over that he is a good guy? Aren't there 100,000 good guys in Wisconsin whose wives will vouch for them on camera? What nonsense!

MrBuddwing said...

America's Poltico: Your English skills are improving rapidly.

You really think you're going to get a response from America's Politico? It's become apparent that AP is employing a familiar, troll-like device: Drop one post into the thread, and never return to it, never read any of the responses, never reply, just move along.

Word verification: resse.

Irene said...

Althouse, I agree 100 percent.

It's an icky ploy. I hope most voters find it so.

J Lee said...

AND: Hasselhoff reminds me of Lorenzo St. DuBois — Dick Shawn.

If they had the constants dancing to the "Springtime for Hitler" production number next week, that might actually be worth tuning in for...

Jess said...

garage is right. Uh, I mean garage is correct.

Treacle said...

Ann: "Why is Jennifer Grey on? She's most well-known for a dancing role."

Me: Hateful lies. Jennifer Grey is most well-known (in this house) for Ferris Bueller and her self-proclaimed "scorching case of herpes".

Methadras said...

Pastafarian said...

Methadras, you must like the "dead behind the eyes" look. Yes, she's stupid; and remarkably, it's actually apparent just looking at her.

You know that gleam of intelligence you see in a bright person's eyes? Yeah, she has the opposite of that. They're matte.

Yucko.


Who said I was looking at her eyes. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, SAY NO MO!!!

Seven Machos said...

Florence Henderson is still alive?

Ann Althouse said...

Alive and kicking. Literally.

BJM said...

Hasselhoff reminds me of Lorenzo St. DuBois — Dick Shawn.

Except without talent.

Beta Rube said...

Why do I suddenly question my kids paternity?

I wonder if my ex watched the show.

Paul said...

America's Politico said... Palin is not going anywhere. She has no where to go. The probability that Palin will get the GOP nomination in itself is negative.

I hope you're right. Palin seems like more of a cheerleader than the QB the Republicans need. Teen mom Bristol, newly re-broken up with what's-his-name, competing on "Dancing With the Stars" while promoting her abstinence message is the sort of drama I'd prefer not to have to pay attention to.

I'm hoping that Palin, Gingrich, and Huckabee are placeholders. I can't take too much of any of them.

el polacko said...

@mr.buddwing: years ago, i used to get swept up into replying to responses to my comments.. but i came to realize that it usually devolved into a nasty back-and-forth that accomplished nothing other than raising my blood pressure. these days, i just like to speak my piece and move along.. if that makes me a 'troll' then point me to the nearest bridge and i'll crawl under it. (no response necessary.. i won't see it anyway..haha)

meanwhile, the jennifer grey re-creation of her movie dance, performed only to exploit swayze's passing, made it glaringly obvious what a farce this 'contest' show is.

David said...

All these has been and never weres and then Jennifer Grey.

Jennifer Grey is showing her age and it shows very well.

I had no idea she was Joel Grey's daughter until I read something this week. Joel Grey in Cabaret was about as good a performance as you will get in anything.

So Jennifer comes from good stock. Her Dirty Dancing performance was good because she had this air of being normal. Just a normal pretty girl you could fall in love with.

former law student said...

Is Bristol a "star"? She's identified as a "teen activist," which I guess she was, as a walking (dancing) anti-sex counterexample.

Puh-leez -- Bristol Palin is a "Teen Ambassador" for the Candie's Foundation, which works to eliminate teen pregnancy. Apparently they are atoning for ruining young women's feet for over 30 years*. But doubtless her teen motherhood made her a suitable candidate for the job.

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SuS8MQo3eo

Speaking of having much to atone for: I see Candie's currently produces a Britney Spears clothing line -- available exclusively at Kohl's, which brings the topic round to Wisconsin and politics.

Somehow in my mind I have Candie's associated with jellies. Did Candie's ever make jelly shoes?

former law student said...

Remember how Jennifer Grey ruined her career by removing that adorable little bump from her nose? Plastic surgery is the crime against nature -- leave well enough alone, people.

Kensington said...

It really is a shame about Jennifer Grey's plastic surgery. She was so cute and appealing before, and, whilst still pretty afterward, it was an utterly bland, forgettable pretty.

She lost her character.u

Seven Machos said...

Why would any reasonable person choose Florence Henderson when Maureen McCormick is available -- and still hot?

rhhardin said...

as a walking (dancing) anti-sex counterexample.

She'd be a sex counterexample, or an anti-sex example.

Pogo said...

Me, I'm a countersex anti-example.


Think 'Formica'.

HDHouse said...

ahhh the full and overflowing life of a law professor....

Pogo said...

ahhh the full and overflowing life of a snark-writing commenter on a blog by a law professor....

Paul Zrimsek said...

I for one hope America's Politico sticks around. It's like getting a concern troll and Borat in one hilarious package.

Paul Zrimsek said...

Make that a concern troll, Borat, and Baghdad Bob.

HDHouse said...

Dear Pogo

When I think of 'dancing with the stars' I think of this - not Bristol

ndspinelli said...

Ann,

When you're on your death bed; looking back @ your many years, you will say to yourself, "Why the hell did I waste those hours watching Dancing With The Stars?"

shoutingthomas said...

When you're on your death bed; looking back @ your many years, you will say to yourself, "Why the hell did I waste those hours watching Dancing With The Stars?"

And I would add:

"What in the hell was I doing mentioning Margaret Cho? God forgive me."

dick said...

HDH,

That would make a neat ice skating routine. Maybe someone will try it at the next Olympics.

MadisonMan said...

Is Bristol a "star"?

Dancing with the Stars
presumably means that has-beens (or never-weres) are teamed with star dancers.

I agree with the commentary about Tom Barrett's ad. Ugh.

Menley said...

Seven Machos, DWTS always (or usually) has an older celebrity contestant. Cloris Leachman and George Hamilton have been on in past seasons.

purpleslog said...

What did the judge say about Palin:"...virgin territory..."

Was he make a subtle snark?

Admin said...

I just can't wait for Jennifer Grey's performance next Monday! She's just a treat to watch, and my, does she look good at 50 or what?!